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RAW SATIRE    
Mike Tyson's Super Cannibal-Out~!

January 14, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: For some reason Spike TV was showing an old episode of Nitro. For probably the very same reason, WWE popped a way higher rating with Sheamus as champion. Oh andÖBret Hart too I guess? Maybe something will happenÖTONIGHT?!

 

(Opening Credits)

Hey, itís Mike Tyson! The crowd loves him, because these idiots from Minnesota donít know any better. What good has come out of Minnesota anyway? I meanÖwaitÖMe. I came out of Minnesota. And Iím an idiot! Yay, Mike Tyson!!
 

Mike Tyson: Hi everybody! Iím never going to fight again, but itís nice that Iíve been able to trade in on my fame and beating up my wife to do things like buy Monday Night RAW and host it here in the best city in America, St. Paul! Or wherever!

Sheamus: You know, Iím the WWE Spinniní Champion, and I havenít had an opening segment interview? Iím tired of these shows being about DX or the hosts orÖlikeÖJustin Roberts. I should be in this segment!

Tyson: You donít have to get all up in my face about it, Chucky!

Tyson takes a swing at Sheamus.

Sheamus: What the hell, dude! I was just saying that I wanted to be in the segment with you! Chill out!

Randy Orton: Shameful, Mice Tikon, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WWE Girlís Chocolatechip! And the Regal Rumple is coming up, and I want to be the nugget one collector!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! MAPLE GROVE, WHAT UP?! How about them Packers? I know theyíre very popular in these parts! And the Brewers! Does this area have any sports teams? The Minnesota Thunder? Mike Tyson! I remember you? NES right? Are we going to replace you with Mr. Dream halfway through the show?

Dusty Rhodes: I hope so! Takiní it to tha motha ship, if you wheeeeel!

Tyson: Not again!

Tyson takes a swing at Dusty.

Kofi Johnston: Hey, whatís going on out here, guys? A segment? Cool, cool.

Orton: Koffee Kingman! My archnermalsis!

Kofi: Isnít it about time somebody else gets a WWE Title shot? When was the last time a new guy got a shot at the WWE Title?

Sheamus: UmÖ.

Tyson: Shut up, Sheamus, nobody asked you. I never ducked a challenge in my life. Except that time I bit off Evander Holyfieldís ear. But then I was hungry. I guess what Iím trying to say isÖ.

Tyson takes a swing at Justin Roberts.

Sheamus: DAMMIT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SEGMENT!

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox
In a Divas Title Tournament Match

Oh man, Iím so sad that I missed this match live. Stupid work, I couldnít imagine how amazing it would be to see Kelly run around in circles for two minutes, until she gets rolled up for a loss. Oh, Iím sorry. Spoiler alert! I wonder if Aliciaís sad that her dancing partner got fired this week. I wonder if she ever remembers his name, because I donít. Iíll call her up later, because sheís totally in my home town, wherever that is. Alicia hits a power bomb for the win. I guess it wasnít a roll-up after all!

(ads)

Mark Henry and Evan Bourne vs. The Lemony

Cody starts off with a *CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT* about how heís going to win the Royal Rumble. And then Ted DiBiase has a good laugh about that until somebody told him that literally nobody has watched The Marine 2: Prince Caspian. The hilarious thing is, of course, that Cody and Ted were indeed among the last people in the rumble last year, even though everybody knew they were never going to win. Anyway, Cody hits his move (Thatís His Move!) on Evan for the win. Thanks for coming out tonight, guys!

BackstageÖ.

Triple H: Whatís a four letter word for ďType of power toolĒ the last letter is a 2.

Shawn Michaels: I donít think youíre doing Sudoku right, Hunter. Hey, man, Iím going to go talk to Mike Tyson.

HHH: What? Thatís nuts! I mean, Bretís a guy who, fine, you want to let bygones be bygones because the guy is old and had a stroke. But Mike Tyson could still probably knock you out, Shawn. And besides, that angle where he suddenly joined Austin didnít make any sense. And then you hurt your back and were out for a billion years and missed all the good wrestling.

Shawn: Did you see The Hangover?

HHH: UmÖno. I had a hangover a couple days ago, though.

Shawn: Did you see the Tyson documentary?

HHH: No. OH! But I had some Tyson chicken for dinner!

Shawn: I hate you, you know that? Iím going to go outside and breath in some of this Minnetonka air, and then go talk to Mike Tyson.

HHH: Iím going to sit back here and make derogatory remarks about a short adult man. Laters!

(ads)

Backstage, a camera randomly swaps from shooting Tyson at length and a tight shot at his nostrils.

Mike Tyson: You know what I like to do? Watch myself get beat up in this video game!

Shawn Michaels: Mike, I just wanted to say that I know you tried to beat me up in 1998, but you know what? Itís cool. I forgive you.

Tyson takes a swing at Shawn.

Shawn: Dude! I was trying to forgive you!

Tyson: Iím sorry. Force of habit, I guess. So who are you?

Shawn: Shawn Michaels? Remember? From DX? You hung out with us for most of the first part of 1998 until you punched me for Stone Cold Steve Austin for no reason at all?

Tyson: That doesnít really sound like something I would do.

Chris Jericho: Hey guys. Whatís up?

Shawn: Havenít you been kicked off RAW forever, like, five times now?

Jericho: Yeah, and I swear one of these times itís actually going to stick.

Tyson: Is this all you guys do? Wander around backstage and interrupt each otherís conversations?

Shawn: Pretty much!

Tyson: Man, I shoulda been a wrestler!

Shawn: I donít know, man, Undertaker doesnít take well to being eaten.

Tyson: Iíve got a great idea! Degeneration X vs. This blonde guy and me! Mike Tyson!

Shawn: That sounds really terrible, but you know what? Whatever. Now Iíll finally get to punch somebody Iíve hated for years.

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella
In a Royal Rumble Challenge Match

Jack Swaggerís gimmick is apparently repeating every fourth word he says now. Well, I guess somebody needed to fill Ken Kennedyís role. Santino says heís going to drop Swagger like a bicycle with no kickstand, which seems like it wouldnít be a particularily good bicycle. Swagger also looks like heís aged about ten years since he was in ECW, which is weird. So now he looks 12. Swagger goes to toss Santino about ten seconds in, but he trips and falls over the top rope. Santino wins! Somehow, I doubt this will have any bearing on the actual rumble whatsoever.

Backstage, Kofi, Cena, and Randy Orton are playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. Thatís where that went!

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Johnston vs. John Cena

John Cena is not a popular man in Eagan. I will say that much for him. Neither is Kofi, really, but what do you expect for a guy named ďKofi Johnston.Ē You know who is popular? Randy Orton. I can only explain this by mentioning that itís the middle of winter, and most of these people havenít left the house in about three months. They probably relate to Randyís caveman sensibilities. Either that or heís really struck a nerve with Minnesotaís surprisingly large ďtotally wicked sleeve tats dudeĒ crowd.

(ads)

Haha CHINLOCK~! Now I remember why Randyís so popular around here. His amazing and diverse moveset. Cena locks in the STFU, but that goes nowhere, mostly because he locked it in on Justin Roberts. Kofi with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana on Cena, but the Lemony breaks things up. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton manages to miss all of this because heís signing autographs in the crowd. Thereís a time and a place for that, man. Sheamus senses the end of the match coming and wanders out, and sure enough Couchy takes out Cena and DiBiase ties Kofiís bootlaces together. Kofi tries to stand up but he falls over. Orton wins! Randy is really upset about this for some reason, and throws a massive temper tantrum totally missing his chance to have an awesome staredown with whoever the WWE Champion is right now.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with Mike Tyson.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: Youíre not going to take a swing at me are you?

Mike Tyson: Josh, Iíve learned from my mistakes! I could never hit anybody as beautiful as you.

Hornswoggle: What about me? Could you hit me?

Tyson: Man, I would just swing over your head, Huckleberry. I canít bend at the waste, silly man. But if I ever catch you, Iíd probably eat you for dinner.

Hornswoggle: I literally believe that.

Tyson: Sadly, it wouldnít be the first time.

(ads)

Hey, Miz is backstage! Good for him!

The Miz: Did you know that Iíve been kicked out of the WWE locker room, like, 900 times? On time I ate a refereeís bag. Sorry WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan! Thatís what you get for making your bag out of KFC. And JBL was all like, ďHey, Miz! When are you going to take a shower? Because I dropped some soap in there and I need you to pick it up!Ē Well you know what? Who do I look like? Evan Bourne? OkÖa little, but still. And why am I facing MVP? What in the hell has he done in the last year other than lose matches and force Mark Henry to rap. Thatís not worthy of a US Title shot! Thatís worthy of going back to jail. Like the womenís prison in Shakopee!

Montel Vontavious Porter: Man, I did not get all dressed up in my Sunday finest just so you can call me a girl and tell me that Iíve been to prison. Iíve kidnapped and assaulted ! What have you done? The Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Trishelle? This isnít The Real World, Miz, this is the real world!

Miz: UmÖNo itís not. This is RAW. Which is pretty much the exact opposite of either real world.

MVP: Do you really want a piece of this, right here in Owatonna? Do you want me to unleash my inner penguin? Because Iím an animal and this is a circus!

My Darling Stacy: Thatís what Iíve been trying to say this whole time!

Then MVP takes off all his clothes and throws Miz over the top rope. JUST LIKE IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE! Match of the night!

(ads)

Eve Torres vs. Katie Lea Burchill
In a Divas Title Tournament Match

Apparently Katie Lea got fired from ECW one of those weeks I wasnít watching. This was news to me, but mostly because I didnít even know she or Paul were even still in WWE. Hey! Isnít the next step down from ECW TNA? It sure as hell isnít RAW. Or maybe it is! Iíve been writing about the wrong show this whole time!! Chris Jericho is going to be especially pissed. Maryse is on commentary, back to yelling at Michael Cole for not knowing how to pronounce her name. Eve wins randomly with a roll-up (The Official Finisher of the Womenís Division) while Maryse eats a crepe.

Backstage, Vince McMahon is watching Carlito hit on Gail Kim. Heís like the Worldís Creepiest Dad.

(ads)

Vince is now in the ring.

Vince McMahon: You know what? Screw Bret Hart. Laters.

Ok then!

(ads)

You know who just bought RAW? The comedy duo of Nash Bridges and Napoleon Dynamite. WaitÖHuh? Seriously, you guys, what could Phillip Michael Thomas possibly be doing right now?

Degeneration X vs. Chris Jericho and Mike Tyson

Shawnís all about harassing Undertaker about their ďWrestlemania MatchĒ rather than doing the DX catchphrases at the beginning of the match, so Hunter has to do it all himself. Is it just me or has Mike Tyson lost about 200 pounds and six inches over the past few years. The guy looks tiny. Tyson tags in early on and gets into a shoving match. You know heís going to turn on Jericho here (SPOILER ALERT) because

A) Heís wearing a T-Shirt

And

B) He isnít even *trying* to punch Michaels, and thatís his move(!)

Shawn gets outwrestled by Mike, so he tags out to Hunter, and Tyson doesnít try to punch him either. Then Shawn pulls down Jerichoís pants. Hornswoggle comes out in boxing gear, and it looks for all the world like Tyson is going to eat him, but WAIT!

Tyson rips off his shirt to reveal an nWo shirt! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Then a TNA shirt! An Austin Shirt! Gossip Girl! Conan OíBrien! A shirt promoting Mass Effect 2! A shirt promoting the release of Tommy Dreamer (he finally got his own shirt!)! Another nWo shirt! Another nWo shirt! And finally a DX Shirt. Jericho is stunned. PUNCH TO JERICHO! THATíS HIS MOVE! DX wins! I guess!

After the match, Mike Tyson has waaaaaay too much fun pointing at his crotch while his son comes into the ring and hangs out awkwardly next to everybody. Then Mike eats Hornswoggle and the crowd in Rochester goes wild.

Next Week: Crockett and ďTubbsĒ solve the mystery of where the hell Nitro went. Also, The Undertaker makes an appearance on RAW to tell Shawn that heís not interested in having another match at Wrestlemania so leave him alone, Geez. And also, if thereís time, Sheamus.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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