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RAW SATIRE    
Needs More Veronica Mars~!

January 21, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Mike Tyson tried to punch a lot of people, but everybody knows to press left when he’s winding up. Also, Chris Jericho was kicked off RAW forever for…at least the ninth time. One more and he gets a free Smoothie! And, for some reason, Sheamus. Will we avoid that unpleasantness…TONIGHT?

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Vince McMahon, and he doesn’t look too happy.

 
Vince McMahon: I’m not too happy. First of all, we’re in Tennessee, which is never a good thing. I mean, we’re going to have to fight every segment to keep Lawler out of the ring. Lane Kiffin was right about this town. Anyway, what I really came out here to bitch about was Bret Hart. Did you see that guy? Excellence of Execution, my ass. He looks like somebody’s boring old grandpa now. He’s like a bad taco, he makes my colon want to explode.

 

BONG

The Embodied Voice of the Undertaker: Vince, this is stupid. Get out of the ring before you make this more stupid.

Vince: Come on, man! You’re not even on this show! Get out of my segment!

Taker: You remember 1997? When Bret Hart punched you? Because I do, and it looked like a lot of fun. I’m just saying.

Vince leaves, but he’s quickly replaced by Shawn Michaels.

Shawn Michaels: Taker! You got my 900 text messages! So what do you say? Want to have a match at Wrestlemania?

Taker: Oh…heeeeyyy, Shawn. Yeah, I got your messages…I’ve just been…busy. You know? Work. And…zombie stuff. You know how it is. So, to answer your question…No. I don’t want to have a match at Wrestlemania. I was thinking about a nap maybe.

Shawn: Come on, man! I want to be the guy that gets the big push from ending your streak. Who better?!

Kanyon: THAN KANYON?! Seriously though, TNA, call me!

Taker: Basically anybody would be better than you to end my streak.

Triple H: Anybody?

John Cena: Anybody?

Taker: Ok…maybe not anybody. But seriously, man, there’s nothing for you to gain by doing it. So no. You dragged me down here for no reason though, do you want to have a match tonight?

Shawn: Oooh…tonight doesn’t work for me. I’ve got a bunch of segments with a midget blocked out. Hey! I’ve got it! If I win the Rumble, will you fight me then?

Taker: Ugh. You know what? Fine. Whatever. Just don’t call me anymore. My girlfriend is starting to wonder.

(ads)

Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne
 
The champion in the opening match? Hell yeah! This is how you can tell they’re serious about Sheamus by how they keep feeding him Bourne in the curtain jerk. Randy Orton is out, not really to scout Sheamus, because…do you really need to scout Sheamus? But because he’s trying to figure out if he’s supposed to be the face or heel here. I’m pretty sure he’s a face now, but I’ll have to look it up in the TNA Face/Heel Handbook. Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!)! Sheamus wins! After the match, Randy charges the ring and Sheamus bails. Then he goes back in. And…then he leaves again.

Backstage….

Triple H: Man, what the hell was that? I can’t believe you basically begged Undertaker to have a match with you, and then gave away the result of this year’s Rumble. I mean…”Spoiler Alert!” Geez.

Shawn Michaels: Well, Hunter, I-

Don Johnson: Hey, guys! What’s up? I can’t believe I bought Monday Night RAW with John Heder. What do we have in common, right?

Shawn: What I can’t believe is that you still have enough money to buy this show. Miami Vice and Nash Bridges? Seriously?

Johnson: Well-

HHH: And if we were going to get one of the “stars” of When In Rome to buy this show, shouldn’t it have at least been Kristin Bell?

Shawn: Definitely. She’s a bargain at whatever price.

Johnson: John Heder! At last we meet!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Do I look like a skinny white guy to you?

Johnson: Um…Maybe?

Carlito: WHAT DID YOU DO TO TUBBS?!

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry
In a Royal Rumble Challenge Match
 
Swagger was, of course, hoping for Santino Marella, but Santino is far too engrossed in Italian Legend Don Johnson to make it out here for this match. Seriously though, could they not at least have gotten somebody from the movie poster to be on this show? Don’t tell me Josh Duhamel has anything better to do. I know that guy doesn’t. Anyway, predictably, Mark just picks Swagger up and throws him over. This is going to be so hilarious when Swagger eventually eliminates Henry and Santino on his way to winning the Royal Rumble (he won’t).

Backstage, the Bella Twins and Jon Heder are in a limo.

Jon Heder: This is totally sweet, my uncle is going to be so jealous that I bought this show. Ok, dude you stay in this limo while I go draw a sweet liger, ok?

WHO IS IN THE LIMO?! My money is on Eric Bischoff!

(ads)

Seriously, though, Kristin Bell couldn’t have been that busy, right? She doesn’t really do anything anymore but appear in Judd Apatow movies. Whatever. Don and Jon are coming to the ring. Their theme is, of course, “Heartbeat,” Don’s huge hit from the 80s. Check out Paul Schafer as a video editor! That was before Conan was angling for his job.

Jon Heder: Gosh! Looks like I should do some interpretive dance!

Don Johnson: Ugh. Not again! You keep doing that. Stop it.

Heder: And you stop hanging out with the Allman brothers!

Johnson: I…deserved that.

The Miz: Wow! Real Hollywood actors! I can stop comparing myself to Snookie and The Situation now! Don Johnson?! Whoa, where’s Cheech and what’s his name?

Johnson: Phillip Michael Thomas?

Miz: No, Steve Austin. What was with that guy’s vest anyway?

Montel Vontavious Porter: Aw man! We actually had an actual VIP here, and Jon Heder, and we’re not doing the VIP Lounge? Come on, guys!

Miz: I actually even forgot there was a VIP lounge.

Big Show: Hi Is this a good old fashioned orgy? Because I brought my best smelling singlet.

Johnson: No, trust me. I went to a couple great orgies back in the 80s, and this…isn’t one of them. I’m out.

Heder: Well…I’ll orgy with you, Show! I even drew you this sweet picture of Jushin Thunder Liger!

Show: That’s…great.

Heder: Tonight it’s going to be DX vs. Show and Miz! Laters!

Show: Wait…what?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? Hahaha…seriously though, where’d Don Johnson go? That guy still owes me fifty bucks.

(ads)

John Cena and Kofi Johnston vs. The Lemony
 
Tag team matches for everybody! Apparently all these guys are going to be in the Rumble. So, so far I figure it’s 90% guys from RAW, two guys from Smackdown and nobody from ECW because…Come on. Although Kofi counts as both himself and Shelton, so there’s one. Kofi goes for Trouble in Suburban Ghana on DiBiase, but he’s the good one, so it misses and Kofi just sits there and frowns for an hour while Cody Rhodes kicks him in the face. And that’s why he’ll never be anything more than a jobber. That and Randy Orton hates him because he won’t fall over in just the perfect way.

(ads)

Cody Rhodes is still on offense here. The crowd is catatonic. I’m so sorry they had to witness four straight minutes of Cody Rhodes on the attack. I’m sorry…I can’t write about this match anymore, because every time I look at John Cena I can’t help but here the “Pants on the Ground” song. He’s lookin’ like a fool with his jorts on the ground. Kofi off the top with a body press for the win out of nowhere. You know what? Why the hell not. I’ll take it. With his mouth full of gold, hat turned sideways-

Backstage….

Hornswoggle: …and that’s how I bedded both the Olsen Twins in one night.

Jon Heder: Do you want to help me feed my Llama?

Big Show: Wait, why would you want to have sex with the Olsen Twins? I can’t be the only one thinking that right? I mean…ew.

The Miz: You haven’t seen some of the girls I’ve dated, have you, Show?

Hornswoggle: Eh. I did it because I could. It’s just another mountain to climb, right? Now Lindsey Loh-

Triple H: There you are, you little scamp! You haven’t turned heel on me, have you?

Hornswoggle: Who me? I mean, you only treat me like a five year old dog and spent six months trying to get me to quit the show. Noooo, I’d never turn on you. At least not for these idiots.

Heder: How dare you! I gave you my last “Vote for Pedro” T-shirt!

Show: That sounds like a challenge to me!

Miz: Yep.

HHH: Definitely a challenge.

Hornswoggle: Looks like you’re in the match tonight whitey. Laters.

Everybody leaves.

Heder: I’ve got to go find my nunchucks.

(ads)

Maryse and Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres and Gail Kim
 
Hey, these are the people in the Divas thing! I’m really glad I’ve been half paying attention to that whole mess or I’d be pissed off that there was a random women’s tag match in here. Lord knows Don probably booked this one anyway. Wow…Alicia Fox and Eve Torres are not very good at this wrestling thing. They should’ve stuck to wedding planning and wandering around backstage respectively. Eve grabs Alcia’s arm and that’s…enough for the win. That’s her move? Hey, whatever. That’s like, Gail Kim’s third win since she’s been back!

(ads)

Backstage….

Don Johnson: …and that’s how I bedded both the Doublemint Twins in one night.

Kelly Kelly Kelly: I don’t know who that is. Hey, I really loved you in MacGyver!

Johnson: That was Richard Dean Anderson.

Kelly: Quantum Leap?

Johnson: Scott Bakula.

Kelly: Knight Rider?

Johnson: Now come on!

Jon Heder: I hate to break up this little conversation here, but I’m in the fight of my life! This isn’t tetherball, you guys! This is actual wrestling!

Johnson: Actual…fake wrestling.

The Miz: Shhh! That’s like telling kids there’s no Santa Claus!

Kelly: There’s NOT?!

Big Show: Yeah, shut it up, Crockett. Oh man, there’s some really bad wrestling joke in there, but I can’t figure out what it is.

Heder: Guys, have you, like, seen me? I’m going to get killed out there!

Show: Nah, don’t worry kid. Miz and I have your back. Hey, were even a better tag team that me and Jericho! We’re on the same page!

Miz: Yeah. Like, remember the time I did nothing but mock you for two months straight when we first came to this show? “Oh, I’m a fat stupid giant man! Look at my deformed head!”

Show: You know I forgot about that. Jon, why don’t you go wait in the hall, Miz and I have to…strategize.

Heder: Whatever, dudes! I’m stealing this old robe of Ric Flair’s! You can call me “The Flair!”

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ! Now can somebody point me in the direction of Abyss?

Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: Hunter, I’m telling you this is going to work.

Triple H: I don’t think calling all our fans “ECW Superstars” and telling them when to cheer and boo is going to help our ratings any, Vince.

Vince: Come on, who doesn’t want to be an ECW Superstar?

HHH: Tommy Dreamer?

Shawn Michaels: Hey Hunter…Are you ready? Heh. It’s like a pun!

HHH: I know! No. I’m not ready. There’s like…two more segments before our match. Chill out and grab some coffee or something.

Shawn: I can’t. He already wrestled tonight! Haha! Another pun! I’m brilliant!

HHH: Yes, between that and being rejected by Undertaker tonight, you’re on a real roll tonight. Hornswoggle, why are you up on that ladder? Wielding an axe?

Hornswoggle: Who? Me? No reason. I mean…of course there’s a reason. I just thought I’d…give you guys a free hair cut. You know…for being such a great friend these past few…seconds.

Shawn: With an axe?

Hornswoggle: They were all out of scissors under the ring.

HHH: I’ll buy that. Take a little off the top, but not too much, I don’t want to end up looking like Shawn here.

Shawn: Words really do hurt sometimes, Hunter.

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters
In a Tiny Hotdog Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Is this what it’s really come down to? Our Iron Chef reduced to the level of Evan Bourne, as a jobber in the worst WWE Title feud of all time?

Fukui: It would seem that way, but man I can’t wait to try some of those little hotdogs. Mmm!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: That’s not the first time I’ve heard that today! Like mother like son, I guess!

Fukui: Would you stop?

Hatori: Probably not any time soon.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Sheamus came out and threw Haggis in everybody’s dishes, so this whole thing is a wash. Then the Iron Chef fainted, and he fell over, so I guess Orton won. Oh, and then Sheamus hit him with a Bicycle Kick.

Fukui: Oh! The Finisher of Champions!

(ads)

The Big Show, The Miz, and Jon “Flair” Heder vs.-

(ads)

The Big Show, The Miz, and Jon “Flair” Heder vs. Degeneration X and Hornswoggle

Oh, show, you card! I can’t even be mad about that, random commercial break because friggin’ Don Johnson is at ringside, and Napoleon Dynamite is wandering around on the apron in his underwear. They go back and forth with actual wrestlers for a couple minutes, then Hornswoggle and Heder tag in. Moon boot to the face by Heder. Hunter comes in, so Heder bails, but Don Johnson throws a loafer at his head. He learned that from Konan. Shawn comes in for Superkicks all around. DX wins!

Hey, everybody! It’s John Cena!

John Cena: Guess what? I’m in the Royal Rumble this year!

Shawn Michaels: Um…Ok? I kind of figured you would be.

Big Show: Hey guys! I’m in the Rumble too!

Shawn: Yeah. Yeah. We know.

Triple H: I am too!

Shawn: I guessed that.

Triple H throws everybody, including Michaels, out of the ring.

HHH: Does that plant any doubt that we’re totally telegraphing this one for Shawn?

Shawn: Not really, no. Sorry.

Next Week: Two guys from that one USA show nobody watches buy RAW so that they can be seen on their own network. Also Shawn Michaels tries to convince people he’s totally not going to win the Rumble by intentionally losing Jack Swagger’s challenge. And probably Sheamus somewhere in there too.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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