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RAW SATIRE    
Carlito Coal-Miner Cool

January 28, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Don Johnson and Jon Heder were not Kristen Bell, which was very unfortunate. Also, The Undertaker showed up, rolled his eyes at Shawn Michaels and then left. Anybody seen Sheamus lately? Maybe he’ll show up…TONIGHT?! 
 

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Degeneration X, and they don’t look too happy with each other. Maybe it has something to do with Hunter throwing Shawn out of the ring. Or maybe they got into a fight about who got the mirror backstage. I don’t know why Shawn’s complaining, he’s got chaps for that.
 

Shawn Michaels: Dammit, Hunter, you just won the Rumble eight years ago! It’s my turn now!

Triple H: Shawn, you don’t understand, I really want to wrestle Sheamus. I’m pretty sure I can beat that guy.

Shawn: Holy hell man, listen to yourself! Do you really thing Sheamus is still going to have the title at Wrestlemania?! That’s ridiculous! No way does that guy get a six month title run. I’m pretty sure that’s longer than all of Edge’s put together.

HHH: And what are you going to do? Lose to Undertaker again? Brilliant plan.

Shawn: Yes it is a brilliant plan, because at least I’ll be wrestling at Wrestlemania this year, unlike you, because you’ll probably pop a quad again!

HHH: I’m so going to throw you out now.

Shawn: Not if Evan Bourne eliminates you first!

Evan Bourne: Man, leave me out of this.

Degeneration X vs. The Lemony

Aw…I hate it when my two dads fight. Speaking of which, I wonder what Hornswoggle feels about all of this. I know Shawn sent him away, but I’d really like to have his opinion. Gasp! Do you think Shawn’s finally realizing that wrestling is serious business?! It only took him two years, but Jericho’s finally gotten through to him. Hunter goes for the Pedigree on Cody, but Ted breaks it up. Already, guys? Geez. Michael Cole ignores all of this to tell us that James Roday, the star of some TV show, apparently, bought RAW and then promptly died rather than appear on it.

(ads)
 
Oh, I guess he’s not dead after all. My bad. Michael Cole’s explanation for why Roday isn’t here, “I dunno.” Great reporting there, Michael. It’s no wonder you were fired from TV news.

Newscaster: Michael, I hear gunshots and raid sirens, what’s the latest from Kosovo?
Michael Cole:
Huh? I was getting a sandwich, what’s up?

I don’t know why they’re freaking out about it. It’s not like this is the first time a guy’s shown up to the show 90 minutes late. Hell, Austin used to wait until Tuesday to show up to RAW. It’s cool. Shawn with a Superkick to Ted for the win. Michael Cole seems to be confused as to who “Luke Gallows” is.

(ads)

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. The Big Show

Before the match, Miz comes out and reminds everyone that when MVP was in prison, Miz was a TV star. Sadly, MVP does not say that he would rather be in jail than be on the Real World. Come on, how much money does MVP make? He was the highest paid star in Smackdown history right? Send me a check and I’ll write your promos for you, dude. Miz goes on to make fun of MVP’s catchphrase, despite Miz’ being, “I’m awesome.” Chokeslam by Show to end it. Good…build up?

(ads)

Backstage, there’s a *CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT* in progress.

Cody Rhodes: Thanks for losing the match, Ted.

Ted DiBiase: Yes, that’s exactly what I was trying to do.

Rhodes: Now I’m rested up and well on my way to winning the Royal Rumble.

DiBiase: Cody, neither one of us is going to win the Rumble. Come on.

Randy Orton: Couchy, Todd, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the NFC Girl’s Chocolatechip. And this Someday at the Regal Rumpus, I will defeat Shameless and hold that typo once a grain.

DiBiase: You don’t have to tell us that every time you come up to us Randy, we already know.

Orton: Oh.

Elsewhere….

John Cena: Who are you, exactly?

Dule Hill: Dule Hill. You don’t remember me?

Cena: Um….

Hill: You just guest starred on my TV show.

Cena: Oh yeah? What’s it called?

Hill: Psyche.

Cena: Oh, ho ho! You got me! I thought you were being serious there for a second. Hahaha.

Hill: No, seriously, the name of the show is Psyche.

Cena: I don’t get it.

The Miz: Hey guys, do you want to see what I just Googled?

Hill: No, but I just Googled your ass into a match!

Miz: That doesn’t make any sense!

Hill: And it’s going to be awesome. PSYCHE!

Dule leaves.

Cena: Well…I want to see what you Googled.

Did he just leave them in his office?

(ads)

Maryse vs. Eve Torres
In a Divas Title Tournament Match

Yes. It sure is nice to see Eve has made it this far into the tournament. This is like…If a community college made it into the Final Four or something. Maryse gets some unexpected fireworks during her entrance courtesy of Dule Hill, and I think that should be a theme for this show. Some random person during each RAW should get random fireworks during their entrance. It’d make the show a lot more exciting waiting to see who would get them. Maryse with the pin about ten seconds later.

(ads)

Hey, it’s Vince! What’s the word on the street, Vince?

Vince McMahon: I bet you’d all like to know what the word on the street is “stupid.” As in, having two random people from some USA show buy this show was stupid. And The Undertaker is stupid for coming out here and threatening me last week, a-

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Don’t make me come down there.

Vince: Oh! Sorry! Um…and Bret Hart is stupid for thinking that I’m still feuding with him, when I’m clearly not. I mean, I’ve gone almost five minutes without saying Bret Hart, unless you count the times I just said it. Face it, Bret Hart, you were nothing in WCW, and now that you’re working at a topless genie bar, you’re nothing again!

Then Vince went milling into the crowd, asking why Bret Hart should come back, and getting responses like, “Because he’s awesome like Miz!” and “Damn” and “Because he’s already under contract until Wrestlemania!” What is he, Bubba the Love Sponge?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YOOOO!

What’s the matter, Vince?
Why you so down?
Got a purple suit,
Lookin’ like a Joker clown.

You say you don’t want Bret?
That’s just swell,
But if you did confront him,
Think of all the tickets you’d sell.

I want to see Bret back,
No one can exceed him,
But mostly I want him,
Because I think I can beat him.

So Vince, take him back,
Come confront your stalker,
And in thirty years,
I’ll beat you with a walker.

Best there is, was, will be,
Listen to the cheer!
But not for Bret Hart,
But because THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Vince: Wait, are you really dressed like that? That’s pretty stupid. And that’s coming from the guy in the purple Joker suit.

(ads)

The Miz vs. Kofi Johnston

Oooh, what a scary contest Dule Hill put together here. I mean anybody with even a passing knowledge of the WWE Roster (or…um…pictures) could pick a more menacing opponent for Miz. So, what happens if Kofi and Shelton are in the ring at the same time at the Rumble? Can they both be eliminated at once? Because Kofi is Shelton, but Shelton is definitely not Kofi. Anyway, Miz hops around for a second, excited that his opponent is some jobber, and he gets hit with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana for the win. Oops. Good job, Dule.

Speaking of which, in the production truck….

Carlito Caribbean Cool: You know, you’re the first person to actually talk to me in about five years.

Dule Hill: I know what it’s like to be a star who nobody knows who I am.

Carlito: Yeah, I was kind of surprised about that. How does a guy whose only source of money is a third tier cable TV show buy Monday Night RAW?

Hill: You would be surprised how cheap I got this for.

Carlito: No, I probably wouldn’t.

Hill: What’s this button marked “RAW Roulette?”

Carlito: Oh, that just makes random matches so that Vince doesn’t have to think.

Dule presses the button and it books Carlito against Kelly Kelly Kelly in a Coal Miner’s Glove Match.

Carlito: Best. Host. EVER.

EVER!

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly
In a Coal Miner’s Glove Match

Hell yes. This is my early match of the year contender and it’s not even going to happen. Oops. SPOILER ALERT! Sorry. Kelly’s having trouble even lifting up on the glove. Santino Marella comes out, mostly to discuss his new TV show. I’m sorry, but if WWE doesn’t hire me to write The Santino Marella Show there’s something wrong in this universe (or WWE Universe, as the case may be). Can anyone else really do that concept justice? Come on. Anyway Jack Swagger runs out and throws Santino out of the ring, and celebrates, because finally he did something right. Then Kelly whacks Carlito with her glove and picks up the win.

(ads)

Want to know the stats of every past Royal Rumble? Too bad.

Backstage….

John Cena: Coal Miner’s Glove is really the must underexploited gimmick in wrestling history.

James Roday: Hey guys! I’m on the telephone!

Dule Hill: What the hell happened to you? You’re the wrestling fan! You left me to the wolves here, dude! I just spent the last half hour talking to some guy named “Carlito” who nobody likes because he said he was “cool.”

Roday: Sorry man, I’d rather have my appendix taken out than lower myself to appearing live on that show.

Cena: Well the jokes on you, James, because you’re on RIGHT NOW!

Click.

Cena: Aw.

Alicia Fox: What the hell is going on this segment? Somebody need a wedding planned?

Hill: Heh. Yeah. Me. Because I’m going to get married to you, baby.

Fox: No. But you’re on that psychic show, right? The Mentalist or whatever?

Hill: Um…sure! I’m Simon Baker! I was awesome in The Devil Wears Prada.

Fox: Well, what do you predict that I’m going to do tonight?

Hill: Me!

Cena: Hiyoooooo!

Hill: Man, they should’ve given me the Tonight Show!

(ads)

Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox (w/ Dule Hill)
In a Divas Title Tournament Match

Hill spends most of the match on commentary talking about how he has no idea what’s going on, but that at least he’s not Freddie Prinze Jr. Well, that’s something anyway. The ladies go back and forth for a couple seconds before Gail hits her move (That’s Her Move!) for the win. Wow. Gail’s on a real winning streak here. Alicia is pretty pissed off that Dule didn’t do something about all this, so when he goes back to hitting on her, she hauls off and slaps him. Lawler treats this like a very serious offense, because he understands.

(ads)

John Cena vs. Sheamus

Non-title, of course. We’re locked into this half-year Sheamus run as champion, so we might as well make the most of it. I guess William Shatner just bought RAW so that will…be…interesting. Sheamus goes for the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!), but it misses. Thank God. Could you imagine if that would’ve hit? Cena’s career would be over! THEN HE HITS IT! BY GAWD! BY GAWD! John Cena has been broken in half! Sheamus is so giddy that he forgets to breathe and he passes out. Orton wins! Randy comes out to celebrate, but I guess the kick only ended Cena’s career for a couple seconds as he jumps up and hits Orton with the Attitude Adjustment. John Cena is going to Wrestlemania!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Randy Orton cannot fully grasp the power of Sheamus. Plus, the ladies battle it out over the Diva’s Title in a Coal Miner’s Glove match. And in the biggest shocker of all time, Cody Rhodes actually does win the Royal Rumble.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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