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RAW SATIRE    
Shawn Michaels: Conspiracy Victim

February 4, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Cody Rhodes shocked everybody by winning the Royal Rumble. Ok, that didn’t happen, some guy named Edge won. Also, Sheamus is somehow still the WWE Champion, which baffles literally every one. Will we be any less baffled…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hey! It’s Edge! He looks like he’s lost about a million pounds. He did win the Royal Rumble though, so I can’t hate him for that?

 
Edge Tian: Wow, it’s nice to be back here on RAW! Actually, I completely forget what show I was supposed to be on, so I kinda just…showed up here tonight. Can a girl get a salad here? Heh. Thought I forgot about that one while I was gone didn’t you? Before I left I was tag team partners with Chris Jericho, but then he went with Big Show and got into a drunken slap fight with Shane Helms. Meanwhile, I lost a million pounds and grew a sick beard. Who’s the winner there? Eh. It’s probably a wash. But now I have a title shot at Wrestlemania! And who am I taking on? Probably Sheamus. Because seriously, you guys? Sheamus? Come on.


Sheamus: Yeah, seriously, me! Come on, man, what’s wrong with a little Sheamus?

Edge: Dude, have you seen yourself? I mean, I thought I was a horrible champion my first time around, but at least I had Lita whoring around with me. All you have is…red hair and an accent. Which, to be fair, is all Rick Astley ever needed.

Sheamus: You know I beat John Cena!

Edge: You know, I beat John Cena, like, 900 times.

Sheamus: I’m going to lull you into a false sense of security and hit you with the microphone.

Edge: I’m going to be shocked.

Sheamus whacks him on the head with the microphone which shocks Edge. Sheamus pulls back for the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) but Edge ducks underneath and hits a Spear!

(ads)

John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes
In an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match

You’re…you’re kidding me right? John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes, and you’re serious about this, show? Oh gee, I wonder who will be going to the Elimination Chamber from this pairing. Join us later tonight for Triple H vs. Kung Funaki. Even Michael Cole gives up on it to start and starts talking about how My Darling Stacy is going to be on Psych. I thought she wanted nothing to do with this show anymore. I got it in the divorce, sadly. She ended up with my Star Trek Pinball machine. A fair trade, really, since Star Trek Pinball hasn’t actually worked since I was six. Cross-Rhodes and Cody wins it. Heh. Just kidding, Cena won, like, five sentences ago.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Vince McMahon.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Vince McMahon, and Vince I have to ask you, what are you going to do about Bret Hart confronting you tonight?

Vince McMahon: Is kicking him in the balls an option again?

Mathews: It’s kind of played out, to be honest.

Vince: Well, quite frankly, I have no idea then. I guess I’ll just tell him that he’s boring, dresses like a hobo, and smells like month old strippers, and see where it goes from there.

William Shatner: Vince…I can’t…believe…you talked me…into buying this show.

Vince: Hey, buddy. You called me and said you wanted on WWE TV so you could show those Star Trek guys what they missed out on by not hiring you.

Shatner: Actually…I’m…angling for a part in Avatar 2. I…want to play one of those birds.

Mathews: I think they were supposed to be pterodactyls.

Vince: Nobody asked you!

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Triple H
In an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match

Oh, God. They’re going to do this all night, aren’t they? I guess you can tell, at least, that William Shatner hasn’t watched RAW since he was on it however many years ago. “That…Swagger…is he a main eventer? Whatever.” I do kind of wish that Swagger and Rhodes would’ve won these matches. It would be the best Elimination Chamber since the last time they let ECW have one. Bob Holly and Test were in that match! What in the world!

(ads)

Michael Cole is on fire tonight. After spending the last whole match talking about Stacy, he’s spending this entire match speculating that Swagger’s going to win. I love it when Cole goes on tilt. Swagger does get a power bomb off, but Hunter gets back up and gets a PEDIGREE TO SWAGGER for the win. SHOCKING SWERVE~! Triple H vs. Sheamus is going to be pretty much the greatest Wrestlemania main event of all time. That is if Sheamus can survive the Elimination Chamber and eventual qualifier Hornswoggle.

(ads)

Backstage, William Shatner is singing The Great Khali’s theme song. I would buy this CD. He is Shelton.

Elsewhere….

Shawn Michaels: I can’t believe I lost the Rumble. I mean…we totally telegraphed it!

Triple H: Yeah. We did.

Shawn: Hunter, we run Barter Town! How in the world did we get SHOCKING SWERVE~!ed like that?

HHH: Uh…I dunno, man.

Hornswoggle: Maybe when you kicked him out, he ran back and complained to his little wife and she sent Thetista out there to throw you out.

HHH: Maybe you should shut up, little man.

Shawn: It’s fine. Whatever. I’m going to wrestle tonight for a shot at the Elimination Chamber, all I have to do is win that, win the WWE Title and then force Undertaker to challenge me. And who is my opponent going to be? Tough Enough Jessie?

HHH: Yeah…about that….

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels
In an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match

Bwahahahaha. I’m sorry, but…Bwahahahaha! I guess Primo was busy or something. Shawn looks totally crestfallen. Triple H secretly screwing Shawn over via Stephanie is the best angle in WWE history. Or possibly TNA history. Whichever, I guess. Shawn sells the DDT like a champ, which reminds me of how funny Sheamus’ sell of this move was at the Rumble. He struggles, struggles, and then is just like, “Yeah, Ok, DDT me then.” So noble. Shawn kips up, but slips on a banana peel somebody mysteriously left in the ring and falls back over. Orton wins! Sadly, Shawn does not Superkick WWE RAW Refere Charles Robinson again, even though he was kind of asking for it.

(ads)

At some bar in Nashville, a band is playing and not watching RAW. Great advertising. Sadly, the band is not Paramore. I’m sure CM Punk is all broken up over it.

Backstage….

Randy Orton: Another typo shot for Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the TNA Girl’s Chocolatechip! I can’t wait for the Elimidate Chandelier!

Ted DiBiase: Me neither! It’s going to be the Match of the Year!

Orton: I hate you.

Mark Henry vs. Ted DiBiase Jr.
In an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match

And the race to be the first one eliminated is on! To be fair, the Smackdown one is going to be even worse. Who’s going to be in it? Festus? I shudder to think of who might be in an ECW one. Or whatever they’re calling it now. Jakked? Has Shatner done anything all night? They should just replace him with RAW Satire Super Fan Tough Enough Jessie and see if anybody notices. I forgot where I was going with this. DiBiase wins! Congratulations, Ted! Your “Miss Congeniality Crown” is right over there next to Lita. Be careful of the Luchagores.

Jack Brisco died. No. The other one.

Backstage, Kofi Johnston and The Big Show are both learning hot new dance moves. What will be the Thunder Clap of 2010?!

(ads)

Backstage….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: …and that’s the story of how Jeremy Piven dumped me for a picture of Ashley Greene.

Gail Kim: That story sounds highly dubious. At best.

Kelly: Your face is highly dubious!

Maryse: Oh my god, you guys. How in the world did the Diva’s title suddenly become about wrestling and the Women’s Title become about cake?

Gail: I blame Beth Phoenix.

Kelly: OBJECTION!

The girls share a laugh.

Maryse: Good talk. Laters.

Gail: Why…did they even bother giving us TV time?

Man, I’m just glad they didn’t have a match. Anyway, elsewhere….

The Miz: It sure was nice of William Shatner to leave his office completely empty with this fruit tray in here. Watermelon?

Big Show: Nah, I got a match coming up. So what do you think of my hot dance move?

Miz: The Bartman? Really? Really?

Show: Yeah. I’m bringing it back!

Miz: Michael Jackson wrote that, you know.

Show: Everybody, if you can, do the Bartman!

CM Punk: Are you two on drugs?! Knock off that stupid dancing and let us have our title shot! DX has ducked us for the last time!

Show: Uh-huh. I’m sure Triple H and Shawn Michaels are super scared of Festus.

Luke Gallows: Hey!

Miz: WOAH! Show! It’s EDGE!

Punk: I’m not Edge. I’m CM Punk.

Miz: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Punk: Come on. I was just World Champion not that long ago! I’m Straight Edge….

Miz: Yeah? Well, I’m Straight Miz. And you’re still, Edge.

Punk: I’M NOT EDGE!

Show: Hey, how’s your girlfriend? You still dating Lita?

Punk: Yeah-

Miz: AH-HA!

Serena: Wait, what?

Punk: Shove it, baldy. Now about that match….

This looks like a job for the RAW Match Negotiator!

William Shatner: Do…you guys…need discount tickets…to Salt Lake City?

Punk: No?

Miz: Who would want to go there?

Shatner: How about…hotel rates…in…Cleveland? You name…the price!

Gallows: Um…ok?

Shatner: I’m a Shaman!

John Morrison: Me too!

Punk: You’re not even on this show! Um…either. Whatever. I’m going to go see if I can figure out where they’re hiding Paramore.

Elsewhere…

Triple H: Don’t sweat it, man. We can just have a crappy tag team match or something. Maybe we can face Edge and Festus there.

Shawn Michaels: But I wanted to fight Undertaker!

HHH: Ok, I don’t get it. He’s a super old man who can barely move anymore, and he’s going to beat you. What about that sounds fun to you?

Shawn: I’ve got $50 in Vegas that says that I wrestle Undertaker at Mania this year.

HHH: Oh. Yeah, good luck then!

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. The Big Show (w/ Miz)

Now here, here is a guy who is Shelton. I’m referring, of course, to The Miz. Kofi with a lot of offense early on. Way more than you would think against a guy who outweighs him by a small car. It is Big Show, though. MVP jumps Miz outside the ring. Wow, that MVP is kind of a jerk. Who’s supposed to be the face in that feud? (The answer? Probably Evan Bourne) Kofi ducks a Big Show punch, which ends up laying out WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Oh, is it time for our tri-annual referee strike angle? Sweet! WWE RAW Referee Bullet Scott Armstrong calls for the DQ from backstage. Can he do that?! KOFI IS GOING TO NO WAY OUT OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED NOW!

(ads)

In the ring, William Shatter Spears Jerry “” Lawler while the Bella Twins look on creepily. Knock it off, ladies.

William Shatner: I’ve been wanting to do that forever. Anyway, here’s a guy!

Bret Hart: Come on, Bill. You used to be my manager.

Shatner: Holy hell! You’re Bret Hart?! What happened to you?!

Hart: Everybody died and I ran off to become a topless genie who talks to stuffed bears.

Shatner: The same thing happened to DeForest Kelly.

Hart: Look, I just wanted to come out here and say that I don’t know where the hell this feud with Vince is going. I can’t wrestle. And if Vince thinks I’m going to spend all six months of my contract getting cock punched, that’s not going to happen. Don’t I have some people vaguely related to me on one of the other shows? Why can’t I just go over there and pretend like I know who they are for a few months and then take a nap?

Vince McMahon: Because, Bret! Cock punching is pretty much all I’ve got left! And what are you going to do about it? Spell TNA in the air? Are even you that despirate?

Bret: Come on, Vince. We’re both old men. I had a stroke. Let’s just…I don’t know…star in a WWE Film about cranky old men yelling at Rey Misterio or something.

Vince: Look at you! It’s been how long and you still haven’t learned to cut a promo? I guess all that time as a topless genie didn’t do you any good. I mean, seriously, I remember you were boring before, but how in the hell did you ever convince me to make you WWE Champion? I mean…I guess everybody else was on roids and coke back in those days, huh? Wow…good times. Hahaha! I guess they weren’t all bad times. Remember when I had you give up your title match to Hogan? Or when you lost to Shawn Micheals? Or Steve Austin? And those guys all went on to be huge stars and you went to WCW and got dropped on your head and went off to live in the Mines of Moria! Good times!

Hart: Heh. Yeah.

Vince: And those pink tights? What was the deal with those? So ugly, right?

Hart: NEVER TALK ABOUT THEM LIKE THAT!

And Bret flies off the handle and starts wailing on Vince. You never mess with a guy who loves hot pink that much. Bret shoves Vince to the ground and goes to lock in the Sharpshooter, but “Dave” Batista “Davidson” breaks it up. Because…um…he…I honestly don’t know. Sorry.

Dave goes for the OSPREY BOMB TO BRET HART~! which is a bad idea of pretty epic proportions, to the point where even Vince is kind of like, “Let’s just let it go.” So he and The Tista dance off into the sunset. Where the hell was John Cena during all of this?

Backstage….

John Cena: Come on, say it!

William Shatner: I…don’t get it…that wasn’t even my line.

Cena: Say it!

Shatner: You’re…thinking of…Pat-

Cena: SAY IT!

Shatner: Make…it…so.

Cena: Ugh. That wasn’t right at all.

Shatner: Do you…still…want me to sign…your copy of TekWar?

Cena: TekWar? I thought you wrote Dune!

Shatner: I…uh…can I interest you in…a trip to Salt Lake City?

Cena: Can you ever!

Next Week: Some race car man hosts, which worked out so well last time right, Kofi? Plus, Shawn Michaels finds a way to get out his agression by dressing Hornswoggle up as Mini-Taker. And Sheamus. Maybe. If you’re good. Or…bad, I guess.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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