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RAW SATIRE    
Now With 33% More Hippie...

March 3, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Jewel hit a bunch of people with either her guitar or her boobs. Whichever would be more awesome. Also, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” still ended up being World Heavyweight Champion for some reason. And Shawn Michaels basically quit by putting his career on the line against The Undertaker. At Wrestlemania, though. Not…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Speaking of Shawn Michaels, he’s in the ring, and he looks kind of depressed.

 
Shawn Michaels: I can’t believe I have to suffer through a whole month more of this. Can’t Undertaker just come out here and beat me now? Geez. And what if I accidentally win?! It’d be just my luck, wouldn’t it? After all, I’m “Mr. Wrestlemania.” Oh, God. He’s going to come down to the ring, start on fire, and not be able to compete and I’m going to win by forfeit! Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. Somebody come out here and tell me everything’s going to be all right! Please?
 

Triple H: Shawn, everything’s going to be fine. You’re going to go to Wrestlemania, Superkick Undertaker’s ass, and DX is going to take over Monday Night RAW! YEAH! WOOOO!

Shawn: Hunter, that is literally the last thing I wanted to hear right now.

HHH: Shawn, Whyspyr just started on fire.

Shawn: WHAT?! NO!!!

HHH: Heh. See? That’s the last thing you wanted to hear right now. Anywhoozle, I got us booked in a tag title match against the big guy and the little guy. I can’t wait until we win the tag titles again!

Shawn: I don’t want the tag titles! I want to retire! Are you insane?!

Backstage….

Cheech Marin: Duuuude. What are we doing in this office, man? Did we get arrested?

Tommy Chong: Why wasn’t I on Nash Bridges?! You abandoned me, Cheech!

Rob Van Dam: Duuude, have you guys seen The Wrong Side of Town? My daughter was hot in that!

Bella Twins: That’s gross, Rob.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Cheech: That’s creepy, girls! But kind of hot. What do you say we get out of here?

Cheech and the Bellas leave.

Hornswoggle: Ok, who wants to eat my Lucky Charms?

Chong: Is it sad that that’s only the fourth weirdest thing a leprechaun has said to me today?

RVD: Wait until you meet our talking dragon! He lives in a briefcase!

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase

I did have the…um…fortune of seeing Wrong Side of Town this weekend. ACTING~! Special guest appearances by Ja Rule (for, like, ten seconds) and Viscera! How far they’ve fallen! It was kind of fun in a horribly stupid way. What’s up with this match anyway? Remember when it was pretty much a guarantee for Wrestlemania? That’s what you get for pinning all your hopes on Ted DiBiase. Though, it’s not all their fault. He is a Hall of Famer, after all.

(ads)

I love that the crowd is 100% behind Randy Orton. Because, you know the second he actually turns face, the crowd is just going to go dead. Ted trips over his own sense of self worth, and starts to fall over, but then he doesn’t. Cody Rhodes is out, which is a whole ‘nother layer of why this feud was never going to make it to Wrestlemania. Randy attempts an actual wrestling move (?!)…ok, it’s just a roll-up, but still…but Cody punches him in the head for the DQ. Sweet move, Couchy. Randy fights them both off like the super face that he is, and then goes into the corner to pout.

(ads)

Backstage….

Bret Hart: When I find out who did this to my leg, he’s going down!

Tough Enough Jessie: Bret Hart! My nemesis! I’m going to take you down, you hear me?! You’re going down!

Hart: Wait, who are you again?

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAAH!

Elsewhere….

Tommy Chong: …and that’s how we bought Monday Night RAW!

Rob Van Dam: I can’t wait until I get my check for my film! I’m going to buy this show and turn it into a sequel to Wrong Side of Town! Yeah! All Right!!

Chong: Good luck getting that check, bro! I’m still waiting for the one from Get Out of My Room. Isn’t that right, Eve?

William Regal: What are you talking about? I’m William Regal, you wanker!

RVD: No you’re not! You’re Eve Tores!

Cheech Marin: This is some TNA level crap here, dudes.

Chong: Yeah! All right!!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Hey guys, have you seen my boobs?

RVD: Look, dudes! It’s Kelly Kelly Kelly!

Masters: Ok, this is getting ridiculous. What are you guys talking about?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: I’m standing right behind you.

Hornswoggle: Hey, guys! Who wants to lick me? I hear you get maaaaagic powers!

Cheech: Aren’t you supposed to go hang out with DX?

Hornswoggle: I hate it when they fight.

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella

Funny story, I wa…Oh. Jack Swagger just won with a power bomb. Maybe next time.

Backstage, Thetista is wandering around with some security guys. Maybe he’s looking for some people to fire!

(ads)

Here’s John Cena.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO YO! YO! YOOOO!

Thetista beat me,
Went on an Elimidate,
I lost the belt,
Vince
said it was my fate!

Now Wrestlemania bound,
Taste my Apple Dough!
It washes down nice,
With a bottle of Snapple, yo!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: That was a bad RHYME!

Cena: What’s with all the security, Dave?

Batista: I am a big movie STAR!

Cena: Me too, but you don’t see me out here with bodyguards.

Batista: The Marine was a FAILURE!

Cena: At least my movie came out in theatres!

Batista: That was LOW! Something about Steve AUSTIN!

Cena: Dave, what is your problem with me, anyway?

Batista: I should be the hot young CHAMPION!

Cena: Dave, you’re, like, in your mid-fifties.

Batista: I am young at HEART!

Cena: I don’t think that counts.

Batista: I have to go kiss some fat GIRLS! WOOO!

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

(ads)

Backstage….

Rob Van Dam: …and that’s the story of the time Lance Storm and I were best friends and stole a gopher.

Tommy Chong: Who’s Lance Storm?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Cheech Marin: What do you think about all this business, Chavo?

Chavo Guerrero: Oh my God! I actually get to be on RAW?!

Cheech: No! Hahaha! Seriously though, look you guys, it’s the Colons!

Chong: The last time my doctor said that it was bad news.

Primo Colon: Why are we in this segment again? We hate each other!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: We’re the only vaguely Latino people on this show. Guys, I’m really disappointed because I heard my ex-wife is getting fired. I can’t believe she married Donald Trump….

Katie Lea Burchill: You guys! You guys! They’re firing everybody! My brother Paul just got the axe! Now we’ll never have sex!

RVD: See? It’s not that weird! It’s entertainment!

Carlito: Wait, who is she again?

Santino: Some-a girl! Anyway, I’m-a the last stereotypical-a character who-a hasn’t appeared-a in this segment-a!

Chong: I told you this was a mistake.

Cheech: And I told you that you did appear on Nash Bridges…on that one episode!!

Zach Ryder (w/ Erosa Mendez) vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

We got Zach Ryder? Really? Zach friggin’ Ryder? Really?! That’s pretty depressing. Am I to even think that Ryder has a chance in hell of winning this match? Or that MVP has a shot at winning Money in the Bank? Well, the answer is “No” to the former, and “Who cares?” the former. MVP won, like, before I got to the end of “Zack Ryder” the first time. Thanks for coming out tonight, Rosa! Hope you enjoy spending all your quality time with Zach Ryder for the next few months until they forget either of you exst.

Backstage, the Divas are wearing pajamas. Look, ladies, I know the show has been boring so far, but-

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Eve Torres vs. Jillian Hall vs. Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox vs. Maryse
In a Pajama Party Pillow-Fight Match

It’s no Coal Miner’s Glove. So…is this for the title? No? Ok, then. I guess Katie Lea and Rosa were too busy to show up tonight. Or the Bella Twins for that matter. Are any of those people actually on this show? Or do they just kind of show up? Cheech, Chong, and RVD come out to soak up the wrestling on display. I wonder if Cheech and Chong will be in Wronger Side of Town? This already has more time than the last two men’s matches combined. Awesome Kong is going to love it here. Eve wins with her move (That’s Her Move!). Wait…you can win this match?!

In the Hall of Fame? Mad Dog Vachon. Ok, Luna wasn’t exactly a looker, but calling her a dog is pretty mean, you guys!

(ads)

Vince is in the ring. Maybe he’s going to fire somebody else?! My money is on Suga Shane. Again. Just on general principals.

Vince McMahon: I know what you’re all thinking, but no, I’m not going to fire anybody else right now. No matter how much they might deserve it. No, I’m going to bring out my best friend in the whole world! Bret Hart!

Bret Hart: Vince, how could I be your best friend? You never call me anymore. You didn’t go to my topless genie show. And I’m pretty sure you tried to have some girl run over my leg a couple weeks ago.

Vince: Poppycock! I don’t know who did that!

Backstage….

Tough Enough Jessie: AAAAAAGH!

Meanwhile….

Vince: You’re an old man, even by my standards, and you suck, and your family is lame and dysfunctional, and I hate you, and you wrestling in WCW was a joke of epic proportions.

Bret: Ok, enough. Look, I’m trying to be the better man here. All those years stuck down in the Mines of Moria talking to stuffed animals taught me a lot about myself. I want to turn over a new leaf. Surely, you didn’t bring me back just to mock me for six months and then fire me again?

Vince: Oh nooooo. That doesn’t sound like me at aaaaaaaaall.

Bret: You know what? I’m going to go home. I think Gossip Girl is on, and I never miss an episode.

Vince: Bret Hart, you are a coward, a mediocre wrestler, and honestly Terry Funk just didn’t drop you on your head hard enough.

Bret: Ok, you know what? One leg or not, I’m going to beat you like Mad Dog Vachon.

Vince: That just wasn’t nice. But I’ll do you one better, Bret Bretterson, I’m going to take on John Cena next week, just to show you how big a bad ass I am.

Bret: Have fun enduring that pre-match promo.

Vince: Damn you, Hart!

(ads)

Chrissssss Angel just bought RAW. I loved that show! I hope he brings Amy Acker!

Degen-

(ads)

Degeneration X vs. Double Trouble Crap on a Stick
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

You were doing so good there for a while, show, but then you had to go and do that. I’m not talking about the Big Show, there by the way. He hasn’t really done anything well for a long time. Or anything particularly poorly either. He’s the model of inconsistent consistency. Everybody goes for their finishers about ten seconds in, but then Shawn Michaels gets distracted by the Disembodied Disemvoiced Face of The Undertaker floating around the ring, and in keeping with the theme for tonight, I’m pretty sure Shawn was the only one who saw it. CM Punk would be super disappointed at all of you. Miz wins with a roll-up (I’m pretty sure That’s His Move!). Hunter goes over to frown at Shawn for a while, but he gets taken out with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) from Sheamus. Man, what ever happened to that guy!

Next Week: Sheamus is not heard from or mentioned. Bret Hart returns to Moria to train for his match. Fly you fool! WOO! Wait, was that some kind of weird subtextual reference to WCW? I don’t think I’m clever enough for that. Also, Batista ACTING!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
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RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
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RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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