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RAW SATIRE    
The Tista is SAD~!

March 11, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Rob Van Dam was the best owner to ever sell the show and then sign with TNA the next day. Shawn Michaels basically retired over the course of two hours. And “Dave” Batista “Davidson’ verbally faced the hell out of John Cena maybe he’ll cut another promo…TONIGHT?

 
(Opening Credits)
 
While The Undertaker is here and making his entrance, an entire episode of iMPACT! aired. And was somehow less interesting than watching an old zombie shuffle to the ring.
 


The Undertaker: C’mon guys, which would you rather watch? Two old guys pretending to know how to wrestle along with a fat guy in a mask and Evan Bourne? Or me? Honestly, I can’t believe that’s even a thing. I’d rather be watching NXT, to be honest with you. And I’d never watch NXT.

Shawn Michaels: Oh thank God! Can you beat me right now so I can go home and sleep? Honestly, I never thought the day would come, but I finally found somebody who will be able to retire me at Wrestlemania!

Taker: Shawn, you were right last week, I’ll probably collapse on my way down to the ring

Shawn: No! Don’t say that!

Taker: Nothing lasts forever, Shawn. My streak has to end sometime.

Shawn: Oh, that’s great, thanks, dad. Aren’t you supposed to come out here and say things like, “I’m going to tear your soul through your nasal cavities and unleash the furies of hell so destructive that you’ll wish I’d finished the job when I broke your back all those years ago?”

Taker: Do I really sound like that? Geez. No wonder nobody wants to talk to me anymore.

Shawn: Are you going to beat me or not?!

Taker: Ehhhh…We’ll play it by ear.

Shawn: I hate you!

(ads)

Alicia Fox, Katie Lea Burchill and Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres and Gail Kim

Oh, well, at least we’re getting them all out of the way right away. Kinda makes me miss Maria though. Now there was a wrestler. Nice to see Katie Lea carrying on after her brother was kidnapped by pirates or whatever. You know who I’m going to miss the most? Scott Armstrong. Maurice call of the night by Michael Cole. They should make one of the NXT guys “Maurice” and team him up with Maryse so that Cole can at least pretend to be right once in a while. I’m going to go ahead and suggest Bryan Danielson. Eve wins with…I think she was holding Maryse’s hand. EW COOTIES! Eve’s going to be the worst Diva’s Champion. And that’s…quite an accomplishment.

Backstage….

Hornswoggle: Finally, somebody who is lamer than me.

Chrisssssssss Angel: Heh. I haven’t been in WWE since that time I went to WWE: The Restaurant in Time’s Square and hung over the diners suspended on fish hooks. And then that place closed down! I wonder what happened!

Hornswoggle: Gee. I wonder.

Angel: So, little man. Do you want to see a magic trick? And by “a magic trick” I mean “my penis?”

Bella Twins: That’s disturbing, Chrisssssssssssss.

Angel: DEVILRY! Hot…creepy devilry! Hornman! Defend me from these creatures!

Jillian Hall: I’ll defend you!

Angel: Um…noooo thanks. I’m going to go practice my witchcraft somewhere. Does Papa Shango still work here?

Hall: Who?

Angel: No, not Jim Neidhart!

Bret Hart: Thank God for that, right?

Elsewhere, a tall guy and a small guy are walking around.

(ads)

Double Trouble Crap on a Stick vs. John Morrison and R-Truth

Non-Title, by the way, lest you think they’d give away one of Wrestlemania’s main events on free TV a month before the show. So this is how they decide to finally pay off the long simmering Miz/Morrison feud, huh? With R-Truth. Better than Orlando Jordan, I guess. Miz calls R-Truth and Morrison on how terrrrrrible their tag team is, which is awesome. Then, of course, Morrison and Truth kick Show and Miz in the balls and run off while Morrison bitches about how everybody’s going to take a pee break during his match. Don’t worry, bro, they’ll be done by the end of your entrance.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you, what does it feel like to get out-promo’d by Thetista?

John Cena: It’s the greatest shame of my life.

Mathews: So what are you going to do about it?

Cena: Do…do you want to hug it out?

Mathews: Yes. Yes I do.

So they hug it out. Elsewhere….

Evan Bourne: So what are you doing here anyway, Bret?

Bret Hart: Chrissssss was in my topless genie troupe back in the day. Isn’t that right Chrissssss?

Chrisssssssss Angel: Yeah, Bret here was my mentor. Nobody rocks the topless genie look like Brett Favre.

Hart: Hart. Bret Hart.

Angel: Sure. Whatever he said.

Skip Sheffield: Hooooooo Doggies! Where’s Jewel and Ty Murray? I heard they owned RAW!

William Regal: Skip, I’ve tried telling you, they sold it weeks ago. Nobody wants to own this show?

Skip: Aw shucks. Where’s Jimmy Wang Yang then?

Bourne: Probably fired.

Angel: So who wants to see a magic trick?

Regal: Your penis? No. Not really.

Angel: Anybody want this old “Strawberry Wine” CD?

Sheffield: What’s a CD?

The Lem-

(ads)

The Lemony vs. Randy Orton
In a Handicap Match

This isn’t fair because they’re all handicapped. Oh, before the commercial, Randy attacked Cody and Ted, but they look fine now, so…thanks for that, guys. You know what this match needs? Tough Enough Jessie running somebody over with her car. How come she’s not in NXT? She can be mentoring G-Rilla or something. I’m just looking down the FCW roster right now, and there’s some real winners in there. And, for some reason 800 wrestler kids and Rosa Mendes. Hey, look! Abraham Washington! Gosh, I would pretty much never watch that show.

(ads)

Look, I don’t know what to tell you. Do you want me to go back and recap three pages of CHINLOCK~!s? Because I can. But I probably won’t. I still can’t believe that Orton is the face in this feud. Haven’t we learned anything? Ted starts to fall over, but Cody catches him and they roll Orton up for the win. After the match, they continue the beat down after the match until they’re both doing the “Release the Doves” pose, which is awesome but not as awesome as it would be if they were both the faces. What this match really needs is more G-Rilla.

Backstage….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: How could Rob abandon ME?

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: I don’t know. So hey, how about that John Cena thing? You gonna beat him up tonight?

Batista: I am too DISTRAUGHT!

Mathews: That’s an awfully big word.

Batista: Now there will never be a Wrong Side of Town TWO!

Mathews: Um…Yeah. That’s why.

Elsewhere, Triple H is really pissed that he’s feuding with Sheamus.

(ads)

Now he’s in the ring. The magic of television!

Triple H: Sheamus? Really, guys? Is that the best we could do? What was Yoshi Tatsu busy or something that I had to feud with Sheamus?

Sheamus: Come on, man. I’m standing right here.

HHH: Ok, whitey, chew on this: Everybody who I’ve ever beaten at Wrestleamania has become a footnote to history.

Sheamus: Ok, I’ll spot you Goldust and Owen Hart. But The Rock? Big Show and Mick Foley? WWE World Champion Chris Jericho? Orton? Even if I grant you Booker T, you’re still only batting 3 for 8.

HHH: Well…you have to make your mark at your first Wrestlemania, and you’re going to be jobbing to me. That doesn’t help your career any.

Sheamus: Like when you lost to The Ultimate Warrior in ten seconds?

HHH: Oh that’s it!

Hunter and Sheamus start to brawl. Sheamus tries the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) but it misses. Finally, HHH gently sets him down on the mat, and both guys just agree to disagree.

Backstage….

Chrisssssssss Angel: I really need to get out of this place. You guys are even more stupid and boring than me!

Santino Marella: You can’t-a go! I never-a got to-a see your-a magic trick-a!

Angel: Ugh. Not for you. But I shouldn’t leave until I’ve increased my reputation as the world’s worst lady killer. Which of you Divas wants to ride the Angel train?

Everybody looks at Kelly Kelly Kelly.

Kelly Kelly Kelly: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Kelly: Just kidding, guys. I was totally looking at me too. Let’s go.

Angel: Hey, baldy, you want this show? Free. Here you go.

Austin: No…I…aw crap.

Venis: So…Can I get my old job back, you think?

Austin: No.

(ads)

Evan Bourne vs. William Regal (w/ Skip Sheffield)
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

Chris Tian and Heath Slater are on commentary. Christian Slater, get it?! Hilarious. Evan’s probably a better wrestler on TNA, but he’s got nicer hair in WWE. I still have literally no idea who Skip Sheffield is or why he’s out here tonight. Where’s MVP? So far, Heath Slater has added the following on commentary, “Hmm…uh?” Still better than Michael Cole. Evan hits that spinning thing (That’s His Move!) for the win. Christian seems relieved that he’s probably not going to have to do any big spots in this year’s match.

(ads)

Vinc-

(ads)

Vince McMahon vs. John Cena
In a Gauntlet Match

As his last act as owner of RAW, Chrisssssssss Angel does the introductions and kind of makes me miss the heady days of Lillian Garcia. So it’s Cena that’s facing the gauntlet, right? Ok. It would be kind of hilarious if it was the other way around though. Vladamir Koslov is first, and he frowns at Cena and then leaves. Now it’s Drew McIntyre and he drinks some tea. Here’s Jack Swagger who twists his ankle on his way to the ring, leaving Vince by himself. Vince isn’t too happy, because he’s not finished with his tea yet.

(ads)

To his credit, Swagger is still limping around out there, but then he kind of jumps up and down, twists his ankle again and limps off. Mark Henry is out now. Oh my God. Did he turn heel again when I wasn’t looking? Oh for Pete’s sake. I can’t keep up with this anymore. I’ll just go ahead and put him into the “Other” pile with Big Show and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Maybe Jack will be the next one to take on Cena! Henry’s great about this whole mess until Vince actually asks him to do a move, and Henry bails. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is out, and he doesn’t appreciate Henry remembering that he’s a face, and Thetista kicks him in the face. Kofi Johnston is out. And…I have no clue now. Oh, wait. He’s out to attack Batista. Huh? OSPREY BOMB TO KOFI~! OSPREY BOMB TO CENA~! Vince wins! I think! I’m having a hard time following this!

Next Week: WWE counter programs TNA with an hour of Daniel Bryan playing table tennis. Against himself. Stone Cold Steve Austin drinks to forget that he owns Monday Night RAW now. And Sheamus. Oh, Lord there will be some Sheamus going on.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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