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What's a Girl Gotta do to Get Retired Around Here?

March 18, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: John Cena wrestled in the best match Vince McMahon has had in about 150 years. The Undertaker is still making his entrance. And Chrissssssssss Angel gave RAW away, to who? Let’s find out…TONIGHT!
(Opening Credits)
Why, it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin, of course! You would know that if you’d read the Satire last week, you jerk. 
Stone Cold Steve Austin: If you remember ol’ Stone Cold, give me a Hell Yeah!
Crowd: Look, it’s Val Venis!

Austin: Somebody give me a beer, it’s going to be a long night. Anyway, I wrestled against Bret Hart once and I basically passed out. But in my defense, that was pre-Mines of Moria and pre-Genie pants. So he was actually pretty ok, back then. And I’ve wrestled Vince plenty of times. Though “wrestled” is probably too generous a term for what we did. “Punched and threw chairs at each other for twenty minutes” takes too long to say. But…I just did anyway. I hate this show. And that’s the Bottom Line because Stone Cold Said So!

John Cena vs. The Big Show

You can tell, Austin wants to beat the hell out of Cena, but he just doesn’t have it in him any more. So he just kind of rolls his eyes and wanders out of the ring. It’s kind of sad to see Steve like this, to be honest. He and Show trade looks like, “I knooooow” as Austin leaves. This is a Wrestlemania Rewind. Do you remember when they fought at that one Wrestlemania, and Cena won? No? Well…whatever. I was kind of hoping they’d bring the cardboard cutouts of Fabolous and Jay-Z back tonight.


I can’t be the only one that remembers that, right? With the amazing commentary from Coach and Lita? I miss John Cena. What ever happen to that guy? Big Show is taking a relaxing snooze on top of Cena’s back when we return. That’s sweet. Cena starts to get in some offense, but is ultimately shut down by the music of “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” Come on, John, you’ve heard music before. Dave is actually out now, and he’s still pretty upset. Don’t worry, maybe you can film Wrong Side of Town 2 with Hollywood star and WWE Hall of Famer Ted DiBiase! Cena hasn’t been paying attention for the past half hour or whatever, so Big Show just punches him for the win. Illegal! Illegal!


Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

Shouldn’t this match be happening on the other channel? Oh well. Sheamus grabs a microphone and beans Evan in the head with it. You know, I don’t remember this match from a Wrestlemania past. Maybe it happened on Internet Heat. Does that count? Sheamus rambles for a little bit about how much he hates the fact that he’s jobbing to Triple H at Wrestlemania. But, as he says, “It’s better than being off the show like half the people on this roster.” Good point. I’d job to Hunter for half of what Sheamus is going to make!


Stone Cold Steve Austin: Why do I have an office? That’s not very anti-authority of me.

Shawn Michaels: Steve! Can you retire me again? Come on, it’ll be just like old times! Then I won’t even have to fight The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. It’s a win win situation. What do you say?

Austin: Well…what’s in it for me?

Shawn: You can have this nice gold watch I got for retiring Ric Flair for a couple years.

Austin: The last watch I had talked to me. In Spanish. And that day I vowed never to own another watch again. So no.

Shawn: A pair of mirror chaps?

Austin: I prefer to ride chapsless.

Shawn: That’s honestly kind of gross.

Chris Jericho: Hey guys, what’s going on? Backstage segment? Cool, cool.

Shawn: Can you get it through your thick skull which damn show you’re supposed to be on?!

Jericho: Shawn, you and I are wrestling each other tonight. Didn’t you see the posting on WWE.com?

Shawn: You know I don’t read the Internets! Ugh. I’ve got to go find somewhere dark to cry. If you see Undertaker, tell him to come find me and break my legs or something.

Tough Enough Jessie: I can do that for you!

Austin: Tough Enough Jessie?! You little scamp! You still backstage producing around here?

T.E. Jessie: No! I got fired! Like twelve times! Thanks for reminding me! WAAAAAH!

Austin: Heh. That girl hasn’t changed.

Jericho: So…want to drink a beer and talk about cows?

Austin: Get the hell out of my office before I cave your face in with…my face.

Jericho: Ok. Good talk!


Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse

Which Wrestlemania was this at? 12? I hated that one. I don’t think this is for the WWE Diva’s Title, but Justin Roberts isn’t really helping me out much in that regard. Maurice call! Vintage Michael Cole! Between that and his calling of NXT it’s no wonder so many people in that locker room want to punch him in the face. Maurice hits Kelly with a DDT for the win. After the match, Gail Kim and Eve Torres come out to check on Kelly to see if either of them could supplant her as prettiest girl now that Maria is gone. Here’s Michelle McCool and Layla El to attack them though. Wait…what?! You know what? It’s a girls match, I’m not going to expend much time thinking about why the hell they’re out here. Then, for some reason, Vickie Guerrero shows up. Um…You know what? Sure. Why not?




Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

I hope this match is worth that extra ad break, show. I really do. Shawn is a house afire to start. I almost just wrote a “horse afire” which he might be as well. Whatever. It’s better than being a hoss afire. Or, God forbid, a Haas afire. It doesn’t take long for Jericho to take over though, and Shawn really shows Undertaker what he’s made of by rolling up into a ball in the corner and letting Jericho slap him. Really, it’s a brilliant plan because there’s no way Undertaker is going to lose to this guy. Jericho’s all tuckered out by the six minute mark and bails on the rest of the match, however. Michaels wins! He’s beside himself with grief! What if that happens at Wrestlemania?! Edge with a Spear out of nowhere for Jericho, because this is Smackdown, apparently.

Edge: Can a girl get a salad here?


Hey, Austin’s in a new movie called “Damage!” Maybe Thetista can get in on some of that! Especially since literally nobody else is in that movie!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask, what do you think my chances are for getting on the face Divas team for Wrestlemania?

Randy Orton: Diggers, Jacque? All I want to talks about is Triopoly H and my intending feud with the Lemony.

Mathews: Ok, then answer me this, how are you going to justify beating the crap out of two younger guys and probably ruining the careers of WWE Hall of Famer Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes. Not that you should feel bad about ruining the career of Cody Rhodes.

Orton: Well, I am Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the NXT Girl’s Chocolatechip.

Mathews: Never mind, I need to go find Kelly Kelly Kelly.

Elsewhere, Hunter is wandering around. Maybe he’s looking for a decent Wrestlemania match!


Triple vs. Randy Orton

Remember when Orton beat up Stephanie and Hunter went crazy and throw Orton’s TV out the window and menaced his fake wife? Apparently neither of these two guys do, which is really too bad. Because that feud was hilarious. They do apparently remember the million other times they’ve feuded before, however, because this match is kind of exactly like the billion other ones they’ve had. If they were going to do a Wrestlemania rewind, they really should’ve brought Warrior in for this. Maybe they could’ve had Sable come back too! Heh. No. Sorry, what was I talking about again? This match? Ugh.


Hunter has the CHINLOCK~! on Orton now. SHOCKING SWERVE~! Actually, Randy hasn’t locked one in all match. I’m either impressed by the range of his skills thus far, or depressed because that’s the one move that he actually does well. Orton’s getting boos now, because the crowd looooooooves Triple H. And because they realize that Orton is a terrible face. And because he hasn’t done a CHINLOCK~! all match. Hunter goes for the PEDIGREE TO ORTON (ok, I’ve missed that), but The Lemony punch him off. This is the most confusing feud ever. EVER! Then they start beating the crap out of Orton. Ok. Whatever. Sheamus in with the Bicycle Kick (the Finisher of Champions!) to Hunter! Remember Sheamus? No? Him neither.

Backstage, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is enjoying a nice relaxing coloring book.


New in the WWE Hall of Fame? Gorgeous George. Randy Savage’s ex-girlfriend? Really? What did she do to deserve that? She wasn’t even Miss Madness! Between her, Ted DiBiase, and Magnum Tokyo, this is the worst Hall of Fame class yet.

Kofi Johnston vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Ok, now I know this match never happened at Wrestlemania. Kofi’s just some jobber. Dave would never stand for wrestling some jobber at Wrestlemania. He did wrestle some guy named Dwayne one time though. What kind of name is that? Kofi is Shelton to start, which is not exactly helping his case. What is helping his case? The fact that one of his kicks smacks Dave in the side of the head and draws blood. This is TV-PG, Kofi! You rebel, you! Dave is the TV-PG Enforcer, so he’s really pissed about it. OSPREY BOMB TO KOFI~! Thetista wins! He celebrates by punching some dude in the audience.


It’s everybody’s favorite time! Contract signing!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Oh man, you guys, I haven’t been on this show at all tonight! To be honest, I accidentally locked myself out of my office, so I’ve just been sitting in a dark corner with Shawn Michaels and drinking. In fact, I accidentally sold RAW to Pete Rose for a case of Bud Light. I would say that I was really depressed about that but…it was a pretty good deal if you think about it.

Vince McMahon: Can we sign this thing so I can get home? I’ve got to figure out which NXT guy I’m going to fire first.

Austin: First, will you reconsider letting Stu Hart into the Hall of Fame? Otherwise this year’s class is going to be pretty friggin’ terrible.

Vince: Whatever. I don’t care. Stu Hart’s in the Hall of Fame, sure. Pete Rose is in the Hall of Fame. It’s not like it’s some exclusive club or whatever. Now just sign the damn contract and let me get out of here?

Bret Hart: What’s the rush? We haven’t even gotten to the witty banter portion of the contract signing yet! Vince you are ugly and have bad hair!

Vince: I just want to get out of here before I get Stunnered and have a beer poured on my hair. I have a hot date tonight!

Austin: Am I that predictable?

Vince: Yes.

Hart: Yeah, pretty much. So, what are you thinking? Some random person broke my leg and I’m super totally injured. Like I can’t move.

Austin: Tough Enough Jessie broke your leg? That’s kind of awesome!

Vince: I don’t know who that is.

Tough Enough Jessie: I was your hot date tonight! I’m going to break all your legs! WAAAAAAH!

Bret: No Holds Barred?

Vince: Ugh. Don’t remind me. That was a horrible movie.

Bret: I meant the match.

Vince: That was a horrible match too! Zeus wasn’t even a real fake wrestler!


Vince: Oh. Sure.

Both guys sign the contract.

Austin: And that’s signing on the bottom line ‘cuz Stone Cold Said So! Now I’m going to take my ass home. Hell Yeah!

Vince: I’m going to regret every single moment of this feud aren’t I?

Bret: Hey, guess what? I’m pretty much insane, and I was never hurt at all. This cast just goes well with my horrible leather jacket! So, I guess I’m going to be able to slowly beat you down without hindrance!

T.E. Jessie: I can’t even ruin Bret Hart correctly! WAAAAAAH!

Vince: But…I…I don’t understand a single moment of any of this.

Then Bret throws the table at Vince. Not bad for a stroke victim, I have to say. Or for a topless genie!

Next Week: Pete Rose tempts fate by having his office in the boiler room. Shawn Michaels begs Kofi Johnson to kick him in the head until his career ends. And Bret Hart accidentally breaks his other leg.


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RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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