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RAW SATIRE    
Those M&Ms are for STARS, Mr. Otunga

April 8, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:Did you know there was a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine? Me neither! Also, the fall-out from Wrestlemania continued as Jack Swagger threatened to build an Elimination Chamber out of Legos and sit in it for an entire year. And also Shawn Michaels died or something. But maybe we’ll still see him…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

 
I think that’d be pretty great, actually. If he just came out on RAW and had a match like nothing ever happened. Anyway, here is Jack Swagger, who traded in his Legos for a WWE Title Shot, and ended up beating Chris Jericho. Something which Jericho was shockingly happy about on his Twitter. Maybe he gets to keep the Legos? That’s what he’s going to use to build the stage for Fozzy’s next concert, no doubt. Wakka Wakka! But I digress. Mr. Swagger?
 

Jack Swagger:Yes, that’s right, I traded my entire Lego collection for this WWE World Heavyweight Title, and while it may seem like a bad deal on the surface, I can assure you that I am happy. Partly, because I’ve been in the market for a new belt, because I’ve learned my lesson from the “Pants on the Ground” song from several months ago, and also because I’ve been told that there is “almost no way I will lose the title by someone opening a box with the belt in it.” So, with that in mind, I would like to read my State of the Championship Address.

Swagger pulls out a notebook. Swanky!

Swagger:

Milk
Eggs
Pudding
More Pudding
Cheese (singles)
Cheese (wheel)

John Cena:Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOOOO!

You want to go to Smackdown?
RAW got a good deal!
Because watching Jack Swagger,
Is like watching a cheese wheel!

You’re an American American,
But I’m the king of the streets,
Ok, I made that part up,
But you’re gonna get beat!

Because I’m John Cena,
I’ve got nobody to fear,
I’ll no-sell all your moves,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Swagger:Yes. Well.

Randy Orton:Let me get this stripe, Jerk Waggler is SHIMMER Girl’s Chimpion, but I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster is not?

The Big Show:I have no earthly idea why we’re out here, but here we are.

The Miz:I just like seeing lots of gold belts all in one place! Oooh! Shiny!

David Otunga:Hi! I’m David Otunga.

Cena:Who?

Otunga:No, not Jim Neidhart! Come on, I’m on NXT!

Swagger:Is that some kind of drug? Isn’t there a Wellness Policy?

Otunga:Nooo…NXT the show! Miz? You’re on NXT! Explain it to these guys!

Miz:Hey, man! I’ve been off NXT since high school! I don’t do that stuff anymore!

Otunga:I know Barack Obama!

Show:Is that the only criteria for owning RAW these days? Ugh. One of these days my third cousin is going to be running this place. I hate you, Frank!

Otunga:Sigh…I’m married to Jennifer Hudson!

Orton:From Dreamgobbles?! Is she here?!

Otunga:No….

Crowd:Boo!

Swagger is so upset by this news that he falls over. Orton wins!

Orton:Yay!

Unfortunately, it was non-title.

Orton:Boo!

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. Sheamus

I’ve seen Dreamgobbles, and it’s not as interesting as it sounds. Also, I’d like to challenge David Otunga for the “Mr. NXT” crown. I’m pretty sure nobody personifies the spirit of NXT more than a 28 year-old man sitting in front of a computer angrily writing about wrestling shows that never happened. I am wild and young! You know who else is wild and young? Sheamus and Kofi! Ok, that was a really terrible transition, and I’m sorry. But this match is just as bad. Sheamus ends it out of nowhere with the Bicycle Kick (the Finisher of Champions!). Sheamus gets out a pipe and nails Kofi in the face. Triple H is wandering around backstage to make the save, only not really, because he stops for dinner halfway down to the ring.

(ads)

Hey, this is still going on!

Sheamus:Are you done?

Triple H:Hold on, this spaghetti is delicious.

Sheamus:Oh for…well…at least I didn’t have to be on NXT. Just think. Another couple weeks, and I would be fighting it out with Skip Sheffield to be the one who ultimately jobs to Daniel Bryan.

Michael Cole:NEVER!

Sheamus:So what’s it going to be, Triple H? Continue the feud with the one guy on this show who will still work matches with you? Or go flip burgers with Shawn Michaels while I continue to squash random dudes every other week without any direction?

HHH:Which option would get me away from Stephanie?

Sheamus:Feuding with me probably?

Hunter pulls a sledgehammer out of his spaghetti and chases Sheamus around the ring with it.

HHH:I’m really going to regret this. I can tell already.

(ads)

Rosa Mendes vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox vs. Jillian Hall vs. Katie Lea Burchill vs. Nikki Bella Twin vs. Brie Bella Twin vs. Gail Kim
In a “Red Carpet Battle Royal”

Maryse is on commentary, prompting an immediate “Maurice” call from Michael Cole. Mayrse wastes no time saying how happy she is that she is not in this match. Well. Me too, actually. What in the hell is a Red Carpet Battle Royal anyway? I’m not sure I understand the logistics of it. All the girls seem confused too, because they all jump out of the ring and start strutting around. Except Eve, who still has no clue what’s going on. Eve wins! Maryse is completely baffled by this, and shrugs about the fact that she’s more attractive and a better wrestler than any of these people. Me too!

(ads)

Backstage, Otunga is in his office with some random dudes. Are they bad enough to save Dave’s best friend The President?

David Otunga:Guys, I really shouldn’t have to trade in on my wife’s success to get over, you know? I’m an A-Lister!

Random Dude:Who…who are you again?

Otunga:Oh come on, man!

Santino Marella:Look-a everybody! It’s-a Mr. Ortega-a! I love-a your taco shells-a!

Otunga:Go away, Santino.

Santino:I’m-a contractually obligated-a to make-a this appearance-a! Besides-a what more-a random dude-a could you-a find?

Otunga:You’re probably right. Oh well. It’s better than hanging out with Justin Gabriel. I’m going to get me some green M&Ms.

Hornswoggle:Doubtful. I went ahead and took them because I’m a bigger star than you.

Otunga:What?! I own RAW! I won it in a raffle! I’m a Hollywood A-Lister! How are you a bigger star?!

Hornswoggle:I was in DX!

Otunga:So was Billy Gunn!

Hornswoggle:Touche, I guess. But you’re too late. I already dumped the bowl down my pants. It feels magical!

Otunga chases him around the room, but ends up getting his head stuck in Horny’s mouse hole.

Chavo Guerrero:This is not a path you want to go down. Trust me.

(ads)

John Cena and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. ShowMiz
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Well, I guess the Hart Foundation had their shot. Thetista and Cena would easily be the best champions since ShowMiz. Cena goes for the FU basically coming out, because that would be hilarious. Why hasn’t Jericho asked for a tag title shot yet? He could ask Edge to be his partner! Or Brian Kendrick! That guy doesn’t have anything going on right now. Cena goes to make the tag, but Dave’s halfway up the ramp. I think he’s genuinely upset that he didn’t get to play with any Legos. Cena runs up the ramp to stop him, but he ends up getting counted out while he’s trying to argue with Dave. You can’t argue with Thetista, John. You should know that!

David Otunga:Ok, even I have to admit that was pretty terrible. I’m sorry. What if I booked myself in the main event of RAW? With John Cena against Showmiz!

John Cena:That sounds even worse!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:I want LEGOS!

(ads)

Ted DiBiase vs. Chris Tian

Ted has the Million Dollar Belt, and says that it’s the only good thing his father’s ever given to him. Virgil is his real father?! Man, I didn’t see that coming. Actually, I kind of did. Are they really going to bring back the Million Dollar Belt? Because if the answer is “Yes,” I bet Jack Swagger is kicking himself for not waiting another week. At least the NXT guys have something to shoot for now, though. DiBiase hits his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. You can see that Christian thinks, for a brief second, about going back to TNA, but immediately realizes that that would be a terrible idea.

(ads)

Backstage, Randy Orton is transfixed by the concept of a “Red Carpet Battle Royal.” What does it mean?!

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton

I’m a little shocked, but kind of proud that, until this moment, I’ve avoided making a Ke$ha joke in regards to Jack Swagger. But really, if they’re going to run with him being this hilariously awful champion, they need to give him new theme music, and I think that would work. Bret Hart even sort of looks like Mick Jagger now. We can make this work. Or maybe not. I actually don’t really care, considering Swags is probably going over to Smackdown after this, and I can pretend that he doesn’t exist any more. Just like Randy Orton is doing right now while he takes a nap.

(ads)

CHINLOCK~! by Orton. It’s really nice to see that he’s sticking with what brought him to the dance, even if he is, inexplicably, a face now. I just remembered that Swagger is probably going to be on the draft show, so I won’t be able to avoid him for too long. I hope RAW gets Tony Chimmel and Trent Barretta in the draft. I have a stockpile of unused Trent Barretta jokes to get through. Do any of you even know what I’m talking about? Ugh. Swagger comes up with a really good Caylen Croft joke, but trips and falls over. Orton wins! Good to see the new champion acclimating so well!

(ads)

Apparently, The Hoff just purchased RAW for 148 Green M&Ms. Know your role.

John Cena and David Otunga vs. ShowMiz
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Otunga doesn’t seem very broken up about losing his place on a main show, but let’s face it, 148 M&Ms from The Hoff is a pretty sweet deal. I’m guessing he probably gets a bottle of whatever Liquor he’s not drinking and a ride in Kitt too. Michael Cole won’t shut up about how glad he is that “That Nerd Daniel Bryan” isn’t hosting. Yeah, dude can grow a quality neck beard when he wants to. So Cena wrestles the entire match again, but is shocked, SHOCKED when Otunga does the same thing as Thetista and bails out on him. I’m actually a little shocked too. Wouldn’t winning the tag titles be your shot off NXT genius? You deserve to lose to Darren Young.

David Otunga:And now, a special message from “Dave’ Batista “Davidson.”

“Dave’ Batista “Davidson”: I want to play LEGOS!

Otunga:So you’re not going to use this time to challenge Cena to a return match at Extreme Rules?

Batista:I will use this time to talk about LEGOS! I wanted to build a HOUSE!

Then Dave kicks Cena in the face. Would he settle for a set of Duplos?

Next Week:David Hasselhoff visits Shawn Michaels for a surprise burger inspection! Plus, Triple H is haunted by his decision to feud with Sheamus, when he realizes that, at some point, he’s probably going to have to sell for Sheamus. And also, a confused David Otunga brings Batista a plate full of circular waffles.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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