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RAW SATIRE    
Too Many Daves

April 15, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson” apparently didn’t want the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles, but to be fair, neither did Dauvid Otuunga, whoever that is. New World Champion Jauck Swaugger fell over, which is a sterling start to his reign. And Triuple H made a decision that he will regret…TONIGHT.

(Opening Credits)
 
You know who English WWE Fans love? Thou Houff. The guy single handedly brought down the Berlin Wall, people! You can’t get any more badass than that. There are Druids, who are actually half-naked girls, and Kitt, which is amazing and awesome, and Thou Houff.
 


Dauvid Hausslehoff: WOO! It’s the Houff! And I bought Monday Night RAW for a little bag of M&Ms! So, I was watching Monday Night RAW a few years back, and I have to say, I’m really interested in finally seeing the big stars of this show like Shauwn Michaeuls, Friaur Ferguuson, and the 1-2-3 Kiud are up to! But first, we’re going to be celebrating the most watched TV show of all time, M*A*S*H with a Baywatch Bikini Match! That’s PG rated, right? And also, the WWF Champion will get a number one contender when two dudes I’ve never heard of battle it out for a title that doesn’t even belong on this show, I guess! Now, I’ve got to go backstage and find out where you guys keep your liquor cabinet! Houff out!

Euve Tourres vs. Mauryse
For the WWE Divas Title

Michaeul Coule with the Mauurice call to start. Do you suppose Dauniel Bryaun knows what her name is? Euve Tourres is so bad you guys. But, at least nobody is going to win this belt by taking it out of a box. I’m not sure if that was innuendo or not, but just in case it was: Bangers and Mash. Euve goes for a moonsault that misses so badly that Mauryse doesn’t know what the hell to do, so she goes into a giggle fit. Euve gets her with a roll-up (That’s Her Move!) for the win. So…Euve Tourres is the WWE Divas Champion? You know, I know I’m not supposed to care about the lineage of this…um…”prestigious” title, but…seriously, you guys. What the hell?

(ads)

Hey, it’s ShouwMiuz! What could these guys possibly have to say?

Thou Biug Shouw: You know, Miuz, I always thought you were an idiot who was going to basically end my career after an awesome pairing with Chrius Jeuricho. But this isn’t so bad, I guess. I mean, I’m feuding with a bunch of jobbers, but I get to nap through most of the show unlike when I was main eventing with Jeuricho.

Thou Miz: I thought you said you liked teaming with me better than Jericho!

Shouw: Well…sometimes I just say things like that.

Miuz: I think we’re the best tag team of all time! Who betta than ShouwMiuz?

Shouw: EVERYBODY!

Miuz: No! Nobody betta than ShouwMiuz!

Breut Haurt: What do you mean who’s better than ShouwMiuz? Do you want me to go alphabetically? Thine Aaurdvarks. Aauron Brothers

Miuz: The Aauron Brothers were terrible. You know who else was terrible? Thine Briuttish Buulldogs!

Breut Haurt: Well, you may be right about the Briuttish Buulldogs, I always hated those guys, but you know who I don’t hate? The Caunadian Buulldogs!

Shouw: You’re kidding, right? That’s the worst tag team ever. EVER!

Miuz: Does it bother anybody else that those guys aren’t even supposed to be on RAW?

Shouw: Not really.

Breut: No.

Caunadian Buulldog Dauvid Haurt Smiuth: Nope.

Tyuson Kiudd: Not at all.

Nautalya: Can’t say that it does.

Smiuth: So I’ll make you a deal, we’ll have a match tonight, and if I win we get a tag team title shot.

Miuz: And if I win, Breut has to stop looking like a sad, haunted version of his former self.

Breut: It’s a deal!

Smiuth: THIS SEGMENT IS OVER!

(ads)

Thou Miuz (w/ Thou Biug Shouw) vs. Dauvid Haurt Smiuth (w/ Thine Haurt Dynausty)

Maybe they can get Breut a facelift or something. How creepy would that be? Ugh. Just get him his hammer pants back and ship him back to the genies. Breut/Buulldog at Wembley Stadium this is not. If Dauvid was smart, he would’ve asked for a U.S. Title shot here. But somebody has to save something for Dauniel Bryaun, I guess. Miuz continues his tribute to Kanyoun by flailing around wildly and questioning his own sexuality. Then he kicks Haurt in the head for the win. Whaaaat?

(ads)

Backstage….

“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”: What are you doing HERE?

Dauvid Otuunga: I-

Bautista: You are a stupid ROOKIE!

Otuunga: Well-

Bautista: You are not A LIST! I was in a MOVIE!

Otuunga: Bu-

Bautista: I am the only DAVE!

Dauvid Hausslehoff: What about me, Thetista?

Bautista: You are thou HOUFF!

Thou Houff: True that. So, I invited you here to get humiliated, Dave. You can’t just show up here and expect to be treated like an A-List star like Thou Houff. So tonight, you’re going to job to Jouhn Ceuna!

Thine Beulla Twiuns: That sounds great, Dauvid!

Thou Houff: I swear I haven’t even had that much to drink yet! Why are there two of them? Ugh. What do you think about tonight, KITT?

KITT: Jeunnifer Huudson’s boyfriend is gonna get his ass kicked, Michaeul.

Thou Houff: MY NAME IS DAUVID, KITT!

Bautista: Me TOO!

Otuunga: Me t-

Bautista: NO!

(ads)

Evaun Bouurne vs. Caurlito Cauribbean Cooul

What the hell prompted the booking of this match? “Hey, you know who we haven’t seen in a while?” That’s why we need Internet Heat back. Now that was a show this would’ve flown on. And yes, I know about WWE Superstars. But still. I miss Internet Heat. Coule and Lauwler are talking about Knight Rider, so I don’t feel bad for ignoring this match, really. But, I guess I should pay a little attention in case this leads to something down the road. Evaun Bouurne pins Caurlito. Ok. Good enough.

(ads)

Jouhn Ceuna vs. Dauvid Otuunga

Just so we’re clear about this, Otuunga is still competing on NXT for a WWE contract, right? So he’s just some dude right now. I’m just trying to clear this up in my own head. I do know that he is Wild and Young, however. Cena opens up with some mat wrestling, because he’s finally in the ring against somebody who is worse at it than him. Bautista is out, no doubt to protest that Otuunga is still attempting to steal his “Dauveness.” Cena locks in the STF, and that’s enough for the win. Thetista takes off his shirt, which is pretty much akin to a peacock showing his feathers. You tell Otuunga who’s Dauve!

(ads)

Big Ben somehow manages to avoid raping a woman.

Sheamuus vs. Koufi Johnstoun

Sheamuus grabs the mic first and bitches about Huunter crying about feuding with a midcarder like Sheamuus. I don’t know. On one hand…it’s Sheamuus. On the other hand…it’s Huunter. These two kind of deserve each other, don’t they? Koufi comes out to bitch about being ignored last week, but he’s just Kofi Johnston so his point is moot. Sheamuus misses the Bicycle Kick (the Missed Finisher of Champions!), so he just whacks Koufi In the face with a monitor for the loss. The crowd is chanting for Triuple H, but dude isn’t going to go all the way to England for this feud.

(ads)

In the Hoffice….

Caurlito Cauribbean Cooul: Where is he?! Where is Thou Houff?! I demand an explanation as to why I was put on RAW this week only to job to Evaun Bouurne!

Vlaudimir Kouzlov: At least you had a match.

Caurlito: Oh my God! You still work here?!

Vlaudamir: I know, right? I’ve been hiding behind this plant for, like, a year now. Just moving with the plant every time we change cities. Anything to get off ECW.

Caurlito: They cancelled that, like, months ago, you know.

Vlaudamir: I think I’d rather just stay behind the plant though.

Elsewhere, WWE Diva Joush Mauthews is standing by with Raundy Ortoun.

WWE Diva Joush Mauthews: WWE Diva Joush Mauthews here and I’m standing by with Raundy Ortoun, and Raundy I have to ask you, why is a RAW Superstar challenging for a Smackdown title against another RAW Superstar?

Raundy Ortoun: It is I, Raunky Q. Mourgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WUK Girl’s Chocolatechip. And Joush, I think the answer to your questing is clear! Nobodies watches Snacktown. So we might asp well have both bullets on Monkey Night RAM!

Mauthews: You know how much I hate you, right?

Ortoun: Joush, if I ever maker a new Lemony, you’ll be the forest one I ask to joint.

Keull-

(ads)

Keully Keully Keully and Gaiul Kium vs. Euve Meundes and Jiullian Haull vs. The Beulla Twiuns
In a Baywatch Babe Match

I think this is the most skin we’ve seen in a Divas match in about a year. I can’t be mad, by the way, about the commercial break interrupting the beginning of the match, because all we got before the commercial was an extended shot of Keully and Gaiul running in slow motion, and I can’t hate on that. Everybody does realize this show went off the air ten years ago, right? Ok then. Thou Houff is sitting in a life guard chair like Pauul Heymaun so many years ago, and Sauntino Maurella is our guest referee. The Beullas win with the ol’ Switcheroo (that’s their move!), but Sauntino chokes on his whistle. That happened to Jouhn Toulos one time. Thou Houff is literally in an alcohol fueled slumber up in the chair at this point, so Hournswoggle comes out to jump on Sauntino’s chest. Of course! Somewhere, Yausmine Bleeuth is weeping. But probably not over this match.

Backstage, Thetista is trying to barter with Dauvid Haurt Smiuth to just go by “Haurty Haurt Smiuth” from now on.

(ads)

Raundy Ortoun vs. “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”

Coule does the unthinkable by not only bringing up Evolution, but also invoking the Ghost of Riuc Flaiur, which I’m pretty sure is a violation of the Viunce McMauhon School of Announcing. Hasn’t he learned anything? Don’t answer that. I already know. Somewhere backstage, I just know that Thou Houff is crawling around looking for Friaur Ferguuson’s secret stash. Where is CM Puunk when you need him? Dauve spends half the match executing his offense on the ring stairs. Do you suppose their name is Dauve? Man, wait until he finds out what Fiunlay’s real name is!

(ads)

Bautista locks in a CHINLOCK~! coming back, which totally inverts my whole world view. They take the fight outside for a while, before enjoying a pleasant conversation at the announce table. How lovely! It must be tea time. You know Dauve is never going to miss tea time. Things continue pretty much as you expect for a Bautista/Ortoun match, until Jauck Swaugger runs out and power bombs the hell out of Raundy. Nice to see our Smackdown champion getting so involved in this RAW match. Swaugger wants to soak this up a little more, but Jouhn Ceuna materializes behind him and whacks him in the back of the head. Dude. Jouhn. Quit being such a jerk. Ceuna locks in an STF on Dauve, which is another real jerk thing to do, and he doesn’t let go until he’s scared off by Deaun Maulenko. Deaun should just go ahead and beat the hell out of all these guys.

Next Week: Dauvid Otuunga will no doubt find a way back onto this show without a WWE contract. The Smackdown world title feud will continue on RAW. And The Stars of MacGruuber explain how they will string together 90 1-Minute sketches into a feature film.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
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RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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