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RAW SATIRE    
Edge Talks Himself Sleepy

May 7, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Ted DiBiase launched his search for America’s Next Top Virgil. Also, the WWE Draft Party happened, and just about everybody ended up on RAW for some reason. And, despite quitting, like a month ago, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” became the number one contender for the WWE title. Maybe he’ll finally quit…TONIGHT!

 

(Opening Credits)

Speaking of which, here’s the quitter himself! What’s the good word, Dave?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: The good word is the BIBLE! I am quitting to become a successful ACTOR! Before I quit I will win the WWE TITLE! And take it to TNA! And then quit TNA because it is STUPID! Then I will retire in a sea of TEARS!

 

Sheamus: That sounds like pretty much the best possible ending for your career. We all knew it would end in tears.

Batista: You will end in TEARS!

Sheamus: Probably, but at least I did the one thing that you couldn’t do. Forced Triple H to take a vacation!

Batista: That was supposed to be my VACATION!

Sheamus: And that was supposed to be my WWE Title match!

Batista: You look FUNNY!

Sheamus: …Do not.

Batista: Do TOO!

Sheamus: Do not times infinity!

Batista: Do too times infinity plus ONE!

Sheamus: That doesn’t make any sense! Learn math!

Batista: I cannot count to THREE!

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ The Miz)
In a Beat the Clock Challenge Match

 

The point of beating the clock is, apparently being able to pick the stipulations for their match at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents Whatever This PPV Is Called Now. Miz was supposed to be in the match, but even he realized that that would be dumb, so he bailed and put Bryan in there, much to Michael Cole’s chagrin. “I don’t understand his haircut!” opines the legendary wrestling announcer. Jim Ross was never this cranky! For whatever it’s worth the guy without the WWE contract is getting in a whole lot of offense here. No I won’t tell you which one. Eventually, Batista wins. John Cena’s time to beat is, like, an hour or something. Batista does not look happy. OSPREY BOMB TO DANIEL BRYAN~!

(ads)

Backstage….

Eve Torres: Even I can’t believe I’m still the Diva’s Champion. Not that that title means anything. But still….

Wayne Brady: Does Wayne Brady have to book a bitch?!

Eve: Huh?

Brady: HaHA!

Jillian Hall: Who in the world is “Wayne Brady?”

Brady: The most populous man on television right now. You have a TV show? Eventually, I’ll just randomly show up and host it. I just hosted 60 Minutes a few days ago despite the fact that I’m not a 90 year old white man! And now I’ve bought RAW!

Maryse walks in to the room, nails Eve in the face with the Divas Title, and walks off.

Eve: That…didn’t even hurt. What is this thing made of? Cellophane?

Brady: HaHA!

Elsewhere….

Edge: -and that’s when I knew the turkey had stolen my hat.

Tough Enough Jessie: That sounds…improbable.

Edge: Don’t you tell me what’s improbable! Do you want to get fired, lady?!

T.E. Jessie: I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE! WAAAAAAAAH!

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: Don’t mind her. WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Edge, and Edge I have to ask you, why bring back The Cutting Edge?

Edge: Because I wanted to roll my interview segment out before Jericho had a chance to horn in on that market. Man I miss the heady days when getting a crapload of TV time was as simple as showing Lita’s breasts.

Mathews: You and me both, sister.

(ads)

In the ring….

Ted DiBiase: You guys, I’m still looking for the Next Top Virgil! So if you failed at your Glee audition, you can still appear on TV in a humiliating role that will haunt you for the rest of your life!

Ted DiBiase vs. John Morrison

 

Man, I wish I would’ve known about the Glee auditions. They don’t have enough 30 year old white guys who can’t dance or sing on that show. Besides the teacher and half the students, I mean. Michael Cole calls Morrison his “Monday Night Delight.” Really, Cole? That’s what you’re going with in the nickname department? Huh. Morrison does a backflip to celebrate WWE’s stirring victory over TNA (Motto: We’re on TV! No, Seriously!) and DiBiase bails, because he does not want to be associated with anything called a “Monday Night Delight.” Morrison offers to become the next American Virgil if he loses though, which has Ted’s interest piqued.

(ads)

Jerry Lawler, hilariously, suddenly realizes that most of the people watching this show weren’t even born the last time Virgil was around, and launches into a half hour explanation about the man’s entire existence. That is a sad and sobering thought, really. I mean, how could you not know Virgil?! He’s timeless! Anyway, Morrison counters Dream Street into the World’s Most Awkward Pin (That’s His Move!) for the win. After the match, Ted takes umbrage to the word umbrage and lays out Morrison, until he’s distracted by R-Truth dancing across the stage.

(ads)

John Cena vs. Wade Barrett (w/ Chris Jericho)


Jericho basically cops to never wanting to wrestle Cena ever again, which is nice. So again, we get an NXT guy in the ring with one of the people who will be wrestling for the WWE Spinnin’ Title at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE Please Pick a Pay Per View Name from the Following. I have to admit, of all the NXT guys, Barrett is my favorite. He has the look of a guy who’s going to have dozens of stalled pushes in the future, before he’s released, and then brought back like five months later to resume his position in limbo at the top of the mid-card. Cena milks the clock for everything it’s worth before locking in the STF with a couple seconds left for the win. Oh, John.

John Cena: And now-

Sheamus with a Bicycle Kick out of Nowhere! The Finisher of Champions!

(ads)

Maryse vs. Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella)


I kind of want to ask myself why Nikki and not Brie, but then I’d probably end up getting a massive brain hemorrhage and end up in the hospital with Bret Michaels, and nobody wants that. I do sort of wonder why this show hasn’t killed me though. I’m incredibly resilient. I’ll just assume Brie is the bad one. The Bellas try to double team Maryse (Hiyooooo!), but she just turns around and DDTs Nikki for the win. She says something in French (Rough Translation: “I don’t have to cut a promo because none of you understand what I’m saying.”) and then Eve runs out, forgets why she was mad at Maryse, and then runs backstage again.

(ads)

Zack Ryder (w/ Alicia Fox and Gail Kim) vs. Mark Henry


Wayne Brady made this match rather than subject us to Zack’s preferred opponent, Prime Colon. Thanks, Wayne. Except for that last mess, you’re an alright owner by me. Zack, apparently, has no idea who Rosa Mendes is (me either!) so he’s hooked up with both Gail Kim and Alicia Fox. He’s got a Rainbow Coalition thing going on here. I can’t believe I’m spending this much time on Zack friggin’ Ryder of all people. He doesn’t even look like Edge anymore. Woo Woo. Michael Cole calls Zack a “Long Island Iced Z.” Don’t ruin my favorite drink, Michael. And seriously, who the hell gave Michael Cole nicknaming powers this week? Stop it! Henry squishes Ryder for the win.

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: Our NXT guys really sucked it up this week, huh?

The Miz: I’ve come to expect nothing less than the opposite of perfection from beardy.

Jericho: Soo…Um…The Big Show! What’s that guy’s deal?

Miz: I know, right? He’s not so big! Nor is he a show!

Jericho: And he betrayed both of us! We were both his best partners ever, and look what happened to us!

Miz: We’re commiserating in a lame segment backstage instead of actually doing things on the show! The guy competing for the WWE Title this month doesn’t even work here anymore!

Jericho: I have a plan!

Miz: Oh no. Your plans rarely end well, Chris.

Jericho: This plan involves at least ten days of relaxation in Cabo.

Miz: I’m in!

(ads)

In the office….

Vladamir Kozlov: Give me an opponent.

Wayne Brady: I don’t even know who you are! I’m not booking you in a match unless you can give me one halfway decent accomplishment you’ve had in your career.

Kozlov: I…uh….

Santino Marella: Wayne-a Brady! My-a archenemy! Let’s Make-a the Deal!

Brady: Santino! I thought I’d finished you off after that knife fight in Caracas.

Santino: The joke-a is on you-a! That’s not-a even a real-a place!

William Regal: Hey, guys! What’s this segment about? Vampires? Who said anything about vampires? I’m just British! I’m not a vampire! That’s just crazy talk.

Goldust: Just seeing how many random people we can fit into the segment until the camera guys lose interest, huh? I’m-

Elsewhere, The Hart Dynasty is playing Scrabble.

(ads)

William Regal and Vladamir Kozlov vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya)
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles


Have you ever tried playing Scrabble with a Canadian? You need at least fifteen extra Os. It’s kind of ridiculous. Miz and Jericho are out on commentary, and are already trying out team names. Early frontrunner: “Skinny and The Fez.” They don’t address how much they hate each other on Twitter because Cole and Lawler would just get confused. Regal just looks depressed to be back on RAW. Kozlov still looks pretty good for a guy in sixties. Wait, he’s not? Oh. Never mind then. The Harts win this one in pretty short order. Jericho and Miz attack (no!), and while the Harts have some success in the early moments, they’re not as cool as Miz and Jericho (Team Name: The Body Donnas), so they end up eating a Codebreaker and Whatever Miz’ Move Is Called (That’s His Move!).

(ads)

Hey, it’s finally time for the Cutting Edge! If I were him though, I wouldn’t put the idea of Cutting Edge into the WWE brain trust right now. I’m just saying.

Edge: Man, I didn’t miss having to wake up early on Mondays. How’s a guy supposed to sleep off a hangover if he’s got to be up by…what time is it? Like, 9:30? Ugh. Anyway, a lot of you are probably wondering why I Speared Randy Orton last week. But, come on, look at that guy. Really? Are you really wondering why I Speared him? Come on. No you’re not.

Wayne Brady: Edge, Edge! I hate to interrupt, but I have not appeared on this show enough tonight.

Edge: Umm…Fine? Go ahead and plug whatever it is that you want to plug.

Brady: Plug? I’m on every TV show, Edge. What do I just plug television? Hecks no. I just love the attention, so I’m going to stand out here and bask in it. You can finish when I’m done. And I just wanted to say that I have no idea what a McGruber is. And that Bob Barker is old and Timbaland is fat. And hey! Remember when Ben Roethlisberger owned this show? Yeah, well after that he went out and raped somebody. So…Take that for what it’s worth.

Randy Orton: Wade Brandy, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WTO Girl’s Chocolatchip, hated Stupid Lentil 3: Cowl of the Wills. That movie made no spents in the comics of the Stupid Lentil universe!

Wayne Brady is so insulted that he falls over. Orton wins!

Edge: Hey, remember when we were Rated RKO, and we had a glimmer of success against Triple H and Shawn Michaels? That was, like, a couple years ago! Nobody but us would remember it! We could pretend it’s a new thing! And who on this show now would stop us? Cena? He’s only one guy! Sheamus? Yoshi Tatsu? Please! You know, I don’t get it. I have a catchphrase, the immortal “Can a girl get a salad,” and I look amazing. Plus I’ve worked my way through injuries so I’m an amazing competitor. But nobody cares about me! I come back at the Rumble? Big pop! But I’m shuttled off to Smackdown and everybody forgets I even exist! But you?! YOU?! Stupid. Heelish. Just randomly attacking everybody, pooping in people’s bags, getting drunk off your ass and tearing up hotel rooms, and taking so many drugs that they have to rewrite the policy so you don’t get your ass fired every ten seconds and what? Everybody cheers for you! You can’t even talk straight! I hate you!

Edge gets so upset and apoplectic that he blacks out and falls over. Orton wins! He doesn’t look too excited about that, honestly. In fact, he just looks tired.

Next Week: Flava Flav! YEEEEEAH BOY! Maybe he’ll be Virgil. Also, Randy Orton continues his transition into Steve Austin by filling Edge’s car with oatmeal. And Chris Jericho and The Miz settle on a team name: The Hart Dynasty.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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