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RAW SATIRE    
Rumer Mongering

June 3, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Jon Lovitz thought it was a decade ago. For some reason, R-Truth won a title in WWE, which has made me lose pretty much all faith in the system. What system that is, exactly, I don’t know. And we saw the end of “Dave” Batista “Davidson,a wonderful man with the mind of an eight year old. We’ll see you around, Thetista. But probably not…TONIGHT!

 

(Opening Credits)

Edge is beating the crap out of Evan Bourne to start. Why is Edge beating up Evan Bourne? I do not know. They’re in street clothes, so unless this is the best “Come as You Are” brawl ever, it’s not a match. It’s just…Edge beating up Evan Bourne. Which I can get behind, I guess. Cole and Lawler are no help.
 

Michael Cole: Evan Bourne was in the ring, and then Edge with a Spear to the chest of Evan Bourne. Vintage Evan Bourne.

Jerry “” Lawler: Where’s Gail Kim?! Where are the Puppies, Michael?!?!!

Wait…did they just insinuate that Evan was going to do an interview to start the show? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

Edge: Seriously, you guys? You were going to give Evan Bourne mic time, but not me? The guy hasn’t been relevant…ever! Can a girl get a salad here? How am I supposed to convince people that Randy Orton is a stupid, injured heel and not a stupid injured face! You hear that Evan?! I AM MORE RELEVANT THAN YOU!

Hey, it’s Randy Orton!

Edge: There he is! Boo that guy! Boo him like you’ve never booed a guy before! He broke his arm trying to beat up the ring and he’s killed old people! DO IT! BOO HIM!

Edge tries to run around the ring drumming up support for his cause, but he trips over the lifeless corpse of Evan Bourne’s career and falls over. Orton wins!

(ads)

Here’s the new owner of RAW, Ashton Kutcher. I don’t know either.

Ashton Kutcher: Yes! It’s me! I don’t know what I’m doing here either. I was buying a present for my wife, Demi Moore, when I accidentally bought this show. And I know everybody loves me as much as they love John Cena! I know because I have Twitter.

Eve Torres: Don’t you hate Zack Ryder?

Kutcher: I have no idea who that is. Should I?

Eve: Yeah. Everybody hates him.

Kutcher: Yeah, ok, then. I hate Zack Ryder. Somebody take him out and I’ll give them this signed picture of Rumer Willis. I sure as hell don’t want it.

The Miz: Ashton! My main man! My dog. My ace in the hole! What’s up?

Kutcher: Mike Mizanin! I hate you. I hate you so much I signed some guy the Internet told me about to kick your ass!

The Miz: You signed Smoking Baby! NOOO!

Kutcher: An ad for Nikon Coolpix Cameras.

R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho

BananaRamma in your pants what’s up! What’s up? I’m actually getting really curious now. What the hell is up? Will somebody just frigging tell me what it is? Cole and Lawler fall all over themselves wondering how in the world Truth won a title in WWE. Even he seems a little confused by it. Jericho insults Truth, and he responds by dancing. Welp. No arguing with that, Chris. Time to pack it up and go home. Seriously. You are fighting R-Truth, and he just danced at you. This is it.

(ads)

Hillariously, Lawler and Cole actually agree that winning this match would be great for Jericho, because then he might get a title match against Truth. A U.S. Title match. Against R-Truth. This is what Jericho is fighting for right now. Meanwhile, the WWE Spinnin’ Title scene is currently made up of Squinky and Bobbin Threadbare fighting John Cena and G-Rilla. How is G-Rilla not on Season 2 of NXT by the way? That’s got to be a joke. Truth with a roll-up (That Probably Isn’t His Move!) for the win. Jericho looks…distraught. I tried to warn you at the top of the match, dude. You’ve got no one to blame but yourself. In response, Truth dances at him. What’s up?

(ads)

Backstage….

Zack Ryder: Woo Woo, you know? Long Island Iced Z!

Bret Hart: No matter how much I hate you, I’m not going to punch you out and share Ashton Kutcher’s bounty with you. I don’t even want half a picture of Rumer Willis. Why did he put a hit out on you anyway? You’re literally the most boring guy on RAW.

Ryder: He’s jealous of my hair.

Hart: Actually, so am I now that you mention it.

The Canadian Bulldog: Who are those two jerks that attacked us? EVER!

Hart: Those guys? They’re the Uso Brothers. I signed them basically just to mess with you. Because if there’s something I love more than bitching about my lot in life, it’s being mean to my beloved family.

Tyson Kidd: Technically, I’m not even related to you, though.

Hart: Eh. You win some, you lose some.

Kidd: That doesn’t make any-

Bulldog: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!

(ads)

Eve Torres and Santino Marella vs. Maryse and William Regal (w/ Vladamir Kozlov)

Santino implores Vlad to think about their failed sitcom idea before the match. Vlad just…stares blankly ahead like he always does. How did that not take off? It’s the Perfect Strangers of a new generation! I did sort of warn them that this would happen if they didn’t hire me as a writer though. Dammit. The story of the match is that, though she has been Diva’s champion for, like, eight years, Eve still has no idea how to do anything. Even her tags are pretty sloppy. While nobody is looking (not hard during this match), Kozlov sneaks in and chokeslams…sort of…Regal, allowing Santino to steal a pin. Face turn! Sort of!

Backstage, Bret Hart is playing with Ashton Kutcher’s kids, all of whom are older than he is.

(ads)

Now Bret’s in the ring. Crazy!

Bret Hart: You guys, you wouldn’t believe it, but ever since I came back and Shawn Michaels left, I’m starting to feel a lot better about things. I’m still a topless genie/golem, but I’m feeling a lot better about it. So much better, in fact, that I’m going to stick around for a little while. So with that said, I actually met with Teddy Long and we’re going to take a vacation next week. Three hours of nothing. RAW guys will be here. Smackdown guys will be here. We’ll probably be drinking Mai Tais and watching Golden Girls reruns and talking about when wrestling didn’t suck. So…later.

Ted DiBiase: Hold on a second. Before you leave, I’d like to buy RAW next week. How much for the show? $20? $25? I’m not going any higher than $30.

Virgil: You sure do know how to negotiate, boss.

Hart: Hold on a second, Ted. I don’t own RAW. I’m just the general manager. Ashton Kutcher owns RAW.

DiBiase: Damn it, Bret! I’m struggling here! I thought finding the next Virgil would be my ticket to the top of the card, but all that happened was I found the old Virgil, and now I’m not even feuding with R-Truth. I can’t even get a feud with R-Truth here! Give me a job!

Ashton Kutcher: Not to interrupt from this office which is totally in the same place as wherever you guys are, because pre-taping things is for losers, but I’m not going to sell RAW to Ted DiBiase. Kicking basketballs away from kids is not cool, dude.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

DiBiase: That’s not me! That’s my dad!

Kutcher: Sure, whatever. I see Virgil out there with you. I know what’s up. Anyway, you know what horrible idea WWE hasn’t used in years? Cyber Sunday. So why not just do a Cyber Sunday RAW. Fans pick the matches.

Hart: Non-stop Randy Orton vs. Hornswoggle Coal Miner’s Glove matches. I love it.

Vince McMahon: Hi guys! I’m back! What did I miss? Seriously, though, I don’t care. I’m just shocked that it took me a whole two months before bailing on my promise to never show up on WWE TV again. Anyway, what are you guys up to? Booking Taboo Monday? Pretty horrible idea if you ask me.

Hart: Didn’t I run you out of WWE by having my family beat the crap out of you at Wrestlemania?

Vince: Yeah, I have a short attention span. I forgot why I even came out here. Oh, God…is that Virgil? What the hell have you people done with this show?

Virgil: Nice to see you too, Mr. McMahon!

Vince: Um…I have things to think about now. Don’t mind me. Good luck finding a happy ending, Bret. You look terrible.

Elsewhere….

Zack Ryder: -all I’m saying is that you’re the Legend Kill Guy, and I’m a Legend.

Randy Orton: In soothe, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the NXT Girl’s Chocolatechip. But, Zap Rhino, I must confuse, I have no idea whom you art. You’re no lemon, you’re just…?

Alicia Fox: Come on, let’s get out of here before Edge waylays Orton and we get caught up in it.

Orton: That’s presumptuous! My breast frond Nudge would ne-

Then Edge waylays Orton.

Edge: BE A HEEL!

(ads)

The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan

Michael Cole on Daniel Bryan, “This kid is a punk. I don’t know what the internet is, or what Independents are, or what ‘Vegan’ means, but he looks ridiculous.” I mean…I can’t argue with that. I’ve tried, but he’s absolutely right. This guy looks ridiculous. So are we still going with the Daniel Bryan thing, even though he already outed himself? Good to know. They should make Jess Enough Toughie his manager. Bryan with a roll-up (That’s His Move!) for the win. After the match, Miz tries to beat Bryan up, but he just throws Miz at Cole. Michael Cole, your call? “He throws men like my ex-wife!”

(ads)

Hey, it’s the Usos! Unidentified Submerged Objects?

Jimmy Uso: Yo, yo, yo! We’re the Usos. You know? Rikishi’s kids? Totally Not Jamal was totally not related to us in any way, but Jamal was? Yeah. Us. Os.

Jay Uso: Yeah, and we’re not like your average wrestling Samoans! Like…we’re not going to dance around, or try to kill Steve Austin for “the people,” or wear tribal tattooos….

Jimmy: Oh, and our weakness is hitting our heads against turnbuckles, that’s how different we are! A new generation of Samoan wrestlers! We’re even underweight!

Tamina: I’m Jimmy Snuka’s daughter. I have literally nothing else to add here. I just hope I fare better than Deuce! Or Domino! I forget which one I’m related to.

Then the Harts come out and brawl with the Usos. The Usos are already FCW Tag Team Champions, what are they being so greedy for? Natalya even gets into it with Tamina, because they’re both girls, I assume. But then the Usos beat the crap out of the Harts, and leave. Looks like the Hart Dynasty’s reign is only going to last Three Minutes. No? Oh, shut up.

(ads)

It’s Zack Ryder again! What is this WWE B-Team night? Which is funny because the A-Team just bought RAW. Don’t expect Liam Neeson though. Or Mr. T, sadly.

Zack Ryder: Ok, I just have to know. Does anybody love Rumer Willis enough to beat me up for a picture of her? I mean seriously? Rumer Willis? I just don’t believe it. Nobody can be that hard up for a date.

Jerry “” Lawler: Ahem.

Ryder: Oh no. Am I the next recipient of the Jerry Lawler feud death march? Jerry, she’s 21. She’s legal.

Lawler: Um…Never mind.

The Great Khali: AAGFGGGGGHLLP!

Indian Eric Bischoff: The Great Khali is…not as picky as Jerry Lawler. And once we go back to India, he’s going to need a baby mama to take back with him.

Ashton Kutcher: You don’t actually get Rumer. Just an autographed picture.

Khali: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Indian Bischoff: Literally, “AAAAAAAAAAH!”

Goldust: Just a picture? Well…Ok, I’ve done more with less.

Kutcher: No, seriously. It’s somebody you’d never expect!

Alicia Fox with the axe kick to Zack Ryder. Finally a storyline that makes sense! Nobody wants to hang out with Zack Ryder!

Alicia Fox: I’m going to sell it on eBay for $5.

(ads)

Edge and Sheamus vs. John Cena and Evan Bourne

Yes, John Cena could have picked anybody to be his tag team partner tonight, but he went with the obvious choice of Main Event Evan Bourne, who is a promo cutting genius in the pre-show. Because apparently Yoshi Tatsu and Primo were busy tonight. I miss the heady days that I was able to make a Funaki joke there. Bourne starts doing backflips like he was AJ Styles or something, and Edge bails out. Sheamus is just shaking his head, because he knows that not long ago, he was Evan Bourne, and still nobody takes him seriously.

(ads)

Cena looks a little confused at his choice for a tag team partner, and sort of resigned that he’s going to have to carry this match by himself. I don’t know what to tell you, man. Gail Kim clearly wasn’t busy. Or one of the NXT guys. Hell, Evan practically is an NXT guy. Speaking of which, what’s the deal with NXT now? Lowki is being trained by three girls? Not to mention that basically everybody has a ridiculous porn name too. Even more than normal. I mean…Lucky Cannon is actually the least stupid name of anybody on NXT now. What was I talking about? Oh right. Bourne wins with a backflip (That’s His Move!) on Sheamus. Wait…Really? What the hell?!

Next Week: Evan Bourne jobs to Michael Cole to restore balance to the universe. Fans vote for an hour of Hornswoggle/Randy Orton and Cena/Kelly Kelly Kelly matches, which will result in a delightful nap for me. And the A-Team does the impossible, and actually shows up in more than two segments. Which would be impressive, except that RAW is going to be on for, like, twelve hours.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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