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RAW SATIRE    
Needs More Beverly Brothers

June 12, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Bret Hart had a pretty boring showdown with Vince McMahon that was a harbinger to an even more boring showdown down the road. Ashton Kutcher was handing out pictures of Rumer Willis like they were going out of style. Because they were! And, for some reason, Evan Bourne. Prepare for the big Yoshi Tatsu push out of nowhere…TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)

THREE HOURS! UGH! Here’s Some Dudes.

Teddy Long: Holla Holla, playa!

Bret Hart: Teddy, I have a confession to make. I really only invited you here to show people how much worse it could be. I mean seriously, this guy used to manage Rodney Mack and he talks like he’s in a 60s Blacksploiation movie.

Long: It’s all about the dolla dolla bills, y’all!
 

Hart: You see? When you look at us next to each other, “insane topless genie who is coming to terms with how broke he is” isn’t nearly as terrible a GM as “silly black caricature,” right?

Long: Buhleedat!

Hart: So strap in and prepare for a night where you, the fans, decide what matches take place via a series of convoluted polls on WWE.com that are buried 15 pages deep and you have thirty seconds to vote on.

Long: What ever happened to Rodney Mack anyway?

Hart: He started his own brass band in Philadelphia.

Randy Orton: Engulf of this talk of the Romney Snack Big Bass Band! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the DCW Girl’s Chocolatechip, and I’m sick and tired of being ponderously attacked by my breast fiend Mileage week after leek.

Long: Well do we have just the deal for you, you feel me?

Hart: Uh…no. Anyway, we’re going to do a crowd poll, because this should be an easy one. Do you want to see Orton vs. Edge in….

A) A Race to see who gets injured and has to sit out for three months the fastest

B) A Race to alienate various sects in the locker room by offending women/girlish men

C) A battle of wits in the KISS DVD Board Game

Or

D) A match where Randy Orton takes on Edge, and Edge has one hand tied behind his back.

Crowd: KISS Board Game!!

Hart: I hate all of you.

Edge: I’m slightly offended that you let the crowd here book a match, when the rules you set out last week and just a few minutes ago pretty much implicitly stated that a miniscule fraction of WWE fans were going to vote on the matches and ultimately be ignored by our booking team who is just going to throw whatever out here to fill three hours tonight.

Hart: Eh. You win some, you lose some, I guess.

Edge: Randy, I really hate you. I just wanted you to know that. The fact that I tried shattering your arm in a million places last week didn’t make me the company’s new top face is a damn shame.

(ads)

The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho
In a Body Slam Challenge

They have Matt Striker out there tabulating the results, because he used to be a social studies teacher. So, the choices were “Coal Miner’s Glove” with 33%, “Sudoku Face-Off” with 329%, and “Body Slam Challenge” with 2x-y+3%. Show gamely offers Jericho the chance to body slam him, but Jericho solves a Sudoku instead. He was around when they had Cyber Sunday and Taboo Tuesday, right? He should know better. Once WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan explains the rules to Jericho, he immediately leaps into Show’s arms, and is body slammed. Show wins. When did Jericho get so stupid? Show proceeds to solve a Sudoku whilst wearing a Coal Miner’s Glove, which is kind of a dick move if you ask me.

Who will the Hart Dynasty face? Let’s hear from some of the choices?

Jimmy Uso: You mean wrestle an actual…like…match?

Trent Baretta: I know. I know. You have no idea who I am. But look at my name! I mean…right?!

The Great Khali: AAGKJKKKKKH!

Tough Enough Jessie: My tag team partner is this plastic bag! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

(ads)

Somehow, I ended up voting for The Beverly Brothers.

The Hart Dynasty vs. The Great Khali and Hornswoggle (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff)

Ah. Of course! Whoever voted for these guys should be ashamed of themselves. Of course, I’m pretty sure that I.E. Bischoff is the only one that voted in this poll. Striker is no help, as he’s just on the mic rattling off verb conjugations. Khali with a body slam, which he celebrates. I don’t think he knows that those were just the rules for the last match. The Canadian Bulldog, takes Khali out, and Tyson Kidd finally finds somebody who he’s bigger than, and rolls up Hornswoggle for the win. That’s His Move! After the match, the Usos come out, but bail when Striker starts trying to tell them about the proper use of semi-colons. Isn’t Primo a semi-Colon? Jerry “” Lawler leaves in disgust. Hey! You can’t do that!

(ads)

Here’s the “stars” of The A-Team! Err…Well…one of them.

Bradley Cooper: Hey. I guess I’m the only one that wasn’t too embarrassed to come out here. And, of course, Liam Neeson, who was never, in a billion trillion years going to show up here. So…I guess we bought this show. It seems pretty ok. Later!

Backstage….

Jerry “” Lawler: I can’t believe somebody would steal my crown. I mean, don’t they know where it’s been? Even I think that’s pretty gross.

Tough Enough Jessie: Oh yeah? Well they didn’t try to make you be in a tag team with a plastic bag! I always knew Bret Hart would get his revenge on me! WAAAAAH!

Lawler: Who are you again?

Sharlito Copley: Hey! Jerry! It’s me! Murdock!

Lawler: Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight! Good for you! And Lance Cade! You’ve…changed.

Rampage Jackson: Fool, I’m B.A. Barackus!

Lawler: Oh God, and I thought the names they came up with for the NXT guys were bad. Well, it’s good to see you back with the company!

B.A.: I watch RAW all the time, Jerry, because UFC is for fools, who I pity! And I think I know who stole your crown!

Lawler: Who?!

B.A.: I don’t know. I haven’t read far enough in my script yet.

The Bella Twins: Quentin Jackson? We love UFC and TruTV! Sharlito Copely? We…umm…Something about District 9.

B.A.: I’ve never been so simultaneously turned on and turned off in my whole life.

Lawler: Puppies!

Murdock: Ladies, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re B.A. Barackus and Murdock from the A-Team.

Bellas: We liked Reginald Barclay better.

B.A.: Don’t we all.

Murdock: What was that?

B.A.: I pity the fool who don’t find the King’s crown!

Matt Striker: Doesn’t. I pity the fool who doesn’t find the King’s crown.

Santino Marella will take on Vladimir Kozlov in a:

A) Jenga Jam
B) Prance Party
C) Eggplant Eat-off

(ads)

I voted for…The Beverly Brothers again? Huh.

Vladimir Kozlov vs. Santino Marella
In a Prance Party

Striker reads the results backwards and in Spanish, so you’re on your own trying to figure them out. The rules of the Prance Party are simple. Whosoever prances the longest and the hardest is the winner. Santino starts things off by leaping around the ring like a unicorn in heat, before finally succumbing to the power of the prance and ends up blowing his nose in the Canadian Flag. To counterpoint, Kozlov moonwalks over to Santino and headbutts him in the larynx. Vlad wins! That was a really short lived tag team. Even the Beverly Brothers had a better run!

What kind of Divas match should we have? Sadly there is not an option for “None.”

(ads)

Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres vs. Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella vs.Maryse vs. Jillian Hall vs. Gail Kim vs. Layla El vs. Michelle McCool vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Rosa Mendes vs. Tiffany
In a Battle Royal

I didn’t think Tiffany actually wrestled, but I guess they showed me. A couple of people get thrown out, and then Kelly gets eliminated and I kind of just mentally check out. Not that I haven’t mentally checked out on this show a while ago, because honestly, it’s a three hour RAW, and honestly number two, I just had surgery and I’m not really feeling up to watching this bunch do whatever it is they’re trying to do here. Somehow Jillian makes it to the end, but Maryse tosses her for the win.

Backstage….

Sheamus: -and that’s why I think coconut M&Ms are the best M&Ms.

Kane: LIES! Peanut is the only true answer to that question!

Sheamus: Whatever you say, baldy.

Kane: So let me ask you something. Did you take out my brother? Because I’ve asked four or five guys now, and they’ve all said no, so I’m pretty much at a loss.

Sheamus: I wish! That would’ve made me somewhat relevant again! It’s amazing how quickly people forgot that I was the one who shipped Hunter off to do his movie or whatever. I really could’ve used an attack on a guy like Taker!

Kane: Damn! Excuse me, I’ve got to go question Caylen Croft.

Who will Sheamus take on? Mark Henry? Evan Bourne? Or Kane? I’m voting for the Beverly Brothers!

(ads)

Sheamus vs. Kane

Of course I actually voted for Kane! What are you nuts? We haven’t had nearly enough of him on this show lately. Striker awards Kane thirteen votes, Bourne ½ vote, and Mark Henry Alaska. I don’t think that’s quite how the electoral college works. Evan looks pretty sad that everybody’s already forgotten his big main event run from last week, but whatever. It’s not like that was going to last, dude. You’d have better luck just trying to convince everybody that you’re Justin Gabriel.

(ads)

Inexplicably, this match is still going on. They should’ve let us vote on whether or not the finish should’ve happened during the break. I would’ve voted for Kane by Submission! Has he ever won a match by submission? I really, really hope so for some reason. Sheamus eventually gets sick of this nonsense and bails out. No! You need more Kane! Haven’t you ever paid attention to this show? What kind of question is that? Of course the answer is “No.”

(ads)

Backstage….

Savannah: No, I have no idea who I am either.

Wade Barrett: Did you like my “Winds of Change” speech on NXT a few weeks ago?

Savannah: What the hell is NXT?

Barrett: I can already feel this angle taking off.

Elsewhere….

Ted DiBiase: I tried to warn them that the show would be more interesting if I owned it, but nooooo.

Virgil: You did try to warn them. I’ll give you that.

B.A. Barackus: I pity the fool who don’t give Jerry Lawler his crown back!

Murdock: Er…Yeah. We think that you either stole Jerry Lawler’s crown, or you took out The Undertaker.

DiBiase: Have you seen that guy’s crown? Gross! If I wanted a crown, I’d just go out and buy a new one.

Virgil: Admittedly, I probably would’ve stolen it, but I had pressing business to attend to.

Irwyn R. Schyster: I actually did steal it, because that guy still owes me, like, $500.

Papa Shango: What’s going on in here, guys?!

And the room fills with green mist. IRS, Ted DiBiase, Virgil, and the A-Team, folks. It sure is 2010!

Who will team with R-Truth and The Miz?! Oh no! What if they split the Beverly Brothers?!

(ads)

R-Truth and John Morrison vs. The Miz and Zack Ryder

Zack Ryder? Really? You couldn’t find anything better than that? Ugh, I wish I could say that I’ve never been more disappointed in the WWE Universe, but I’m pretty much always more disappointed in the WWE Universe. Still waiting to learn “What’s Up?” by the way. To be fair, it looks like Morrison is rocking the Bananarama in his pants. Ryder is basically taking a nap for this whole match, which is nice. That’s how you can tell they didn’t want him to be in the match.. Miz with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win.

Backstage….

Edge: Come on! He’s just like Shawn Michaels! A total dick, but WWE has the crowd conditioned to love him. You pretty much have to side with me on this one.

Bret Hart: That deserves a long and detailed response!

Kane: Guys, I have to admit, I have no idea who took out The Undertaker. I give up. So let’s hula!

So they do.

(ads)

Edge vs. Randy Orton
In Which Edge Has One Hand Tied Behind His Back

I’m still mad that I didn’t get a vote in this. Coal Miner’s Glove! That’s pretty much the only acceptable option. Edge’s hand comes free about ten seconds into the match, as always happens in this type of match, but rather than go ahead and get it fixed, Edge just grabs a chair and starts wailing on Orton. That’s a DQ. But at least they didn’t ignore that his hand was actually free the whole time. What are the odds that Orton comes back next week claiming that his arm is fine again?

(ads)

Backstage…

John Cena: Man, that Evan Bourne’s push went down the tubes fast. Oh well. Can’t say I didn’t try.

Savannah: You could’ve cut a promo in support of him an hour ago before he lost out in a vote to friggin’ Kane.

Cena: Who are you again?

Elsewhere….

Murdock: I give up. Where in the world would Ted DiBiase, Virgil, and IRS take my buddy B.A.?

Mean Gene Okerlund: Money Inc? The A-Team? Have I finally gotten my wish and transported back to 1985? Honey, put the kids in the Buick, I’m relevant again!

Murdock: Mean Gene! Where do you think they would hide B.A.?

Okerlund: Where’s the last place you would look?

Murdock: THE RING!

Okerlund: That’s right. Assemble the fat old team and all that. I just feel bad for that sexy young interviewer whose spot I’m taking.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: Who, me?

Okerlund: Shush. You’re not even born yet.

Mathews: If it were 1986, I’d be six.

Okerlund: That’s downright…illegal.

St. Elsewhere….

Teddy Long: Drew McIntyre your opponent tonight will iether by Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, or this cardboard cutout of Matt Hardy!

Drew McIntyre: Sigh…I never should’ve called Stephanie McMahon a fattie.

(ads)

Drew McIntyre vs. A Cardboard Cutout of Matt Hardy

In lieu of the results, Matt Striker just decides to read off the chemical composition for cardboard. How will I know how many votes Shannon Moore got? Anyway, Long clarifies that while Matt Hardy was suspended from competition, images and Matt Hardy related ghosts were not! Drew looks…slightly resigned to his fate here. He locks up with the cutout, and gets a paper cut. He hops around the ring momentarily, but the slips, causing the cutout to fall on top of him. That’s It’s Move! The Cardboard Cutout of Matt Hardy wins! It is clearly the most successful Hardy.

Backstage….

Ted DiBiase: So…what do we even do with him now that we’ve caught him?

Irwin R. Schyster: We make him talk! Tell us everything you know!

B.A. Barackus: About what, exactly?

IRS: Um….?

Virgil: Gonzaga basketball!

(ads)

They’ve taken this particular show on the road and into the ring, where Rampage is still professing that he knows absolutely nothing about Gonzaga basketball.

Ted DiBiase: Be that as it may, we’ve found somebody who knows a little something about you!

Rowdy Roddy Piper: MISTER T! MR! T! You’re back?! Ruining my career at Wrestlemania wasn’t good enough? Now you want to come out here twenty seven years later and ruin it again? You have the sickness, Mr. T! The SICKNESS! Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn’t punch you into last Tuesday?

B.A. Barackus: Who is this old man and what is he rambling about?

Piper: I came here to yell at Mr. T and chew gum, and I’m all out of gum! Wait! I just found a stick in my pocket! You guys wait here for a second, I’ll be back for this one.

DiBiase: I’m so sorry.

Piper wanders off. I like IRS in the crown, by the way. He looks like Jugghead. Murdock drives down to the ring with Gene Okerlund and Dusty Rhodes, of all people, to make the save. Oh, Dusty. And seriously, you guys couldn’t afford to rent a black van?

Rampage breaks free of his handcuffs, and kills Virgil, Dusty hits the Bionic Elbow on IRS, and Murdock chases DiBiase away with Gene Okerlund’s mustache.

Mean Gene Okerlund: Murdock, why in the hell did you call Dusty Rhodes to give you a hand saving B.A. Barackus here tonight?

Murdock: Because the last time I watched wrestling, Dusty was sort of a big deal. Not so much anymore, I take it? Oh well. He’s still a big deal to me! In fact, I’m going to let him do the final bit of promotion for the A-Team here tonight. Take it away, Big Dust!

Dusty Rhodes: Virgil hamallamama to Sapphire take it away on tha mothaship if you wheeeeeeel!

Rampage Jackson: I hate you.

(ads)

Who will John Cena’s opponent be?

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena’s potential opponents for tonight. So who will it be?

Rey Misterio: Probably not me. I never win these fan polls because five year olds can’t vote.

Jack Swagger: Nobody likes me!

CM Punk: Have you guys seen how ridiculous my new mask looks? I mean…haha!

John Cena vs. CM Punk (w/ the Straight Edge Society)

As if there were any doubt. The only people who’ve been voting in these polls all night are members of Paramore. Cena immediately goes after Punk’s mask, which is ridiculous, because we already know what he looks like. Ok, sure we know what Rey looks like too, but his whole personality isn’t based entirely on us pretending that we don’t know what he looks like. So Punk counters by running around ringside until Cena manages to get his ass kicked by both Festus and Serena.

(ads)

Wade Barrett has made his way to ringside, and Cena is none too happy about this, because he has no idea who Wade Barrett is. He’s willing to ignore the Legal Eagle’s presence for a while, but soon Barrett is joined by Michael Tarver and Darren Young, who take out Lawler. Guys! I think I figured out who stole Lawler’s crown! No? Oh. Cole, it should be noted, takes off immediately. Soon, Daniel Brian, David Otunga, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Skip Sheffield have chased off the Straight Edge Society and Matt Striker, and beaten the crap out of Justin Roberts and WWE Time Keeper Mark Yeaton, who hilariously rings the bell while he’s getting beaten down.

The nXt guys slowly disassemble the set over the course of the next three hours while Cena looks mildly perturbed in the ring. When they finally make their shocking strike, and Barrett hits…something (That’s His Move!) on Cena while Gabriel does a backflip in the corner.

Oh my God, you guys.

I don’t know who any of these people are.

Next Week: The new Xanax tribe are still trying to take down the Titantron. Good luck guys! Plus, everybody in the upper card ignores them, so get jacked for their feud with Goldust! And Randy Orton shows up and pretends that nothing is wrong at all, why would you ask?

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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