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RAW SATIRE    
Of Alien Visitors, Both Legal and Illegal
(or, "When Wade Barrett and ALF Attack")

July 7, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Wade Barrett got kicked the hell out of the country. Not Sheamus though, even though he tried really hard. Also, the nXt (The Nexus if you’re nasty) decided to kill Ricky Steamboat for real. Who will they actually kill…TONIGHT?

(Opening Credits)

Here’s the nXt guys, including Wade Barrett, who has apparently fast talked his way back into the country.

 

Wade Barrett: Hey, guys! I was sooooo sad that the United States forced me to take a week long vacation. So, so sad. So sad, in fact, that I’m already forgetting how to apply for a work visa for next year. Anyway, I guess we should explain away that Vince McMahon assault from a couple weeks ago, huh? Nah! We don’t know why we did it either. We’ll figure it out one of these weeks. Until then, we’re going to keep working on raid progression and figuring out the best tactics for downing our sworn enemies Malygos and the Blue Dragonflight. 
 


Malygos and the Blue Dragonflight is the name of my next band.

Skip Sheffield: Yip-

Barrett: No.

Sheffield: But I was just going to talk about how we weren’t sorry for taking out Ricky Steamboat, and how beating up old people is more fun than regular wrestling.

Barrett: Well, that’s just too bad.

Michael Cole: Hey, we just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. He says that he’s getting pretty bored with this segment. So you’re all banned from competing in title matches until further notice, and if any WWE Superstars wants to come out here and chase these guys off, that’d be cool.

John Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo yo YO! YO! YO!

John Cena hits the scene,
Heart bigger than Texas,
I’m a one man army,
Ready to take out the Nexus.

But I didn’t come alone,
I’ve come with back-up!
We’re going to make this even,
Time for you guys to sack up!

Here comes Randy,
John, Evan and the Truth,
And probably the Harts,
We’ll knock out your tooth!

Unless we get attacked,
But we’ve got nothing to fear,
That’ll never happen,
Because the CHAMP IS HERE!

The guys shuffle out, embarrassed to have let them goad Cena into introducing them. R-Truth doesn’t want to fight, he simply wants to know what’s up. As soon as they hit the stage, though, Sheamus, Ted DiBiase, The Usos, The Miz, Edge, and Chris Jericho attack them from behind. This attack is, like, three weeks late, you guys. You really dropped the ball on this one. Didn’t Cena and Company see them hanging out backstage?

Backstage, moments earlier!

Evan Bourne: Ok, but no rapping!

John Cena: No, no! I swear! What’s wrong with my rapping anyway? R-Truth is black and he likes it!

R-Truth: No I don’t. But what’s up?

Tyson Kidd: Uh…Edge, Sheamus, Chris Jericho, Miz, Ted DiBiase and the Usos…what are you guys doing lurking behind the curtain right before we‘re about to be introduced?

Edge: Er…Moral support?

David Smith: Wow, that’s really swell of you guys. Thanks!

Sheamus: Err…yeah…no problem. Fella.

Back in real time….

Cena: We never saw that coming!

Sheamus: Look, the nXt are heels and we’re heels-

Justin Gabriel: To be fair I’m the only heals in the group. Ever since Daniel Bryan got himself fired, we’ve had to pug a healer and two DPS.

Michael Tarver: No, he means wrestling heels. Like we’re evil.

Bourne: Oh! Wait…what?

Sheamus: Err…anyway. Have fun with that nXt thing while the rest of us feud over the WWE Title. Enjoy getting beat up every week by guys not good enough to appear on ECW back in the day while we use up the rest of the show’s TV time.

Cena: And now for our voice of reason, Randy Orton…really?!

Randy Orton: Thank you, Joe. It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the UHF Girl’s Chocolatechip. Shameless, I don’t think you understanderate the excrement of the problem. If Wayne Bruce there beats us, it make you all look terriblous too1!

Michael Cole: Our GM just e-mailed me to say that he found a cool link that turns everything he types into a Steve Austin promo. It reads, “You’re all havin’ a can of whoop ass and walkin’ it dry! And that’s the Bottom Line Cuz’, Stone Cold HELL YEAH!”

Cena: I don’t believe the General Manager is actually Steve Austin. He has better things to do. And…doesn’t know how to turn on a computer.

Cole: The GM just sent me another e-mail saying that he can type really fast, and he typed a whole response to that while you were talking, John, but I accidentally deleted it and I don’t really want to go back and try to undelete it.

(ads)

John Morrison vs. Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse)

Finally, some protection for Ted! Maryse is actually looking pretty good tonight, which takes some of the sting out of her getting called “Maurice.” Maryse immediately sets her storyline in motion, saying that she’s not a gold digger, she just takes Ted’s money when he’s in need. Dude only got a million dollars from his dad, right? That’s not going to last much longer. Right? I think Morrison spends at least that much a week on ab glitter. Maryse grabs Morrison’s jacket, which is the ultimate offense, but when he gets distracted by someone looking even more girly in that jacket than him, DiBiase hits him with Dream Street for the win.

Backstage….

Vladimir Kozlov: I literally think an ALF sequel is our best bet.

Santino Marella: What-a about a sequel-a to Eight-a Is Enough-a!

Kozlov: I’m not having eight children with you.

Marella: Come on-a! For the-a show!

Kozlov: No. I hate you.

(ads)

Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov vs. William Regal vs. The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff)

Apparently, Indian Eric Bischoff and Khali are best friends and brothers again, because Khali correctly identified at least four out of the seven members of Nexus in an online poll. For the record, it was Skip Sheffield, David Otunga (as Jennifer Hudson’s Boyfriend), Heath Slater, and Wade Barrett. He’s teaming with Regal tonight because he loves him some Twilight. They really need to bring Tatanka back and have him and Regal feud over Layla. Ratings gold! And since I’m secretly RAW’s GM anyway, I’m totally going to make that happen. And that’s the Bottom Line ‘cus DTA! Now give me some beer! Vladamir accidentally wins the match by himself, and then Khali chops Regal in the head to celebrate. Team Tatanka!

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Arn Anderson.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Arn Anderson, and Arn, I know you’re pretty old, but do you remember last week? When you were attacked by the nXt? What was that all about, right?

Arn Anderson: Josh, it’s like I always say, you can be the biggest fish swimming around a butt, but if that butt gets too big, you’re just in the toilet. Understand?

Mathews: Er…Nope. But I’m starting to see how the new WCW failed with you on commentary.

Anderson: This ain’t funnin’ around, Josh. Ricky Steamboat literally almost died last week.

Mathews: Trust me, Arn, I’m rarely having fun.

Sheamus: Get this old geezer off the screen before people think they’ve accidentally turned on the pro bowling tour. Fella, I’ll tell you one thing. The nXt is smarter than the Four Horseman ever were, because they’ve never messed with old Sheamus.

Anderson: Ok…one, nXt has interfered in a few of your matches, and while it never affected you directly, it probably would’ve if you wouldn’t have run away like an extremely white scaredy cat. And two, the Four Horsemen never messed with you because you were, like, five when we were around.

Sheamus: Fella, I’m the WWE Spinnin’ Champion so I could not care less what some bald guy in glasses says.

Anderson: Josh, I legitimately think this company is going to be bankrupt and out of business by the end of the year. I’m dead serious. We are the sinking ship.

Mathews: What does that say for TNA then?

Anderson: Oh God, are they still around?

Sheamus: Yeah, where’d you think Flair went?

Anderson: I dunno, I just figured his head finally exploded for good.

(ads)

R-Truth vs. The Miz

Look, we’re into month two of this, and I’m beginning to suspect that nobody actually really knows “What’s Up.” And before you try to get clever and say, “The sky!” No. Ok. That’s obvious. It doesn’t require a weekly interrogation of the crowd. R-Truth is on to something here, and I want to know what. ’s up. Miz raps on the way down to the ring, oddly enough, about taco salad, which is neither appropriate nor topical, but delicious nonetheless. I think he’s been taking lessons from Cena. Miz basically spends the next half hour kicking Truth in the shoulder, and then cutting a promo about how, if anybody in the Money in the Bank match tries to knock him off the ladder, he’ll kick them in the shoulder. I’m not convinced that that’s much of a threat, but I am convinced I wan at taco salad.

(ads)

It’s time for the Cutting Edge! I’m surprised they still have this set in storage! Do you think they’ve got the Funeral Parlor stashed away somewhere? I want that loveseat.

Edge: That’s right it’s time for the Cutting Edge, and can a girl get a taco salad here? Other than feuding with Rob Zombie, I haven’t done a damn thing of consequence in forever. So I’m not even sure what I’m going to talk about here other than the fact that I’ve won a couple of these Money in the Bank things already, and I think it’d be lazy for me to do it again, but what the hell. I’m not complaining. Anyway, you know who hasn’t had any mic time? Ever? Evan Bourne. Want to know why? Let’s find out together!

Chris Jericho: Er…how about no? I’ll just come out here and cut a promo in his stead.

Edge: Great! TV’s Chris Jericho, folks! How’s that game show working out for you, Chris? Still standing on top of a building with a giant conveyor belt for some reason?

Jericho: Ladies and gentlemen, a list of Edge’s accomplishments outside of professional wrestling: 1) Finally killing off the Highlander franchise. Good job, buddy!

Edge: You’re just bitter because the Nexus will want to hang out with me because I know the difference between a spirit gemmed Resto-Shaman and a Moonkin who can spot heal in raids.

Jericho: Well you’re just jealous that I’m best friends with the Legal Eagle Wade Barrett and am going to be leading the nXt by the end of the angle because they’ll have no idea what else to do!

Edge: You’re just jealous that I’m basically you, except younger, prettier, and with better hair. Except for the whole thing where I get hurt all the time.

Jericho: You’re just jealous that you weren’t invited to Undertaker’s wedding!

Edge: Neither were you!

Jericho: Yeah, but I hate Undertaker. You were in The Brood! You’d think you would’ve at least been invited to be a druid. I heard Gangrel was there!

Edge: NO WAY! What the hell, dude? Gangrel?! Oh well, you’ve been to one coma wedding you’ve been to them all. I did hear Kaval popped out of the coffin shaped cake and choke slammed Torrie Wilson, though.

Jericho: TMZ has a really touching video of an oatmeal covered Paul Bearer conducting the orchestra playing Undertaker’s theme, but being lit on fire by Kane before they can get to the chorus.

Edge: I’ll never forgive you for jobbing me out at Wrestlemania!

And with that Edge tries to Spear Jericho, but gets locked in the Walls instead. Bourne comes out to cut his huge promo, but can only look on in dismay as he sees the guys rolling around and dismantling the set. Bourne runs to the ring, dropkicks them both in the face and then runs back up the ramp. That guy’s really annoying, you know that?

Michael Cole: I’ve got an e-mail from our General Manager! He says, “You guys are going to have a tag team match against Evan Bourne and Randy Orton or else!”

Jericho: Or else what?

Cole: WHAT?

Edge: Mich-

Cole: I got another e-mail, it says, “What?”

Evan Bourne: Guys, I just wanted to say-

Cole: Got another one! What?

Randy Orton: It is I-

Cole: Damn, inbox is full. I’ll delete some of these pictures of my kids and we’ll keep this going during the ad break.

(ads)

Edge and Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne and Randy Orton

Bourne starts things off for his team, because he’s an idiot. To their credit (I guess?), the announcers excitedly talk about how even though Edge and Jericho hate each other, they were former tag team champions, so they should do pretty well together here. Seconds into the match, Jericho nearly trips over Bourne, almost allowing Orton to win. Well, they were a well-oiled machine for almost a minute there. Bourne backflips out of the ring, and when he comes back, he gets punched in the face by Jericho. It’s just like TNA, folks!

(ads)

Bourne is still in there. Does he even realize that Randy Orton is over on the other side of the ring? Not to tell him how to do his job or anything, but he’s kind of getting his ass kicked here. Wait…I can’t say ass because this is Rated PG. Orton finally tags in, but so does the Rated PG Superstar and Edge takes over in short order. Then the in-fighting begins as Jericho and Edge start refusing to tag in until the other guy promises to share hair care tips and appearances on conveyor game shows. Jericho, however, makes the mistake of mentioning how much he misses Big Show and Miz, and Edge Spears him. Evan hits another backflip (That’s His Move!) for the win.

(ads)

Backstage….

Randy Orton: I can’t not believe that I teamstered with Evad Bored last to fight.

David Otunga: Randy, I just wanted to find you with my completely non-threatening back-up-

Michael Tarver: Hi!

Heath Slater: What’s up?

Otunga: I just wanted to apologize to you. Not for attacking you at Fatal Fourway. I figure you’d probably be pretty cool with that seeing as how, even though you’re a face for some reason, you do that stuff all the time. No, I wanted to apologize to you for not mentioning that I’m dating Jennifer Hudson lately. That was my bad.

Tarver: Yeah! His bad!

Otunga: And now, Heath Slater with some vaguely threatening remarks about the cage match at the PPV.

Slater: Uh…We might do a run-in during the main event at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents Money in the Bank.

Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with the Usos.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with the Usos and Tamina. And to be honest, I don’t know what to say or do here, so please don’t headbutt me.

Jimmy Uso: Dude, come on. Just because we’re Samoan? We don’t do that.

Tamina: Well…I do.

Jay Uso: Ok, she does. But Jimmy and I don’t.

Mathews: Thanks for clarifying who you were. Get some tights with your name on it or something. Anyway, you guys are taking the Hart Dynasty at Money in the Bank, in a match that isn’t a money in the bank match. How do you feel?

Tamina: To be honest, Josh. We stopped paying attention to anything you’ve said after the headbutt thing.

Alicia Fox: Josh, why don’t you ever interview me? Is it because you don’t care what I have to say? Or because you don’t care about the WWE Divas Title?

Mathews: Yes.

(ads)

Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox
For the WWE Divas Title

Honestly, I would’ve thought Josh would’ve been all over a Divas title match, but maybe he doesn’t want to humiliate himself even further. Alicia breaks her ankle about five seconds into the match, saving us from watching Eve Torres writhe around in the ring until WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan tells her to bring it home. Alicia’s faking it, of course, because she can’t stand to be in an Eve Torres match any more than we want to watch one. So as soon as Eve wanders close enough, she pops up, hits the Axe Kick, gets the pin and runs off.

(ads)

Wade Barrett’s in the ring for our “main event.”

Wade Barrett: Look, I just want to come out here and bury the hatchet with John Cena and move on. I mean, look, clearly we’re in over our heads here. As cool as it is to have us rookies band together and beat up WWE Superstars, the truth of the matter is, in a few months most of my guys will be lucky to be appearing on WWE Superstars. Most of them will probably get future endeavored faster than you can say Daniel Bryan Danielson. So, let’s just let bygones be bygones, I’ll head down to fight guys like Miz and Mark Henry in the opening match, and the rest of the lot can head back to FCW where they will be treated like Gods!

John Cena: Wade Barrett, I’m MAD AS HELL I want the attacks to stop and I want them to stop RIGHT NOW!

Barrett: Yeah. Ok. Geez. Settle down.

Cena: You settle down, clown! I’m about to kick things old school like back to the future! In fact, I’m traveling back in time right now so that I can show up at a prom and start dating your mom!

Barrett: Can you slow down for a second? I’m having a really hard time figuring out if you’re really upset by this angle, or if it’s all a big joke to you.

And with that, Cena tries to attack Barrett. What a jerk. Dude was being pretty swell, I thought. The nXt is down to ringside in record time to pull Barrett out of th ering. See, that’s how you make a save, y’all. But they’re chased off by the RAW Locker Room, which includes guest appearances by Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu, both of whom are apparently still employed!

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager and…wait…no. Sorry. It’s just from my mom. She wants to know why I haven’t been calling her lately. Because, mom! I’m my own person now, ok? Geez. Just because I live in your basement doesn’t mean I can’t do things with my friends! Oh. And she wants to see John Cena take on all of nXt in a 7-on-1 handicap match next week. So why don’t we just go with that.

Cena looks pretty depressed as he helps chase the rest of nXt out of the ring, except for Darren Young, who is trying to escape Cena’s notice by pretending to be John Cena. It doesn’t work, however, as Cena’s so upset at himself for not making peace with Nexus, that he beats himself up. Throwing himself into the ring steps and over the announce table onto Cole and Lawler. This guy really is a huge jerk, isn’t he?

Next Week: John Cena steals Michael Tarver’s bandana and won’t give it back. Plus, the RAW GM spends the entire night talking like Dusty Rhodes, and nobody knows what the hell is going on. And someone tempts fate by executing a knife edge chop! WOO!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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