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RAW SATIRE    
Only in BizzaroLand: Cena Loses~!

July 15, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: John Cena decided to lead the RAW Locker Room (saved myself a LOT of bolding right there) in an epic battle against the Nexus, but only a handful of guys showed up, and two of them were Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu. Meanwhile, Sheamus called Arn Anderson “fella.” And Santino and Vladamir Kozlov fell in love. Maybe they’ll start filming their reality show…TONIGHT!

 

(Opening Credits)

Here’s John Cena, and he’s got a microphone. Not a good way to kick things off, show. At least he doesn’t seem to be in the mood to rap.

 

John Cena: I’m not in the mood to rap. Last week, I gave myself the beating of a lifetime and now the Cena vs. nXt handicap match has been pared down to 6-on-1. But frankly, I’m a little disappointed. Sure, having the help of true WWE Superstars like Goldust, Yoshi Tatsu, and Mark Henry is great and all, but where was Sheamus? I mean I know he stated about eleven or twelve times last week that he hated me too much to align with me and that he was kind of hoping that he could become the leader of nXt because one guy from the UK is as good as another, but I really had my hopes up that he’d come out and save me. You really let me down, whitey.

Here’s the nXt, all wearing their Blizzcon 2009 T-Shirts. They should come to my rocking hotel party this year. There’s going to be Skittles.

Cena: Well look! If it isn’t my worst enemies! Six guys who weren’t good enough to start on the active roster! Nice T-Shirt guys, that dragon’s really classy.

Wade Barrett: Before we talk about you, John, I just want to make something clear. <The Nexus> of Feathermoon is recruiting, but you have to be willing to drop your main and reroll a goblin when Cataclysm comes out for our hilarious gimmick sister guild, <The Chumps Are Here>. There’s three spots open in our raid group, but Daniel Bryan need not apply. Must register using your RealID.

Michael Cole: The General Manager just sent me an e-mail. Apparently he believes that the only good gimmick guilds are the ones made up of all pun-named gnomes and he doesn’t want to give up his RealID. Sorry, guys. I, on the other hand, am leveling a female troll-

Barrett: Get out.

Cole: Anyway, John, if anybody helps you tonight, you get suspended for 90 days. If anybody from nXt attacks Cena without tagging in, they’re suspended for 90 days. So let’s all hope your drug tests came back negative, am I right?

Barrett: No catchphrase or anything to throw us off the trail of who it might be?

Cole: Oh yeah, it says “HOOOOOOOOOOOO! USA! USA!”

Cena: It’s The Godfather!

(ads)

Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox

This isn’t for the title, lest we sully the good name of the Divas Championship. Eve Torres is on commentary to add such insightful tidbits of information like, “I’m wrestling Alica Fox sometime.” And, “I know how to wrestle.” Gail is still easily the most attractive cell phone salesman on the roster. Sorry, Verizon Guy. Can we bring back the celebrity guest owners with him? Please? Woah, wait…Does Rob Zombie still own the show? Holy crap. Alicia wins with something that I missed, because, quite frankly, I was paying more attention to reading this napkin. That’s Her Move! Oh, and they announced the Eve/Alicia match for Money in the Bank, just in case you needed any more incentive to order it.

(ads)

The Usos and Tamina vs. The Hart Dynasty

Michael Cole spends about an hour talking about WWE.com and misses most of this match. Not that I mind. Lawler spends the rest of the match comparing Tamina to Big Show, which…I’m not sure who that’s more insulting towards. At least she’s not wrestling this entire match again. The Canadian Bulldog is a house afire, taking down just about everybody in the ring, including his own partners, which doesn’t bode well for when the Usos Superkick and splash him for the win.

Backstage….

Wade Barrett: Chris Jericho, I’d just like to say “Thank you” for mentoring me on NXT. That Legal Eagle nickname you gave me is sure to…fizzle out within a few weeks.

Chris Jericho: Who are you again?

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Wade Barrett and Chris Jericho! Guys, do you have anything to say about this emotional reunion?

Jericho: Josh, who is this guy?

David Otunga: Wade! Wade! Look what I found! This little Asian man!

Yoshi Tatsu: Oh man! Awesome. I finally get some mic time to establish myself in WWE!

Barrett: Yoshi Tatsu? What were you thinking coming out here last week? You’re one of the few guys who can honestly say he’s lower on the totem pole than Michael Tarver!

Michael Tarver: Hey!

Barrett: Come on man, you know it’s true. You should’ve just stayed on Superstars where you belong!

So Otunga, Tarver, and Barrett beat Tatsu down and leave him laying in a pool of his own tears. That’s what you get for being a JRPG fan amongst MMO players.

(ads)

Here’s Ted DiBiase and Maryse in the ring.

Ted DiBiase: Man, things are going great for me right now. I’ve got Maryse protecting me, I’m wearing a tux, and on Sunday Night, I’m going to lose the Money in the Bank Ladder match!

Maryse: Don’t you mean win?

DiBiase: Um…No. I’m not going to win anything. But I will buy you a nice skirt and a tennis bracelet with my rapidly diminishing funds.

Maryse: That is acceptable.

John Morrison: Hey, guys. Maryse doesn’t take showers and has big lips. Also, she speaks French, which is a lovely language, but weird.

Morrison knocks DiBiase down and goes for Starship Pain, but Maryse pulls Ted out. I don’t know why, because he never hit’s the damn thing, but whatever. Maryse should’ve taken him out though. Maybe Virgil was right…

(ads)

So, I guess Santino and Vlad are trying out a Brady Bunch sequel. Also in the show? Great Khali (of course), Goldust (of course!), William Regal, Zack Ryder (?!), Primo (???!), and…Doink the Clown. Was Caylen Croft busy or something?

Backstage, Florence Henderson is eating pie.

Santino Marella: Oh come-a on! This is-a supposed to be-a PG Rated-a show now-a! No Pie-a!

Florence Henderson: But I’m baking this pie for Rob Zombie. That nice zombie man gave me this show, and I thought I should give him something back!

William Regal: Marella! Marella! Marella! Why do you always get all the segments?

Florence: Did I know you from back in the 40s?

Regal: Why yes, I was quite a young vampire back then.

Florence: And you still haven’t fixed that hair?

Regal: We wanted Betty White.

Doink the Clown: The funny thing about this is, I actually am Caylen Croft, but they figured more people would know who Doink was. Besides, Doink was kind of a big deal back when the Brady Bunch was still around.

Edge: Don’t mind me. Just passing through your weird midcard segment.

(ads)

Edge vs. Randy Orton

Edge should’ve just straight up stolen that pie. It looked delicious, and that would’ve really stuck it to that jerk Rob Zombie. I also kind of wanted to hear Primo’s Greg Brady impression though. The guy has literally nothing else going for him right now. Let him have that. And his brother’s old finisher. Not that Primo’s going to be winning any matches. What? This match? A whole lot of nothing has happened so far. Edge dumps Orton outside the ring, and Randy immediately decides to take a nap. We’ll be right back, folks.

(ads)

You know what I don’t understand, why nobody’s just gone and taken Michael Cole’s computer and figured out who the GM is. Or at least stolen their e-mail. I would’ve bet a billion dollars Lawler had already done it. Anyway, Jericho comes down to ringside and tells Orton that all his prizes are going to fall off a building, and Orton is distracted enough to fall victim to the reverse facebuster…er…back of the headbuster. That’s Not His Move! That’s like Austin finishing a match with a Thesz Press. Geez. Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Edge for good measure, but slips on his shoelace and falls over. Orton wins! Evan Bourne runs out, because God knows even I forgot he was in the Money in the Bank match, and tries to hit his Shooting Star Press, but he just lands on his face. Orton wins again! Play that a million times!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with Skip Sheffield.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with…Oh…this can’t be right. Skip Sheffield?

Skip Sheffield: Yip Yip! This is a catchphrase, Josh!

Mathews: Skip, I have literally nothing I want to ask you. You may leave.

So he does, right into John Morrison, who is still selling the effects of being waylaid by Maryse earlier tonight. Morrison is about to tell skip how much he misses having catchphrases, but he gets attacked by nXt instead. Who were…apparently hiding in cardboard boxes this whole time. Solid Snake would be proud. What’s worse? Being beaten by Maryse or by Heath Slater? Don’t answer that. The guys dump Morrison’s lifeless body into a box and label it “To the Palace of Wisdom.” Well, at least they’re sending him home!

(ads)

The Miz vs. Mark Henry

Speaking of the Palace of Wisdom, here’s it’s former majordomo, The Miz. He’s fighting Mark Henry, because Mark is in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. I’ll leave it up to you whether they were trying more to fill the black guy or fat guy quota more. The RAW GM made sure to send an e-mail booking this match and tagged with the legendary catch phrase, “Spin the Wheel! Make the Deal!” Wait, is Vader the GM? Maybe he’s dictating everything to Cheatum. Oh, God I hope that’s true. Miz immediately starts beating on Mark Henry with a trash can lid, making him easily the smartest man in WWE.

(ads)

William Regal, Primo Colon, Zack Ryder, and Doink the Clown vs. Santino Marella, Vladamir Kozlov, Goldust, and The Great Khali

I want to see Dashing Dustin Rhodes. Florence Henderson is out and immediately starts prancing around in Regal’s robe. Somewhere, Shawn Michaels is smiling. Really, they should’ve gotten Alice or Cousin Oliver. Those were the real stars of the show. Alice could get free meat whenever she wanted! When was the last time you could say that about anybody on this show? Sean Stasiak and Melina notwithstanding. What the hell was I talking about again? Oh. Right. Khali chops the hell out of Doink and then makes out with the old lady for the win.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Edge.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Edge. And Edge, you are the first person in weeks that might have something relevant to say. Please don’t disappoint me.

Edge: Josh, I hear voices in my head. They come to me. They understand. They talk to me.

Mathews: So you’re just going to recite theme song lyrics?

Edge: Nobody could stop me. Nobody could hold me. Ain’t nobody control me. Josh, I’m comin’! Like Tropicana, I’ve got the juice.

Mathews: You’re such a disappointment.

Edge: Weeeeeeeeell it’s the Big Show!

Elsewhere….

Sheamus: Fella, you look like you got hurt.

Evan Bourne: Yeah. I pretty much fall flat on my face from nine feet up every other day. I’m good. Why the hell are you showing concern anyway?

Sheamus: Wacky face turn?

Wade Barrett: Hey guys, what’s going on in here?

Sheamus: Evan was just saying how much he hates Jenifer Hudson!

David Otunga: That’s my girlfriend!

The Nexus beats up Evan and dumps him into the box too. What the hell is he going to do in the Palace of Wisdom? Teach Morrison how to do his move?

Sheamus: Wow. This guy is so stupid. I mean…how do you trust me? I mean, I’m a huge jerk who would Bicycle Kick my mum in the face if it meant calling my dad “fella.” It’s the finisher of champions, you guys.

Wade Barrett: I hate Ireland.

Skip Sheffield: SCREW YOU, LUCKY CHARMS!

Realizing he’s about to book himself a one-way ticket to John Morrison’s fantasy playground, Sheamus runs out the door.

Sheamus: You mean…heels don’t have to stick together?!

Tough Enough Jessie: Why are you asking me? I’m a face! WAAAAAAAH!

Sheamus: Where the hell did you come from?!

T.E. Jessie: Wisconsin! WAAAAAAAH!

(ads)

John Cena vs. nXt

Nexus tags in and out keeping John Cena guessing. Who will punch him next? Heath Slater? Justin Gabriel? He’ll never know or care who’s coming! Finally, Otunga and Barrett just keep trading tags because they’re the only ones Cena’s going to sell for anyway. But then he pops up and beats the crap out of Barrett anyway. Five Knuckle Shuffle for no reason on Barrett. Skip Sheffield breaks up the pin. Doesn’t that mean that he gets suspended? Oh no! What are we going to do without Skip Sheffield? Otunga manages to tag in during the confusion, and punches Cena, and Justin Gabriel hits his move (That’s His Move) off the top for the win. Wait…Did Justin Gabriel just pin John Cena? Really? Cena stands up like he didn’t just get beaten up enough to lose a match, and fights off nXt on his way to grab a chair. He should’ve just done this at the beginning! Nexus threatens to surround him again, but here’s Sheamus also with a chair. They get a few good shots on Otunga and Sheamus and Cena share a glance that says, “Hey, let’s become wacky tag team champions!”

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Sheamus and Cena take their newfound best friendship to new heights when they just decide to hug out their cage match. The RAW Money in the Bank Match is called off when Mark Henry accidentally eats all the ladders. And the new RAW GM hints as to his identity, and let’s just say it’s one more win…For the good guys!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
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RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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