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We're Not in China Anymore, Toto...

July 29, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: The Miz was just seconds away from not becoming WWE Champion. Sheamus learned what “DPS” stood for, and learned a macro for typing “Fella.” And if that wasn’t enough, John Cena revealed the absolute worst “Dream Team” in the history of our great sport. Maybe he’ll rectify that…TONIGHT!
(Opening Credits)

Hey! San Antonio! I wonder if Shawn Michaels is out in the concourse flipping burgers?

In the concourse….

Shawn Michaels: I still prefer this to having to wrestle Sheamus.

In the ring….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOOOOO!

<The Nexus> is out there,
Seeking to destroy us,
Soon there will be no,
WWE to employ us!

They’re clicking on boars,
And beating on Cena,
But the time has come,
Gonna drive them from the arena!

I’ve got the raps of Truth,
The Spear of Edge,
The slowmo of Morrison,
And Bret Hart’s pledge!

Let’s not forget about Jericho,
Or for some reason Khali!
Ok, I’ll admit it,
Nobody else would team with me!

But this team is the elite,
WWE Superstars represent,
One of the best of the past,
And the worst of the present!

So now I stand in this ring,
And my motives are clear,
We’re going to beat the nXt
Because THE CHAM-

Chris Jericho: Never try an inspirational rap ever again. Ever. EEEEEEeeeever. Because, like, for serious? I now have absolutely no desire now to beat the nXt.

Cena: But…but…I rapped it out for you!

Jericho: I’m going to officially fire you from being the team leader right now. You might hate nXt more. Hell, I only really wanted in this match because I’m pissed at The Legal Eagle Wade Barrett. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. You might be the worst leader in the history of mankind. There is not a single person not named Yoshi Tatsu or Evan Bourne, neither of whom you actually asked to be on this team, who would listen to anything you had to say.

Cena: So I guess we’ll just have to have a match for control of the team then! The Liontamers versus the Cenation! Jericho versus Cena for control of the worst team of WWE Superstars ever to face another horrible team of WWE Superstars!

Jericho: Um…that’s not happening until next week.

Cena: No, no! I don’t care what the GM says, we’re doing this tonight!

Jericho: No, it’s literally happening next week. The show’s already been taped.

Cena: So…next week happened tonight?

Jericho: Yeah. We’ll be in China next week, so-

Cena: So are we in China right now?

Jericho: No. Not until next week.


Cena slaps the microphone out of Jericho’s hand.

Cena: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.

Jericho: Honestly though, I really do think I hate you more than the nXt. Darren Young is just like a cuter version of you, and who can really hate The Legal Eagle?

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. All it says is, “Yip! Yip! This is a catchphrase!”


Randy Orton vs. Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy Uso and Tamina)

Sheamus is at ringside, lest somebody stray close enough for him to call them “Fella.“ That should just be his move now. I know that the Bicycle Kick is the Finisher of Champions™ but calling someone “fella” is much more devastating. Everybody is distracted by the Uso’s sweater vests to start. They look really smart. About ten seconds into the match, Jey trips over his and falls over. Orton wins! Sheamus walks into the ring to call Orton “fella” but he trips and falls over the Uso’s bodies. Orton wins again! The Miz comes out to cash in his Money in the Bank shot, but he trips over the pile of bodies slowly developing in the ring. Orton wins again! Again!


Edge: I mean, can a girl get a salad here? I hate <The Nexus> as much as the next guy, but holy crap! The Great Khali? R-Truth? John Morrison?! How in the hell did I end up on Team Superstars?

Ted DiBiase: I really don’t care about you or anything you’re saying right now.

Maryse: Ted, let’s go swimming in a pool of imported Swiss chocolate!

DiBiase: Oh you! You’re just so…expensive….

Edge: Unbelievable. I’d still rather have Maryse on the team than Khali though.

Indian Eric Bischoff: I’ve been standing here the whole time, you know. Can you believe the nerve of this guy?

Tough Enough Jessie: I want to go swimming in chocolate! WAAAAAAAAH!


Miz and Sheamus are still in the ring, trying to steal some sweater vests.

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW GM. You’re teaming up tonight to take on John Cena and Chris Jericho. And if you don’t like it, then you’re not cool. Spits apple.


Edge: Hello? Lita? Hey! How are you doing? It’s Edge! Nobody around here will listen to me anymore. Everybody’s just…swimming in cho…hello? Are you still there? Must’ve been a bad connection.

Indian Eric Bischoff: Or maybe even Lita hates you. Khali, this guy says you should be off the Summerslam team.


Edge: What’s he saying?

Indian Bischoff: He’s agreeing with you. He thinks Maryse would be a better member of team Superstars.

Edge: See? That’s what I’m saying! Great Khali, you really understand me.


Edge: Uh?

Indian Bischoff: The Great Khali humbly asks if you’ll make a pool of chocolate for him to swim in.


The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff) vs. Edge

Michael Cole is commentating with himself because Jerry “” Lawler is booked for a match in a couple minutes, and apparently WWE Diva Josh Mathews is getting his nails done. Seriously though, Indian Eric Bischoff is right there. Why not just have him do it? I’m guessing that this means that Edge wasn’t able to make the Swiss Chocolate Bath happen for Khali though. A minute in the nXt rolls out and Edge and WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson immediately bail. Aw, come on lil’ Naitch! I thought you had more guts than that! You wrestled that woman that one time! The nXt just feels bad for Khali though, so they pat him on the back and let him go.

Backstage, the terrifying team of The Hart Dynasty, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, Jerry “” Lawler, Yoshi Tatsu, and Goldust ponder how WWE managed to put together an even worse team than Cena‘s.


The Hart Dynasty, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, Jerry “” Lawler, Yoshi Tatsu, and Goldust (w/ Natalya) vs. The nXt
In an Elimination Match

Yoshi Tatsu is somehow eliminated before his team even makes it to the ring. Oh well. It’s been a long road since that big Wrestlemania DVD match, eh. The nXt guys tag in and out efficiently, showing the great amount of experience they have over the other guys, although, to be honest, I think the Hart Bourne stable would be way more awesome. <The Nexus> is so in control, in fact, that when Justin Gabriel gets overwhelmed by the powerful Jerry “” Lawler, everybody acts shocked and pulls him out of the ring. Oh come on, you knew full well that Lawler was going to get his.


Hilariously, Jerry was eliminated during the break by Heath Slater, who I don’t even think was paying attention. Way to keep yourself over, though, Jerry. Shouldn’t Michael Cole or Justin Roberts be in this match anyway? I mean, I know you’re not going to get Steamboat, but please. Heath Slater also gets a pin on the Canadian Bulldog, because he’s clearly the best worker on either team. Goldust comes in, much to the delight of the eight people who still remember Goldust is on this show, and immediately is floored by David Otunga’s mention that he has a child with Oscar winning actress Jennifer Hudson! That’s his move! Skip Sheffield finishes Mark Henry off with a clothesline (seriously? I’m disappointed in everyone), and then he does the same to Tyson Kidd who had been backflipping around the ring this whole time. Evan Bourne just starts running around the ring punching everything that moves, but Wade Barrett hits him with the Legal Eagle (that’s his move!) for the win.

Wade Barrett: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you beat a team of guys who couldn’t buy their way onto Monday Night RAW and an old announcer. Which proves, I think, that we’re really onto something with this whole nXt thing, and there’s no way we lose to Cena’s D-Team at Summerfest.

Skip Sheffield: Yip-

Barrett: No!

Michael Tarver: Mmmn Fnna! nFm iff gamma dfffty mmm!


Sheamus: Look, give it up, fella. You might as well give that briefcase to somebody who can actually use it, because you’re never going to be able to cash it in on me.

The Miz: I’ll have you know that nobody uses this briefcase more than I would! I keep my collection of jaunty hats in here, some candy bars in case I get hungry, about fifty pages of documents so that I can sit at the airport and look busy and nobody will bother me at the airport, and-

Sheamus grabs the briefcase and throws it down the hall.

Sheamus: Maybe one of the rats will become WWE Champion before you!

Shawn Michaels: Hey! SOME people are trying to cook over here! And not get mentioned on that Health Inspection list, ok?


Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Alicia Fox (w/ Jillian Hall)

Nikki and Brie switch spots, but nobody cares. We’re on a tight deadline here people! We’ve got to pack a whole next week plus a tour of China in yet tonight. Really, I wonder if whichever Bella Twin got that pelvic tattoo regrets it now that her whole job is to basically wear skimpy outfits and pretend to be her sister every ten minutes. This match doesn’t even go that long, as it ended somewhere during the sentence “Nikki and Brie switch spots, but nobody cares.” Jillian tries to sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic to commemorate Alicia’s valiant win, but she gets an Axe Kick to the throat instead.


Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) vs. John Morrison

R-Truth is at ringside just in case Maryse still wants that chocolate bath. Hiyoooooo! I’ll be here literally until next week. Try the veal. It’s made from baby cows. Just like Maryse’s shoes and Morrison’s abs. Morrison misses his move (That’s His Move!). It’s pretty sad when we’ve gotten to the point where we actually making that part of the match, Mr. Nitro. We’re walking where Billy Kidman has trod now. Morrison and Truth accidentally collide on the outside, which opens up a lane for DiBiase to roll Morrison up for the win. After the match, R-Truth is all, “What’s up?” and John Morrison is all, “The roof of the building.” And R-Truth is like, “Oh.” John Cena is backstage looking perplexed at this action.


Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask you, aren’t you glad you’re in the WWE Title Match and away from all this Team Cena/nXt garbage for now?

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the JAPW Gril’s Chocolatechip. And John, I feel pretty grape being here blackstage with you and away from <The Nibblets> .

Mathews: I meant in general, but you know what? I’m cool with that answer. You may leave. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the rest of my nails done.

The Mi-


The Miz and Sheamus vs. John Cena and Chris Jericho

Rare is the day when we get two hilariously mismatched tag teams in one match. In fact, it starts off with Miz, Sheamus, Cena, and Jericho all bitching at each other because none of them want to start this match. They settle on Miz versus Cena, because Sheamus does not care about winning. Sheamus does finally tag in, though, and the rats are backstage watching the monitor, waiting for their opportunity to win the title. Miz rolls his eyes at all this, and we’re going to go ahead and take a break.


When we come back, Miz and Sheamus are finally playing nice. Sheamus mostly because if Miz eats the pinfall here, Sheamus can call him “fella” and Miz mostly because he’s hoping Sheamus will help him take out the rats later so he can get his collection of hats back. Sheamus hasn’t even tried for the Bicycle Kick yet. It’s the Finisher of Champions, Sheamus! I know it’s no calling somebody “fella” but still. Jericho gets sick of all this crap, and hits Cena with a Codebreaker. Miz grabs the win. Jericho and Cena ignore that and trade submission holds until The Great Khali comes out to be the voice of reason. Of course? While “AAAAAAGH!” is pretty convincing, Edge comes out and Spears him anyway. Morrison and Truth, hilariously, run all the way out to the ring together JUST so they can argue with each other out with everybody else. Like, you didn’t have enough room backstage to fight each other, guys? Khali just gets sick of this crap and chops everybody in the face and walks out. Truly, he is the greatest amongst them.

Next Week: It will be this week again, so it’s just all this same crap. Plus we’ll be in China, only we’re not. Thank God we won’t be in Chyna. I’m just saying. Also, the rats cash in their Money in the Bank contract and win the WWE Spinin’ Title, which immediately becomes the best ride at San Antonio RatWorld.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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