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RAW SATIRE    
I'd Rather Be in China

August 5, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: John Cena and Chris Jericho fought over what week it actually was. Plus, <The Nexus> made their first foray into the Ruby Sanctum, to fight whatever corrupted dragon is living in that place these days. And Sheamus gave The Miz’ title shot away to a Bunch of Mice. A fatal error. Will it cost him…TONIGHT?!?

 

(Opening Credits)

Huh. We're still in San Antonio. Look, it’s not that I hate San Antonio, it’s just… I wouldn’t want to spend two weeks there, you know? Anyway, here’s Edge, coming to the ring, live from last week.

 

Edge: Haha! Now you have to listen to me because you’ve all been trapped here since last week. John Cena won’t listen to me, Lita won’t listen to me, but you will! I will now tell you why Team RAW sucks and should just give up this ghost right now. The Great Khali? Not as good a wrestler as Maryse. R-Truth? Is R-Truth. John Morrison? Career highlight was buying an Ab Abber 2000. Chris Jericho? Would rather be throwing things off a building than doing anything resembling wrestling. Bret Hart? A topless genie golem who should just stay at home and frown at his TV some more. And then there’s John Cena. Don’t get me started on that guy. But I digress. Right now, I’d like to challenge the “Legal Eagle” Wade Barrett to a match.

R-Truth: What’s up?

Edge: If the next words out of your mouth are that you have a Bananarama in your pants, I’m afraid that I’m just going to have to kick you right in the Bananarama.

Truth: Um…er…What’s up?

Edge: Ok, you know what? I can’t do this any more. I cannot share a segment with R-Truth.

Truth: Wade Barrett’s totally going to beat you up, dude. Have fun with that. Because soon the nXt is going to win, and we’ll all be out of jobs.

Edge: God…what sense does that make?! Everybody keeps saying that, but stop and think for a second. If nXt destroys WWE, then they are out of jobs too! Again! All they’re doing is establishing themselves as a stable. Just like has happened eight billion times before in professional wrestling and will happen eight billion times again! They’re not trying to destroy RAW!

Truth: Even I hate you.

Edge: AAAAARGH!

Michael Cole: I have here an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. It says, “Edge! I am the WWE Monday Night RAW General Manager and I’m coming to GET YOU! HAAHAAHAHAHA” and then there’s a bunch of ASCII worms.

Truth: What could it mean?!

(ads)

Edge vs. Wade Barrett

Sure enough, <The Nexus> is trying to get some work done before server maintenance hits, so they’re not at ringside with their guild leader. Edge and Barrett go back and forth for a while, while I admire Wade’s uncanny resemblance to Sam Eagle. Sam must be rolling over in his grave to think that this upstart immigrant is stealing his spotlight. Or he would if he wasn’t still alive and running for Governor in Arizona. Actually, a GIS for “Legal Eagle” says that it’s a plane, so I’m not sure what Jericho was going for there. The nXt runs out, and Edge bails while Barrett strokes his beak thoughtfully.

(ads)

Backstage…

Edge: John Cena! John Cena! You ignorant jerk! Why didn’t you come out there and help me, even though I said that I hated you and didn’t want anybody to come out and help me. Wait a minute….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! YOOOOO-

Edge: You know what? Never mind. I quit the team. I hate all of you with every fiber of my being and I could not care less if you lose to nXt. In fact, I hope you all lose, because maybe then you will actually have to go to FCW and learn how to wrestle. As for me? To be honest, I’d rather not get my Summerslam paycheck than hang around any of you for another day.

Cena: Aw.

Chris Jericho: See? See? What did I tell you about your stupid inspirational raps earlier tonight last week? All they did was make Edge want to quit the team. How are we going to replace him, Huh? I mean, maybe Maryse will swoop in and save us, but I wouldn’t bet on it. God you’re dumb.

Cena: Um…Chris? Is it next week yet so that we can have our match to see who gets control of the team and who gets kicked off?

Jericho: No. But yes.

Cena: Great! I always beat you. I’m going to go get some crayons and sketch out Cenation T-shirts for us to wear. And by us I mean us, but not you. Ok? Then I’m going to film a series of inspirational battle raps for everybody on the team. Too bad you’re leaving or you would have your own.

Jericho: Oh. Oh no. What ever will I do?

Elsewhere…..

John Morrison: So what do you say? Do you want to move into the Palace of Wisdom? I have a really nice guest house. Come on, move into the Turret of Acumen!

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Morrison: I…don’t know what that meant. Just start moving your stuff in. We’re going to be a hell of a team, you and I. Like Starsky and Hutch, Turner and Hooch, um…the cops from Mathnet!

Khali: MONDAY AND FRANKLY!!!!

Morrison: Yeah. Them too. Anyway, I’ve got to move off camera for a minute. Bye!

David Otunga: The Great Khali! Hey, what’s up, bro?

Khali: AAAAAAARGH!

Michael Tarver: Gmmm Kmmee! Mmy hmmm tmm Tmmd Dmmosm mm gdddda tmm ym stat!

Khali: AAAAARGH!

Otunga: Yeah? So…um…why don’t you let Ted DiBiase take your spot, and join <The Nexus>? You can smack a keyboard right? We could really use a Ret Pally.

Khali: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Otunga: Mike, do you understand a word this guy is saying?

Tarver: Nm-

Otunga: You know what? I don’t know what you’re saying either. Never mind.

(ads)

Eve Torres, Natalya, and Gail Kim vs. Tamina, Jillian Hall, and Alicia Fox

Remember when Alicia and Jillian were fighting last week earlier tonight, well…that’s all blown over, I guess. This match is pretty much a show piece to demonstrate that Tamina and Natalya still exist, and that Eve Torres really shouldn’t have been a Divas champion. Alicia with an Axe Kick on Natalya for the win. Back to being a valet! Hillariously, Alicia declares herself the best Divas champion of all time (a tremendous feat!), because she’s taken on all comers. Like…Eve. And…um…? Melina comes out and hits her move (That’s Her Move!) on Eve, managing somehow not to tear something or break anything. Nice try, Melina. Maybe next week.

Backstage, Sheamus calls a coffee maker “fella.” A rat peers around the corner at him.

(ads)

Sheamus vs. Goldust

How is this not for the WWE Spinnin’ Title? Goldust has earned his shot! Seriously though, the story of the match is that Goldust beat the crap out of Sheamus a couple times last year when they were in ECW, but now, Sheamus is getting a gigantic push, and calling people “fella” so he hits the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win in about ten seconds. After the match, he starts crying and saying that beating Goldust was always his dream. Mine is suplexing Dave Meltzer!

Backstage, Chris Jericho and John Cena play Connect Four. Shawn Michaels looks on sadly, and then remembers how much he hates both guys and re-retires in his mind.

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. John Cena

Way to wait for the main event, you guys. Cena’s already got his Cenation T-Shirts all done up. The crayon really is a nice touch, I must say. Jericho looks sort of depressed here. Mostly because his show Downfall doesn’t look like it’s coming back. And also because this match is pointless because it already happened last week, and he should be (and perhaps already is) in China right now. As opposed to being in Chyna, which he should be happy about, really.

(ads)

Despite Jericho hitting the Codebreaker, Cena still isn’t up to selling for the Walls of Jericho. Jericho settles for an elbow drop and missing the Lionsault at Cena. Cena goes up for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho turns that into another Walls which Cena doesn’t sell. An STFU later and Cena wins. After the match, Cena says that he still wants Jericho in the Cenation, because, quite frankly, Jericho’s pretty much the only legitimate wrestler on the team now. But that was kind of the point of Jericho wanting to leave in the first place, so he bails on the match. Maybe he can take a nice long nap instead of being on the PPV.

(ads)

Backstage….

Edge: Finally we’re off that stupid team Cena. Maybe we’ll get lucky and nXt will take out Cena and without Hunter we’ll finally be running this brand.

Jericho: Ugh, you know, I’m not sure why we’re talking right now. I mean, I kind of hate you. You know that right? We’re not best friends.

Edge: Come on, man! I need a friend! You need a friend! Don’t leave me hanging here!

Jericho: I’m so glad I’m in China right now instead of here listening to you.

Michael Cole: Guys, I just got an e-mail from the general manager. He says we should all be in China right now. Then it says “INDEED.”

Jericho: Shouldn’t you be down commentating?

Cole: I’ve been sitting next to Jerry Lawler for four hours. What do you think?

Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy I don’t know what your deal is, and I don’t really want to know. But I’ll probably be future endevoured if I don’t ask you a question, so…How about this Bret Favre thing? Huh?

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the MMA Girl’s Chocolatechip. John, I can’t wait to take on The Mint to fight. He may have won the Monkey on the Brink breedcase, but I will beater him and Shameless to become the new Spurnin’ Chimp!

Mathews: That’s really great, Randy. I totally agree with whatever you said.

(ads)

John Cena is in a new movie. Danny Glover is too old to be in crap like this.

Somewhere, Shawn Michaels Superkicks a mouse and, after looking around, quietly adds it to his Chicken Finger fry. That’s one of God’s creatures, Shawn!

The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff) vs. Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse)

Khali is in control for most of the match, but he keeps getting distracted by Maryse at ringside. Nobody can blame him though, so DiBiase keeps letting him back into the match. A couple minutes in, <The Nexus> runs out. DiBiase freaks out and tells Maryse to run away, which is confusing on so many levels. He’s barely done anything to piss the nXt off, they’re probably not going to attack a girl, and he’s a heel, so isn’t he supposed to be waving her in front of him for protection? Isn’t she his bodyguard anyway? Geez. Virgil was right. Anyway, the nXt is just out there to buy cotton candy, so the whole point is moot. Khali chops DiBiase in the head for the win.

(ads)

Somewhere….

The Bella Twins: Hey look! It’s Marky Mark! Rap a song for us, Mark.

Mark Wahlberg: How you two doin’? Say hi to your mother for me.

Will Ferrell: That’s creepy and hot. Both you and the twins. So, what are the chances this movie about us being crazy cops relaunches my flailing career?

Marky Mark: About as good as me playing John Cena in “The Crappy Wrestler.”

Ferrell: So pretty good then?

Marky Mark: Let me give it to you like this. Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! YO! No.

Bellas: We’re not going to see this movie. Just so you guys know.

The Miz vs. Randy Orton

Miz, by the way, has his briefcase back, so that’s good. He needs to put his hat collection somewhere. Actually, I hope he has enough space in there to make it his carry-on, because he’s, like, a week late for the big China tour. And people thought Mickie James knew how to hold up an international tour. Sheamus comes out, no doubt to call both these losers fellas.

(ads)

Orton with a CHINLOCK~! out of the break. I want to tell him that faces don’t get to do CHINLOCK~!s, but at the same time, I don’t think I could break his heart like that. Then, Miz hits a CHINLOCK~! too, which is kind of rubbing it in Randy’s face. Miz takes control of the match, which is still hilarious for a lot of different reasons, but Orton fights his way back out. Sheamus is totally asleep at the announce table right now. Dreaming of fellas. That’s…not quite what I meant. But still. Pretty much exactly what I meant. Miz spins around for a while until he falls over. Orton wins! After the match, somebody wakes up Sheamus, but he just keeps sitting at ringside chewing on mouse fillets while Orton writhes around in the ring. This is the best ending for an episode of RAW in ten years.

Next Week: The gang is back from China, and they’re still hungry. Also, <The Nexus> prepares for the coming Cataclysm by beating the crap out of Yoshi Tatsu again. And The Miz tries to cash in his Money in the Bank Title shot, and accidentally wins the Ring of Honor title.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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