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RAW SATIRE    
Bret Hart: Leader of Men, Stander of Ring Aprons

August 12, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: WWE was in China, so the wrestlers didn’t even try to do anything of any note. Chris Jericho quit the Cenation, I guess, but that’s not exactly news, they hate each other. Oh, and Marky Mark was there. I don’t know, maybe something interesting will happen…TONIGHT!

 

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Bret Hart who doesn’t really look to be in any better shape than when we saw him last, but he’s wearing a Batman T-Shirt, so maybe hiding under all those layers of old stroke victim there’s Adam West-like strength and agility.
 

Bret Hart: You guys, I completely forgot about the match at Summerfest. I’ve been sitting around my house for the last two weeks eating sandwiches and playing Final Fantasy XIII, and I knew there was something I was supposed to be doing, but I figured it was just that topless genie convention I went to last weekend, but turns out I have a match at Summerfest? Which is on Sunday? And I’m supposed to be the key to defeating <The Nexus>? So I fired up my old internet machine, logged myself into Prodigy, and checked out the clips of RAW, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed. My team sucks. And everybody quit, I guess? So I can’t help but think I made the wrong decision trying to come back. Again. But more importantly, I want to implore my fellow Canadians Chris Jericho and Edge to come back and wrestle for Team Cena! We need you guys to beat nXt so we can all stop worrying about them and go back do doing normal things like playing Playstation and eating sandwiches.

Chris Jericho: Buddy, I may not be a topless genie, but I was a professional game show host for a couple weeks, so I know when a guy is full of it and when he’s not, and you’re full of it! Look at you, “Oh, please help me, Chris Jericho! You’re our only hope!”

Bret: You do realize that if you don’t come back, that neither nXt nor the rest of the RAW locker room will like you.

Jericho: Nobody likes me now, I don’t see how that’s relevant. Look, tonight, Edge and I have a match against you and Cena, and you know what? I can’t friggin’ wait. Ever since Stew called me a pretty little garden gnome, I’ve been waiting to beat the hell out of a member of the Hart family. And since Diana’s not available, I’m going to break your legs.

Edge: Wait wait wait. Let me get this straight, Bret. If I rejoin Team Cena, the “Cenation” if you will, then people will like me again? I’ll have friends?

Bret: Well…that was more intended for Jericho….

Edge starts to cry, and tries to kick Bret in the gut, but he can’t see through the tears, so he just ends up getting tripped instead. Jericho clearly doesn’t want to be involved in this mess, but he can’t help himself, so he pokes Bret in the eye. He’s been waiting years to do that! Natalya comes out, but not to make the save, she’s out to convince Bret to come backstage with her. Well, that’s kind of creepy. Oh. Wait.

Backstage, the nXt is beating the hell out of The Hart Dynasty. Who are apparently still tag team champions. Who knew!

Wade Barrett: Natalya, sweetie, if you think old man Bret there is going to help you save these two from a 7-on-2 beat down, I think you should just pack it in.

(ads)

Backstage….

Tyson Kidd: Ow! My everything!

Bret Hart: Doctor, can you fix him? This guy owes me, like, fifteen bucks, and I intend to collect.

Tough Enough Jessie: For the last time, I’m not a doctor! I just said that I watched an episode of House one time! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Kidd: Give it to me straight, doc, am I going to make it?

T.E. Jessie: I don’t think you have Lupus….

Kidd: Oh, thank God!

T.E. Jessie: But you might have breast cancer in your knee.

Bret: Damn! Damn you, nXt!

David Hart Smith: Ow! A little help? Why is every body ignoring me?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! YOOOO! YOO-

Bret: Not now, John. Tyson has knee breast cancer.

Cena: I’m so sorry. Is it terminal?

T.E. Jessie: No, I’ll have miraculously cured it by the end of the episode unless it teaches us all a valuable lesson about morality.

The Miz vs. Evan Bourne

Evan Bourne will join the Cenation, John! He’ll fight nXt with you! No? Well…ok then. Does anyone even remember that Miz has the U.S. Title? He should start putting it in the briefcase so that everybody forgets. He’d have to take some jaunty hats out first though. And probably some leftover mice. Bourne does just about the best move ever, when he jumps backwards without really looking and lands on top of Miz’ head, but then he has no clue what to do when he gets up there, so Miz just hits his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. That’s not going to win you any points with the Cenation, Evan. After the match, Miz grabs a mic and says that Sunday is the day he’s going to cash in the Money in the Bank Briefcase. No! Really! For serious this time! Well…thanks for letting Randy and Sheamus know, dude.

Backstage, John Cena is singing “California Gurls” with The Great Khali.

(ads)

Melina vs. Alicia Fox

Alicia Fox takes on all comers (in a non-title match)! Edge should get back together with her. That’s really what he’s missing right now is a girl who can give him advice, be his friend, and get a salad. He hasn’t been the same since ol’ whatsherface left. Jeff Hardy. Cole and Lawler spend the entire match arguing with each other about what Melina’s next career threatening injury is going to be. Then she sort of just drops Alicia on her head for the win. Well…That’s about what I expected from Melina’s return to be honest with you. At least she isn’t Eve Torres.

(ads)

At the announce table….

Michael Cole: No, I swear, Jerry! The RAW General manager is a beautiful blonde Russian woman, and if I send money to help her family, she’s going to fly to America to be my loving bride! It’s so simple, and she only needs $50,000.

Jerry “” Lawler: I don’t know, Michael. What about your wife?

Cole: Screw her. My wife isn’t the RAW General Manager. Unless she is!

Cole stares at his computer in shock.

Lawler: So did the GM send any pics?

Meanwhile….

Edge: You know what? I don’t need you. Jeff Hardy. Now there was a girl who could get a salad. It was full of methamphetamines and was actually just a bowl of weed, but at least he made the effort.

Chris Jericho: I can’t wait until I get to quit again. Seriously.

Edge: Ok, here’s the deal. You and I are like cockroaches. Think about all the stupid stuff we’ve survived. Austin and Rock beating us up every week. The WCW merger. Hogan. Katie Vick. Basically everything involving Hornswoggle or Shannon Moore. We’ve been pretty lucky. So I say we just sit back, let the whole nXt thing sort itself out, and then show back up like we always do.

Jericho: Um…that’s exactly the plan we’ve been following for the last three weeks.

Edge: But with a twist! If that fails, I got us both World of Warcraft trial accounts.

Jericho: Brilliant! Sort of!

Elsewhere….

John Morrison: No, you cannot live in the Turret of Acumen. I just needed a giant up there to guard all the good judgment I’ve got stored up there.

R-Truth: What’s up?

Morrison: Ron, man, we’ve been talking here for the past hour.

Truth: Yeah, but you still haven’t told me what’s up.

Mark Henry: Out of my way, boys. I’m going to take out Ted DiBiase, Maryse, and <The Nexus> by myself and prove to everybody why I should be in the Cenation!

Truth: You should probably give him some of that good judgement so he doesn’t get himself killed.

Morrison: Are you kidding me? I’m not wasting it on Mark frigging Henry.

Truth: Well, it’s not like you’re using it.

Elsewhere, <The Nexus> is too busy downing Patchwerk to care.

(ads)

Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) vs. Mark Henry

DiBiase and Maryse come down to the ring, get in, and then leave, because even they know what’s going on here. Thanks for showing up tonight, though, guys! The nXt appears at ringside, like so many Stacker 2 Bees and immediately assaults Henry, bringing the big man to his knees. This really isn’t all that different than taking down Patchwerk, really. Then they club him with the ring steps and run away, which I don’t really remember from that fight, but whatever. Watch out for slimes, guys! I think Mark might not make it to Summerfest.

Backstage, Sheamus is calling somebody “Fella.”

(ads)

And now he’s in the ring. The magic of televison!

Sheamus: Mark Henry, everybody! Give him a hand. Oh, you guys. I’m facing Randy Orton this weekend and Summerfest, and let me tell you something. That guy’s a total fella. I mean, if anybody should be called the Legend Kill Guy around here it’s ol’ Sheamus. I’m better looking, I’m the holder of the WWE Championship, and I’ve ended the careers of Triple H and probably Goldust. I don’t know.

Randy Orton: Shameless! It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan truth Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the ECW Girl’s Chocolatechip. And you, Shameless, you aren’t not no Legend Kill Guy! Triopoly H? Goldilocks? I’ve endered more careers in the past favre seconds than you’ll end in a lifeline.

Sheamus: God, won’t somebody tell this fella to actually speak English?!

Orton: Shameless, you’re pretty sheamus. Comering out here, calling me feta, when all you are is a sacred little boy trapped in a pale, whipped body. Nobodies takes you spuriously! Nobodies cares what you do every Monkey Night!

Sheamus: People do too take me spuriously! I mean-

Orton: But Ranky Q. Morgan? The Legend Kill Guy? Peoples watch my marches, they buy my mercantile! They even follow-up my Titter. You can finder me on there @RickyMorton. What’s your Titter, Shameless?!

Sheamus: Everybody knows only fellas have Twitter accounts, Randy. And Sheamus is no fella. I swear, if you lose at Summerfest, you’d better the hell never get a shot at me for at least a few months. I’ve seen a lot of fellas in my time here, but I can’t understand what the hell your deal is.

Michael Cole: Ranky, Shameless, I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. He says that Sheamus is right, Orton’s a mess and if he loses Sunday that’s it for title matches for a long time. And anybody that interferes in the match on Sunday is going to get super duper suspended. By which we mean deported. And also this would be a great time for Sheamus to sneak attack Orton! OOOOOOOOOH WHAT A RUSH!

So the RAW GM is Rocko? Weird. My money was on Super Porky. Anyway, Sheamus chickens out, because nobody can hit Randy Orton from behind. I’m pretty sure there’d be a lawsuit and Jesse Jackson would show up to yell at people. So Orton attacks, Sheamus, because the voices in his head (Michael Cole) said that this would be a good time to sneak attack, Orton. Sheamus counters with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions), but it misses, and Orton counters that by doing a weird dance and then leaving the ring. Sheamus just looks like he’s given up at this point. He should’ve showed up at the TNA Pay Per View. He’s a former ECW Champion, after all! EC-Dub EC-Dub!

(ads)

Percy Watson, Lucky Cannon, and Kaval vs. Husky Harris, Michael McGillicutty, and Alex Riley

No idea who any of these guys are, so I’m sorry. Ok, fine, I know who Lo-ki is. Sheamus is still wandering around ringside, by the way, wondering why the hell he didn’t go to TNA’s Hardcore Justice so that he could beat up Tommy Dreamer again. Kaval could probably give him a million reasons not to go to TNA, but he’s too busy learning from wrestling legends Michelle McCool and Layla El. Kaval gets the tag and jumps around the ring for a while, clearly he learned that from Michelle. Then Husky punches him in the back of the head and jumps on him for the win. He learned that from Layla. Sheamus with the Bicycle Kick to all of them after the match. The Finisher of Champions! Those poor guys.

Backstage, John Morrison and R-Truth are still arguing about what he’s going to do with all the good judgment stores he has. Man, I had that same problem when I played Oregon Trail.

(ads)

Zack Ryder and William Regal vs. R-Truth and John Morrison

Ah yes. The immortal team of Zack Ryder and William Regal. Brought together by their shared vampiric heritage. Of course, Zack is the glow in the sunlight kind, so William hates him so much, but at least they have more in common than Truth and Morrison, who can only agree on wanting to know what’s up with Bananarama in their pants. Morrison beats the hell out of Ryder, but Regal breaks it up. Truth comes in and has a rather intense discussion about What’s Up with Regal, and Morrison misses his move at Ryder (That’s His Move!) for the win.

Backstage, The Bella Twins are playing with pool noodles. No comment.

(ads)

Jillian Hall and Maryse vs. Eve Torres and Gail Kim vs. The Bella Twins
In a Summertime Spectacular Match with Special Guest Referees Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov

Stage two of Vladamir and Santino’s buddy comedy act, I guess. “Attractive women fighting over them.” There’s a inflatable slide down to the ring, which is cute. They should let the guys do it too! The girls, hilariously, are wearing more clothes in their bathing suits than they normally wear in the ring gear. Welcome to a PG rated world, I guess? I guess they’re nice swimsuits though. Maryse gets caught in an inner tube for some reason, and Gail kicks her in the face. But while all that’s happening, the Bellas pin Jillian for the win. No idea what happened to Eve, but I guess I don’t care. Tamina comes out and grabs Santino’s ass. Ok?

Backstage, The Great Khali is lumbering around, when nXt comes out and whacks him with keyboards. Guys! Hey! Those WoW keyboards don’t grow on trees! Then they wrap him up in USB cords and roll him out of the building.

(ads)

Now, nXt is in the ring. The magic of portals!

Wade Barrett: So I guess that means that I beat The Great Khali. A real high point in my career for sure.

Skip Sheffield: Yip-

Barrett: No, Skip. No. Guys, we’re going to beat down anybody who tries to join the Cenation like they were Ricky Steamboat.

David Otunga: Yeah, haven’t you seen what we did to Vince McMahon? Or Mark Henry? Or Great Khali? Joining the Cenation is like not dating Jennifer Hudson. It doesn’t make sense.

Barrett: Yes. That’s the message we’re trying to send, David.

Backstage….

The Miz: So I know you’re wondering if I’ll help you on Sunday.

John Cena: I was…not really wondering that. You’d be a worse addition to the team than R-Truth. Which, admittedly, was not my most sound decision.

Miz: Aw, come on!

Bret Hart: Miz, just tell us. Are you with us? Or are you against us?

Zack Ryder: Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Hart: Nobody asked you.

Miz: Can’t I be, like, Switzerland? I just wanted somebody to ask me what side I’m on.

Cena: No! No neutrality any more! Just PICK A TEAM!

Miz: Fine! Edward.

Ryder: Yes! I knew it!

(ads)

Justin Long just cashed in all his crazy Mac money and bought RAW from Florence Henderson. What a waste.

Backstage…

Tough Enough Jessie: It turns out you just had a sliver.

Tyson Kidd: I’m saved!

David Hart Smith: What about me?!

T.E. Jessie: Sorry, I accidentally took out your liver. You’ve got about four more minutes.

Jey Uso: Did somebody say…Four Minutes?!

Edge and Chris Jericho vs. John Cena and Bret Hart
With <The Nexus> As Lumberjacks

Edge and Jericho take turns rolling Cena outside so that nXt can take shots at him. Which is pretty fun. It’s kind of like really awful bowling. Finally, though, they get bored with beating up Cena (How?! How could you get bored of that?) and decide to start taking cheap shots at Jericho and Edge instead. Bret Hart sees his opportunity to whine about what a martyr he is passing him by, so he rolls outside and starts picking a fight with everything that moves. That’s as fast as I’ve seen him move in years. R-Truth and Morrison come out to ringside to help out, while Edge and Jericho sneak away. Jericho clearly isn’t relishing the idea of jobbing to Skip Sheffield, but Edge convinces him that, at the very least, hanging out in a match with the likes of R-Truth and Justin Gabriel will make them seem like even bigger stars, which can only mean good things for Edge’s shampoo career and Fozzy. So they run back to the ring, only to find that the show’s been over for a good twenty minutes. Well…whatever. That guy sweeping up seems pretty jazzed that they came back.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Team Cenation disbands moments after the show starts when they all collectively realize that they don’t really care about nXt. Lucky Cannon is grilled for hours on his relationship with former WWE All Star Palmer Cannon. Also, Sheamus calls Orton “fella” and Orton is so depressed that he falls over. Orton wins!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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