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RAW SATIRE    
Universes Collide~!

August 19, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Daniel Bryan returned from a high school gym to help the Cenation defeat The nXt. Also, some girl beat another girl for the WWE Girl’s championship. And Sheamus called Orton a “fella.” Who will be the fella…TONIGHT!?!

  

(Opening Credits)

Fresh off his huge victory, where he took seven guys who have been around forever, and beat up seven guys who were wrestling G-Rilla six months ago, John Cena is celebrating in the ring.
 

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOO! YOOOOOOOOO!

Summerfest was blowin’ up,
Nobody can correct us,
Team WWE, the Cenation,
Dominated <The Nexus>!

They’re stuck at level one,
We’re end game raiding,
Wade Barrett? Legal Eagle?
He’s just player hating!

He’s a lot like Snooki,
A little orange goblin,
Wait, I’m thinking of Tazz,
Tenay’s Batman and he’s Robin.

We’ve got Daniel Bryan,
Some Indie no-name guy,
He’s got a weird neck beard,
And chokes you with a neck tie!

Who do you have Nexus?
How about Dave Otunga?
So what he dates Jennifer Hudson,
She got old faster than Chumbawumba!

And who is Michael Tarver?
Some kind of Old West clown?
He should take his mask off,
So I can slap away his frown.

And how about Heath Slater,
That skinny red head chick,
Punk thought he was Hayley Williams,
Until he saw his…pants!

I don’t know Justin Gabriel,
Not enough to mock him,
But if he tries to add me on Facebook,
I’ll find a way to block him!

Hey Skip Sheffield!
I’m callin’ you out next,
I got a new catchphrase for you:
“Any cows wanna have sex?”

And last, but not least,
The Mighty Darren Young,
I’ve got nothing bad to say, man,
You are handsome and well hung.

So the choice last night was obvious,
The Cenation is without peer,
You unleashed this battle rap,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Wade Barrett: Darren, that’s not funny. We’re supposed to be out here cutting a promo about how that loss lat night totally didn’t count.

Darren Young: Sorry I’m late guys, what did I miss?

Barrett: Oh man, you mean we brought Cena out here to call us all idiots? We really are idiots. Skip, save us with your stupid catchphrase.

Skip Sheffield: Yip! Yip! Any cows wanna have sex?

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from our mystery general manager! It says that <The Nexus> will be taking on the Cenation again tonight, in singles and tag matches, and if any other member of the nXt interferes? They’re deported. It goes on to say, “Quoth the Raven, don’t buy our Pay Per View.”

Barrett: All right, guys. This is it. Lose tonight and you’re being busted back down to FCW to create nXt Orange and Black and learn how to wrestled.

David Otunga: Does that include you, Wade?

Barrett: Oh sure. Then we’ll have Michael Tarver and Skip Sheffield be the group’s spokesmen.

Michael Tarver: Tff nmm sm bdd!

Sheffield: Seriously? No cows?

Otunga: Hmph.

Barrett: Besides, if we keep it up at this rate we can forget about raiding and focus all our attention on heroic five mans and arena.

Cole: Another e-mail from the GM! It just says, “Seriously, you guys, it was terrible.”

(ads)

Wade Barrett vs. Chris Jericho

Aw…Student and Teacher collide! This is like that Karate Kid movie where Daniel-san kicked Mr. Miyagi’s dentures out and then stole his bonsai tree. Now that I think about it, that might have been Bryan Daniel-son. That jerk. Jericho goes for the Walls, but the Legal Eagle flaps out of it. Jericho looks kind of mad that he taught Wade everything he knows, including, apparently, the counters to all his moves. The Codebreaker is no exception, as Barrett just stands there while Jericho jumps onto his back, and then Wade hits him with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Really? Wade Barrett just won this match?

(ads)

Here are the new owners of RAW, Jason Sudeikis (best known as a terrible Joe Biden), Charlie Day (best known by four people for his turn on Luis), and Justin Long (best known for basically insuring that I’ll never buy an Apple computer). Let’s watch, shall we?

Jason Sudeikis: Local sports joke!

Crowd: Boo!

Sudeikis: That’s right. I went there.

Justin Long: So, here’s some guys. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go try to find Jonathan Hodgman and ask him to resurrect my career again.

Hey! These guys are the Hart Dynasty!

Tyson Kidd: Thanks, Mac. I-

Michael Cole: I’m not that sorry to interrupt, but I got an e-mail from the general manager. He says that he can’t see you guys behind all those belts, so he hired the same guy who designed the Divas Title. I really can wait to see what it looks like.

Here’s Bret Hart with the belts. They’re very…brown. They look like clockwork championship belts. I wish they’d just let them carry a bunch of belts around. That looks pretty awesome. This? Not so much.

Wade Barrett: Hey! Bret! Maybe you should retire again, because your opponent tonight is the mean, nasty…wait…does that say “Justin Gabriel?” Oh crap.

Justin Gabriel: That’s right! Hey, Bret, you’re going to face one thing you’ve never faced in your career! A guy from South Africa doing backflips! Be afraid!

Bret Hart: Actually, I wrestled Colonel DeBeers once. Guy did a hell of a backflip.

Gabriel: Awwww!

Barrett: This…is not turning out as well for us as I’d hoped.

Charlie Day: So what was the point of this again? And when do I get to meet the Bella Twins?

(ads)

Michael Tarver vs. Daniel Bryan

I hope Bryan busts out a rap here, and finds some weird way to work in Ring of Honor. Then again, I think he should choke Tarver out with his handkerchief, so maybe I’m not the best guy to be giving him career advice at this point. Michael Cole, even after all these months, is still unclear about the meaning of the word “vegan.” Doesn’t he know that being vegan gives you super powers? Even Lawler is sick of Cole’s ranting. Michael, think about that. It’s time to take stock. The Miz and Alex Riley come out, and Bryan has no idea who Riley is, so he ends up getting hit with a roll-up (That’s Probably His Move!). Tarver wins! Tarver holds Bryan down while Miz whaps poor Dan with the briefcase. WWE and nXt aren’t supposed to be friends! God, you guys, pay attention to your storyline!

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with The Miz and Alex Riley.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with The Miz and some other guy. And Miz, I specifically have to ask you because I have no idea who this other dude is, why did you attack Daniel Bryan?

The Miz: This WWE United States Title isn’t going to lose itself, Josh.

Mathews: Huh?

Miz: Just kidding. I remembered the last time he was here, he kept annoying me on NXT when all I was trying to do was get him over by setting myself up as the foil for his scrappy underdog personality. And how does he repay me? He turns heel for no reason, starts playing World of Warcraft and then he gets fired for beating up Justin Roberts. What a waste of my time and talents.

Alex Riley: But it’s ok. I’m your best friend, and together we’re going to the top of NXT Season Two. And we’re going to rock this joint, because I’m the next WWE star. Right?

Miz: Shut up and go feed my dog.

Elsewhere….

Darren Young: Can I fight John Cena?

David Otunga: Hahahahahahaha! No. Well…yes. But seriously? No.

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Justin Gabriel

You’ll remember not, like, ten minutes ago, everybody was really excited to see Bret Hart in this match. Justin Gabriel even got off half of a catchphrase. But during the last commercial break, everybody kind of realized that Bret is still just an old, topless, crippled genie, and probably shouldn’t be wrestling a guy who is just learning how to do an armbar. Orton beats the crap out of Justin for two minutes, until Sheamus wanders down the entrance ramp. Orton is so excited to finally see somebody anywhere near his level, that he runs straight out of the ring, past Sheamus, and backstage. Gabriel wins by countout. But really, he loses, because Sheamus calls him a “total fella.” Causing Gabriel to fall over. Orton…wins? I don’t know. Sheamus trips over Gabriel and falls too. Orton wins again!

(ads)

Skip Sheffield and David Otunga vs. John Morrison and R-Truth

I could really get behind the team of Sheffield and Otunga. Mostly because that means I wouldn’t have to see as much of their matches. Hiyoooo. Seriously though, what a random team. It’s hard to handicap this match, because the nXt guys are both terrible, but on the other hand…R-Truth. Sheffield sets up the Clothesline from Hell and hits Morrison for the win. That’s His Move! If they’re going full Bradshaw with Skip, though, I wish they would give him the mid-90s Bradshaw Mustache. That was bad ass.

(ads)

Gail Kim, Eve Torres and Melina vs. Jillian Hall, Maryse, and Alicia Fox

Jon Lovitz is in the crowd, apparently not aware that he no longer owns RAW. We’re really just knocking matches out tonight, aren’t we? Screw storyline development! We’re like friggin’ Ring of Honor here. Woo! So which one of these is Team WWE and which is Team nXt? See, this is what I mean. How am I supposed to follow the storyline if I don’t know which girls are hot for John Cena? At least I know Morrison is. Anyway, it’s always fun to watch Eve Torres dropkick nothing in particular while Jillian Hall sells away. A couple minutes in and all semblance of “tagging” or “having a match” are out the window. Jillian hits a Powerbomb on Eve out of nowhere for the win. Sure!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Edge.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Edge. And Edge, I’ve got to ask you, have you finally made friends here in the locker room?

Edge: Josh, I think it’s fair to say that this girl has finally gotten her salad. I can’t wait to put the past behind me and win one for my team tonight! Who am I facing? Heath Slater? If I lose to that dude, you can tell all my friends that I said they were all hopeless jerks and pour battery acid all over my salad. This is going to be a cakewalk.

Heath Slater: Chris Tian told me that you wear Gummi Bear jammies.

Edge: THAT WAS OUR SECRET! GODDAMMIT!

Mathews: Gummi Bears? Really?

Edge: YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE!

Mathews: I was always more of a Tailspin kind of guy.

(ads)

Edge vs. Heath Slater

Edge is still freaking out in the ring, allowing Heath Slater to get more offense than ever. Poor Edge. I go commando. Bionic Commando, that is. The pajamas have a little extendo arm, that…why am I telling you this? I can’t wait until this thing is over so they can reunite the Christian Slater tag team. Now there’s a team name with some potential. And a potential guest host. He’s not doing anything these days, right? The crowd is chanting, “Wendy’s Sucks!” Which isn’t very nice. I kind of like Wendy’s. I suppose when you have In and Out you can afford to be snobby about your fast food choices, eh? Edge can’t take it any more, and he just leaves. Slater wins! I would…avoid ordering the salad tonight.

(ads)

Backstage….

Justin Long: Hi, I’m a Mac.

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Justin Long: You know, PC, Macs can edit video, process music, and even play three of the most popular computer games out there today without any viruses? How about you?

Khali: PLAY BLU RAY!

Ranjin Singh: Hi, I’m Linux.

Long: Get out of here, nerd.

Khali: EVERYBODY HATES YOU!

Charlie Day: Oh! Oh! Can I be an Apple II GS? I can run Oregon Trail! Or…a text version of Lemonade Stand! Ooooooh!

Jason Sudeikis: And I’m DOS Shell. Organizing files with me is a breeze!

Long: No…you guys, the whole poi-

The Bella Twins: We’re iPods!

Long: That’s not even…You’re hot though. Creepy, but hot.

Day: Finally!

Elsewhere, John Cena is contemplating the morality of destroying oneself.

(ads)

John Cena vs. Darren Young

So how are we going to tell who the winner is? <The Nexus> is out on stage, curiously able to put aside this week’s weekly raid for the moment to focus on Darren Young’s big match. But Malygos Must Die! Isn’t that why you guys joined forces in the first place? I’m so disappointed and disillusioned right now. A lot of back and forth action in this one, which you would expect when a guy faces his clone, I guess. But still. They go to the outside, but Cena manages to be smart enough not to get counted out, and rolls through Young in short order, wrapping him in the STF for the win. I think. Or else Darren Young just beat John Cena with his own move. My TV shows everything in sepia and fuchsia, so I can’t tell them apart. nXt runs down to the ring, and waits patiently for Cena to stop dancing around like a jackass and leave. That was uncommonly nice of them! Then they beat the hell out of Darren Young, including hitting all their moves (Those Were Their Moves!), leaving the poor guy a quivering mass of flesh, waiting to be scrapped up and sent to FCW for more “seasoning” with G-Rilla. Or else all that just happened to John Cena.

Nope, he would’ve gotten up by now and slapped them all. Poor Darren Young.

Next Week: <The Nexus> misses their big chance to take down Malygos and has to settle for running Razuvious. Again. But will there be too many PUGs? Also, Edge tries to befriend a pair of iPods. And Sheamus actually appears for more than ten seconds, calls somebody “fella.”

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
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RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
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RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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