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Tetris and Chex Mix: All a Fella Needs

August 26, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: <The Nexus> won all the time, except when they didn’t. And they excised Darren Young or possibly John Cena from the group. Also, we should get about ten seconds with Sheamus to do something vaguely title related…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Speaking of the Sheamus, here’s that fella right now. What’s on the ol’ agenda, Sheam-wow?

Sheamus: Hey there! I’m really ticked off that I haven’t gotten any TV time the past couple months. Who’s in the main event? John Cena and the nXt. What about ol’ Sheamus? I’m the WWE Spinnin’ Champion, not those fellas! It’s Sheamus time! I’m tired of fighting all these fatties who do nothing but take steroids and vote for Linda McMahon. I’m tired of fighting Randy Orton every friggin’ week like I have nothing better to do. So, hey, RAW General Manager whoever, at least find somebody else, ok?

Michael Cole: I got an e-mail from the RAW GM, but it’s all in Punjabi and I can’t read it. Here’s a throne though, you get to sit out here all night and watch the matches.

Sheamus: That fella! I have to watch the whole damn show? The worst punishment. Ah well. At least I get to be on the show. Somebody get me a haggis.


Edge vs. R-Truth

Neither Edge nor Truth are a haggis. Well…Whatever’s going on with Truth’s hair might be haggis related. I would not put it past him. Sheamus, however, has moved on to snacking on some blood pudding, which is just plain gross. Whoever invented that deserves a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) to the face. Truth hits a couple moves, and then basically just gives up and lets Edge hit him with the Spear for the win. After the match, Edge asks Sheamus for a salad, then, upon seeing the blood pudding, bails on the whole thing entirely.

Cody Rhodes is on a non-WWE TV show, and even he looks pretty confused about it.


Chris Jericho vs. The Great Khali

Sheamus has officially given up on watching the matches and is currently playing Peggle on his iPhone. Well, he made it through one match, which is more than I can say for say, myself. Khali with the Vice Grip on Jericho, but Jericho gets into the ropes to break things up. He gets all the way up for the Codebreaker, which is impressive, but Khali just stands through it. Uh-oh. It’s one thing when Wade Barrett does that, but when Khali pulls it off? It’s time to find a new finisher. Jericho then goes for the Walls, which he also gets. Which is pretty impressive, and Khali taps, mostly because he’s shocked that Jericho actually got the move locked in, I think.

Chris Jericho: I just wanted to say that this whole thing is pointless. Sheamus, you’re not even going to wrestle any one of us. We’re having a stupid six way match at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents Night of Champions. Also, this isn’t even happening tonight. We’re all over in Bora Bora or whatever, so why don’t you just get off your stupid throne and we can all take the rest of the night off.

As if to punctuate the meaninglessness of the evening, The Great Khali stands back up and karate chops Jericho down.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John-


John Cena here on RAW,
Rappin’ for Daniel Bryan,
He’ll choke you with a tie,
Until you be cryin’!

What can nXt bring?
They kicked me out now,
Should I fear Skip Sheffield?
Dude wants to sex a cow!

Justin Gabriel, that jerk?
The guy is a failure,
John Cena’s the new pope,
Banning the vuvuzela!

Barrett’s the only one to fear,
And he’s got nothing on me,
The master of Apple Dough,
Gonna cause you to flee!

I’m taking on <The Nexus>
Sit back and grab a beer,
John Cena is coming,

Mathews: This interview was supposed to be about your match against The Miz.

Cena: Oh. That guy is a jerk.

Mathews: Great. You heard it here first.


Jillian Hall vs. Melina
For the WWE Diva’s Title

Jillian says that she’s ready to become a champion again. Err…Again? Oh, man, I have completely scrubbed any memory of Jillian Hall holding a title out of my mind. Thankfully. Cole and Lawler spend the entire match talking about the 900th episode of RAW, which is this week, but in true Jericho fashion, isn’t actually happening until next week. Wow, these girls aren’t particularly good. Which one is Sheamus going to pick to face? I think he’s asleep, actually. Melina with her move (That’s Her Move!) for the win. Afterwards, Layla and Michelle McCool appear on the Titantron and threaten to be on the show next week. Ugh. I don’t think I can take it.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with The Miz.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with The Miz. And Miz, I just want to let you know that this interview is about your match with John Cena later tonight.

The Miz: Of course it is. What am I, some kind of idiot?

Mathews: Well…No comment. So what are your thoughts about tonight’s match?

Miz: Really though, Daniel Bryan? That nerd over me for that match? I know they beat nXt, but I pretty much would’ve beaten them by myself if I was on the team. I can’t believe that stupid jerk. And we hired that jobber back for that match? And what does he do? Turn around and lose to Michael Tarver. God I hate wrestling sometimes.

Mathews: What does that have to do with your match against John Cena?

Miz: Nothing. That guy’s a jerk.

Mathews: Right. Anything to say about Sheamus?

Miz: I think that guy took one of my hats out of my briefcase. He’s a jerk too.

Mathews: I’m so, so glad I interviewed both of you tonight.


Sheamus is still asleep on his throne, when <The Nexus> hits the stage. Not literally, but…well, you know, I wouldn’t put it past some of them.

Wade Barrett: Hey, man. Wake up. We’re out here.

Sheamus: Wha…Is it next week yet? Jericho says it’s still last week. So…I guess it would be two weeks from now?

Barrett: I-

Michael Cole: Sorry to interrupt, you guys, but the RAW General Manager just sent an e-mail. It reads, “Hey yo! Wade Barrett can fight for a title again. Wait…did I take that ability away from him? Mang, I don’t even remember. Why am I still typing? One more win…for the good guys.”

Barrett: Now I can finally wrestle for a title again! If I wasn’t able to before! Sheamus, I’m taking you down!

Sheamus: Zzzzz….

Elsewhere, Miz and Cena are playing Peggle.


The Miz vs. John Cena

Sheamus has graduated to making Chex Mix. Oh man. Way, way better than haggis and blood pudding. Share some of that with me, dude. Cena and Miz are actually going back and forth pretty well here, which is nice. Remember when Miz and Cena was supposed to be the hot new feud on RAW? But then Cena basically ignored him for six months, and then beat the crap out of him for a while? Well…I don’t know where I was going with that, but remember that it happened? Good times. Anyway, our Chex Mix is done, so….


Michael Cole is spending this entire match basically crying that nobody will be his friend and that nobody e-mails him except for the RAW General manager, and most of the time he can’t understand what that guy is saying. You know, he should go spend a couple hours hugging it out with Edge. They really need each other. Cole can be the new Lita, all dressed in drapery and being ineffective at ringside. Cena and Miz trade finishers for a second, but the match is quickly interrupted by Daniel Bryan. Bryan punches Miz in the head, so Miz wins, but Cena gets the Attitude Adjustment and Bryan locks him in a Crossface. Cole is apoplectic. That’s probably why he doesn’t have any friends. Because he uses words like apoplectic. Somewhere, Evan Bourne is crying. This was supposed to be him.


Vladamir Kozlov and Santino Marella vs. The Usos (w/ Tamina)

I’ve got it. They’ll be on Santino’s Island. Santino’s Gilligan and Vlad is the Skipper, and they get stuck on an island where nobody watches their show or their matches. It’s a lot like things are right now, but it’s kind of like they get a little vacation, which would be nice. The Usos fight dirty for most of the match, but Vlad still hits Jey with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. After the match, Tamina sends the guys to the back and makes googly eyes at Santino before taking off herself. She obviously hasn’t talked to Beth or Maria. I think Sheamus might be in a coma. Should we get a doctor up there?


Sheamus is back up and standing on his throne now. I think he’s trying to get the beer vendor’s attention. If he’s looking to try to get drunk, he should’ve started at the beginning of the show.



Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) vs. John Morrison vs. Randy Orton

Sheamus is using the TitanTron for the third most awesome game of Tetris I’ve ever seen. Put the T in that hole! Put the T in that hole! No! Ugh. Hopeless. Sadly, there’s not as much tension between these three as you’d hope. After all, Morrison and DiBiase hate each other, and Orton and Ted’s issue goes all the way back to the heady days of The Lemony. And Orton and Morrison…um…can’t agree on whether or not Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is the best movie of the summer. Orton gets most of the offense, but Morrison has his moments. I don’t think Ted has successfully completed a single move tonight. And Maryse is up at the top of the ramp bitching about how Sheamus is playing. Morrison makes the mistake of looking at the TitanTron and collapses in a fit at Sheamus’ terrible play. Orton wins! DiBiase tries to run up the ramp to reclaim his girlfriend, but he slips on a puddle of blood pudding and falls over. Orton wins again!

At Tetris, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Sheamus.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Sheamus, and Sheamus, I have to ask you, how did you get so horrible at Tetris. Tetris of all things?

Sheamus: Josh, I’m lulled into a catatonic state by the delightful 8-bit Russian music.

Mathews: You know, I can actually buy that.

Sheamus: Whoever wrote this music is a real fella.


Zack Ryder vs. Sheamus
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Hahahaha because Zack Ryder is such a joke, am I right guys? Whoever his nXt guy was must be so embarrassed right now. Was it G-Rilla? To be fair, I could think of less competitive matches for Sheamus to have here. Maybe he could’ve finally given a title shot to WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. That guy has waited too long before his first WWE Spinnin’ Title opportunity. Anyway, Sheamus with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) right out of the gate for the win. Well…That’s one way to do it. Now Sheamus doesn’t have to defend the title for another month! Except for when Miz inevitably tries to cash in the briefcase. Again.

Sheamus: Now I don’t have to defend the title for another month! Except for when Miz inevitably tries to cash in the briefcase. Again. I’m not waiting for that fella, though. If you guys will excuse me, I’m going to go practice my Tetris skills.

Wade Barrett: Hey! I just remembered what I forgot earlier in the show! I have a title shot at the Pay Per View of my choice! And WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Night of Champions is a Pay Per View! And I choose it!

Michael Cole: Hey! I got an e-mail here from the RAW General Manager! It says, “Let me tell you something, brothers! Wade Barrett, dude, you’re right, brother. Night of Champions is a Pay Per View, dude, but you’re not the only one who’s going to get a title match, brother! It’s gonna be a six pack challenge with you, Sheamus, Jericho, Orton, Edge, and Cena, dude! Whatchu gonna do when General Managania runs wild on yooooou?”

Cole cups his hand to his ear. That doesn’t really seem fair to Wade. I mean, so much for his title shot, he could’ve gotten in this match anyway.

Barrett: This isn’t really fair to me. I mean, so much for my title shot, I could’ve gotten in this match anyway.

Well said, Wade. The other four guys take out Sheamus and Barrett, and then then trade finishers until they all have fallen over. Orton wins! And loses. But mostly wins!

Next Week: We’re finally back in the present and it’s the 900 (plus 1)th episode! Lay Cool has already vaguely threatened to waste our time. And we may, just maybe, get to see the six guys in tonight’s main event (minus Zack Ryder) in a match or matches of some sort. I don’t know!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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