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RAW SATIRE    
The RAW General Manager EXPOSED~!
(And then: DEPOSED~!)

September 30, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: John Cena basically already ended <The Nexus>. Chris Jericho basically ended his career by not ending his career. And Edge started a feud fewd with a computer and Michael Cole. Who will he feud with…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

The Miz and Alex Riley vs. Daniel Bryan and John Morrison

 
Miz comes out bitching that he has to face Daniel Bryan every week. Even Alex Riley seems like he’s sick of it, and he’s only been around for a month. Bryan is still riding with the valkyries. I want him to start teaming with R-Truth. What rap would he come up with? Where will the Bananarama end up? What will Daniel Bryan be like when he gets crunk? Why am I way more interested in that than whatever is going on in this match? Miz pushes Daniel-san out of the ring and hits his move on Morri-san for the win. That’s His Move! After the match, Riley and Miz continue their assault on Bryan until Morrison lazily wanders back to the ring. Where the hell has he been?
 


Michael Cole: E-mail from the RAW General Manager. He says that I can’t act all crazy anymore and he wants to suck my blood.

Daniel Bryan: So nothing about us then?

Cole: Don’t you talk to me.

The Miz: Nothing about a three way submissions match between me, Daniel, and Morrison for the U.S. Title at the Pay Per View?

Alex Riley: Hey! What about me?

Cole: Nope. Nothing about that or whoever this other guy is.

John Morrison: Boy it’s a good thing Miz and I know submission moves. Like…um…there’s…the….

Miz: Wet Willy?

Morrison: Miz! Geez. What we did in the Palace of Wisdom is just between us!

Backstage, the Divas are holding a summit on what to do about the mosque in New York.

(ads)

Melina vs. Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres vs. Jillian Hall vs. Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella vs. Tamina vs. Maryse vs. Gail Kim vs. Natalya vs. Melina
For the Number One Contendership for the Undefined Divas Title

Melina is eliminated during the ring entrances. Thanks for coming back! Michelle McCool and Layla El are also down at ringside watching on, though Michelle seems a little distracted. Probably because her Step-Father-in-Law finally ate himself out of that box of oatmeal. I’ve lost track of who’s in this match, much less who has been eliminated. How about that girl’s nXt? That Alexis Laree sure is a hoot, huh? And the internet girl, with the gigantic thighs. Yeah. She sure is…something. Natalya throws Alicia through the TitanTron and apparently won the match. Layla and Michelle look like they’re…not even paying attention right now.

A video package of John Cena doing promotion for Legendary would be much less depressing if it wasn’t him just sitting in an empty room frowning.

(ads)

Backstage….

Maryse: If you’re still in love with moi and not this mystery woman, then why aren’t you ever my valet? I could’ve used you out there!

Ted DiBiase: Listen, I’m a dude. Dudes don’t valet for girls. Even girls as mean and bitchy as you.

Maryse: Well maybe girls as mean and bitchy as me don’t valet for guys as stupid and pigheaded as you.

DiBiase: Fair enough. Oh, hey! Look! A letter taped to our door!

Maryse: Why do you have your own locker room by the way?

DiBiase: Shut up. Here’s a letter! It says, “You’d never have to valet for me!” Haha! I’m generically attractive enough for two women!

In the ring….

Sheamus: Let me tell you fellas an old Irish parable. There once was a girl from Dublin, and I kicked her in the face. The Finisher of Champions! So seriously, has anybody even seen Triple H lately? I dropped by his office the other day, but it was just wall to wall cat toys, baby blankets, and posters of late 90s popstar Sarah McLachlan. That could be you, Randy Orton! That could be you!

(ads)

Sheamus vs. The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff)

I don’t know, I’ve always thought of Randy as more of a dog person. A tiny, yappy dog person. Michael Cole is, apparently, trying to get himself fired now, because he’s doing nothing but talk about Mick Foley and “Countdown to Lockdown” which is, of course, the book where he bitches about Vince McMahon, quits, and goes to TNA. Sheamus whacks Khali with a chair in honor of Foley for the DQ. Then Sheamus nails two Bicycle Kicks (The Finishers of Champions!) for good measure.

(ads)

Edge is in the ring for the Cutting Edge with…a computer.

Edge: Mysterious RAW General Manager, I hate you. Why don’t you just tell us who you are.

The Computer: I can’t do that Edge.

Edge: Holy crap! The RAW GM is Stephen Hawking!

Computer: Aliens are going to kill us all, Edge.

Edge: Don’t you realize how stupid and played out this thing has gotten? Jericho and I are the only ones who even care anymore! Well, I guess Cole probably cares.

Michael Cole: Nope! Have you even been paying attention lately?

Computer: That’s funny, Edge, because nobody’s cared about you for five years. Can a girl get a salad here, am I right?

Edge: Dammit! I will not be talked down to by a computer! Who are you anyway?! At least tell me that! Steve Austin? The Rock? Lita? Betty White?! Oh, God. You know what? I bet you’re Kanye West! Interrupting people in the middle of segments and autotuning your voice is so last year! Get out here so I can finally punch you in the face.

Computer: Don’t hate, yo!

Edge: Ugh. I’m going to go get Jericho. He’ll know what to do.

Computer: Seriously? Jericho doesn’t know anything about computers. Have you ever even met the guy?

Edge: Shut up, computer!

Computer: I’m a computer and I’m Awesome!

(ads)

Edge vs. John Cena

<The Nexus> is backstage watching Dancing with the Stars. Anything rather than watch these two clash for the 900th time. Hey! That’s a pretty important milestone. The Computer is watching the match intensely. That’s kind of weird. Don’t be such a creeper, Computer. We’re not thirty seconds into the match, and Cena has already gone for the Attitude Adjustment and the STFU. Does he have somewhere to be today? Geez. I guess so, because at five minutes Edge gets the Spear and the win. But wait! The Computer reverses WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton’s decision, because John Cena is never supposed to lose. So Cena rolls his eyes, gets back into the ring and locks in an STFU for the win. After the match, Edge rolls out to ringside.

The Computer: Edge, no. Do not touch the computer. Michael, beat him up.

Cole just looks sadly at the computer. Edge with the SPEAR TO THE COMPUTER~! That’s His Move! Then he takes a chair and breaks the screen. Well. That settles it. He broke the only laptop that WWE owns. No more General Manager! WOOOOOO!

(ads)

Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel vs. Evan Bourne and Mark Henry

Michael Cole is beside himself now. That computer was the source of all his power. Now all he has left is his gong. Cole gongs sadly to start the match. The story of the match is that Mark Henry is strong and fat, so he spends most of the match outside the ring watching the other guys doing backflips. Bourn hits his move (That’s His Move) on Gabriel, but Heath rolls them both over and the nXt gets the win. After the match, the rest of the team rolls out and dumps Henry too. Give these guys a mic for some reason!

Wade Barrett: I can’t wait for WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Hell in a Cell! We’re going to beat up John Cena and then we’re going to make him join us! Or…more likely…we’re going to disband and I’ll stay on RAW while you guys slum it in FCW!

David Otunga: Don’t forget to watch Smackdown this week on SyFy! We’re going to be there so that people you actually know will be on the show. Plus, I’m dating Jennifer Hudson!

Michael Tarver: Mmmn! I hnt thh SmmFff nmtgtk. I mnn Shhktpss? Cmmn!

Barrett: Keep it to yourself, Tarver! Anyway, enjoy the rest of Brewfest.

Man, I’m never going to get that Kodo. Anyway, Dashing Cody Rhodes is dashing through the backstage area, trying to find his partner. Maybe he’s getting beat up by his tiny wife again!

(ads)

The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. Dashing Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Cole is still in a rut at ringside. He’s mumbling something about how he’s sorry that he made fun of the Harts last week, because Natalya’s not so bad. Well, that’s kind of him. The story of the match is that both Drew and Cody are pretty terrible, but the Harts are somehow even worse, so Cody and Drew are going to win. The end comes when everybody just sort of mills around the ring for a couple minutes until Cody bumps into the Canadian Bulldog and hits Cross Rhodes. Is that His Move? BANK ON IT! After the match, The Harts don’t look to happy with each other, but they’ll forget about it by next week because they’re not important enough!

(ads)

Backstage….

R-Truth: What’s up?

John Cena: Don’t you have a new catchphrase?

Truth: Yeah, but I can’t just walk up to people and say, “Get Crunk!” That’s just a good way to get arrested.

Cena: Well. Whatever. I’m just sitting back here thinking about what I’m going to do after I drive nXt back to Florida. Maybe film a new terrible movie?

Truth: Well, whatever you decide, I’ve got your back. You’re the closest thing I have to a friend, and you’re also the closest thing to a black guy on the RAW roster.

Mark Henry: Hey!

Darren Young: Hello? Black John Cena here. I mean…come on!

Truth: Like I said.

Cena: You want to perform a rap duet to Daniel Bryan’s music?

Truth: Do I ever!

In the ring….

Chris Jericho: No! Seriously! I’ve won lots of matches in my career! I beat…you know…Vilanos I, III, V, and VII, Esse Rios, Stone Man Still Austinberg, and…well, no, I never beat Konan, but…I…Dean Malenko? I think? And-

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho’s still trying to come up with people he’s beaten. Just give it up, man. Ralphus and La Parka aren’t going to cut it. Although, La Parka was pretty awesome in his time. I don’t know why WWE didn’t steal that for Cody Rhodes’ new gimmick. Remember when Randy Orton had actually beaten so few people that he had a T-shirt listing all the people who he’d beaten? That was awesome. I really missed out on the “Randy Orton: Legend Kill Guy Tour” shirt time. Both guys go to the outside and argue about who gets the hard drive from Cole’s laptop. Jericho needs to work his computer magic so he can figure out who the GM is before it’s too late!

(ads)

It’s already too late isn’t it? Sheamus wanders out, prompting Michael Cole to note that this is “just like that one time where Mick Foley walked out during another person’s match.” Does Cole owe Mick money or something? Finishers on Parade ends when Randy slides through a Walls of Jericho and Chris is leaning too far forward and falls over. Orton wins! Sheamus gets into the ring and tries to go for the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) but Orton’s already left. Sheamus frowns and leaves, and then Orton comes back to kick Jericho in the head. That’s the move that killed John Cena’s Dad! Are we still supposed to pretend it’s a deadly finisher? I guess so because Jericho is being carried off under a sheet by medics. But…But…He never got to find out who the GM is!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Another PPV?! John Cena disbands <The Nexus> and then joins anyway. None of Daniel Bryan, The Miz, or John Morrison understand the rules of their match. And in the most epic Hell in a Cell Match ever (EVER) Natalya accidentally beats Kaval instead of Layla or Michelle.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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