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RAW SATIRE    
Goldust's Plan: 20 Years in the Making

October 7, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Nobody Watched as John Cena accidentally decided to join <The Nexus> when he installed World of Warcraft thinking it was a Japanese Hentai game. Also, Randy Orton beat Sheamus in the most inspired Hell in a Cell match since that one with Rikishi in it. And Edge continued his epic feud with inanimate objects, which will no doubt proceed…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)
 

It’s the nXt including new member John Cena. What ever will they have to say?

Wade Barrett: First of all, I’d just like to tell Michael McGillicutty and Husky Harris to go away. Those are not real names. If you get some real names, then maybe you can join. Also, I’d like to personally apologize to Jack Swagger. I know my performance as your Legal Eagle mascot has been a bit lackluster, but I promise that we’ll get Edge next time.
 


Justin Gabriel: Wait, how come you get to do something outside of nXt? How is that fair to the rest of us?

Barrett: David gets to sleep with Jennifer Hudson!

David Otunga: That’s true! I do!

Gabriel: Oh fine.

Heath Slater: Anyway, welcome to our newest member, John Cena! John, would you like to read from that piece of paper that says a bunch of stupid things that we wrote down?

Barrett: Remember that, while we can’t technically or legally make you do any of this stuff or join our club, you have to do it or the kids watching won’t learn anything about consiquences.

John Cena: Well, if it’s for the kids….Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOO-

Barrett: No rapping.

Cena: Ugh. Um…Milk. Eggs. A straw for milk and eggs.

Michael Tarver: Thft mm sppin lft!

Cena: Oh. Sorry. Ok, here it is. I, John Cena, am officially a member of <The Nexus>. I will show up on time for “raids” and will not roll on anything unless it’s an upgrade for my main spec unless everyone passes then I may roll on offspec or to shard…I don’t get what any of this means, Wade.

Barrett: Never mind, just go to page five and start with paragraph three.

Cena: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I am a heel now. Sort of. As for my fans? You are all a bunch of women and babies. Well, that’s not exactly untrue, I guess.

Barrett: Great! Good job. Now you’ve got your first match against Mark Henry and Evan Bourne! Who would you like as your partner?

Cena: No face.

Tarver: Mm mnn!

Barrett: Good old no face. Ok, I’m going to go backstage and pretend like anything that happened in this segment is in any way enforceable at all.

John Cena and Michael Tarver vs. Evan Bourne and Mark Henry

Cena and Bourne shake hands to start. If I were Evan I’d be more pissed off. He was Cena’s best friend for, like, three weeks, and where did he end up? In a tag team with Mark Henry. What’s up with that, John Cena? Way to stick by your friends. Like Cryme Tyme. Or Yoshi Tatsu. Or a billion other people. R-Truth? That was just last week, John. Come on, what good are you?

(ads)

Tarver is in the match which doesn’t make any sense, really. Isn’t this supposed to be a punishment for Cena? What does Tarver care? He should just be sitting at ringside drinking eggs. Instead it’s Cena who bails on the match, dropping down to ringside and hanging out with some dudes that hate him, instead of haning out with this other dude that hates him. Tarver, of course, doesn’t appreciate this reversal of fortunes and starts screaming until Henry pins him. Mark Henry just snuck up on you. That…can’t feel good.

John Cena: Hahaha! Did you guys just see that! I’m a total jerk. None of what Wade Barrett said earlier tonight is legally enforceable at all. So you want me to wear a <The Nexus> armband? Cool. I’ll show you exactly what happens to people who are my friends.

Evan Bourne: Yeaaah. Thanks a lot, bro.

Then Cena punches Tarver and locks him in the STF. This angle just lets Cena go ahead and be a dick, so I support it 100%. Hey, an e-mail from the RAW GM! I guess he’s too cool to Skype with us any more.

Michael Cole: An e-mail from the RAW General Manager! John, I’m afraid to inform you that everything Wade Barrett says tonight is legally enforceable. If you don’t follow along and do everything <The Nexus> tells you to do, then you’re fired.

Cena: Ok. Great. I’ll just go to Ring of Honor then. They’ll love me there.

Cole: And no ring of honor. We’ll just send you down to Girl nXt. Yip Yip. This is a catchphrase.

John Cena ponders the meaning of all this for a minute, gets sort of excited about the prospect of working with Alexis Laree and Naked Internet Girl, and then realizes what working Girl nXt would do to his career, and he breaks down sobbing.

(ads)

Alicia Fox vs. Natalya

Alicia is lying on her back to start, so Natalya wins with a sharpshooter in five seconds. Thank God. I was wondering how we were going to get 50 shots of Cena looking forlorn in tonight.

(ads)

Well, good thing we had that intermission between commercial breaks. Hey, look everybody! The new owner of RAW, Johnny Knoxville!

Johnny Knoxville: This is finally it! I’ve been scraping together money for three years to buy Monday Night RAW. And now tonight, I finally make my triumphant return to get revenge on Totally Not Jamal for humiliating me all those years ago. Where is that guy? I’m going to show him what a Jackass can do.

Gail Kim: He…um…died.

Knoxville: WHAT?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?!

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?!

Melina: Yeah. Like, a while ago. Sorry, buddy. You missed your chance.

Knoxville: GODAMN IT! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?! First Heath Ledger now Totally Not Jamal.

Austin: Can I go? I have to appear on a TV show people actually watch.

Zack Ryder: Nobody watches Chuck either.

Then, Johnny Knoxville, in a haze of anger over having been denied his long wanted revenge over Umaga, replays a classic Jackass stunt, wherein he shoots Zack Ryder in the crotch with a pistol and then farts in his ear.

Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask, what are you going to do about this whole nXt thing? I mean, appearing on Internet Girls nXt is a fate worse than death! And I’m on that show!

John Cena: Josh, instead of answering that question, I’m going to get involved in a comical chase scene.

Then Cena runs through the door and proceeds to comically chase Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty through the hallway as Yakety Sax plays.

Wade Barrett: Oh Geez. Benny Hill was a dark period for my people, Josh. A dark period indeed.

Mathews: So, Wade, any plans for John Cena?

Barrett: I don’t really do “plans,” Josh. We’re just going to stumble on ahead and see what happens. I’m thinking of maybe making him wash my car or something. I don’t know.

(ads)

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus

Always a good sign when your reigning United States champion is standing doe eyed in the ring waiting for his opponent coming out of commercials. Sheamus then proceeds to literally walk into the ring, hit the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) and tug on Bryan’s neck beard until WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson calls for the DQ. Well…Bryan won the match! That certainly gives him a leg up. On something. Sheamus proceeds to call him “Fella” and then sort of just wanders out of the ring.

Backstage, Edge is kicking away at a potted plant. Oh, Edge. That’s how Rhyno ended up in TNA. Think this through.

(ads)

Edge is out with Michael Cole. Cole’s got the Lappy with him. Let’s see what these people have to say, shall we?

Edge: Can I just start off by saying how depressing you are Michael? You’re terrible now. And not even J.R. drunk on his pills terrible. Just plain awful. At first I thought you going off the deep end was kind of funny, but now it’s just sad and embarrassing

Michael Cole: The RAW GM just e-mailed and told you to shut up and leave me alone.

Edge: Liar! You didn’t even look at the computer screen.

Cole: Well, the RAW GM just traded you to Smackdown for a 3rd round draft pick.

Edge: That’s ridiculous. You have to stop making this stuff up.

Cole: And I’m getting all your T-Shirt money so I can start producing “Cole Miners” T-Shirts.

Edge: You should really make gloves.

The Miz: Hi, guys. Alex and I aren’t out here for any particular reason. I just got a little sick of not having been on this show yet tonight.

Alex Riley: Yo.

Edge: Did you see earlier tonight? Hahaha…How does it feel to have lost to Daniel Bryan, who earlier tonight just jobbed the hell out of that match to Sheamus?

Miz: How does it feel to be stuck on Smackdown with Jack Swagger and the Legal Eagle instead of on the one show wrestling fans actually watch every week?

Edge: I’m getting out-promo’d by Miz?! Can a girl get a salad here? Ugh!

Edge grabs the computer and whips it up the entrance ramp and Spears Riley. Poor Alex Riley. At least it isn’t Danielson this week. Edge isn’t paying attention anymore, so Miz gets his finisher. That’s His Move. Michael Cole quietly sneaks out of the ring, super glad that nobody noticed that the computer wasn’t even on during that whole segment.

Backstage….

Wade Barrett: Let’s face it, guys. Nobody ever understood what Mike was saying. Why he wore that stupid handkerchief all the time is beyond me. So, thanks for that, I guess, John. So, now you’re going to win the big battle royal for me tonight?

John Cena: Yes. There’s nothing I love more than losing battle royals. Is everybody else cool with losing the match?

David Otunga: Heeeeey…not really!

Barrett: David, do you think you’re going to win the title from Orton? I am literally the only one here who is going to have a match longer than two minutes against Orton.

Otunga: You have a point.

Justin Gabriel: Do Heath and I get any lines in this segment?

Barrett: No.

Heath Slater: Aw.

(ads)

The Bella Twins vs. Team LayCool

How much do team LayCool not even give a crap about this match? They wear headsets through the entire match, so they can do commentary while they wrestle. For Lawler this is a revelation, because now he doesn’t have to pretend to say things while he watches. Cole is kind of pissed though, because how is he going to verbally gong this match if he’s not the commentator? Unfortunately for Michelle, Layla gets so excited about commentary that she starts going on a riff about how to watch Girl’s nXt on WWE.com and while you’re there visit the Shopzone for hot deals on Cole Miners Gloves and she totally misses the Bellas rolling Michell up for the win. Hahahahaha. Awesome.

Backstage….

Johnny Knoxville: So this is sort of embarrassing, but I wasn’t even there when Steve-O and Chris Pontius got beat up by Totally Not Jamal. I was trying to be in actual movies or some crap. Man. Three years of my life completely wasted and all for nothing.

Maryse: Why are you telling me? I don’t care.

Ted DiBiase: Hey, Johnny Knoxville! Awesome! I’m a huge fan. Will you sign this mysterious letter I got last week?

DiBiase takes a step forward and gets whacked in the face with a board full of rusty razor blades. Classic Jackass!

Knoxville: Whoops.

(ads)

Knoxville, DiBiase, and Maryse are all in the ring now. This feud is too important to continue backstage!

Johnny Knoxville: Honestly, I was trying to whack Yoshi Tatsu.

Ted DiBiase: Kicking a guy while he’s down? Not cool. Take this guy out, Maryse.

Maryse: Ugh. Can’t you beat up some skinny stupid guy by yourself?

Goldust: Surprise! It’s Goldust!

Goldust hits his finisher on DiBiase. That’s His Move! He has a move! Mayrse is kind of turned on by this display, but Dustin just wants the Million Dollar Belt. Forget Johnny Knoxville waiting for three years to take out a dead guy who beat up his friends. Goldust’s been waiting almost two decades for another shot at the Million Dollar Belt!

Backstage…

John Cena: I actually sort of love being a heel. Now I can be a jerk full time instead of just to my friends.

David Otunga: I knew you would come around eventually. Do you want to hug the guy who hugs Jennifer Hudson?

Cena: Do I ever!

(ads)

Zack Ryder vs. Sheamus vs. Santino Marella vs. Vladamir Kozlov vs. Primo Colon vs. Evan Bourne vs. Mark Henry vs. Ted DiBiase vs. The Miz vs. William Regal vs. Tyson Kidd vs. David Hart Smith vs. John Morrison vs. R-Truth vs. Sheamus vs. Heath Slater vs. Justin Gabriel vs. David Otunga vs. Wade Barrett vs. John Cena
In a Battle Royal for the Number One Contendership for the WWE Spinnin’ Title

What, Primo can get into this match but Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu can’t. To sort of prove my point, Bourne and Regal are already out, and we’re not two sentences into this match. Yoshi would’ve lasted at least three sentences. Now he’d be out now. Most of the chaff is out now though. Cena dumps his new best friend Otunga which causes shock and horror in nXt, but Bourne is still hanging out at ringside giving them a “I tried to tell you” look. Somewhere, Cryme Tyme is wrestling G-Rilla right now. Both of them. Didn’t they break up?

(ads)

We come back during the match’s tea break. Regal got eliminated ten minutes ago, you guys. You don’t need to honor his memory. I don’t know of an owner that did less with this show than Knoxville. I think he just locked up when he found out that his life’s mission had been ended by a bunch of pills a year ago. That’s what you get for not following the news at Online Onslaught, Johnny. Or…a site that has news on it, I guess. Wre5tl3fanz.tripod.com or whatever. Does Tripod even exist any more? I’m really dating myself here. I think I’m going to take myself out for dinner and a movie this weekend. Everybody but Cena and Barrett are out now. Barrett gives Cena a wink, and John grabs himself by the hair and tosses himself. Barrett Wins! To celebrate, Randy Orton comes out and bobs for apples. Oooooh spooky!

Next Week: RAW blows their third round draft pick on a white running back from a Division II school. Oh, you guys! Also, everybody forgets about Goldust’s sudden surge back to relevance just like always. And Randy Orton and Wade Barrett argue about what the stupidest Halloween traditions are.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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