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RAW SATIRE    
Here's Hoping Alex Riley is an Exorcist

November 28, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The WWE Got the F back for a week, and things were really Fd up. Then Survivor Series happened and nothing changed. I don’t know. Call Mean Gene’s hotline if you want to know more.

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Wade Barrett! And <The Nexus>!
 

Wade Barrett: Hey, everybody. Shut up! I’m really starting to think that I’m never going to win the WWE Title. I mean, could the deck have been stacked any more in my favor? Sure, it was probably a mistake to befriend John Cena before Survivor Series, but I figured his friendship with Randy Orton would supersede that. But then Orton went and made him fall over and broke them up. So now what? When I came out of NXT to become leader of the nXt, I think we all figured I’d be WWE champion inside of a year. But now with John Cena as my friend? I won’t ever win the title.


Michael Cole: Just got a message from the RAW General Manager! Ehem. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Capital Letters, Yo Yo Yoooooooo!

No title for Wade,
Survivor Series was a mess,
John Cena’s not a referee,
He put you to the test.

You were his best friend,
So he set out to destroy you,
He’s the number one jerk,
He makes all his boys blue.

But the RAW GM is here,
He’s got <The Nexus>‘ back,
You get another title match,
One more chance to attack.

That match takes place tonight,
You have nothing to fear,
Barrett versus Orton,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Barrett: Yes. Well. On what I can only hope is a completely unrelated note, I’ve decided to have John Cena show up here tonight to give his farewell address. I don’t know why I’ve agreed to do that, but certainly nothing can go wrong. And I’ve been such a nice guy this whole time, it only makes sense. Right? …Right?

(ads)

Sheamus vs. R-Truth
In a King of the Ring Qualifying Match

Truth is back to wondering “What’s Up?” I guess that’s what happens when you get crunk too many times. CM Punk is now on commentary, apparently having pissed off WWE so much so many times, they’re forcing him to sit next to Michael Cole until he learns his lesson. Sheamus calls Truth “Fella” to start. That’s his move. Only gets a two though. Jerry “” Lawler doesn’t know how to talk over Punk yet, so he just starts muttering random phrases into his microphone. Cole in the meantime, has just shut up entirely. I’m starting to love CM Punk.

(ads)

Punk now decrying the act of getting crunk. Well, yeah. But let’s not forget about the dangers of finding out what’s up! I mean, you can get with this or you can get with that. *shudder* That’s not to mention the dangers of Bananarama in your pants. What’s up! What’s up! Truth with a roll-up which may or may not be His Move, probably not though, because Sheamus kicks out. Bicycle Kick to R-Truth. The Finisher of Champions. And then Sheamus does the Celtic Cross, which is surprisingly not something out of the Kama Sutra. I checked. Sheamus wins. When does he marry Kate Middleton?

Want to buy a John Cena DVD?! What do you mean “No”?

(ads)

Backstage….

Michelle McCool: Let us in!

Security Jones: No. RAW Superstars only, lady.

Layla El: Do you even know the difference?

Jones: Err….

McCool: We’re wrestlers, clearly! So how do you know if we’re RAW Superstars are not. Do you watch the shows?

Jones: Well…no. That is to say-

Layla: Let us in!

Jones: Try showing up on time to your own show if you really are RAW Superstars. Hey, blondie cakes, you know skinny and skinnier over here?

Natalya: You mean Smackdown’s Michelle McCool and Layla El? Nope.

Jones: Sorry, guys. I thought you were cool, but Aksana there say no.

Elsewhere….

Santino Marella: I can’t-a believe you-a think I’m-a the Iron Sheik-a to your-a Nikolai Volkov-a! I’m not-a nearly as insante-a as the Sheik-a! And you’re-a not nearly-a as over-a as Volkov!

Vladamir Kozlov: It’s not as bad as all that, Santino. Geez. I just know what he’s going through, because we’re both weird Russian sidekicks to hilarious ethnic stereotypes.

Santino: Well that-a makes me feel-a much better-a. Wait. No-a it doesn’t-a. You’re a terrible-a person, and I-a hate you-a!

Tamina: You don’t mean that, Santino. He doesn’t mean that, Vladamir. Now, I’m going to sing a “Don’t Stop Believin’” for eight hours straight.

Santino: I think-a I’m in-a love!

Then they make out. Well, not Kozlov. He just slowly slides off his chair until he’s off camera.

Elsewhereer, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask you, will you just lose the title to Wade Barrett so we can all just get on with our lives? Please?

Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and concurrent holster of the VHS Girl’s Chocolatechip. And John, for as long as I limp I will never give Wayne Banquet a typo. Joe Cedar refererefereed one help of a match last night at Surveyor’s Serious, and called it right down the middleton. To fight, I take Wayne down…FOR GOODS!

(ads)

Ezekial Jackson vs. Alex Riley
In a King of the Ring Qualifying Match

This was supposed to be Miz in this match, but he’s still backstage straightening his hair. CM Punk wastes no time ripping Riley for getting a DWI. I sort of figured Miz did all the driving. Apparently, Riley will give his slot to Miz if he wins. Which is great, because he’s not going to win. Because he’s Alex Riley. Though what, Zeke is going to do with a King of the Ring crown is beyond me. He doesn’t even have a silly accent! But he wins with his move (That’s His Move!).

Backstage, R-Truth, Eve Torres, Yoshi Tatsu, Gail Kim, and Santino Marella are chatting about how glad they are that John Cena got fired. John Cena, who is sitting right there, just smiles and thinks to himself that at least he isn’t R-Truth, Eve Torres, Yoshi Tatsu, Gail Kim, or Santino Marella.

(ads)

John Cena is out. Goodbye, John. We’re all going to miss you!

John Cena: You guys, you have no idea how sad it is for me to be leaving right now. Being fired by WWE via Wade Barrett was the worst thing to ever happen to me in my career. I mean, WWE fans hate my guts, how do you think the Ring of Honor people are going to take me? I’m going get eaten alive! Oh my God, you guys! I have the Internets! I know how this is going to go! I’mo going to show up, and ten seconds later some guy named “Jimmy” is going to shiv me. Haven’t I learned anything? I should’ve just given Barrett the title. What do I care? He’d be easier to beat than Orton anyway! And I’m friends with both guys! My jerk code wouldn’t have minded screwing either one of them over. But no. Stupid me. I got fired. Maybe I can go to TNA. Their particular brand of everybody turning on each other every ten seconds and fans fiendishly devoted to nothing in particular is perfect for me. I’ll have to go back home to West Blueberry and figure things out. Maybe punch Tha Trademarc or something. Yeah. Anyway, chant about how much you hate me!

Crowd: Cena sucks! Cena sucks!

Cena: Yeah. I’m gonna miss you guys, too. Oh, and Wade, I’m sorry, man. You’re really not a bad guy. You didn’t get a fair shake when I screwed you over, and I think you’ll probably have a nice career going forward because you can actually string more than one sentence together, and I know Billy Kidman is mad at me right now-

Backstage….

Billy Kidman: What the hell, dude?! Nobody’s supposed to know I’m here!

Dean Malenko: Here he is! I found him! You know you can’t sneak backstage anymore, Kidman. Nobody wants you here!

Kidman: Damn you, Cena!

Back in the ring….

Cena: -but I just want you all to know, that this last couple years has been the best prank of my life. That’s right. I love you all, and so I set out to give you the worst possible product every week, in the interest of pranking you SO hard. In the words of my mentor, the immortal Iron Sheik, I HEELING ON YOU! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then Cena walks backstage and the Entire RAW Lockerroom including about eight guys who I’ve never seen before and Tough Enough Jessie are there, cheering because they’re so happy that he got fired. And Paul London is there with a huge grin on his face until he’s tackled and beaten by Malenko. And Cena walks slowly, sadly out the door as the “Sad Theme from The Incredible Hulk” plays. And then Wade Barrett jumps into the camera shot and waves his hand like he’s four. Grow up, Wade.

(ads)

Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ Brie Bella)
In a King of the Ring Qualifying Match

Apparently Daniel-san found himself a girlfriend. That’s nice. CM Punk laughs, because in the span of the time it took Bryan to walk down to the ring with his new girlfriend, Punk has already dated, bedded, and broken up with five female wrestlers. He is now Jerry “” Lawler’s new best friend. Bryan rolls DiBiase into the LaBell lock for the win. After the match, Nikki Bella runs out to also have sex with Daniel, immediately making him both Punk and Lawler’s hero. But like any true nerd, Bryan locks up and runs away. Michael Cole is not impressed.

(ads)

Alicia Fox vs. Natalya

Sadly for Alicia, this is not for the WWE Undefined Diva’s Title. Punk and Lawler compare notes about the ladies. Oh, that’s going to get annoying after a while. I’ll be honest here, I completely forgot that Alicia Fox was even a person, so this match kind of took me by surprise. And I remember that she was pretty awful, and she’s not that awful here, so maybe this is somebody else entirely. Natalya grabs a Sharpshooter for the win. That’s just about everybody in her family’s move!

Backstage, John Morrison and Melina are trying to rekindle their romance. Somewhere, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” punches a wall.

(ads)

John Morrison vs. Tyson Kidd
In a King of the Ring Qualifying Match

…Wait. Really? Ok, seriously. I sort of understand what Morrison is doing here. He’s kind of the right fodder to lose in this type of tournament. But what in the hell has Tyson Kidd done…ever? He apparently qualified for the King of the Ring qualifiers by losing every tag match he’s been in for the last three months. Punk and Lawler are still comparing notes on which Divas they’d like to bang, which is nice. Morrison misses his move (That’s His Move) for the win.

(ads)

Randy Orton vs.-

Orton comes out towards the ring, and is immediately waylaid by <The Nexus>. In the midst of the beat down, referees and Dean Malenko pull the nXt guys off Randy, except for Husky Harris, because he’s TOO HUSKY TO BE CONTAINED!

(ads)

Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Orton will not surrender, even though he got Huskied. In turn, the RAW General Manager has banned <The Nexus> from ringside. Which is fine, because they have to go mourn Southshore and get ready for the Shattering. Now would be a great time for David Otunga to use the confusion of the new Azeroth to supplant Wade as the guild master. And something about wrestling. Barrett takes control early, but he’s attacked fairly quickly by John Cena, who can’t leave without one last dick move. nXt rushes out to run Cena off, which…weren’t they banned from ringside? Enforce some rules here, WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiiiike Chioda! Barrett gets back up, but falls over the fallen body of Justin Gabriel. Orton wins!

But wait…what’s this?!

The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. Randy Orton
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Oh man! It’s time for the Money in the Bank! For reals this time! Maybe. Miz takes control, but Orton fights back. Punk loves the idea of this, but he remembers this being a whole lot easier. In fact, Orton looks like he’s about to make Miz fall over, until Alex Riley yells, “Don’t fall over, Miz!” With that intense strategy in mind, Miz kicks Orton in the head for the win. Miz is the NEW WWE Spnnin’ Champion! He’s in tears. Alex Riley is yelling every swear word he knows into the camera. And Oh My God.

Some Demon Child watches on. Just…there…Staring. I think she’s the RAW General Manager.

Next Week: RAW General Manager Demon Girl books every man on the RAW Roster against Miz in title matches until he loses. John Cena returns and nobody remembers that he ever got fired. And <The Nexus> starts fighting about whose responsibility it was to watch Southshore.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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