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RAW SATIRE    
The Wrath of Demon Girl~!

December 2, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: John Cena celebrated being thrown off RAW by…appearing on RAW. Some Demonic Ten Year Old Girl won the hearts and minds of wrestling fans everywhere. And The Miz won the WWE Title in a reign that is sure to end soon, probably…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

  
Here’s Alex Riley, who’s out to admire the King of the Ring throne. Hey, you had your chance, bucko. Move along.

Alex Riley: Guys, I’m so happy right now! I’m like Buzz Lightyear walking on the moon! Nothing CM Punk can say about me can bring me down. You know why? Two words. Epic Mickey. Ok, that’s all I’ve got. Bye!

  


Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Daniel Bryan
In a King of the Ring Quarterfinal Match

Remember when this was on PPV? And then Mabel won, and everybody just kind of shrugged and said, “This is probably not the best use of our time.” But then Sir Mo made us feel a lot better about things. And that’s the meaning of Christmas. Or…Something. I always felt kind of bad for Sir Oscar. What the hell was the point of him? Other than they needed a guy with an O name. So I guess what I’m saying is that I want ADR to win so that Ricardo has to dress in hammer pants and rap.

(ads)

Del Rio with the CHINLOCK~! He’s the Mexican Randy Orton. Do you think he’s sad about losing the mask? I mean, at least he doesn’t look twelve like Rey, but lucha masks are badass. A suplexapalooza follows, most of which, I’m pretty sure they can’t do anymore. Wasn’t there something about dropping people on their necks or whatever? Well, I guess as long as it’s just these two it’s ok. Bryan gets whacked in the face, and Del Rio locks in the armbar for the win. Nice finisher, dude.

(ads)

Here’s R-Truth.

R-Truth: What’s up?! What’s up! Bananarama in your pants, what’s up! What’s up? You know what’s up? John Cena’s not here anymore. There’s nobody holding me down! I tried to get him to quit, to go out with a shred of dignity, but he wouldn’t. And now look at him. Out on his ass. That’s the greatest thing in the history of things. Anyway, now that I’m a huge WWE Superstar again, I’m going to take on <The Nexus> myself, so…anybody from nXt want to fight?

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with some guy.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with some guy. And guy, clearly you’re either in <The Nexus> or you’re a big fan. So why exactly am I interviewing you?

Michael McGillicutty: I’m Michael McGillicutty!

Mathews: Hi, Michael. I’m WWE Diva Josh Mathews.

McGillicutty: Curt Hennig’s son?

Mathews: Oh neat. It would’ve been really cool if your dad was on this show.

McGillicutty: Ugh. I’m challenging R-Truth!

Mathews: Well, I can only imagine he’ll be really disappointed when a real member of nXt didn’t accept his challenge.

Then a mysterious shadow falls over the pair and McGillicutty is knocked out. It’s King Haku come back to reclaim his throne! Viva La Revolution!

(ads)

Dashing Cody Rhodes vs. John Morrison
In a King of the Ring Quarterfinal Match

Cody's so named these days, of course, for the fact that he runs everywhere he goes. It gets a little old after a while. Punk says that he won the King of the Ring tournament in Rio, which coincidentally enough is where I won my first and only TNA Knockouts title. It’s a moment I’m not proud of. Cody runs the ropes to start. Eventually, though, he gets all tuckered out and Morrison kicks him in the face. Well, that gimmick isn’t going to work. Morrison knees Cody in the head for the win. That’s Not His Move!

(ads)

Drew McIntyre vs. Ezekiel Jackson
In a King of the Ring Quarterfinal Match

The crowd doesn’t know who to cheer for, so they all go grab popcorn at the same time. Drew doesn’t look any worse for wear now that his wife isn’t around to beat him anymore. Unfortunately, Zeke is and he starts clotheslining the crap out of Drew. I don’t think that’s quite how it went. Things get hilarious when Zeke and Drew tumble outside the ring, and McIntyre basically grabs his ankle and won’t let Zeke back into the ring, so they both get counted out. It’s so petty it’s awesome. Give the man the King of the Ring crown. He’s earned it. But wait. Did we seriously allot 3 hours to this, and we’re only doing one semifinal? Ugh.

Backstage, Daniel Bryan is wrapping up his sore arm.

Daniel Bryan: How in the hell did I lose to an armbar? Nigel is never going to let me live this down. So stupid.

Brie Bella: Hi, Daniel. Have you rethought our proposition?

Bryan: Uh…yeah…I like to have sex. With the ladies. Of which you are. Two ladies. I thought you and your sister always talked together.

Brie: We do. She’s saying this same thing, but she had to go to the bathroom.

In the bathroom….

Nikki Bella: So what do you say? Let’s go make out right now.

Natalya: I’ve always been more of a Brie person.

Back in the locker room….

Alex Riley: You guys are lame. You know what’s not lame? Epic Mickey for Wii. I can’t wait. I’m going to beat up Oswald the Rabbit so hard it’ll make his Trolley Troubles seem like nothing, am I right?

Bryan: What the hell are you talking about?

Riley: Never mind. Anyway, you guys aren’t invited to the Miz’ after show party. I am, though, because I’m his best friend. Too bad you weren’t his best friend on your season of NXT, am I right, Dan?

Bryan: Yeah. Wandering around the building and losing to people instead of Miz does sound like a lot of fun.

(ads)

Here’s The Miz and he’s with Alex Riley, who apparently is taking time from his busy schedule of…wandering around backstage and losing to people instead of Miz.

The Miz: I’d just like to start by inviting none of you to my exclusive RAW after party, where wine and cupcakes may or may not be served. I’d like to extend a special invitation to my favorite person in the whole wide world, WWE Monday Night RAW General Manager the Demonic Ten Year old Girl. I know you weren’t happy about me winning the title, but it’s better than Triple H or John Cena, right

Alex Riley: Or Randy Orton!

Miz: Shut up, Alex. Yes. Randy Orton, the Legned Kill guy. Well, how legend…kill…ish did he look last week? He hurt his knee and he lost to the Miz! The Miz! Do you know how sad that is? I mean, that’s one thing that I’m really thankful for this holiday season. That I will never have to know the pain and disappointment that comes from having lost to me. And I’m WWE Champion. Which immediately makes me better than Ted DiBiase and Roddy Piper and Gillberg!

Jerry “” Lawler: You know, it’s King of the Ring week here on RAW, and while I lost my Kingship to King Booker for reasons I don’t remember, I’ve just realized that I haven’t had my embarrassing feud in a long time. So what do you say, Miz? Do you want to be that man that’s humiliated by Jerry Lawler?

Miz: No. Why don’t you go sit down at the table and titter back and forth with CM Punk about how cute the girls are and leave the actual wrestling to us men.

Lawler: I don’t have a Titter account.

Miz: See, that’s what I mean. Quit trying to be cool and shut up.

Lawler: Miz, I’m going to level with you. I haven’t wrestled in a while, and I’ve got the jones. You want to win one match as champion right? How about it? Why not me?

Miz: I don’t know….

Michael Cole: I just got a Titter from the RAW General Manager, Demon Girl. She says “I hate you Miz! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! You’re a horrible person and I hate you! So I’m going to put you in a match against Jerry Lawler tonight and I hope you die. The rest of the Tiit is all in Latin and I think it says something about Justin Beiber.

(ads)

Sheamus vs. Kofi Johnston
In a King of the Ring Quarterfinal Match

Punk falls all over himself to make the King Kofi Johnston joke, which I don’t get. Leave the wrestling jokes to me, Punk. Unless you want to hire me as your joke writer. I’m available for a modest fee. And you have to introduce me to Paramore. Sheamus tries to call Kofi “Fella” but gets kicked in the face instead. Sheamus is like, “You call that a kick to the face? Now this is a kick to the face.” And hits him with the Bicycle Kick to the Face. The Finisher of Champions! Sheamus is moving on.

(ads)

Mark Henry and Yoshi Tatsu vs. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater

This has nothing to do with the King of the Ring. Or anything, really. What did Yoshi and Mark do to get this match? I mean, at least it’s not a title match. Yoshi goes for the pin to start, which tells you everything you’ll ever need to know about Yoshi Tatsu. John Cena walks down through the crowd and sits in the front row. So they couldn’t sell out the front row then? Cena looks vaguely disinterested in this match. Well, it’s your own fault for missing the first round of the KotR, idiot. Henry with the World’s Strongest Slam to Heath for the win. Bwahahahahaha! These guys are all terrible. Cena hops the barrier and tosses Slater through the announce table with an Attitude Adjuster. Then he jumps back over and high fives security guards while David Otunga and Husky Harris seeth on the entrance ramp. That’s…not the lesson you want to be teaching here, WWE.

(ads)

Backstage….

David Otunga: I can’t believe he would do that!

Husky Harris: You can’t be serious, right? This is pretty much exactly what I would expect John Cena to do. In fact, I’m a little surprised that he doesn’t do it every week, whether he’s fired or not.

Otunga: But we were friends!

Harris: Exactly! That’s how he gets you!

Justin Gabriel: Forget Heath and Cena for a second. How in the hell did we just lose a match to YOSHI TATSU! What in the hell is going on on this show?!

Wade Barrett: Guys, you are all terrible. I just thought I should tell you that.

Elsewhere….

Arn Anderson: You’re a huge idiot, you know that, right?

Jerry “” Lawler: Are you talking about in general? Or just about this match tonight?

Anderson: Well, I was just talking about tonight, but now that you mention it…Whatever. A TLC match against a guy less than half your age! That’s stupid and you’re going to get yourself and your bad leg killed. Can you even climb a ladder?

Lawler: Arn, buddy, think about this. It’s Miz. What could possibly go wrong?

Anderson: Heh. Knock ‘em dead, champ.

Alb-

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio vs. John Morrison
In the King of the Ring Semifinal Match

Oh, show. I thought we had an agreement. You don’t needlessly cut to commercial, and I don’t turn you off to watch Chuck or reruns of Ace of Cakes. Or football. Whatever. Michael Cole is drinking now and moaning about how Tito Santana won the crown one time, and it ruined wrestling for him forever. Wait until he found out that Jim Duggan had it! Rey Misterio drives down the entrance ramp. What is he, one of the Mexicools? Maybe you shouldn’t drive in a mask, Rey Rey! Alberto Del Rio is flummoxed by this blatant display of whatever the hell Rey is trying to display here, and he gets kicked in the head. Morrison wins!

Backstage, Wade Barrett just looks tired.

(ads)

And now he’s in the ring.

Wade Barrett: Goddammit, John. Ok, the first time when you laid out McGillicutty it was kind of cute. But this is getting really annoying. Do you not understand what “fired” means? It doesn’t mean “Follow us around and annoy us until we hire you back.” It means, go BACK TO WEST BLUEBERRY LIKE YOU SAID YOU WERE LAST WEEK! I mean, Jesus. Get a grip, man. What’s next? Coming back in a mask and wrestling as Juan Cena?

Cena’s outside.

John Cena: Wade, I did go home to West Blueberry. And you know what everybody told me? “Go away!” And they were right. Suburban life isn’t for me. I’m all about Word Life. And annoying the WWE Universe. So here I am.

Barrett: Are we seriously going to do this? <The Nexus> Attack!

David Otunga, Justin Gabriel, and Husky Harris appear.

Husky Harris: We were just kind of hanging around out here anyway.

Cena: Oh yeah? Well, you guys are kind of a joke anyway. But I’m not going to bother taking you out myself. So here’s some other guys too!

The “other guys” are just Mark Henry, Yoshi Tatsu, Darren Young (Really?!), Vladamir Kozlov, Daniel Bryan, Ezekial Jackson (who I think was just nearby and bored), David Hart Smith, and Mark Henry though. So it’s just like a whole clump of sad running into each other backstage.

Cena: Well. That’s kind of lame. I’ll see you next week?

Barrett: NO! NO YOU WON’T! THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT!

(ads)

Maryse, Tamina, and Alicia Fox vs. Natalya, Gail Kim, and Melina

This match also has nothing to do with the King of the Ring. Get your heads in the game, WWE. Gail Kim is literally asleep on the turnbuckle for the entire match, except for a brief moment when CM Punk comes over to hit on her and show her his Colt Cabana T-shirt. Happy Hanukah, by the way. I love how Melina gets injured, comes back, gets a huge push, and then they realize she’s terrible and she does nothing for a few months until she breaks again. Every time. She’s the Kerry Wood of wrestling. Santino comes out singing Tiffany’s classic “I Think We’re Alone Now” and Tamina drags him off before Drew McIntyre hears him. Then Natalya wins with a Sharpshooter.

Backstage, Jerry “” Lawler tries in vain to find a leotard that doesn’t make him look like a chubby old man.

(ads)

Backstage….

Ted DiBiase Jr.: Do you suppose if I started wearing this foam WWE Title around people would think it was a real belt? It worked for the Headbangers!

Maryse: Yeah, but The Oddities were idiots. Is that really the kinds of feuds you want to be having right now?

DiBiase: Beats sitting around staring at foam titles.

Maryse: Maybe win a match then, eh?

DiBiase: Oh come off it. When was the last time you won a match?

Maryse: You know full well that it doesn’t matter. Divas matches don’t count. What is this, TNA?

DiBiase: I bet TNA would let me get away with the foam belt.

Maryse: Yeah, probably. So what’s the deal with being outsmarted by Santino anyway?

DiBiase: I HAVE TO GO SET MY TIVO TO RECORD GLEE!

And then he storms out. Elsewhere….

David Otunga: I’m formulating a plan to end all of this.

Husky Harris: Awesome, man. I want in!

Otunga: Who are you again?

Meanwhile, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Morrison and Sheamus.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with John Morrison and Sheamus, and guys, this is it. Your pathetic little careers have lead up to this very moment. John Morrison. Sheamus. Getting interviewed by Josh Mathews. How do you feel?

John Morrison: Honestly, I’ve never been more thrilled or honored.

Sheamus: Fella, I’m the only one in this match who has a chance. I mean it’s nice that our little feud that we’ve had for weeks and weeks but everybody always forgets about is dovetailing in this moment. And it’s nice that we totally showed those guys from Smackdown. But, your arm is hurt. And with the Big Fella in the Sky as my witness, I am not losing to John Morrison.

Morrison: That’s fair.

(ads)

Sheamus vs. John Morrison
In the King of the Ring Finals

Miss America 2010 Rima Fakih is guest ring announcing for this one. Justin Roberts would have me believe that she’s a WWE fan, but we all know no women watch wrestling. Donald Trump probably forced her at comb point to be here tonight, or else he would marry her. Noooo! So the story of the match so far is that Sheamus likes to punch Morrison in the arm, but John’s too busy running the ropes to even notice or care at the moment. CM Punk is currently sitting in Ms. Fakih’s lap. Michael Cole may or may not be drunk right now. Ask Punk. If you can peal him away for ten seconds.

(ads)

Fun facts about Rima Fakih? She’s from Lebanon, which is not in America last time I checked, and she’s dating Rick Romero. No, not the 60s WWWF wrestlers or the mustachioed reporter, but the terrible baseball player. All of those are terrible options. She should be dating CM Punk! Or alternately, me. I secretly want Morrison to win this so he can get a cape. Sadly, Sheamus hits him coming in with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) and calls him Fella for the win. We have a NEW King of the Ring.

William Regal: Time to get a new Titan Tron, I guess.

Arn Anderson: Nah, probably not.

Rima puts the crown on Sheamus’ head, and awkwardly wanders off, never to be seen again.

Sheamus: I guess you could say that I’m a real King of Kings, eh? Eh? Eeeeeeeeeh?

Eh.

(ads)

Jerry “” Lawler vs. The Miz (w/ Alex Riley)
In a TLC Match for the WWE Title

I’ll give Jerry Lawler this. He’s great at getting the crowd involved in a match. Not actually wrestling, or climbing a ladder, or winning the WWE title, even against Miz, but the crowd? Into the match. Miz grabs some chairs and just starts winging them at Lawler hoping Jerry just gives up, but when he runs out of chairs, Jerry just grabs one and whacks Miz in the back with it. Lawler makes an attempt to limp up the ladder, but Riley stops him. Lawler knocks him out, because Alex Riley will be knocked out by anything. Miz fires back, but he can’t put Jerry away. Michael Cole gets into the ring because…of friggin’ course Michael Cole gets into the ring. Cole stops Lawler from getting the title, and Lawler decks him. J.R. would never have stopped him! Of course, J.R. probably would never had made it into the ring. So…Anyway, Lawler takes out Cole, but that gives Miz just enough time to come back in, toss Lawler and grab the title. In the meantime CM Punk can just commentate on RAW by himself while those guys go into couples therapy. So long as he hires me as his writer.

Next Week: RAW General Manager Demon Girl realizes the error of her ways and books Miz in a match against an actual wrestler. Also, John Cena returns even though literally nobody wants him to. And King Sheamus makes some more extremely obvious Triple H innuendo, you know, just in case.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
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RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
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RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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