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RAW SATIRE    
He's the Boogeyman, and He's Less Stupid Than Edge's Current Storyline!

December 11, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: There was a new King of the Ring and it was Sheamus, Fella. Also, John Cena continues to appear on a show he is no longer an employee of, no doubt just waiting out his 90 Days so he can jump to JAPW. And Michael Cole stopped Jerry ďĒ Lawler from beating Mike Mizanin from the Real World for the WWE Spinniní Title. No, that is not a typo. Find out what else isnít a typoÖTONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hereís Michael Cole, to no doubt explain why he attacked Lawler last week.
 

Michael Cole: I know what youíre thinking, but Iím not out here to explain why I attacked Jerry Lawler last week. Iím out here to talk about The Miz. I meanÖThe Miz everybody! He was on The Real World, and look at him now! Heís WWE Champion! I meanÖisnít that stupid? And if thereís one thing Michael Cole loves, itís stupid things happening on this show. Screw wrestling, am I right?
 
  

Jerry ďĒ Lawler: No! You are not! Right! Michael, you really do need to explain what the hell happened last week. I mean, you want to talk about something stupid that happened, how about a 60 year old announcer beating a guy half his age in a ladder match! And you couldíve finally gotten me away from the announce table! I wouldíve been WWE Champion! It wouldíve been Crazy Go Nuts!

Cole: Admittedly I did not fully think this plan all the way through. You know, itís just tough. I was doing such a great job turning heel, but I really had to do something. Reading e-mails will only take your heel persona so far Iíve learned.

CM Punk: Hey, I can read e-mails too! Thatís all Iíve got. I just didnít want to feel left out of this awesome discussion.

Cole: You didnít get an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl to save me from the beat down from Jerry Lawler?

Punk: Nope.

Lawler: Eh. Thatís ok, I wasnít going to punch you.

Lawler and Cole shake hands.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the SVU Girlís Chocolatechip. And while Jimmy Lawman might not want to punk you, Miguel Cope, I do! I donít blame The Muze for casting in his Monkey in the Bank contract! If I could ever win that catch, I would do it too! No, I blame you, Miguel. And now Iím going to punk you.

The Miz: Look, Iím going to have to fight you again at TLC, Orton. The RAW General Manager has made quite sure of that. But Iím pretty sure Iíll be able to win that match too. Why? Not because Iím awesome,b ut because a one month title reign would be awfully anticlimactic. Especially since Iím getting a lot of play on ESPN and stuff these days. So, have fun losing to The Miz again.

Orton: I hate you Albert Rally!

Alex Riley: Whatíd I do?!

Then Michael Cole gets so bored with this part of the segment that he falls over. Orton wins!

(ads)

Maryse and Ted DiBiase vs. Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan (w/ Nikki Bella)

You know, if Daniel doesnít want to have sex with the Bellas, he should really stop hanging out with them. And if he does, he should really just go ahead and do it already. I mean, geez, Daniel. CM Punk is not impressed anymore. Speaking of which, WWE Diva Josh Mathews has taken over on commentary, and immediately compares the Daniel Bryan situation to a Hentai Game, which goes over 99.9% of everybodyís head. I didnít know Daniel had tentacles. Nikki swaps out with Brie halfway through the match even though they hate each other now for some reason, and wins with a roll-up. That May Be Her Move! Maryse is not too happy about this development.

(ads)

In a hotel roomÖ.

David Otunga: Man, Iím really glad WWE has a ďShow Up Whenever You Feel Like ItĒ policy. So long as I let this camera guy film me watching TV and playing Cataclysm on my laptop, I never even have to show up for RAW and I still get paid! This is the best job ever!

There is a knock at the door.

Otunga: That must be John Cena dressed up as room service. Iíd better check it out.

Louisville Hilton Guest Services Manager Dr. The Boogeyman: Iím Louisville Hilton Guest Services Manager Dr. The Boogeyman, and Iím COMING TO SERVE YOU! Dinner!

Otunga: Boogeyman?! What are you doing here?

Boogeyman: Rough economy, man. So listen, there might be some worms on your steak. Thatís my bad. Sorry.

Otunga sighs and takes his worm steak into his room. As soon as he shuts the door, however, thereís another knock.

Otunga: Ok. This HAS to be Cena.

Luke Gallows: Housekeeping!

Otunga: At 9 p.m.?!

Gallows: Yeah, they let me show up whenever I want. Best job ever. EVER!

Otunga: How many former wrestlers work here?!

Gallows: I donít know. Or care. Do you want turndown service or not.

Thereís another knock.

Otunga: Ok. Ok. Hello?

John Cena: John Cena!

Otunga: Come right in!

And Cena opens the door and punches Otunga. And the heretofore unseen Husky Harris, who mustíve been in the bathroom this whole time or something.

Gallows: So is that a no on the turndown service?

(ads)

David Hart Smith vs. Tyson Kidd (w/ Jackson Andrews)

The Canadian Bulldog is already in the ring, which is not a good sign. Davidís the Shawn and Tysonís the Marty, idiots. Jackson Andrews is just some big generic guy from FCW who was so terrible he couldnít get on NXT. Lucky Cannon got onto that show. Come on, Jackson Andrews. Shouldíve called up G-Rilla. OH MAN! G-Rilla is going to be on NXT Season 4, you guys. Heís going to be learning from Ted DiBiase. SoÖIím gonna miss you, G-Rilla. Iím still pretty excited. Not about this feud though. Kidd wins with a roll-up. Thatís Brie Bellaís Move!

BackstageÖ.

Justin Gabriel: Why would you open the door when he said ďJohn Cena!Ē David is so stupid.

Heath Slater: Man, you guys. Iím so excited! When does G-Rilla get to join?

Wade Barrett: Iím not really sure that G-Rilla fits theÖ<The Nexus> standard. Does he even play World of Warcraft?

Gabriel: Oh, that reminds me. I canít play tomorrow.

Barrett: But itís THE CATACLYSM!

Gabriel: Yeah, I know! But Iíve got to actually do things. Because I actually try to fulfill my life responsibilities.

David Otunga: Hey guys! I finally made it to the show. Sorry, I got caughtÖsleepingÖAnd then John Cena attacked.

Slater: Yeah. We all have TVs. Way to show up on time, Dave.

Otunga: Yeah, wellÖYou better take care of business tonight, Wade, or youíre out of nXt!

Barrett: Ok. I bet youíll get right on that.

(ads)

The Usos (w/ Tamina) vs. Mark Henry and Yoshi Tatsu vs. Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov (w/ Tamina) vs. Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel

In an Elimination Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles

That Tamina sure gets around. Jerry Lawler is the only one actually calling the match here, which is fun. CM Punk is trying to get with WWE Diva Josh Mathews, but Josh isnít having any of it. He canít live the Straight Edge lifestyle. Yoshi Tatsu on offense, because none of these people really care, I guess. It doesnít last long, however, because Heath Slater pins him after Yoshi gets all his offense in (two punches and a dance move). The Usos donít do much better because Kozlov catches one of them (Samoa Joe, I think) with his move (Thatís His Move) to eliminate them too. Santino looks confused.

(ads)

Gabriel locks in the CHINLOCK~! coming out of the break, so you know heís serious. About what, Iím not really sure, since holding the WWE tag team titles is just going to get you ignored, and then before you know it youíre wrestling on Superstars and being managed by a big guy who isnít even fit to look at G-Rilla. So basically in three months, Heath Slater is going to be poor, destitute, and hanging out with Husky Harris. Which really isnít any different than it is now. Santino wins. WaitÖWHAT?! Santino and Vlad just won the tag team titles! The crowd goes wild! Tamina is happy! Punk is still hitting on Josh!

(ads)

Hereís the 2010 King of the Ring Sheamus. Nice cape, bro.

Sheamus: This cape is bad ass and Iíll call any fella that doesnít think so a fella. That great Fella in the sky shined down on me last week and I won the King of the Ring title. And not for nothing, because while Triple H was the King of Kings before I knocked him into dream sequences, now Iím the King of King of Kings. In fact, I want that to be my new title. I wonder if this could get me into Buckingham Palace? I want to meet Kate Middleton! And Conan OíBrien! I hear heís the King of Finland.

John Morrison: And now itís time for the John Morrison Stand Up Hour. How are you all feeling tonight, ladies and germs? Sheamus? More like Shameless, am I right? The only thing you are King of King of Kings of isÖumÖThe Ring. You have orange hair. Are you sure youíre not Orange Koolaid Man? Oh Yeah!

Sheamus: John, are you sure you arenít just jealous? I mean youíre never going to be as awesome as me, and youíve been here for a billion more years than I have.

Morrison: Yeah, probably. But I have one thing you donít have! A Palace! Of Wisdom!

Sheamus: JohnÖYou do realize that the Palace of Wisdom isnít real. Right?

And then Morrison attacks, because the Palace of Wisdom is so real. And Joey Mercury sleeps on the couch. Sheamus bails because heís not about to fight with Morrison about this.

(ads)

Melina vs. Natalya

For the WWE Undefined Divas Title

Lay Cool is on commentary, and Punk immediately calls them ďBeautiful PeopleĒ which is either him being super smarky and really showing TNA whoís business, or just him being CM Punk and trying to sleep with them. Man, Undertaker would be sooooo pissed if he werenít dead again. Josh Mathews laments that he never had the opportunity to win the Divas Title when it was its own thing. I donít know what Melina is even doing here. Is she back with Morrison yet? Natalya wins with a Sharpshooter. After the match, Laycool lay her out, and Melina just sort of wanders off. Because screw Natalya.

(ads)

BackstageÖ.

Alex Riley: Iím totally going to beat Randy Orton tonight and finally cement my position as the third or fourth least embarrassing thing to come out of nXt.

The Miz: Youíre already the second least embarrassing in my heart.

Riley: That means so little to me, you donít even know!

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Alex Riley

The Miz wonít follow Riley to the ring. Heís no valet! SoÖWhy is Riley holding the Money in the Bank briefcase? I mean, I get that itís sort of part of his character or whatever butÖcan he cash that thing in? Arenít they supposed to take it from him? Or maybe heís just keeping Mizí jaunty hat collection safe. Orton is on offense for a couple minutes, and just as it looks like Riley is about to fall over, Miz runs out and hits Orton with the Skull Crushing Finale. Miz goes and gets a table because heís going to wrestle Orton in a tables match. The easiest match to lose by accident. Damn you, RAW General Manager Demon Girl! Sure enough, Orton gets back up and Miz bails. Riley jumps through the table to save anybody else from having to.

(ads)

Wade Barrett is in the ring.

Wade Barrett: Ok, thatís just about long enough. Weíve had our fun, John Cena, but now this is just getting boring. We go to a hotel, you get a job there and attack us. We do an interview and you sneak backstage and punch us. We have a match and you show up and attack us. Look, duder, thereís being a jerk and thereís being a dick and youíre pretty deep into dick territory here. Itís stupid, itís boring and nobody wants to see it anymore. Iím not giving you your job back. Go work for Kaiju Big Battel.

John Cena: Yo, Wade. You must be straight trippiní man. Look at this. They gave me a mic and let me walk out even though Iím not an employee of the company anymore. Thatís stupid and crazy of them. I could just come down here and WikiLeak all our company secrets. So you know what? Yeah, Iím not just a jerk anymore. Iím just a dick. Distract you guys until you lose the tag titles to Santino and Kozlov. Ha! And yeah, I got a job as the hotelís John Cena so I could beat up Otunga and that other guy who was lurking in the corner. Iím just going to keep doing this! I can live for years off of the royalties I made off The Marine. Iím showing up EVERY night from here on out until we run out of nXts. Then Iím starting to beat up production assistants.

Tough Enough Jessie: No! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

<The Nexus> goes backstage again because theyíre tired of this stupid angle. Except Otunga, who I donít think has been paying attention this whole time. Cena lays into Barrett in what is clearly a violation of all kinds of laws and not a very good example for all the kids out there. What if Demon Girl had stabbed Miz instead of becoming the RAW General Manager? What then?

Anyway, Cena drops Barrett on the announce table, first remembering to clear off Punkís stuff, lest he cry again. Then he punts Barrett into Tough Enough Jessie and gets dragged away by the cops.

David Otunga: Wait, what just happened?

Next Week: Wade Barrett hires Cena back even though he swore he wouldnít for the very reasons he said he wouldnít. The Miz accidentally loses the WWE Title when Alex Riley accidentally cashes in his fake Money in the Bank briefcase. And there are Slammys. Oh, yes. There are Slammys.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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