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RAW SATIRE    
The Truth Behind CM Punk's Meldown

December 23, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: The Miz retained the WWE Spinnin’ Title by breaking all the tables in the entire arena, causing Randy Orton to forfeit. Also, John Cena beat Wade Barrett causing so many eyes to roll into the backs of heads that hospital emergency rooms are booked for two weeks solid. And also…something about the Divas. I don’t know. Maybe we’ll find out what…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s The Miz.

 
The Miz: Yes, I beat Randy Orton clean at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE NXT Presents WWE Tables, Ladders, Chairs, and if We Get Around to It, Possibly a Ring. What of it? I technically even beat him twice because he also forfeited when he learned that he’d have to eat his pear salad sandwich on the ground because John Cena stole all the chairs. So, I have something to be proud of, I guess.
 


Alex Riley: Boooo! Boooooooo!

Miz: Alex Marley!

Riley: Dude, it’s Riley. Alex. Riley. How many times-

Miz: It’s from A Christmas Carol, you idiot. Jacob Marley was the first ghost?

Riley: Oh. I thought I was the ghost of Christmas Past?

Miz: No, the Ghost of Christmas Past is the horrifying visage of Jerry “” Lawler. Or it would’ve been if I hadn’t already beaten him into submission. I guess I won’t be able to learn anything from my past after all.

Riley: Ok, where’s our magic time traveling telephone booth?

Miz: What the hell are you talking about?

Riley: Oh. Never mind. I guess I just thought you based this off of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Michael Cole: Hey. I’m the Ghost of Christmas Present. So…here it is. I made it myself. Merry Christmas, Scrooge McDuck.

Miz: A…orange belt cozy. How did you know?

Cole: I actually started sewing it for Taz, like, six years ago. But then he never won any more titles.

RAW General Manager Demon Girl: I am the Ghost of Christmas Future! Submit your soul to me or face eternal torment on RAW!

Miz: What are you going to do to me? I already have to hang out with these two all day.

Riley: HEY!

Cole: No, no, Alex. That’s a fair point.

Demon Girl: Nosirrom Nhoj ot boj uoy ekam lliw I!!

As if on cue, here’s John Morrison, fresh off beating Sheamus like red headed step-fella.

John Morrison: Yes, the only thing that can make this segment any more of an embarassment as the realization that I did indeed win the right to face Miz at the Royal Rumble for the WWE Spinnin’ Title, joining such luminaries as Bob Holly, Mark Henry, and Totally Not Jamal as people you have to suffer through before the Rumble match. I mean, I guess we did have the whole Miz and Morrison thing, right? Remember the Dirt Sheet?

The Miz: Of course I do. I loved the Palace of Wisdom. It’s just too bad you’re so the Marty.

Morrison: Yeah, well, if I’m the Marty that makes you Jerry Sags!

We’ll never learn how he was going to tie that together, because Sheamus pelts him with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) right then. Jerry Lawler, sensing that he’s going to be completely worthless on commentary tonight, decides to punch Riley in the back of the head instead. And sure enough the Demon Girl orders a tag match between these five plus Orton (minus Cole) in the main event. Or that’s what I think she said at least. My ancient Sanskrit is a little out of practice. Miz is so shocked by the fact that the main event wasn’t booked in advance of the show that he falls over. Orton wins! Non-title though.

(ads)

Melina vs. Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres
In a Number One Contenders Match for the WWE Undefined Divas Title

All three of these ladies would be…um…great(?) representatives in a Divas title match. I’m sure all of them are…proud…to be…on…television. Right now. It’s really Alicia’s title though isn’t it? She named it, after all. No word yet on how CM Punk is taking the news that his favorite band Paramore is breaking up. More on that story as it develops, I guess. The ladies stand around for a while until Melina properly executes the first and only move of the match (a roll-up) for the win. After the match, Natalya comes out so that Melina can turn heel, and so she does. So much for that big reunion with Morrison, bitch.

Backstage.

The Bella Twins: I have a better connection with Daniel Bryan. No, I do. That’s it, I’m calling mother. She’ll resolve this. You stupid twit, you don’t even have mom’s phone number on your phone. I do so, you’re the uncaring jerk in this family. Never calling your mother. Whoops, I guess I don’t. Sorry about that.

Daniel Bryan: I’M MAN ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF THEM!

Yeah, you’re a month too late for that party, Danny.

(ads)

William Regal vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ the Bella Twins)

I never understood, in a world where you can walk into Barnes and Noble right now and the “Teen Paranormal Romance” section is bigger than the “Fiction” section by five times, why it is that William Regal never gets more screen time. He’s just as vampiric and dreamy as Edward or Hermoine or whoever. Count Chocula? Everybody’s still pretty non-plussed about Bryan’s chances of scoring with one Bella, much less both of them. Wait until they get a glimpse of his neck beard! Bryan and Regal roll around for a while in the most Indy-Tastic match on RAW since the time they accidentally ran twenty minutes of an old Ring of Honor show from 2006. Then about ten seconds in, Bryan locks in the Labell Lock for the win. Hope you were satisfied, folks! The Bellas try to triple kiss with Bryan, but he’s not sure he’s down with implied incest quite yet, so he decides to go bake a pan of shortbread cookies instead.

(ads)

Backstage….

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the OWN Girl’s Chocolatechip. Jim Mortinson, I am happy that you woned or possibly lost your match or matches.

John Morrison: Thanks? I think…?

Orton: Don’t faller over.

Elsewhere…

Santino Marella: Tamina-a! Will you-a please stand-a on my back-a in a somewhat-a but not-a entirely-a sexually provocative-a manner?

Tamina: You know what? Sure.

So she stands on Santino’s back.

Maryse: What are you doing up there?

Tamina: I’m not really sure. You want to come up here?

Maryse: Absolutely.

Ted DiBiase: Maryse! There you are! What’s going on? Standing on guys? That’s cool.

Maryse: Yeah. Come on up.

Vladamir Kozlov: Santino? Where…Oh man. Nobody told me today was a Stand on Santino party! I’m coming up there.

Santino: This was-a not as sexually-a provactive as I-a thought it would-a be.

Even Elsewherer….

Mark Henry: Baby, you want to stand on my back?

Gail Kim: No. Gross. What is with you guys today? You know, I was just thinking, I haven’t seen a single member of <The Nexus> all day.

Henry: I don’t even remember who that is.

Dolph Ziggler: Hi. Hi there. We’re not on this show, can anybody point me to the ring?

Vickie Guerrero: Dolph, you’re an idiot.

(ads)

Santino Marella and Tamina vs. Ted DiBiase and Maryse

Santino looks a little rough here, but I suppose that’s what you get for having a billion people standing on your back. Santino threatens the Cobra to start, and DiBiase gets confused and locks in a CHINLOCK~! The Lemony represent! Maryse gets into the ring mostly because she’s pretty sure that she can beat Santino, but he has to tag out. What ever happened to Kozlov? And wasn’t Dolph Ziggler on his way out here? He did get lost! Dammit, Vickie. He tried to tell you RAW And Smackdown were different! Tamina with a splash on Maryse for the win. Tamina picks up Santino and leaves.

Backstage, John Cena is trying to make out with Tough Enough Jessie, but she won’t stop crying.

(ads)

APPLEDOUGH~!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO YO! YO! YO!

You want to hate Cena,
I’m bigger than Texas,
You can’t see me!
I took out <The Nexus>!

Started playing Warcraft,
Azeroth is my second home,
You don’t know anything,
Till you’re rollin’ with a gnome.

Last night was TLC,
I dropped all of the chairs,
Concussing Wade Barrett,
Without any cares!

Those guys were a bunch of turds,
Go get me a beer,
I’m going to start drinking,
Because THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Vickie Guerrero: I-

Crowd: BOO!

Vickie: Want-

Crowd: BOO!

Vickie: Never mind.

Dolph Ziggler: You know what? I’m more excited about the fact that I found the ring during the show than I am that I retained the Intercontinental title last night. I was pretty sure I’d come out here and there’d just be a janitor or something.

Jerry “” Lawler: Your girlfriend is so fat.

Dolph: How fat is she?

Vickie: Dolph!

Crowd: Boo!

Lawler: Your girlfriend is so fat that Awesome Kong thinks she should lose weight.

Dolph: Oh snap! Oh no he didn’t!

Cena: Your girlfriend is so fat when she goes to a restaurant, she has to get an estimate!

Dolph: Ok, that’s too much.

Lawler: Yeah, come on, John.

Vickie: You took it too far, Cena.

Crowd: Yeah, she’s right.

Michael Cole: E-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl! It says, “Dammit, Cena, that’s low class.”

(ads)

John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

The crowd has learned to hate Vickie and Cena again, so order has been restored. Ziggy’s takes control in the opening seconds of the match, but is quickly thrown away like the Intercontinental Champion he is. Dolph does get control again a few minutes later, so I guess this is going to be a longer match than normal. Which is odd, because, once again, this is John Cena versus Dolph Ziggler. Even CM Punk would think that was odd, if he wasn’t writing nasty e-mails to Josh Farro.

(ads)

The crowd, tired of this match already, has just taken to paying attention to everything Vickie does at ringside, and just booing her whenever she tries to get them to pay attention to the match. That’s my kind of wrestling crowd. Dolph goes for the Sleeper, which I still can’t believe is being used as an effective move in the 2010s. Ziggy tries his move (That’s His Move!) but it’s never enough to finish Cena. So Cena grabs him in an Attitude Adjuster for the win.
 
Suddenly Punk is off commentary and on Cena with chairshots. Haha! In your face, jerk.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with CM Punk.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with CM Punk, and Punk, I have to ask you, what the heck was that all about?

CM Punk: Damn you, Josh Farro! WHY?! Paramore was such a good band! My favorite band! And you had to muck it up because you were tired of being on the B-Team. Well guess what, Josh, you’ll ALWAYS be on the B-Team. Enjoy sucking for the rest of your life you stupid prick. And Zac, your new band sounds like beached whales dying.

Mathews: Ooook? What the hell are you talking about?

Punk: And everything I said about Josh Farro also applies to you, Josh!

And then Punk runs off in tears wearing a Team Hayley T-shirt. Elsewhere….

King Sheamus: I suppose you think I’m gonna call you Fella, but from one king to…whatever you are these days, I just want you to know that I’m still feuding with Triple H.

Jerry “” Lawler: Sheamus, I may be old and creepy, and I may have lost my crown to King Booker, but at least I’ve never lost twice to John Morrison.

Sheamus: Fella!

That’s his move! St. Elsewhere….

Vickie Guerrero: I don’t understand the dynamics of our relationship.

Dolph Ziggler: You’re an older lady who’s going through a crisis, who wants to get with a fit younger guy who will make her feel like she’s still got some years left before she’s got to shut down completely. I’m a younger guy who’s looking for a mother figure who will provide for me because I don’t feel totally confident in providing for myself.

Vickie: Yeah, but you’re really lame though.

Dolph: Do you want to date Spirit Squad Mitch? I know Spirit Squad Mitch. I can have him here in an hour.

Vickie: No…I guess not.

Dolph: Great. Now, where the hell are we? RAW’s backstage area is so confusing.

(ads)

King Sheamus, Alex Riley and The Miz vs. Jerry “” Lawler, John Morrison, and Randy Orton

WWE Diva Josh Mathews is handling the color commentary now, as Lawler is currently wrestling a match, and CM Punk is sitting in his car and crying. Lawler with a dropkick, which will probably wipe him out for the rest of the match. How fantastic would it be if Miz somehow accidentally lost the belt to Morrison at the Rumble. John Morrison going into Wrestlemania as the Spinnin’ Champion would be the most amazing Wrestlemania in history. This whole year would be worthwhile.

(ads)

Sheamus and Riley trade turns beating up Lawler coming out of the break. Well, that’s not nice. Morrison gets in the match and misses his move (That’s His Move) but Sheamus breaks it up. It finally breaks down after a few minutes, and Alex Riley falls over, but he’s not the legal man so Orton doesn’t win. Lawler tags in for no reason in particular, and then Miz falls over too, and he is the legal man so Orton wins! Well…Lawler wins, but whatever. Thanks for coming out tonight, John Morrison. Is he even still in this feud?

Next Week: Let’s take a week off, shall we? I’m sure you can figure things out for yourselves. Happy Holidays!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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