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RAW SATIRE    
It's Time to ELIMIDATE~! (or, "It's a Match Made in Germany for John Morrison")

February 12, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: WWE basically got everybody to buy a calendar, which was nice, not since the heady days of May 19th! The entire show revolved around some guy named Alberto. Sadly, not Los Super Astros superstar Fat Alberto. Oh yeah, and Number One Contender Jerry ďĒ Lawler. Unless everybody realizes how old he isÖTONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

What the hell? Itís Vince McMahon!

 
Vince McMahon: UhÖso that was a hell of a coma I was in. I woke up and Freddie Prinze was there, and I begged them to put me back under. And then I guess the Super Bowl happened? And weíre in Wisconsin, which is really too bad. But hey! Wrestlemania is coming up. In a few months. So weíve got that going for us! And itíll be live In front of 75,000 fans, which is something no Super Bowl has ever done.
 


Tough Enough Jessie: Actually itís happened 19 times. Super Bowls II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, IX, X, XI, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, XIX, XXI, XXIII, XXVII, XXX, XXXIX, and XL, which was, you know, just last night.

Vince: Well Wrestlemania 3!

T.E. Jessie: Yes, but you just said-

Vince: SHUT UP!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Vince: IÖforgot what I was going to say.

And so he leaves. Hereís Randy Orton to continue the Cavalcade of Marmalade.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the XXIV Girlís Chocolatechip. Cream Trunk, I am prepared to go into the Intimidation Chamber, and kicker you like I did Hunky Harness. You think Iím jokering, but I will take out the entire tea of The Noxious!

CM Punk: Randy, I know you think we barely know each other. But remember back when you were a heel and I was a face? And you had The Lemony attack me?

Orton: Nope.

Punk: Well, I mean, I brought a videoÖ.

Orton: Manu! What ever happened to that guide?

Punk: He died. Or not. Who cares? The fact is that you used your influence to have a bunch of guys attack me. Well, thatís bogus and a cowardís way out! <The Nexus>! Attack!

And so the nXt attacks. So thatís what Punk was talking about during the Slammyís? He remembered one time when Manu kicked him? Geez. I do appreciate that heís not even bothering to defend the honor of Husky Harris, though.

Orton successfully fends off Otunga and McGillicutty, but heís not so lucky when he assumes Mason Ryan is ďDaveĒ Batista ďDavidsonĒ and tries to give him a hug. Ortonís flailing ends up breaking Punkís nose, so Punk kicks Orton in the face. Then he proceeds to bleed all over Otunga. Wade Barrett never bled all over you, David!

(ads)

Mason Ryan vs. R-Truth

Truth would like to know whatís up in cities that heís not even in. Specifically, he asks Bucharest whatís up with the Bananarama in his pants. So the crowd starts chanting something in Romanian. Ah the cultured Wisconsin crowd. Ryan spends about thirty seconds punching Truth in the knee until he taps out. But then he continues beating up R-Truth, because beating him up is so much fun that you canít stop. Itís like Pringles! So WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton changes his mind and itís a DQ. Oh come on, he canít do that! The referees didnít flag the Packers for excessive celebration after they won the Superbowl! Donít be such a jerk.

(ads)

BackstageÖ.

CM Punk: Man, my nose really hurts. But not as much as it hurt that you lost to R-Truth, Mason. R-Truth!

Mason Ryan: I was FRAMED!

Punk: Tell it to somebody who cares. Iím going to go sit and listen to Paramore for an hour and rock back and forth because Iím a 14 years old girl. You guys cool with our plan to injure all the participants in the Elimidate Chamber until the only people in the match are Yoshi Tatsu and a couple Indy guys dressed like Yoshi Tatsu?

David Otunga: About thatÖI really donít think Iím going to be able to beat Sheamus. I mean, for real. Heís just going to call me fella, kick me, and then wander off.

Punk: David! David! You just gotta have faith. Or, barring that, a crowbar.

Otunga: If you say so.

Punk: Great! Ok, <The Nexus>, form up! Now that that fatty is gone weíve only got four guys which means no more Warcraft-

McGillicutty: Aw but itís ďLove is in the AirĒ week!

Punk: Iím going to pretend I donít know what that means. Because I donít. Letís get down to playing ďYou Donít Know Jack.Ē

Gail Kim, Eve Torres, and Tamina vs. Melina and The Bella Twins

I canít tell any of the heel team apart, so this isnít going to work. Natalya is on commentary and wonders what ďall these yaks doing out here, Tony?Ē She must be being coached by Booker on her commentary. Bravo! What ever happened to Stevie Ray anyway? Now that guy knew how to call a guy a sucka fruit booty. Gail takes out the Bellas and Eve hits Melina with her move (Thatís Her Move!) for the win.

The Man in the Leather Jacket is coming back on 2/21/11. OMIGOD! ALEX WRIGHT!!!

(ads)

Iím still unnaturally excited about Alex Wright.

(ads)

John Morrison vs. Michael McGillicutty

Alex Wright! The original Nitro Boy! He can form a tag team with John Morrison. And they can take over Smackdown and essentially that is all you would need for two hours. Maybe hire Disco Inferno and Stevie Ray to commentate. Unless Disquo is still working for TNA. How the hell am I supposed to know? Morrison misses his move, which is, in fact, His Move, for the win. After the match, Morrison wanders around ringside for an hour and Punk sprays him in the face with some Stank and kicks him in the head. Thatís what you get for hanging around so long, John. If only you had someone to watch your back. Someone handsome. Someone strong. SomeoneÖGerman.

(ads)

Hereís The Miz. Still champion, eh The Miz?

The Miz: You guys! Iím so excited that Jerry Lawler won the RAW Rumble last week! Itís ridiculous! I know that Lawler usually gets into these feuds and beats the young guy up until theyíre worthless shells of themselves who have no recourse but to drop down the card until thereís nothing left! But thereís no way in hell they give him the WWE Spinniní title. Right?

Alex Riley: One can only hope.

Jerry ďĒ Lawler: I donít know, Miz. Iím pretty much guaranteed to get a match at Wrestlemania because Iíve been loud and whiny enough about it this year. Why the hell not as champion? Iíll job the belt to Sheamus or whatever. I donít really care.

Miz: Oh come on, Jerry! Iím you from a hundred years ago! Iím on TV shows and small and weird and even though I won a title and you didnít and my territory is the whole world while yours wasÖSome town in Tennessee, I think you could let me have this one thing, you know.

Lawler: NO! ITíS MY TIME! Itís time for the WWE to have a WWE Champion in his sixties! Not some two bit reality show hooker. Youíre not patterened off of me, youíre patterned off of Snooki!

Miz: And youíre patterned off of Mr. Magoo! But thereís a big difference between me and you, and thatís because Iím the Miz, and Iím-

Lawler: Mediocre at best.

Miz: Iíll accept that.

But Miz takes a swing at Lawler anyway. But Lawler shoves him down anyway. Jerryís quickly taken out by Alex Riley and Ted DiBiase, who may or may not have been there this whole time. I think I have blinders for Ted. Then Daniel Bryan shows up. Or he was there the whole time too. What the hell? Where are all these people coming from?!

RAW General Manager Demon Girl: Iíve been here the whole time too. And this is going to be a match. OR IíLL EAT YOUR SOULS!

The Miz and Ted DiBiase vs. Jerry ďĒ Lawler and Daniel Bryan

Alex Riley literally has no idea what heís doing on commentary, making him easily the best color commentator the WWE has had since the halcyon days of Randy Savage spending an entire matches screaming at the top of his lungs about celery. ďOH YEAH! Iím gonna put a little peanut butter on there and some RAISINS! YEAH! DIG IT!Ē Neither guy knows the names of any of the moves. Including, for some reason, a ďpunch.Ē DiBiase kicks Lawler in the face. Heís been waiting for years to do that! As have we all.

(ads)

I think maybe Alex Riley is just distracted that heís only a few letters from being Alex Wright. Heíll have to change his name to Garrison Riley. Which actually is a better name, when you think of it. Miz and Bryan go at it for a while, which reminds me and pretty much nobody else of their huge NXT feud that got derailed eleven different times. DiBiase tries to fight off Lawler, but fails because heís awful, and Lawler wins with the Fist Drop. Which isnít His Move, but the guy is pushing 80, so just let him have it.

(ads)

Outside the ring, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with King Sheamus.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and Iím standing by with King Sheamus, and Sheamus, I have to ask you, what the hell am I doing at ringside doing interviews? Was the backstage set being used or something?

King Sheamus: Because youíre a fella.

Mathews: Ok, shut up. Now, Mark Henry, of all people, thought you sucked so much you shouldnít be in the Elimidate Chamber! And while he admits that heís too fat to properly fit into a chamber, he wants to give your spot to future WWE Champion Yoshi Tatsu. What do you think?

Sheamus: Heís a fella too! God, what a bunch of fellas I work with. What the hell is wrong with you people? Running around here eating Milwaukeeís famous catering and smelling of booze and Stank. If TNA werenít so frigginí terrible Iíd be out of here in seconds.

King Sheamus vs. David Otunga

Mark Henry is out because while you can insult his weight and everybody else in WWE all you want, you never NEVER never insult the Stank. Henry grabs Sheamus and gives him the Worldís Strongest Slam about eight times and then storms off. Thatíll show him. Otunga stands holding Devon Storm sheepishly and they both leave. Then Ricardo Rodriguez steps out to announce the presence of Alberto Del Rio, who I will remind you, is STILL NOT ON THIS SHOW! Alberto drives over Sheamusí body on the way to the ring.

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Santino Marella

Finally, the continuation of the feud that will carry WWE into the future! Santino finally throws Alberto over the top rope, only two weeks too late. Still it gets a huge pop from the crowd because Santino is the best wrestler in the entire WWE. He sets up the Cobra, but Del Rio ducks it and locks in an Armbar. Thatís His Move, so Santino taps. Del Rio is so excited that he completely forgot what show he wasnít supposed to be on. I only really wish Fat Alberto was main eventing Wrestlemania.

Backstage, John Cena teaches Tough Enough Jessie about football while she bawls.

(ads)

Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler are out. Surely they have something cool to say.

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Excuse me! Is this Smackdown?

Dolph Ziggler: Again? Again?! No. This is not Smackdown. Weíre on RAW, again, for no particular reason.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO YO! YOOOOOO! YOOOOOOOOOO!

Iím back to rappiní
Itís been a while fools,
Had to go stealth PG,
No more rucking fules!

Got so crunk with Truth,
Thought we were in Green Bay!
I think he was so stoned,
Thought we were Kid n Play!

But Iím smarter than that,
I know Milwaukee when I sees it!
A lake made of beer,
And a diet full of Cheez its!

Hey, look Dolph and Vickie!
I was worried, thank God!
Saved by a fat divorcee,
And a member of the Spirit Squad!

But Iím John Cena,
Gonna enter that Elimidate,
Donít care which show,
Iím gonna just eliminate!

Think Iím scared of Nexus?
CM Punk will just disappear!
Because Wrestlemania is coming,
AND THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Dolph: SoÖyou want to leave?

Vickie: Yeah. Letís go.

(ads)

John Cena vs. CM Punk

I really have missed Johnís battle raps. I just wouldíve thought that Dolph wouldíve had more to say. Or that Vickie wouldíve rapped back at him. Before you roll your eyes too hard, sheís better than Tha Trademarc. Punkís biggest offense to this point is a horribly violent variation on the ďQuarter behind the EarĒ magic trick. Punk tries to get Cena with a knee to the face, but Cena counters with a punch to the penis. Which is a DQ, even though that is the proper counter to the knee to the face as taught in The Dali Lamaís Complete Idiotís Guide to Professional Wrestling. <The Nexus> is out to try to prevent any further damage to Punkís dangly bits, but Jerry Lawler hands his chair over to Cena to swing aimlessly at the nXt guys. Is Lawler going to be involved in every feud now? Maybe heís just diversifying so he can guarantee himself a Mania match.

Next Week: CM Punk spends an entire episode with an ice pack taped to his crotch. Mark Henry manages an amazing Stank/Girl Scout cookies trade with the suddenly jobless Kelly Kelly Kelly. And Yoshi Tatsu appears, gets confused because he thinks heís actually supposed to be on Smackdown, and then is very depressed when he learns that heís not on either show, actually.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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