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Back to the Future

February 17, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: The stunning return of Alex Wright, didn’t happen. Also, Vince McMahon showed up to let everybody know that he was going to show up this week. And CM Punk decided to win his Elimidate Chamber by Elimidating everybody before the match even happens. Who will be left…TONIGHT?!

No (Opening Credits) Let’s get right the hell to this.


John Cena: Folks, I’m going to be honest with you. At this point it doesn’t matter what I say or do until Wrestlemania. So, I just wanted to say Lady Gaga, Snooki, Michael Cole, boogers.

Michael Cole: John, you can’t just come out here spouting off lists and PG insults. Wrestlemania is coming up! Start actually trying to build some suspense here!


Cena: <The Nexus> is a bunch of pooface doody heads. CM Punk in particular is dummy. Boobies.

Cena gasps and puts his hand to his mouth in disbelief.

CM Punk: Oh my God, can I shut this guy up? The Gray’s Sports Almanac from Back to the Future II says that I beat the crap out of him, so it’s got to be true.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: Actually, that only went up to 2000, and since you didn’t face John Cena in 2000, I can only believe that either your understanding of the book is mistaken or there’s been an alteration in the time stream.

Punk: What are you doing here? You may be hot, but you’re a friggin’ mark! Go away.



John Cena vs. CM Punk

Cena has somehow recovered from his utterance of the “b” word without fainting. Why does CM Punk always look like he’s alternately trying to unhinge his jaw and eat out the inside of his mouth. Both sometimes. Does it have something to do with Paramore breaking up? At least Hayley seems to have landed on her feet. She looked terrific at the Grammys. Which is way more interesting than…WE’RE MISSING THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW! WHAT THE HELL?! Why didn’t anybody tell me? Oh, I am so pissed off right now. But, I’ll have to check in later, because Punk is whapping on Cena with a wrench, which WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan thinks is too hilarious to call for a DQ about, so Punk gets a GTS and the pin. Hey! Good for him!

Backstage, the limo containing the Wrestlemania Guest Host pulls up. My money is on DJ from Full House.


Hey, it’s these guys!

Ricardo Rodriguez: Hi!

Alberto Del Rio: You guys! I’m still main eventing Wrestlemania! We’re quickly running out of time for them to pull the plug on this! I might actually do it! Think about that! A luchadore! A year ago I was wrestling La Parka on a street corner in Mexico while wearing a mask that made me look like Aldo Montoya! Now look at me! I’m wrestling in front of millions of people in an actual ring against Edge! So really not a trade up, if you think about it. But I’m not going to complain, because Dos Caras Jr. would never have worn an awesome scarf like this.

Edge: Man, I don’t drink beer very often, but when I do, I drink Dos Caras Jr. So you’re my opponent at Wrestlemania still? Well, at least it’ll be a short night. And I won’t have to fight Dolph Ziggler. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? Not as embarrassing as this!

Edge then runs around the ring, knocking Alberto and Ricardo off the ring apron about nine times each.

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Who was that supposed to be embarrassing for? You look ridiculous. But I’m going to one up YOU! Because I’m making Dolph the WWE World Heavyweight Champion!

Dolph Ziggler: Even I’m a little perplexed, but what the hell.

Vickie: And also I have video proof that an action figure of you attacked an actionf igure of Teddy Long! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dolph and Alberto laugh too. But I’m pretty sure Alberto’s laughing at the concept of a Teddy Long action figure more than anything else. THIS Is Monday Night RAW.

Backstage, two ladies are involved in wrestling?

Who is the man in the black leather coat? Broad chest? Scruffy beard? Are you thinking who I’m thinking?

That’s right. It’s Edge. They’re just letting us know that Smackdown is still going to be on RAW for whatever reason next week. Just in the creepiest way possible.


Natalya vs. Eve Torres
In a LumberJill Match for the WWE Divas Title

I’m immediately distracted by Alicia Fox’s awesome hair and I stopped paying attention to the match. She and Maryse are easily the best part of this match. Literally everybody immediately begins threatening to throw their shoes at each other. Did R-Truth book this match? Then Eve jumps into the crowd of arguing ladies, and Maryse goes down, and Alicia’s like, “Giiiiiiiiiiiiirl, you ok?” and at this point even the particpants of the match have checked out. And then Eve gets the pin. Or something. I don’t frigging know.


Backstage, the Bella Twins are trying to limbo under Eve’s chin, but they start shoving each other. And Gail Kim is there with half of a dress. And Natalya flies in out of nowhere for no reason that I can discern. And this segment is the one that’s made the most sense so far tonight.

At ringside, Sheamus hits the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) on Mark Henry and calls him a Fella. Wait! I was really excited about the prospect of a Mark Henry match! Who was he fighting?! Was it Yoshi Tatsu?!

Elsewhere, Miz and Alex Riley shoves Tough Enough Jessie into a pool of her own tears. She adds to the pond. And Michael Tarver just watches it all go down.


The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. Daniel Bryan

Michael Cole takes a moment out from mourning with Jerry “” Lawler over his recently passed mother to call him an idiot and a coward. Can…can we get Daniel Bryan some actual music yet? Please? Bryan leaps into the ring and is immediately surrounded by 42 women, crawling all over each other to be his Valentine. Bryan, however, only has eyes for one woman. He takes a rose out of WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson’s hair, puts it between his teeth and saunters over to that special lady. WWE Diva Josh Mathews is smitten. The screen fades to black, so as not to blemish our PG rating with the NC-17 rated tryst that follows.


Bryan is back in the ring, teaching Miz how to do grow a neck beard and do armbars, while Alex Riley looks on in awe as these two specimens of wrestling manliness. His work done, Bryan calls forth a flock of doves, carrying a child’s swing which fits his body perfectly. Bryan steps daintily into the swing, tossing locks of his neck beard hair into the throng of fawning women which as only grown in the waning moments of this match. The doves flutter away, not even straining as they take their hero to his spoils. No matter that Miz just won by countout. We know who came off better here.

He just needs new music. Or some music.

The Miz: Jerry Lawler’s mom died. That’s Awesome!


Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga (w/ Mason Ryan) vs. John Morrison and R-Truth

I miss Husky Harris. I never thought I’d say that, and in my heart of hearts I know that I don’t actually mean it. But there it is. And when it’s on the Internet, it’s forever. Until it gets deleted. So what I’m saying is that I don’t really actually miss Husky Harris. What’s Up? Bananarama in my pants, that’s what’s up. Apparently RAW General Manager Demon Girl booked this match, which kind of seems like a waste of her time. Otunga’s really excited because Jennifer Hudson was at the Grammys last week. John Morrison walks into McGillicutty for the win. I wonder what Mike thinks of Dolph Ziggler. But not too much.


Here’s…some girl. She owns RAW now!

Ariel Winter: More people watch Modern Family every week than will watch this show in a month. And I really had no idea this show was still on TV. That’s too bad. So, they were talking about embarrassing moments earlier, and I can top them all. Because I was in a movie with Triple H. It’s called Something, I Don’t Remember or Care. It’s awful and it’s getting a “limited engagement” which means that it’s not even coming out in theatres really. So…Yeah. That’s depressing. My career only goes down from here.


Indian Eric Bischoff: The Great Khali Says, “Everybody Make Out!” Happy Valentines Day Everybody!

Khali, Eric, and Ariel all dance around while Santino and Tamina, Dolph and Vickie, and Maryse and Yoshi Tatsu all make out. Yoshi Tatsu is like the Japanese Daniel Bryan. Even Ted DiBiase approves. Getting Yoshi’s sloppy seconds is an honor. The cam turns to William Regal who is biting Zack Ryder’s neck. He turns into a bat and flies away. Hornswoggle picks up Ariel and carries her off to his realm under the ring. Dude! She’s like 12. Bad company mascot. Bad! And she’s dressed like a little drummer boy for some reason. I think that used to be Edge’s gimmick. Not pictured? Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, who is currently wrestling at a backyard federation near you. Check your local trees and community center bulletin boards for details.


King Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

I’ll just point out that it’s a little weird to be asking a 12 years old girl to host a segment about people making out. Dressed like Edge or not. I wonder how much Sheamus’ cloak is. Do they have it on Shopzone? They’d probably only have a Snuggie version of it. It’d still totally be worth it though. Randy’s ring attire on the other hand? Pretty boring. What a fella. Pretty even back and forth here in terms of offense. And then Sheamus falls over. Orton wins! Well, that was a match. <The Nexus> hits the ring to beat these two down, but John Morrison and R-Truth head them off. Which marks the first time (and probably last) K-Kwik has done anything useful in WWE. John Cena also comes out because he HAS to be involved, even though Orton and the other two were holding their own fine. In fact Otunga fell over at some point here. Orton won again. And then McGillicutty falls over. Orton wins yet again. Thanks for ALL the help, John! And then he stands in the ring like he did something. What a jerk.

The limo is moving around backstage. And out steps a pair of feet. A pair of women’s feet is GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! At least we know Rex Ryan will order.


No, wait. The actual host of Wrestlemania is The Rock! Well, geez. Finally.

The Rock: Finally! Fiiiiiiiiinally, The ROCK has come BACK to Insert Town’s Name Here! And you know what that Rock has realized? Race to Witch Mountain, Fast and the Furious 5, and The Tooth Fairy really don’t do much for your acting career. When Jonathan Coachman is having more success post-wrestling than you? Well…It’s time to come back for a while and remind people that you used to be cool. Anybody remember when The Rock used to be cool?

Crowd: About seven years ago!

Rock: It’s still impressive that you guys can all do that at once. But, yeah. It’s been about that long since I last told Michael Cole that he was a hermaphrodite. But I’m not here to talk about that. Instead I’m here to evaluate the current crop of WWE Main Eventers as compared to myself and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which is fair. First of all, there’s The Miz, who I thought was Justin Beiber when I first saw him. But Beiber is more manly. And Miz is smaller. And John Cena? John Cena?! That’s the guy you got to replace me? Oh, no. No no no no no. Awful. What does “You can’t see me” even mean? What is APPLEDOUGH and where can I get some? God, WWE sucks these days. What the hell are you guys thinking? And what’s with this PG rating? Oh. My. Goodness. “Poop?” “Doodyhead?” In my day we used to say real swears! Things like “Roody Poo” and “Jabroni!” So now that I’m back, and I am back until my film career takes off again, I’m going to systematically destroy everything WWE has built up with these guys in the past seven years. IF YOU SMELL-LA-LA-LA-LA! What Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson™ IS COOKING!

Next Week: The Rock spends two hours talking about what a waste of breath Randy Orton is. Also, Jerry “” Lawler celebrates his big WWE Spinnin’ Title win by trying to pick up twelve year old actresses. And it’s 2/21/11, and you know what that means! The Return of the Man in the Black Leather Jacket! That’s right, Scott Hall accidentally, drunkenly shows up.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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