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RAW SATIRE    
Miz's Addition by Subtraction Theatre

March 3, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: John Cena attempted to whine his way to the top. The Undertaker and Triple H both showed up, shrugged, and hen left. And Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov were robbed of their rightful tag team title shot. Letís make sure that doesnít happen againÖTONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

  

Itís time to play a game. Bwuuuhuhuuuu! I want to play Operation!

Triple H: I know you guys couldnít bear missing out on my opening 20 minute promos anymore. So even though I was comfortable in my office in Stamford, playing with Nibblins, and, to a lesser extent, my daughters Aurora Borealis, Murphy Brown, and the other one. It starts with a V, or something. I honestly wasnít paying attention because Iím sick of all the estrogen in my house.


So, yeah, I guess I didnít just come back for you. And again, Iím only a couple more title runs from catching Ric Flair, at which point TNA will probably give him ten more title runs, so Iíll have to wrestle another twenty years. God. So, The Undertaker. Man, weíre old, Taker. So, basically, itís come down to this. We are so old, and weíve consolidated so much power, that the only people weíll job to at Wrestlemania is each other. So, if weíre going to bother to have a match there, it might as well be each other. And Iím going to end the streak, because really, thatís the last dick move I havenít made yet. And I canít have that hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I canít look my new daughter in her eye and say, ďVÖVerÖVoÖWhatever your name is, I couldnít beat an old man with one knee. Iím sorry.Ē

Hey! Itís King Sheamus! Remember when he took out Triple H?! Hunter doesnít! So he just kicks Sheamus in the Fellas. Then he hits the PEDIGREE TO SHEAMUS~! on the announce table. So maybe he does remember. Or maybe heís just being a dick. Hard to say. Aw, now they donít have a table!

(ads)

Sheamus is still out at ringside. What a wimp! Meanwhile, Jerry ďĒ Lawler gets an email from RAW General Manager Demon Girl. Is giving Jerryís e-mail address out to a twelve year old girl really the best idea, you guys?

Jerry ďĒ Lawler: Wow. I feel like Michael Cole. Hey, you guys remember Evan Bourne? No? WellÖ.

Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

I love how the referees just dump Sheamus back into the ring. Like, ďOh. Ok, whatever.Ē Itís not that Iím not happy to see Evan Bourne back, because, I was just thinking the other day, ďI wonder what happened to Evan Bourne. I wonder if heís being held hostage by Somali Pirates and nobody cared enough to find out. Or maybe Smackdown Pirates. The Corrrrrrrre was trying to use him as leverage to get on a show people actually watch. Like NXT. Again. Bourne wins with his backflip. Which is hilarious, because I donít think Sheamus has actually won a match since he won King of the Ring. Hey look! Michael Cole!

(ads)

This encounter is going to be so epic we had to take a break!

Michael Cole: As wrestlingís top heel, I have to say that Iím a bit embarrassed that Iím only in a feud with Jerry ďĒ Lawler. I mean come on. You want to wrestle me at Wrestlemania? No way! Iím holding out for a match against The Rock. Seriously, you are so far beneath me, itís embarrassing. The only way Iíd agree to face you is if you basically handed me the match so I can start my own version of Undertakerís streak.

Jerry ďĒ Lawler: Look, the paycheck cashes the same way. And itís about the same as jobbing to Andy Kaufman. So sure. Whatever.

Cole: Then let me introduce you to my managerÖJack Swagger! What do you think about that?

Lawler: Whatís he going to teach you, exactly? How to lisp and lose matches? Iím not exactly intimidated.

ďThe Legal EagleĒ Wade Barrett: Yay! IíM GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Then Swagger locks Lawler in an Anklelock. Which is admittedly more intimidating than a faxback.

Backstage, Randy Orton is looking for Michael Tarver.

(ads)

Ok. Lay it on us, Ranky.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the LKG Girlís Chocolatechip. And I halves to know, has anybody seen Marcus Tarcus. Iíve been looking all over for that guys. Oh well. So, I was tinkering to myself backstage, what would a face say to CN Chunk in this situation? And then I reorganized that it would be that I want to critical him so bad and punk him so hard, that he has to spend the rest of his minstrel life wetting himself and shipping his pants. CN Chunk, Iím going to make you bran dead! Because thatís what a fade would do!

CM Punk: Man, you are the worst face of all time. Well, you know what. Whatever. Iím going to kill you, Randy. How about that? Is that subtle enough? <The Nexus> is going to walk down the aisle. Into the ring. And you are going to die.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: Thank you, Michael Cole, for giving me the RAW GMís e-mail. She says, ďOMG, I canít believe this isnít already booked for Wrestlemania. Oh well, I guess now we can just have singles matches between Orton and <The Nexus> from here on out. And to ensure that none of them collect paychecks that weekend, the losers will be banned from Wrestlemania and will have to spend that weekend at a Ring of Honor show or something stupid. And if anybody interferes in this match, then Iím banning anybody from this show from ever speaking to each other ever again. I OWN YOUR SOULS!Ē

Michael McGillicutty vs. Randy Orton

WellÖThis is one down. The sad thing about all this is that I really do like McGillicutty. Out of all the previous cast of NXTs, heís easily my third or fourth favorite (Wade Barrett, That One Girl, and this guy), but I really, really hate typing out Michael McGillicutty. Also I havenít been able to figure out what is going on with the pattern on his trunks. Iím pretty sure itís random. Orton dumps McGillicutty to start, which seems like a smart move so we get time for some more-

(ads)

Gotta pay the bills somehow, right Randy? Nice dropkick by McGillicutty, which I swear is the first actual move used in this match. McGillicutty gets about thirty seconds of offense in and then does all of his moves while Cole and Mathews speculate what sort of voices Orton might be hearing in his head. Maybe he can consult with Charlie Sheen. Sheen would make a hell of a wrestling personality. How has he not bought RAW yet? I just sort of realized that both the owner and GM of RAW are preteen girls. No wonder Randy is getting such a prominent spot. McGillicutty falls over. Orton wins! Punk begs Orton not to punt McGillicutty in the head, but Orton does it anyway. Way to teach the kids how to stick up for yourself, Randy!

You know what this show needs? More guys in Masks! The Miz and Alex Riley sure think so!

(ads)

You know who came to play?

The Miz: The Rock wonít even pay attention to me. What in the hell do I have to do? His marriage failed because he couldnít keep up with his wife! Doom sucked! I have been on more talk shows than him because more people watched that one season of Real World than any of Rockís movies put together. God, somebody PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Alex Riley: I still lik-

Miz: Shut up, Alex. I canít believe I won the Tag Team Titles last week. What the hell was that all about? I was really just trying to stick it to Santino, and I guess things just got out of hand and we ended up with the titles. Thank God we had the opportunity to lose them seconds later. Who wouldíve predicted it? Anyway, Iím pretty sure Iím going to beat Cena at Wrestlemania, because Iím pretty much still the face in this feud. And then for good measure, Iím going to punch The Rock right in the face for hisj part in the cinematic abortion known as The Game Plan.

Riley: I hate you so much.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YOOOO! YOOO!

John Cena and the Miz!
Gonna have a match!
Weíre GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
Your title I will snatch!

Iíve got a doctorís note,
I stuffed it in my pants,
It says that Miz is stupid,
And needs a brain transplant!

The only donor is Riley,
Heís never used his brain!
Maybe you can share,
Youíll be twice as smart as Dwayne!

I shouldnít pick on you two,
Youíre the best of bosom buddies.
If WWE were a college,
Youíd major in male studies!

Thatís right, John Cena is back,
Telling jokes that are in poor taste!
Iím no longer rated G, homey,
Now my promos are just a waste!

So Iíll see you in a few weeks Miz,
Donít forget to bring your sneer,
Iím feuding with The Rock now,
And THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Miz: Yeah. And the champ is me. And listen, John, I hate Alex as much as the next guy, but thereís no reason to get down on him. He has nothing to do with this feud.

Riley: Thanks. I think.

Cena: Ok, well, then letís get him involved. I want a match with him, and if I win, he gets fire-

Miz: DEAL!

Riley: Hey!

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager Demon Girl. And I quote, ďI hate Alex Riley almost as much as I hate The Miz. So weíll put this match in a steel cage match. I WILL SKIN YOU ALL ALIVE!Ē

(ads)

Nikki Bella vs. Brie Bella vs. Natalya vs. Maryse vs. Alicia Fox vs. Melina vs. Gail Kim vs. Tamina
In an Eight Diva Battle Royal for the Number One Contendership to the WWE Undefined Divas Title

A tightly contested race to be sure. One of the Bella Twins is eliminated while the bell is still ringing, which barely even registers with Eve Torres who is doing commentary at ringside and jabbering about something or rather. Whereís Stevie Ray when you need him. I mean, come on, they brought Booker back. Eve is somehow a worse commentator than she is a wrestler. Predictably, the match ends with The Other Bella Twin swapping out of the match so that the fresh one could win it. How has that move never been used to win a Battle Royal before? The Vilanos should be 18 Time WCW Champions.

(ads)

He is The Rock! Remember him? Heís at home.

The Rock: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! You know what? Iím not going to rap. Mostly because I have people who do that sort of stuff for me. Gerald, come in here and rap for The Rock!

Gerald:

John Cena is whack.
He likes Marmalade,
If he was any less cool,
Heíd march in a parade.

The Rock: That was lame as hell, get out of here, Gerald. Anyway, the point is that The Rock thinks so little of John Cena that he canít even bother to cut a promo against him there in the arena, or even with his own mouth. And The Rock thinks so little of the dozens (AND Dozens) of fans there in whatever hick town WWE is playing tonight, that heís going to pipe in his own chants!

A Tape from 1999: Goooooooldberg! Gooooooooldberg!

Rock: The Rock has so much money now it DOESNíT MATTER what that tape is chanting. Anyway, The Rock thinks John Cena said something about how The Rock doesnít love WWE in between whining for his blankee and some juice boxes last week. The Rock doesnít love WWE?! THE ROCK DOESNíT LOVE WWE?! Would a man who doesnít love WWE do a pretaped interview so he doesnít have to go to Buffalo? Would a man who doesnít love WWE hide his WWE Titles in a basement bathroom next to a prop sword he bought on eBay? Would a man who doesnít love WWE buy a display case featuring TNA Superstar Kurt Angle for some reason? Would that same man who doesnít love WWE sit here and make fun of WWE Films? I meanÖThe Marine?! Am I right? John Cena youíre half the man that Doink was. Youíre a low rent version of The Road Dogg, and you donít even have nearly as much charisma as Billy Gunn. This generation of Wrestling suuuuuucks, and The Rock got out just in time! But if you want to get buried? Well then hell yeah, The Rock will bury the crap out of you. If you smelllllllllllllalala what the RockÖis cookiní.

(ads)

And now we catch up with Shawn Michaels on his cow couch.

Shawn Michaels: Hunterís wrestling Undertaker this year? Oh come on. I just did that. Twice! Canít he come up with one thing on his own? I meanÖI guess marrying his bossís daughter is something I didnít think of. I wish I wouldíve. Could you imagine? Haha. But seriously, get the hell out of my house.

Daniel Bryan vs.-

Miz runs out and attacks Bryan because we donít have enough time for another amazing Daniel Bryan match right now. We have more important things to do. Like cage matches. And more cow couch. Before Mizí attack can get too far, Bryan gently touches him on the side of the face, making his knees weak, and then he crowd surfs his way to the top of the arena. When he arrives, he latches onto the two most beautiful women he can find in the arena (obviously plants, but still), and says that when youíre Daniel Bryan, you donít need a drug like Charlie Sheen to get high. And then he explodes into a million colors. Miz asks politely for the cage to be lowered.

(ads)

John Cena vs. Alex Riley
In a Steel Cage Match for Alex Rileyís Job

Michael Cole does an awesome job constantly changing his mind on whether or not he likes Miz anymore. And then he gets into an argument with Josh Mathews about whether or not Miz owns an iPhone. Despite the fact that he said earlier that he wouldnít get involved in this match, and that he hates Alex Riley, Miz canít help but slam the cage door, his phone, and a chair into John Cenaís face. IÖcanít really fault him for doing any of that. Plus, I think I read somewhere that if you slam your phone into Cenaís face enough times, eventually you Tweet Hamlet.

(ads)

Ok, Iíve been trying it on my own face, and so far all Iíve gotten is most of a Whoís The Boss episode and the chorus to seminal rock classic ďParty in the USAĒ by Miley Cyrus. I donít know what Iím doing wrong. Alex Riley takes control of the match for about ten seconds, then Cena gives him the Attitude Adjustment to end that nonsense. Miz comes over to the door and does the classic, ďpretend to hold the door shut, but then swing it open when the other guy comes to push on it so he goes flying out and lands on his headĒ move. Classic! Miz is the most clever man in an inside out turquoise suit coat Iíve ever seen. Then he gives him a Skull Crushing Finale too, for kicks. Miz is predictably happy about getting rid of Alex Riley.

Next Week: Steve Austin shows up, sees the sad state of WWE affairs and goes back home. Also, John Cena responds to The Rock, and to Miz, maybe. If thereís time. And Alex Riley and Michael Tarver share people watching tips with the audience at home.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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