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FINALLY! G-Rilla is Here!

March 10, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Triple H talked on and on and on and on about…I forget. Plus, The Rock buried the entire promotion without ever leaving home. And The Miz finally got rid of Alex Riley. Who else will he get rid of…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

The Undertaker is wandering sloooooowly out to ringside to Johnny Cash. As exciting wrestling music, it’s not exactly Limp Bizkit. I bet I’m the first one to make that point!
The Undertaker: At Wrestlemania, two legends will do battle. Two icons who have defined our sport will do battle. I am, of course, referring to Michael Cole and Jerry “” Lawler. Big props to that match. Now a lot of people think that I’m too old to keep winning Wrestlemania matches. I mean, I’ve got to lose sometime, right? And who better to lose to than The Glass Ceiling himself, Triple H? Well…Here’s a video package of me beating up Shawn Michaels, Who is not Triple H.

Yep. He sure did.

Taker: Hey, so let’s do an Extreeeeeme Rules match. Is that still what the kids are calling it? Agh. I don’t know. I really just wish I was wrestling Sting. All right, that’s all I’ve got. Later.

Is Undertaker even on this show?

Backstage, Randy Orton is tickling the remaining members of The NEW Nexus (Now With Lemon Fresh Scent!). Mason Ryan is not big on tickles, though, and he slams Orton into an empty metal box. Why was that sitting around backstage? Does it belong to the arena?

CM Punk: Last week, you sent Michael McGillicutty to the hospital. Tonight, we send you to someplace even worse.

David Otunga: Cleveland?!

Punk: Err…Mayyyyybe?


David Otunga vs. Randy Orton

Every Referee is in the ring. This is going to be the best officiated match of all time! Sadly, they all quietly leave until it’s just WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan left with them. The story of the match is that Orton’s head really hurts, so Otunga just beats the crap out of him for two minutes. Orton gets beat so bad he forgets to take his T-Shirt off to show off his terrible tattoos. But then Otunga gets so tired from beating on Orton that he falls over. Orton wins! Then Mason Ryan trips on a sweat spot and falls over. Orton wins again! CM Punk, however, is too smart just to fall over this time, so Orton kicks Otunga in the head and completely stops selling the beat down he got. He’s worse than John Cena. And a bigger heel than anybody in the company right now!


The Miz isn’t going to be here tonight. Which is a great idea, considering he’s the champion on his way to Wrestlemania.

Chris Tian vs. Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)

Hey! Chris Tian! I missed that guy! And I’d be really excited about this match, except for the fact that these guys ARE NOT ON THIS SHOW! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaait! Who is that with Alberto? It’s…It’s…G-Rilla! Omigod. Omigod. Oh. My. God. I…don’t know what to even say. For three years I’ve used G-Rilla as the standard to which all other terrible wrestlers are held. And now he’s here on RAW and…IT’S G-RILLA! G-RILLA IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! And then Alberto makes my dreams come true, by making a new match!

Chris Tian vs. G-Rilla (w/ Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez)

Hell yes. I don’t even care that neither of these guys are on this show, or that G-Rilla might not even work for WWE, or that WWE Diva Josh Mathews is, for some reason, shilling for K-Mart of all companies. G-Rilla is in a WWE ring having a WWE Match against a guy who works for WWE. It’s like the Twilight Zone. And then G-Rilla just lets Christian run into his forhead, and that’s a move I guess. I’ve totally lost it. I cannot pay attention to the rest of this match. I think Christian won. Or K-Mart. And then Christian sells an Ascot Shot to the face. Which Randy Orton could learn a thing or two from.


No better way to introduce Rey Misterio Jr. Jr. than to show him wrestling Chavo Guerrero in what appears to be…The WCW Power Plant.

You know who else is going to be in the WWE Hall of Fame? Sunny! AOL’s Most Downloaded Woman! Which really doesn’t mean as much as it used to. Bret Hart is going to be really excited. Josh Mathews is really excited that another Diva got in.


Eve Torres (w/ Gail Kim) vs. Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella)

So, $100 says that Sin Cara is just Triple H in a mask with a bad Mexican accent. This match does kind of make me wonder why Josh hasn’t ever won the WWE Divas Title. Does anybody even remember that this feud is about Daniel Bryan? Or that the Bella Twins are basically the same person so it doesn’t really matter which one wins the Diva’s Title? To his credit, Michael Cole just gives up on calling this crap halfway through and starts screaming at the top of his lungs that he doesn’t care about Divas matches and just hurry up and do the Bella Twins switch already. They do, but the wrong Bella switches into the match and Nikki gets beat with a neckbreaker. That May or May Not Be Eve’s Move!


Snooki just bought RAW! This Wrestlemania thing just keeps getting better and better! Way to steal her away from TNA, WWE!

Michael Cole: I’ve been talking to the Facebooks and Twitters, and I know that literally nobody is talking about who the guest referee at Wrestlemania is going to be for my match against Jerry “” Lawler. And because nothing’s ever gone wrong during contract signings before, I’ve got a blank contract right here. No way I’m going to screw myself with this one. Nope. Not going to happen. So here’s the guy you’ve all been waiting for…JBL!

There’s a sign in the crowd that says “Autin” which is either an awesome social commentary or really sad. JBL stole Alberto Del Rio’s gimmick! Where’s G-Rilla?

John Bradshaw Leyfield: God, I don’t miss this. I’m not going to sign the contract just yet because nothing’s going wrong with that. Man, remember when I used to be relevant? And then I quit because I hated being around people like Michael Cole? Well…Now I need the money again. I’ve come a long way from being able to buy Shawn Michaels. I mean, I never thought I’d leave and basically nothing would’ve changed. CM Punk and John Cena are still main eventing. What the hell? We really need a guy backstage to beat people in the showers and poop in some bags to toughen up this roster again.

Remember Stone Cold Steve Austin? Well…here he is! And he’s back to giving everybody the finger which is nice. Austin doesn’t say a single word. He just Stunners JBL and signs the referee contract, which I guess, is legally binding. And…That’s it? Well, ok then. Austin and Rock are GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! Let’s party like it’s 1999! Now that JBL’s out, Punk should come out and pour carrot juice down his throat. Michael Cole is a terrible actor, by the way. Josh Mathews just looks embarrassed.


Daniel Bryan vs. King Sheamus

Nobody still remembers that Sheamus was the one who injured Triple H in the first place. Daniel Bryan doesn’t even bother to come to the ring, opting instead to sit at the top of the ramp drinking a martini and eating olives. Sheamus wanders out to grab himself a drink, and breaks his ankle. Then he challenges Daniel to a match next week and calls him “Fella.” If Sheamus loses, he’s going to have to quit in shame, because losing is a shameful thing. Bryan puts on a coat made out of live minks and has sex with every woman in the building simultaneously.


R-Truth vs. CM Punk (w/ Mason Ryan)

What’s Up? What’s Up? You can get with this, or you can get with that. Bananarama in my pants, what’s up? Truth annoys everyone by rapping over the highlight package of CM Punk’s night so far. There was the attack on Otunga. Then finger sandwiches and revenge on JBL. What’s up? Truth keeps getting awful cover attempts, and Punk just looks annoyed that he’s wasting his time with R-Truth. Then Punk locks in the Anaconda Vise, and Mathews and Lawler (who’s out there now by the way) act like that was the plan all along. That’s Not His Move Anymore! But whatever.

Shawn’s still sitting on the cow couch.

Shawn Michaels: You guys want a failing arcade business? I don’t know why I invested in that. Who goes to Chucky Cheese anymore? I mean…who pays $10,000 for Shawn Michaels to show up to your Bat Mitzvah? Do you suppose JBL is still rich and hiring? My life is a damn sham. Anybody want to buy a bow? I hear Carbon Express makes the best hunting bows in the world. Yep. Carbon Express. I…you want me to talk about Triple H and Undertaker? No. Get the hell off my cow couch.

Hey! It’s that one lady!


And she’s still here!

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Despite what you may have heard, I did not buy RAW. I am not Snooki. Ok. So here’s the deal. Dolph and I got fired from Smackdown. And we spent about ten weeks on RAW anyway, so we decided to just go ahead and sign here. I know you were all thinking we’d end up in New Japan or JAPW, but no! We’re right here on RAW!

Dolph Ziggler: I don’t really consider my title run to be official either if that helps.

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. John Morrison

Hey! These two guys may or may not be the exact same person. Jerry “” Lawler, the world’s hillbilliest man wastes no time calling Vickie fat while she hob knobs with future WWE Diva Hall of Famer Josh Mathews. We spend so much time orbiting around Vickie (because She’s So Fat, am I right, Jerry “” Lawler?!) that we forget to pay attention to the match, and John Morrison is outside the ring and has a terrible beard for some reason, and I really like Vickie’s top.


Dolph Ziggler looks like Sid Viscous. I just noticed that and it’s going to bother me for the rest of the night. Vickie gets all weird about Snooki because Snookie is in love with Eddie or Edge or something. She’s twice the commentator Michael Cole is though. “Dolph sure is smart. Tee Hee.” Did John Morrison steal Berzerker’s boots? HUSS HUSS! I…am apparently writing a fashion reprot now. Jerry Lawler’s shirt is weird and sort of terrible. WWE RAW General Manager Demon Girl is awfully sad that the show’s owner is no longer a twelve year old girl. Although Snooki isn’t too far removed. Anyway, Vickie is wrestling against Trish Stratus next week for her job. Well, no problem. Vickie has had more matches than Trish in the past two years. The Police escort her out. Hey! Sting is on RAW!


John Cena looks upset about The Rock’s mocking him.

John Cena: Omigod, you guys! I’m feuding with The Rock! It’s like I was part of WWE back when it was WWF and it was so cool! I don’t even care that he’s burying me from his bathroom basement and calling me “Fruity Pebbles” or “Barney’s Butthole!” I mean, that’s a bad word, and we don’t say bad words on this show, but it’s ok! He’s The Rock! I haven’t been this happy since I got to sing with my best friend and cousin Tha Trademarc, who is a rap superstar. Do you guys want to hear me rap? Well I can’t because I’m so excited! Rock, I just wish you would come to Monday Night RAW! I really want to meet you. I’m your biggest fan! Please come to RAW! Please? Maybe Alberto Del Rio will let you borrow the car that JBL stole. Or Daniel Bryan will let you ride his unicorn! Pleeeeeease?

Suddenly, The Miz decks him in the back of the head with the WWE Spinnin’ Title.

The Miz: Seriously, you guys? Does anybody remember that I. Am. Also. In. This. Match? It’s The Miz vs. John Cena. And not Dwayne “The Miz” Johnson either. I mean, I know I told the Twitterverse that I wouldn’t be here tonight, but you guys. Really. I used to get annoyed at Edge’s “Can a Girl Get a Salad” stuff, but seriously, could a girl get a salad here? I’m getting dangerously close to Triple H feuding with Stephanie McMahon and their dog (featuring Chris Jericho on banjo) territory here. What more do I have to do?

Miz hits Cena again and then does The People’s Elbow.

Miz: Rock, you like to shove things up people’s asses? That’s gross. So I’m going to take your basement bathroom, your T-Shirts, your dad, your grandpa, your second cousin twice removed’s roomate’s nephew, and we’re all going to Applebees. To Celebrate my big win at Wrestlemania! Because I’m The Miz, and despite popular belief, I’m GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Next Week: The WWE Diva’s Title match is interrupted by nothing in particular, and cancelled due to lack of interest. Sheamus wins the WWE United States Title when Daniel Bryan forfeits it so that he can spend more time saving the universe with Charlie Sheen. And Snooki accidentally shows up on WCW Thunder somehow.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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