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RAW SATIRE    
The Night of the Big Red Tromboner

March 31, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: An epic showdown occurred when CM Punk began his Wrestlemania feud with Randy Orton’s Bus. Also, The Miz was still WWE Champion. No, seriously. Look it up on Wikipedia. And Chris Jericho danced with some “stars.” Maybe we’ll further define the term…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey! It’s CM Punk! Sitting Indian Style in the ring for the worst game of Duck Duck Grey Duck in the history of our great sport.

  
CM Punk: Hey guys! I know we’re in Chicago, but I want you to try really hard to make me a heel here. For whatever reason, despite the fact that he tried to end the careers of all my friends, and literally turned poor Husky Harris into a mental patient, and all I wanted to do was see his sweet bus and meet his wife. And despite the fact that I’m bigger in Chicago than Oprah. Because I can be a real jerk too!


Like…I can ask people for coffee? And I’d probably get it. And I have a stupid hair cut. These are heel things! Kicking people in he head is not! So, anyway…I’M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! That’s all I’ve got. Peace.

But wait! Here’s Randy Orton! He’s out here tonight in defense of his bus! But he’s limping around thanks to the bulky kneepad he’s got on his right knee. Just take it off, dude!

At first, Randy has no problem taking out Punk, as the power of the Bus compels him to exact revenge on Punk for daring to want to meet the “actress” playing his wife last week. But when he goes to kick Punk in the head, Randy can’t properly wind up due to that bulky knee pad, so Punk just knees him in the face and escapes. Geez. Learn to buy better equipment, Randall. You don’t see Sheamus running around in clown shoes. He’d never be able to do his one move! The Finisher of Champions!

Backstage….

Chris Tian: Remember when we were in The Brood?

Edge Tian: Um…Vaguely.

Christian: What the hell ever happened to Gangrel?

Edge: I heard he accidentally choked on his goblet of blood during the filming of his porn opus Miami Rump Shakerz 3D and was never seen again.

Christian: Oh. I heard that he was stabbed through the chest by Van Hammer.

Edge: That makes sense. Hey, do you think I should apologize to Demon Girl for breaking her computer that one time? After all, she is letting us wrestle Alberto Del Rio and professional wrestler G-Rilla tonight.

Christian: Nah, she said you had “those crazy eyes.” That attack was totally justified.

Edge: Fair enough.

(ads)

Edge and Chris Tian vs. Alberto Del Rio and G-Rilla (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)

Oh man. You guys remember, like, seven years ago? When this show was still cool? Well, these two used to be the best tag team, right? I am, of course, referring to ADR and G-Rilla. I don’t really remember anything Edge and Christian did other than play a kazoo one time. Edge does a baseball slide into Christian’s back to knock over G-Rilla, which…hurting your partner doesn’t seem to be the soundest strategy, but who am I to judge. Other than being the best judge of wrestling talent and storylines in IWC history. In your face, Dave Meltzer!

(ads)

I think WWE Diva Josh Mathews, in between Cole bitching about Lawler, just insinuated that Del Rio and G-Rilla have a…less than professional relationship. I don’t know if I can handle how awesome that would be, show. Thankfully NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE ON THIS SHOW?! Why is this match happening here? Geez. And isn’t the whole point of not allowing ADR and Edge not to touch each other on Smackdown to avoid wasting them like this? Of course they barely touch each other, so the whole thing is moot. Then Edge ignores Chris as he gets the crap kicked out of him by ADR at ringside. I hope that doesn’t come back to haunt him! Edge finally runs Alberto off, but ends up in the Arm Bar (that’s his move!) anyway.

(ads)

I can’t wait to dress up as Sin Cara for Halloween this year. Probably three months after he’s been fired!

Some soldiers are at ringside, trying to get Finlay fired.

Backstage, The Miz does unholy things with the WWE Logo. I think he’s trying to put the F back in!

OMG MICHAEL COLE IS INTELLEGENT ENOUGH TO GET A COMPUTER IN HIS CUBICAL! Not one that makes sounds, but it’s a start.

Michael Cole: May I have your attention please? RAW General Manager Demon Girl is a little creeped out by Jerry “” Lawler. Ok. A LOT creeped out. So she’s going o put him in match tonight against the only guy who creeps her out even more! My best friend Jack Swagger. I think it’s his hair that does it. Anyway. There’s a match tonight.

A long-ass Triple H/Undertaker video! Oh man! Hunter Hearst Helmsley! Stephanie! Old School Gimmickry Undertaker! Bikertaker! Ric Flair! Sheamus! How many random elements can we put in here! Bossman! Hell yes. This video is officially off the hook.

(ads)

Justin Gabriel (w/ The Corrrrrrrrrrrrre) vs. Santino Marella (w/ Kane, The Big Show, Vladamir Kozlov and Tamina)

Ok, look, I appreciate More Kane more than anybody. Even if it makes no sense given his character for most of the last year, Kane is awesome no matter what. Isn’t having Tamina at ringside an unfair advantage for Team Santino? Whatever. All I was going to say is that MORE THAN HALF OF THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT ON THIS SHOW! Knock it off, Smackdown! Leave your people over on SyFy! After the match, Vlad looks like a total weird doing the Trombone, but then Kane does it and is immediately the most amazing wrestler in the history of our great sport. We need MORE Kane trombone.

(ads)

Someday, I hope to be the celebrity inducted into the Hall of Fame. It’s not going to be on Saturday this year, which is stupid.

Whoever Keri Hilson is will be doing whatever Keri Hilson does at Wrestlemania. Should be a good one.

Oh sure, Undertaker says that there ain’t no grave that can hold his body down. But what if it was made of oatmeal? What then?! Taker cuts off Hunter’s music with a gong, which is the best. They should just shut up and not say anything. Best build up ever. They’re GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! But here to muckity muck things up is World’s Most Embarassing Dad Shawn Michaels what with his beany cap and old man dance moves. Both Hunter and Taker look like they want to beat the crap out of him. Book it!

Shawn Michaels: Guys! Guys! What are you doing? Everybody knows you can not have a Wrestlemania build-up without Shawn Michaels! I’m Mr. Wrestlemania! Why in the hell did you let me sit on my cow couch for a month? I mean that cow couch is awesome, but I don’t get paid for sitting on my cow couch. Actually, that’s kind of a lie. Have you seen my beanie cap and T-Shirt? Who wants to buy some outdoorsy gear? I’ve got outdoorsy gear coming out of my ass up in here, and I want you all to come down to Outdoor Edge and buy some crap. And tell ‘em Shawn sent you because I get 5% commission! So Hunter, what the hell makes you think that you can beat Undertaker on your second try? I sure couldn’t!

HHH: Shawn, you couldn’t beat Undertaker because you’re a caricature of your former self. You’re just a balding guy who wants to prance around wearing advertisements and go home and sit on your cow couch. With all due respect, by the time Taker retired you, you were pretty lame.

Shawn: A fair point!

HHH: As for Undertaker, you know how I know I’m going to beat him? Because 16 years ago, when I walked into this locker room, there was only one man I feared. One big dog who I knew I had to watch out for. And that was The Mountie. And The Mountie isn’t here anymore. He went back to…Canada or whatever. So now nothing’s going to stop me from beating The Undertaker!

Shawn: Nothing except for the fact that you couldn’t do it when you had the chance a couple years ago.

HHH: What was that?

Shawn: Nothing. Have I tried to sell you a crossbow yet?

HHH: Anyway, have I said how much I love Undertaker yet? Taker, you were my favorite character in the Wresting All Stars arcade game. And every time I turned on WWE Superstars on Saturday mornings, I loved watching you make Ultimate Warrior puke. And I thought to myself, one day, I want that guy to make me puke! But it’s like I told Shawn, here, a couple years ago, “If I ever see a guy who’s career is about to end, I’m going to try to make a quick buck off of that.” So, with all due respect Booger, I’m about to make a couple bucks off ending your career! It’s going to be awesome. And then I’m going to cash in on that by coming out the next night and blowing out both my quads again. And going over Sheamus. Probably in that order. So…yeah. Prepare to be taken out behind the shed and stabbed by Van Hammer. Because if anybody is going to end your career, I’m the one. As in “The One” Billy Gunn. No. Wait. Er…I was on to something there, I swear….

The Undertaker: Hunter, I know this animosity has been building between us for a while now. I am, after all, your wife’s ex-husband. And let me tell you, that if anybody were to end my career, I’d want it to be G-Rilla. But you are a close seventh. Right after Super Porky, but ahead of Eve Torres. But before we get too far into this mutual respect society thing, let me make fun of Shawn Michaels for a second. Shawn, we had two really awesome Wrestlemania matches, and after I retired you last year, I thought you’d go out on a high. I mean…come on. What better way to end your career? I figured you’d take the next train to TNA, and manage Beer Money and flail around bleeding all over everybody for $5 an hour and ten people who thought they were in line for the Batman roller coaster. But you didn’t! Instead you opened a Chuck E Cheese franchise in the worst arcade economy of all time and spent the rest of your days whining to Whyspyr about how much your back hurt while you sprawled out on your cow couch and grew the girliest looking beard I ever saw. So, I guess what I’m saying is, I’d still really rather have a match with you than Hunter.

Shawn loves the idea and loads up the Superkick, but Taker shoves him off and starts to choke him. Hunter is having none of that.

HHH: Shawn! You stupid jerk! Stop being such a wuss and back me up here.

Shawn: I should never have come out here! I miss my cow couch! WAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: I can’t afford a couch! WAAAAAAH!

And then Taker buys a crossbow and leaves.

(ads)

Jerry “” Lawler vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole)

When did they change Lawler’s theme song to something from the “Windows Themes” collection. Are they really going to let Josh Mathews call a match by himself? That’s asking for trouble. I do have to say, Swagger is awfully creepy. And he’s got really long arms. It’s nice to see that Lawler is suffering no ill effects from his beat down last week. In fact, he is feeling so well he just grabs a chair and wails on Jack Swagger for the DQ. Michael Cole helps him celebrate by spraying him with a glass of Diet Pepsi. CM Punk is going to be pissed! I do appreciate that Josh’s technique in calling this epic showdown was…just to not say anything. At all. He’s the best announcer they have!

(ads)

If Hunter can’t control this rowdy bunch of kids on this bus, how will he ever take down Undertaker? And why isn’t his bus as nice as Orton’s?

Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Daniel Bryan and John Morrison

Vickie comes out with Morrison’s entrance, and screeches that Snooki should be used to being on her back. Speaking of people used to lying on their backs, Daniel Bryan everybody! Secret agent by day, even secreter agent by night! Hobbyist professional wrestler and Hoboist professional traveler. It’s a good thing Lay Cool isn’t out here tonight, or they’d have been tempted to Lay Down with Daniel Bryan during his entrance. And then Undertaker would have to come out. And you know what a hassle that is.

(ads)

Sheamus calls Morrison a “Fella” and Morrison is nearly wiped out, but he quickly gets the hot tag to Bryan, who comes in the ring and proceeds to recite Caesar’s Gaulic War both in the original Latin and in Mandarin. Suddenly realizing that there’s a match going on in his vicinity, he locks the LaBell Lock on Dolph, and then on Sheamus. But Sheamus barely notices that Daniel-san is there, and he hits the Razor’s Edge on nothing in particular. But that’s enough. Sheamus wins!

Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with Randy Orton.

Scott Stanford: Randy Orton, that’s a hell of an ice pack you’ve got that there. What can you tell me about it?

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WGN Girl’s Chocolatchip! And Stan Scottsteiner, the question you asker me shouldn’t not be whether I can walk into Wigglestralia, but whether BD Bunk will be waltzing out!

Stanford: Actually, I was just asking you about that ice pack.

Orton: Oh. Yeah. It’s cool.

In the WWE Hall of Fame? How about the Legion of Road Warriors?! What a great honor for Road Warrior Animal and Jon Hrrnrrnrr! What are the chances that they get inducted by Rocco?!

Meanwhile, on the Jersey Shore….

Danny D: Yo! What’s up! I’m in the Background!

Michael Tarver: You tell ‘em!

Trish Stratus: Oh God. I’ve been drinking since mid-February. The pain just won’t go away.

Snooki: Trish here has been teaching me all sorts of moves. She’s quite the accomplished pugilist! I must say! Apparently all the women on this show do is slap each other and roll around on the ground, however. Which doesn’t seem very dignified!

Trish: You know who I miss? A-Train. No idea why, though. That guy was a dick! AHAHA! Get it? Prince Albert? Dick? Oh man. I crack me up.

Snooki: Yes. Well. Time to test out my new sparring techniques on an unwitting passerby!

Snooki slaps Danny D.

Danny D: OW! I knew I should’ve stayed home with Roadkill!

Back in the arena….

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: What’s that? Lay Cool just showed up on what is totally not a set and a fight that was totally not filmed on a completely different day?!

And sure enough, Snooki, Trish, Layla, and Michelle are spilling drinks and rolling around on the floor with each other. Man. Best. Frat Party. Ever. EVER!

(ads)

Backstage….

Ok…never mind.

The Rock: Finally! The Rock has come BACK! To Chicago! And why The Rock agreed to come back to Chicago, I’ll never know. Well, except…do you remember when we used to have Wrestlemania in arenas instead of football fields? Well, The Rock wrestled in his first Wrestlemania in this very stadium! I think a whole four people ordered that PPV. Man, those were the days. Anyway, who wants to join Team Bring It? It’s a simple thing, all about living your dreams, sticking things up asses, and making fun of people! All you need to join Team Bring it is $29.95 and buy the new Team Bring It T-Shirt and fund The Rock’s basement bathroom office renovation project! The Rock is covering the whole thing in millions AND MILLIONS of dollars worth of gold and expensive chachkis! Right now on the Shopzone! THE MERCHANDISING CHAMP IS HERE!

Did Rock just steal a catchphrase? Well then, I think we can all agree that a John Cena interruption is…APPROPOS!

John Cena: Hey look! It’s the Rock! I finally goaded you enough to actually show up and here on RAW and not Snaptown or whatever the hell other show we have. Tough Enough? Well, whatever. You’re here now, and not making some stupid Disney Movie that grosses $5 million about babies fighting off alien invasions or some crap. Rock…I was just kind of disappointed. You made fun of my crappy T-Shirt, which is fine. I mean, you’re the Marketing Champ. But then you had to be all racist about it. And you don’t like the fact that I market my beatings and violent tendencies to children under the age of four. DON’T MAKE ME BATTLE RAP WITH YOU, ROCK! I’LL DO IT! I’LL GO GET THA TRADEMARC AND MC BUMPY KNUCLKES!

The Rock: Is this an appropriate time for an out of place Jesus reference?

Cena: That guy stabbed me once!

Rock: Monkey anus!

The Miz: Ok, you guys. Hoooooly crap. Does anybody remember that I’m in this match? How many times do I need to beat down John Cena before somebody other than Conan O’Brien recognizes that I too am GOING TO WRESTELMANIA~!?

What’s with the giant sweat stains all over the ring? Gross! Somebody get Dolph Ziggler a towel or something.

Miz: Hey, The Rock! Congratulations on your crappy movie career! Good thing your insurance doesn’t cover wrestling anymore! I think you could probably get away with punching Alex Riley here, but that’s about it. I’d take it though, while you have the chance. Cuz I’m the Miz, and I’m AWESOME!

Rock: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! Woah, kinda missed me cue there. A little rusty!

Riley takes a swing at Miz, but misses and nails Rock. That, of course, gets Rocky all fired up, and he lays into Riley. Then he turns on Miz, getting in some classic Rock Punches and a DDT. People’s Elbow! But Cena ends all the 1999 partying with an Attitude Adjustment to Rock. Rock literally can’t see him if he’s been knocked out! Great thinking, John!

Also kind of a dick move.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: FOUR HOURS of Rock cracking jokes about John Cena while Wade Barrett tries to remember that one move he knows. Plus, Snooki becomes WWE Diva’s Champion somehow, even though Eve Torres isn’t even on the card. And the Undertaker and Triple H fight to a draw. 18-0-1! It’s still Hockey Season!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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