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RAW SATIRE    
Baby Talk

April 7, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: The Rock showed everyone what a Wrestlemania Main Event was supposed to be all about. The Undertaker earned a well deserved vacation after his…um…one night of work. And Daniel Bryan proved too amazing to be contained by Wrestlemania. Maybe he’ll finally have a match…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

 
Hey! Jim Ross! It wasn’t feeling enough like 1999 around here! What stunning humiliation will lead to his next untimely departure? Bets start to the right. And here’s Triple H, who is actually walking after losing to Undertaker, which is more than Takerster can say. Hunter’s barely even limping. How’d you lose that match, dude? Hunter awaits chants that never really form.
 


Triple H: So, I guess I’m not retired. Didn’t Taker say that if I lost to him, that I was going to die or get retired or something? None of that happened. Man, remember when I wrestled him at Wrestlemania that one time? Not last night. But that other time. What was that feud all about anyway? What was this one all about? Man, I don’t know. I’m just pissed off because nobody sold anybody’s offense last night, and that bother’s me because nobody is supposed to no-sell my offense! High knees all around! Anyway, I forget what I actually came out here for, so I’m just going to challenge Taker to a match at next year’s Wrestlemania. That’s a thing, right? I can do that? Nobody is going to remember in three months anyway. So, yeah. Undertaker, you only wrestle one match a year! Make it be against me! Again! Or Whatever! I don’t care. As long as I don’t end up wrestling Daniel Bryan and getting thrown off the card.

(ads)

Michael Cole still rocking the Tribute to the Tazz outfit. Now if he was only four feet shorter.

Michael Cole: Did you know, technically, according to the $850 I won in Vegas, I won a match at Wrestlemania? That almost makes my transition into Jonathan Coachman 2.0 worthwhile. So, from now on, you’ll refer to me by the nickname of WWE Hall of Famer Shawn Michaels. That’s right, I’m the new Heartbreak Kid!

Jerry “” Lawler: Michael, I don’t understand computers, other than being able to stalk WWE Divas! But what I do know is that I never got to piledrive you like it was 1975 and I was in Memphis. But dammit, I’m not going to let the Internets ruin what should’ve been an awesome Wrestlemania streak. So let’s have a match.

Cole: Actually, Jerry, you’re going to have to wrestle Jack Swagger, because apparently my tattoos and pasty white manboobs do not play well to the PG audience at home.

Jerry “” Lawler vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole)

You’ll note that they brought the Cole Popebubble along, even though it’s completely broken apart and held together with tape. Continuity~! Lawler get in his typical old man offense (a few loose punches) and then Swagger takes over and immediately sets about beating the crap out of Jerry, until Lawler is able to sneak in a few more weak punches and a dropkick(!)! Cole distracts Lawler long enough for Swagger to lock in the Ankle Lock! He learned that move from Vilano V! It’s a tribute to the proud line of Vilanos! WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton, however, immediately awards the match to Lawler, on account of the fact that he hates the Vilanos. Yeah! Screw those guys! Michael Cole sprays Barbecue Sauce all over J.R., oh so that’s how they’ll do it! He also ruins a perfectly good bottle of Gatoraid. I hope they’re not a sponsor. This leads to nobody being around to do voiceovers for the promos. I hope they don’t have announcers for the rest of the night!

(ads)

Randy Orton and Rey Misterio vs. CM Punk and Cody Rhodes

Aw, Cole, Booker T, and WWE Diva Josh Mathews are on commentary. Booker immediately asks Josh were all the yaks are at. Over/under on Lemony references during this match? 0, because nobody remembers anything that happened a year ago. I still sort of like Phantom Cody Rhodes. That’s the gimmick he should’ve debuted with. And then he can be in a tag team with Husky Harris. I have to question the effectiveness of a wearing a face mask where the strap dangles down into your mouth, but what do I know. I’m not a doctor, and the only doctor I know is WWE Chief Medical Officer Doctor The Boogeyman, and I’m pretty sure he’s working at a hotel somewhere. Unless somebody wants to give me an honorary doctorate! Hint hint, Yale. You could use the good publicity right now! The kind of publicity that only giving an honorary doctorate to an online wrestling comedy writer can bring!

(ads)

CM Punk still has not tagged into this match, and I’m pretty sure he’s napped this entire time. Punk tags in, literally for three seconds so that he can jog around the ring and wake up a little bit, and then he tags back out. I’m pretty sure Cody kicks Orton right in the balls in front of the ref, and nobody says anything, because everybody kind of feels bad for Cody Rhodes. Sensing an opportunity to actually get some offense in against Randy, Punk tags in and proceeds to kick Orton’s knee approximately eleven hundred times over the next twenty minutes.

(ads)

What is this, an Iron Man Match? What the hell is the TV time limit on these things? Why won’t Justin Roberts tell me? I bet Ricardo Rodriguez would tell me. I just wouldn’t be able to understand him. Hell, I bet Lillian Garcia would’ve told me. There’s a leghold going on, and I can’t tell who is doing what to who, so I’m just going to guess that it’s Cody hurting Rey, even though those aren’t the two in the hold. Booker T is going nuts on commentary about a match that’s not even going on I don’t think. I think he’s calling Alicia Fox vs. Melina. Angle Slam! I’m pretty sure that Orton learned that from Lash Lareaux! Cody falls over in indignation on behalf of Kurt Angle! Orton wins!

Backstage….

Triple H: Remember when we used to hold guys down? That was hilarious! In your face, Stevie Richards!

Steve Austin: Have you gotten…fatter?

(ads)

Sin Cara: Beating Chavo Guerrero at the WCW Power Plant since 2011.

And here’s Stone Cold Steve Austin. Everybody gets a new shirt! Shannon Moore needs to hurry up and get in on this nostalgia run!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Hey, let’s haave the Tough Enough Kids come out here!

Here’s a bunch of kids who look like they have no idea what’s going on. Miss USA! Johnny Fairplay’s wife! That poor girl. My money is either on the guy with a mop for hair, or Tough Enough Jessie. Hey, let’s tell you a little something about each and every one of them!

Ryan Howe: From Louisville, KY (Home of OVW!). Terrible mic skills, like he’s the new Heath Slater. Secret Fact: Stole Chris Tian’s original hair.

Christina Crawford: Does not know how to say “No” to hair dye. May, in fact, be Alicia Fox. Secret Fact: Is Alicia Fox.

Andy Leavine: A man of few words and much jaw. Abe Orton’s favorite wrestler. Secret Fact: Played Wolverine in his high school’s production of The King and I.

AJ Kirsh: A younger, less good looking Donny Wahlberg. Was born to stand in the ring and say his name. Secret Fact: Has a lifetime membership to Disney California Adventures, but not Disneyland.

Arianna Andrew: Her favorite wrestler is Christina Crawford. Her favorite match of all time is Rey Misterio and Randy Orton vs. CM Punk and Cody Rhodes. Secret Fact: Never appears on any episode of WWE Tough Enough.

Luke Robinson: Impeccable fashion sense. Future Legend (in the Greater Southwestern Ohio Snooker Circuit). Secret Fact: Former NWA: On Fire champion, until the promotion sadly burned to the ground. Though, in retrospect, we kind of saw it coming.

Jeremiah “Mophead” Riggs: Always representing the Dirty South. May be related to former WWE Superstar Moppy. Secret Fact: Once, in 1997, he did not represent the Dirty South and has never lived it down.

Rima Fakih: Reigning Miss USA. Made entirely by Donald Trump in a lab out of failed Apprentice contestants. Secret Fact: Her finishing move is stabbing people with her tiara.

Mickael Zaki: Proof positive that Hooked on Phonics does not work for everyone. His favorite wrestler is Big Vito. Secret Fact: Real name is Edward Awesome, but WWE asked him to change it to something more stupid.

Ivelisse Velez: The only wrestler in the WWE, other than Vladamir Kozlov. Does not know her own name. Secret Fact: Not her real hair color. I mean, come on.

Eric Watts: Secret blacksploitation alternate reality version of Erik Watts. About as good a wrestler as Erik Watts. Secret Fact: Houses a small bird in his hair.

Matt Capiccioni: Actually an accountant from Ohio who signed up for the wrong reality show. Plans to re-start the Juniors Division. Secret Fact: Has actually been in every season of Tough Enough, but was so short and bland nobody noticed.

Michelle Deighton: Married to former TNA Star Johnny “Johnny Fairplay” Fairplay. Has 11 years of experience making terrible wrestling jokes at inappropriate times (See, I am qualified!). Secret Fact: Once gave Tyra Banks a Stunner on America’s Next Top Model.

Martin Casaus: Winner: Best Dressed, Tough Enough 2011. Pretty sure I can take him. Secret Fact: Once lost a match to Marty Jannetty. Let that one sink in for a second.

Jessie Ward: Will cry at the drop of a hat, car keys, or any similar readily available item. Once created and developed an entire TV series about mewling kittens (in her mind). Secret Fact: Is not actually a part of this season of Tough Enough, but don’t tell her that.

The Miz is out for a um…counter point? He couldn’t even win his season of Tough Enough!

The Miz: Remember Daniel Puder? Exactly. I’m living proof that that show literally means nothing. Everybody’s getting a contract, and the guy who finishes fourth will probably be the biggest star. So good on you, mop head. And as for me? I can’t remember a thing about Wrestlemania, because I got a concussion! And I finished the match, because…dammit…I forget! But that shows doctors that they don’t know what they’re talking…about…right? Anyway, take a good look at the WWE Title, because that’s the closest you’ll ever get to it! Except for the fact that your Tough Enough Trophies look exactly like this belt. And as for you, Stone Cold, all this media attention that you’re getting is absolutely useless unless we somehow turn it into a match. And since I’m not going to wrestle Miss USA, how about you come out of retirement and have another title shot!

Austin doesn’t really want the Spinnin’ Title, but Miz and Riley attack him anyway. Miz bails almost immediately, This, of course, leaves Riley to get the crap kicked out of him. STUNNER TO RILEY~! Everybody gets a beer! Good hands, Rima! Eric Watts lives up to his family name by dropping, like 8 of them. Isn’t that one guy straight edge? CM Punk is going to be SO disappointed! Miz loves it because nobody likes beer and watching Alex Riley get beaten up more than Miz.

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodreguiz and G-Rilla) vs. Evan Bourne

G-Rilla enters about twenty minutes after Del Rio, so I thought maybe they would’ve had a match, which would’ve been awesome. But apparently Evan Bourne was hiding behind Ricardo the whole time or something. You know, somebody should tell the bookers that it’s after Wrestlemania, and Alberto Del Rio is STILL NOT ON THIS SHOW! Geez. Not that I don’t appreciate seeing my man G-Rilla, but come on. After five minutes of Booker T arguing with Josh and Cole about whether or not Alberto Del Rio owns any more cars, ADR locks in the Arm Bar (that’s his move!) for the win.

(ads)

Fan Access! People fly from Ireland to meat King Sheamus for no reason. Shawn Michaels is desperate for an autograph. Daniel Bryan is a terrible golfer. Hornswoggle is awesome at beating up children. Natalya is a better artist than she is a wrestler.

Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler vs.-

(ads)

Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler vs. Trish Stratus and John Morrison

So…like…is Trish actually back, or what? Anyway, Vickie is rightly pissed that LayCool couldn’t even beat Snooki. Some cheeky censor decides to randomly censor the word “perfect” in reference to Dolph Ziggler. Michael Cole makes absolutely sure to call himself a professional entertainer. Trish goes for about eight rollups in a row. I can’t remember whether or not That’s Her Move! I’m really glad Trish came back for this. Did the Canadian Yoga Market crash or something? Booker is appreciative of the effort of all these yaks out there. Morrison misses his move by about eight feet, even though Dolph never moves. But That’s His Move! Booker can’t believe it. This is my favorite match of all time. I just wanted you to know that.

(ads)

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
For the WWE United States Title

Why no, they’re not disappointed their match got turned into a terrible dark match instead of giving them a cut of the Wrestlemania pay. Nope. At least they both got new ring gear out of the deal. Sheamus looks like Albino Lex Luger, and Daniel Bryan looks like…Daniel Bryan but in maroon trunks. Bryan is busy trying to make out with all the hotties in Atlanta, so he sort of misses the fact that Sheamus is kind of kicking the crap out of him. You know, Booker would be an amazing commentator if he ever had something to say, but he never really does. Sheamus with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!), and the win. Bryan is so awesome, however, that he immediately morphs into Sin Cara, whose gimmick is apparently a Mexican guy who acts like a Japanese guy, and may or may not be Triple H in a mask. Feuding with Sheamus is an awesome idea though. Everybody loves Sheamus.

(ads)

Who is not the champion but can still main event with a promo? I’ll give you one hint before he comes out!

APPLEDOUGH!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOOOO!

John Cena went to Wrestlemania!
But there I got blocked,
Was going to beat The Miz,
But I got beat by The Rock!

Lost all of my money,
On a bet I thought inspired,
Can’t believe I put cash,
That the champ would be Zach Ryder.

So now I’m calling out The Rock,
Let me make myself very clear,
Come on out now, Dwayne,
Because the CHAMP IS not HERE!

Hey! He did!

The Rock: Ok, hold on a second. Millions (and Millions) Roody Poo Candy Ass, shine it it up real nice, turn it sideways, and FINALLY the Rock Has Come BACK to Team Bring it, because I’m the most electrifying man in sports entertainment today, jabroni beating pie eating if you SMELL-LA-LA-LA-LOOOoow! What The Rock! Is Cooking. Ok. Whew. So, yeah, I took you out last night. That was pretty cool, huh? So The Rock actually kind of likes you. Because it’s pretty clear you work hard, and you’re the face of the company, and The Rock remembers how hard that was. You’re a lame carbon copy of The Rock, but that’s not really your fault. You’re like…The Rock for babies.

John Cena: At least The Marine was a movie for adults. You were in, what…Race to Witch Mountain? Awesome, dude. So, anyway, what I want to convey to you, through a series of sports clichés, is that I want to wrestle you in a match. We can do it on the recently cancelled WWE Superstars or something. That’ll be pretty cool right. It’s like Bjorn Borg versus Maria Sharapova! Chris Webber taking on Pooh Richardson! Peyton Manning squaring off against Cy Young! Other sports as well!

Rock: Err…hold on a second there, Buckaroo Bonzai. I just told Joy Behar that I would never wrestle again! If I go by the Official Rules of Wrestling Retirements, I have to wait a year before I even think about actually getting in shape and coming back. How about I pencil you in for around Wrestlemania 28? Maaaaaybe? Unless I’m filming Toothfairy 2. That’ll give us a year to sell a bunch of T-Shirts! Team Bring It versus the Cenation! Think of the marketing opportunities!

Cena LOVES T-Shirt sales! He can’t resist! Hey, you know who totally belongs in this RAW Main Event Promo? Smackdown Superstars The Corrrrrrre! Yar! They want to steal these guy’s booty! Their attack lasts all of eleven seconds, before Rock and Cena start hitting all their signature moves and staring longingly at each other. Rock is still a better worker than any of the people in this ring. Poor Wade Barrett. At least Swagger is getting a sort of push. The Legal Eagle will finally take off!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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