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RAW SATIRE    
Only Triple H Could Possess THIS Much Power

April 14, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: John Cena and The Rock booked a match for a year from now, showing that they either have a lot of faith or are just really really stupid. Also, Triple H threw out a challenge to a dead guy, because…what the hell, right? And four guys ended up going about two thirds of the show, so let’s see if we can squeeze in some more promo time…TONIGHT

 

(Opening Credits)

Is it bad that not only do I know that Michael Cole is not undefeated, but that his prior WWE loss came in a tag team title match, where his partner was (DUN DUN DUN) Jerry “” Lawler? Dare I hope John Cena will shed some light on this?

 

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO!

Guess not.

Cena: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
 
Bookin’ matches for Mania,
Drop ‘em like they’re hot,
Plan a year in advance,
To guarantee my spot!

Cena taking on The Rock!
A dream match come true!
It’s better than our Plan B,
John Cena versus Yoshi Tatsu!

A million things can go wrong,
A year is a long long time, dears,
But one thing I already know,
THE CHAMP WILL BE HERE!

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Hoster of the NWA Girls’ Chocolatechip! And Joe Cedar, I don’t know where you get offered making matches for Wigglestralia 2021, but-

John Morrison: I don’t want a WWE Title Shot, I just wanted to come out here and apologize to Trish Stratus. I didn’t friggin’ hug you. Geez. I’m soooooo sorry. Don’t be such a bitch, man.

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! I think we’re all forgetting who the current number one contender to The Miz’ Spinnin’ Title is.

Cena: Yoshi Tatsu?

Orton: R-Gilla?

Morrison: You?

Vickie: No! Sheamus, duh!

Dolph Ziggler: Hey! I should get the shot. And the line starts right here at my crotch.

R-Truth: What’s up? I just saw a bunch of guys standing out here and I thought I should find out what’s up. What’s up, Dolph? Bananarama in your pants? I know what’s up.

Michael Cole: Hey, dudes. I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl, who wants nothing more than to see her arch nemesis The Miz lose his WWE Spinnin’ Title. And you all make great arguments for why it should be you. She was particularly impressed with R-Truth’s “What’s up?” defense. So you’ll all fight in a gauntlet match, which John Cena will probably win, no doubt, because the rest of you other than Orton are all lame. Then she threw in a random jpeg of a crying kitten.

(ads)

You know what’s an awesome gimmick for a debuting Superstar? Playing with dollies. I’ve missed you so much, Husky Harris.

Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) vs. Eve Torres
For the WWE Undivided Divas Title

Eve Torres draws on Nikki in marker to distinguish between the two of them, thereby making her the most intelligent wrestler in the history of our great sport. If only Dean Malenko would’ve thought of that in 1997, he wouldn’t have lost 18 straight matches to the Vilanos. Wasn’t one of them super fat and didn’t look anything like the others? Vilano Ocho or whatever. That one was my favorite. And then one was just Jeff Jarrett. Nikki gets kicked out of the ring trying the switch, making her the stupidest wrestler in history, but we all know stupidity in this sport is immediately rewarded, so Brie hits her move in the confusion (That’s Her Move!) for the win! We have a new Diva’s Champion! I’m trying really hard to show how much I care with exclamation points!

Backstage, Michael Tarver is mystified (MYSTIFIED!) by Sin Cara getting dressed. Which is honestly…kind of creepy, man.

(ads)

Backstage….

Gail Kim: Sorry about what happened out there, Eve. Real bummer that.

Eve Torres: Serious question, do any of us have a personality? Other than “Currently Holding” or “Not Currently Holding” the Divas Title?

Gail: I…am…Asian?

Eve: Congrats.

Nattie Neidhart: Sorry about what happened out there, Eve. Real bummer that.

Eve: See?! Exact same conversation ten seconds later. My God…I think we’re mindless automatons!

Tamina: Sorry about what happened out there, Eve. Real bummer that.

Eve: STOP TALKING TO ME!!!

Gail: We all have distinct personalities, right, Tamina?

Tamina: I…am…vaguely Samoan? Sort of?

Gail: See? Totally different.

Sin Cara vs. Primo Colon

Ok, Sin Cara is totally just Triple H in a mask. Holy crap! Primo! I forgot all about that guy. What’s up, Primo? You should’ve come out and got yourself a WWE Title shot earlier! Jerry Lawler goes absolutely nuts over Twix while Michael Cole talks about how much he loves Sin Cara’s ringwork from AAA. Daniel Bryan agrees. So…Sin Cara hits amazing high flying moves, like…Jumping. And then jumping over the ropes. And…selling for Primo. Well, he’s got at least one up on everybody else in the locker room there. K-Mart is sponsoring WWE’s trip to Scotland? Do they even have K-Mart in Scotland? I have to have at least one European fan left right? Let me know. I need to know this. Knife edge chops! Only Triple H can get away with that! Further proof! Sin Cara is taking about twenty minutes too long to beat Primo, frigging Colon. Then he falls off the top rope. Oh dear. PEDIGREE TO PRIMO~! finishes things for the win.

(ads)

Hey, The Corrrrrrrrrrrre! They’re not on this show!

Wade Barrett: We know, we know. We’re not on this show. So it turns out that, collectively, we’re not bigger stars than The Rock and John Cena. Who would’ve thought it. Oh wait. That’s right. Me. As I remember it, attacking Rock and Cena was all Justin’s stupid idea. Don’t you guys remember when I was the leader when we were in <The Nexus>? We actually main evented a couple PPVs! Now look at us? Appearing as nothing but cannon fodder on a show we’re not even supposed to be on!

Justin Gabriel: Wade, don’t be stupid. And you haven’t talked like a pirate, this whole time. Y’arrrrrr!

Heath Slater: I have literally nothing to add here, on account of me being so boring, mateys!

Ezekial Jackson: Is this a good time to point out that I don’t get the whole pirate theme of our group? I mean, sure, Justin because he’s South African. And Wade, because there were a lot of British Pirates, and don’t get me wrong, I love plundering booty and walking the plank and rum as much as the next guy. But what the hell is with the pirate thing?

Santino Marella: You guys-a think your team-a is so lame-a? Well let-a me introduce-a you an even-a lamer team! We’re-a Team Apple-a! Named after-a mid-90’s recording-a artist Fiona Apple-a! Daniel Bryan-a! Evan Bourne-a! Mark Henry-a! The worst-a collection of Superstars-a I could possibly-a think of!

(ads)

Team Apple-a vs. The Corrrrrrre

Daniel Bryan spends the entire match out in the crowd making out with chicks, turning apple juice into liquor so that the kids can drink and selling his awesome new line of hoodies. I don’t know why Santino added him to the team. He’s awesome. Why don’t the Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrre have matching ring gear? I think that’s what’s causing a lack of team cohesion. Wade’s the only one with Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre tights. Santino’s stumbling around and lightly slapping people is the best offense in the history of wrestling. Everybody kind of tumbles out of the ring, and Gabriel kicks Santino in the back of the head, and Slater gets the win. Well, that was worthwhile.

Here’s Jim Ross who is just out to browbeat Cole with his hat. Jack Swagger tries to break it up, but fails miserably. How long has J.R.’s entrance video been actually Oklahoma college football clips? How much does that cost? No wonder he keeps getting fired!

(ads)

Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole) vs. Jerry “” Lawler (w/ Jim Ross)

Poor WWE Diva Josh Mathews is left by himself on commentary, so he refuses to say anything. Thankfully (?) J.R. and Cole are mic’d up, so they can loudly call spots during the match. Highlight of that, of course, is J.R. telling WWE RAW Referee Justin King to “Shut up.” I think Jack Swagger is 98.7% limbs. And the rest is that weird hairdo. You know who would’ve beaten Jerry Lawler by this point? Sin Cara. I’m just saying. Michael Cole is just yelling the same thing eight times at ringside, which is…exactly like his normal commentary. Ross distracts swagger and Lawler wins with a roll-up. Swagger gives the best “Shocked Face” in the history of our great sport. Cole slaps Swagger, so Lawler makes their match at Extreme Rules a tag match with Ross and Lawler against Cole and Swagger. Which makes literally no sense for anybody involved, but you know what? What the hell. Book it. I can’t wait to see Jim Ross powerbomb Jack Swagger.

Remember Triple H versus Undertaker? Well now everybody is on the cow couch. Get out of Shawn Michaels’ house, you guys!

Backstage, John Cena and Edge are reminiscing about how great things were back before a little girl ran this show.

(ads)

Hey, it’s Edge. You aren’t on this show, bro.

Edge: Guys! Breaking news. I finally got my salad. It was in catering the whole time. THIS CAREER IS OVER!

And…that’s it. Thanks for the memories, Edge! And, perhaps more importantly, for the mammaries. Though that really had more to do with Lita being stupid than anything else. But still…Great career. I guess this makes Vacant’s 11th WWE/World Title run, tying him with Edge, ironically. Though Vacant had 13 WCW Title runs and 2 ECW Title reigns. So…Nice try, Miles Edgeworth.

(ads)

Backstage, an emotional Edge parades his finally found salad to, of all people, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, Eve, Tyson Kidd, and Goldust (who is dressed as Dustin Rhodes for Not Halloween). Eve, sadly, does not beg him to take her out of there. Hilarious moments? Edge totally blowing off his ex-wife Vickie, making time for Yoshi Tatsu and Great Khali cameos, and totally hitting on the Bellas. All that was missing was Tough Enough Jessie crying.

Two guys who don’t care about Edge? WWE Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion The Miz and Alex Riley. And they’re on commentary.

Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

Actually, I think it’s really nice that Edge and Dolph got a chance to bury the hatchet, seeing as how Edge was the one that cost Dolph his World Title and got him fired from Smackdown and getting him put on this pit. Now that I think of it, Dolph really should’ve beat the crap out of Edge knowing his delicate condition. There’s like eight people on commentary right now, and Miz is the only one talking. David Otunga and Mason Ryan have apparently recovered enough from their career ending punts to the head to distract Orton right into a roll-up by Dolph. Ziggler wins! Ziggler wins! Upset of the century. Meanwhile, CM Punk sits at home wondering if maybe he was forgetting something important today. Michael McGillicutty is out there as well, but I think he’s just looking for Husky Harris. Poor guy!

(ads)

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. R-Truth

What’s up? Truth hasn’t forgotten about the Bananarama in Dolph’s pants. What’s up? Miz and Josh Mathews spend the entire match yelling at each other while Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler nap at the table. Well…thanks for coming out tonight, guys. It’s always nice when they find different ways to humiliate J.R. Oh, you’re out on commentary? Well now you can’t say anything! Sadly, Truth does not throw his shoe at Dolph. I think that’s his move though. Truth wins anyway. What ever happened to Sheamus anyway?

R-Truth vs. John Morri-

(ads)

R-Truth vs. John Morrison

Finally! The R-Truth and John Morrison match I’ve been waiting for! I think their ring gear is exactly the same, except Morrison’s pants just have a bunch of squiggly lines and Truth’s say “What’s Up?” What’s Up? Miz makes fun of Cena and bitches about his time in a tag team with Morriso, thereby making him the best commentator we’ve had in months. Morrison offers a handshake to Truth, because he didn’t try to steal Melina’s match at Wrestlemania. Morrison misses his move (That’s His Move!) and Truth gets the win. In your face, John Morrison! You just lost to R-Truth!

(ads)

R-Truth vs. John Cena

Truth is noticeably exhausted, but no word on whether that’s because he’s just wrestled two matches, or because he has to fight friggin’ John Cena out of everybody. The crowd is totally into screaming about Cena because…the alternative is R-Truth. Cena spends essentially the entire match on offense, while Miz looks on and sucks on a lemon. Then Truth hits one (1) punch and Cena goes down like a ton of bricks. It’s always fun watching him go from zero to oversell in ten seconds. Miz and Riley finally get sick of watching these two roll around for an hour, so they each attack Cena and Truth. Heh. I wonder why Riley doesn’t challenge for the title? I do appreciate that Miz’ mic has the WWE turned upside down. RAW General Manager Demon Girl won’t let Miz get away with that, however, so she books Truth vs. Cena vs. Miz for the Spinnin’ Title at Extreme Rules. Yep. R-Truth is main eventing a WWE PPV.


Next Week:
Truth prepares for his big main event push by calling Trish Stratus at home and telling her how much he appreciates her. Also, the shockwaves caused by Edge’s retirement are felt nationwide as girls all over the country get salads. Plus, Michael Cole knits Jack Swagger a sweater, just in time for summer.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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