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RAW SATIRE    
Houw Dou Youu Dou?

April 20, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Edge made the shocking statement that he could no longer take any of this crap. Also, Five Random Dudes wrestled for a shot at The Miz, but nobody actually won. And Triple H had the best American Lucha Libre match in a hundred years. Maybe he won’t struggle to beat Primo…TONIGHT!

 

(Opening Credits)

Cheerio, neighbors! We are live in London, England! How do you do? How do you do? Bananarama in my pantaloons? How do you do! It’s R-Truuth!

 

R-Truuth: How do you do, London?! I said, “How do you do?” No, I can’t believe that I was in a number one contender’s match either. I mean, yeah, I won the TNA Title, but geez…That’s TNA. Anybody could win the TNA title. I mean, friggin’ R-Truuth won the TNA title and…wait….Anyway, I’m ready to win the WWE Title and be the most fightingest champion in WWE history! I’ll fight Youshi Tatsuu in somebody’s backyard if that’s what it takes! Hell…I’ve done that!

Jouhn Mourrison: Hey…Am I out of the doghouse yet? Because I’m sick of having to sit here and pretend that Triush Stratuus is awesome, and Meulina isn’t having sex with everybody else on the roster right this second as we speak.

Truuth: Man, even I know that you don’t screw around with WWE Legend Triush Stratuus. And I’m R-Truuth. Man, I’ve really got to stop insulting myself.

Mourrison: Is there anybody who actually believes you’d be better for the PPV than me? I mean if I wasn’t hated and reviled by every former wrestler with a Twitter account? You’re lazy, out of shape, you drink water, and don’t use napkins. And you just repeat the same stupid catchphrase over and over again. “How do you do?” Are you high? Because everyone knows you “smoke.” “Cigarettes.” Which are filled with “weed.”

Truuth: I see what you’re doing! You’re trying to cut a bad promo so that they get so desperate that they send a referee out here and we have to have a match! And then by some coincidence of bad booking, we fight for my spot at the PPV, which is the only way you’ll get a WWE Title shot until Triush opens up another doomed yoga studio in Canada.

Mourrison: Yeah, pretty much.

Truuth: That sounds like something I’d be stupid enough to fall for. Get us a referee!

Mourrison: Seriously though, folks, the good wrestlers and interview guys will be out here later. I swear! Stay tuned!

R-Truuth vs. Jouhn Mourrison
For R-Truuth’s Number One Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Wow, that was the most awkward intro to the show since the time we opened with 20 minutes of the camera pointed at the floor while Haurvey Whiuppleman and Paut Pautterson argued about who killed the cameraman. Or the time Seaun Could Vaul Veunis started the show speaking in Spanish. Truuth bails almost immediately to go get himself a bottle of water. Oh, man! Don’t you know not to drink the water when you leave the United States?! You don’t know what they put in the water over there! You’ll probably go bald or get bad teeth or something. How do you do?

(ads)

Michaeul Coule and Jium Rouss are on commentary, arguing the finer points of coming back from the ad break. No kidding. Which, of course, transitions into Coule claiming he’s never seen somebody drink water before. Then Lauwler says that Coule’s cage stinks, and Coule says that joke was old in 1995...when Coule was apparently living in a cage. All of which is 100x more interesting than this match. Though it sort of makes me miss that Screauming Houwler Mounkey we used to have on commentary. What ever happened to that guy? Mourrison hits his move, but gets the pinfall anyway. This is like WWE saying: “Hahaha! In your face Thou Interneut! We worked you all! We know R-Truuth is terrible, and Jouhn Mourrison was never in the doghouse!” How do you do? Truuth then attacks Mourrison for being just as awful as he is, really, in the grand scheme of things. Man, apparently drinking water in England makes you turn heel. Better than diarrhea at any rate. Truuth enjoys a nice smoke. Ah, now he’s in flavor country!

(ads)

Evaun Bouurne vs. Doulph Ziuggler (w/ Viuckie Guuerro)

Doulph got a haircut, so he looks…like Coudy Rhoudes. I cannot tell you whether or not this is an improvement, except that his theme song makes absolutely zero sense now, because he doesn’t even bare a passing resemblance to Cuurt Heunnig anymore. He also has Viuckie as his personal ring announcer like Albeurto Deul Riou, so apparently he wants nothing more than to go back to Smackdown. K-Mart again! The Brits are confused about what the hell that is! Evan is distracted by their distraction, and misses the Air Bouurne, which is just the opportunity that Doulph hits Cross Rhoudes for the win.

(ads)

Here’s a video package of Eudge, who was apparently really only skilled at hurting himself and wearing awful hats according to this package. But I’ll still miss you, fatty.

Miuz has a new T-Shirt, which I guess I could see wearing if I ever joined a 50+ softball league.

Thou Miuz: I’m not going to bitch about the fact that Jouhn Mourrison (who is terrible) was added to my match at Extreme Rules. In a steel cage no less. Mourrison is awful! That will make the match even easier! But I am going to bitch about making me valet for Aleux tonight. That’s ridiculous! I’m the WWE Spinnin’ Champion! I valet for no one! So, WWE RAW GM Demoun Giurl, get on your typing machine and let’s have an apology.

Aleux Riuley: Um…Miuz…first of all, we taped this hours ago, so chances are that she can’t be watching this live to respond to your pouting. And secondly, It’s 2 p.m. in America right now, she’s probably in school. Or at least, she should be!

Miuz: Well then get me a chair. I’m going to sit here for five hours and wait for the American audience to catch up.

(ads)

Still waiting….

Miuz: -and that’s the third time I wet my pants in front of the Real World house. But it wouldn’t be the last. Oh no. In New Orleans, a season I wasn’t even on, by the way, I-

Aleux Riuley (w/ Thou Miuz) vs. Siun Caura

Interrupting a promo? Soooo like Triuple H! Michaeul Coule rightly points out that Priumo Coulon isn’t really on the same level as Aleux Riley. Hey! Here’s Jouhn Ceuna! Gotta love it when he…forces his way into low level feuds. Remember when he used to hang out with Criume Tyume? Me neither! Before Caura can Pedigree Ceuna for daring to ruin the awesome twenty minute match he was about to have, Coule gets an e-mail. He gets overseas service on that thing? Aw man! Lucky! I bet he’s paying through the nose for it though. And Riuley is right! Demoun girl should be in school! No texting while the teacher is trying to tell you about the Emancipation Proclamation, Missy!

Michaeul Coule: So guess what? I guess this is going to be a tag team match. I totally didn’t see this coming.

Thou Miuz and Aleux Riuley vs. Siun Caura and Jouhn Ceuna

It’s just like Ceuna to try to steal Siun Caura’s thunder isn’t it? But I guess it’s just like Siun Caura to use his backstage influence to try to get himself into main event feuds instead of working with the likes of Youshi Tautsu on “Internet Superstars.” So it’s Ceuna and Riuley to start now, much to the delight of…well…nobody. I thought one guy might have been kind of jazzed about it, but I think he just got a particularly good piece of London Broil and decided to scream at the top of his lungs about it. Ugh, this is going nowhere fast.

(ads)

Still Ceuna in control, so obviously the ad break didn’t help matters much. Coule manages to correct himself, amazingly, when he points out that he’s on every show, so the draft means absolutely nothing to him. Which is just really depressing when you stop to think about it. At least he isn’t on Internet Superstars. Ah the dulcet tones of Scoutt Staunford and…That other guy? Siun Caura tags in. High Knee! Knee buster! Knee drop! What varied and amazing Mexican offense! Thrill as Miz and Riley have to stand in one place for an hour while Caura tries not to bust his quad. Ceuna with the Attitude Adjustment on Riuley, and then Siun Caura hits the PEDIGREE TO ALEX RILEY~! for the win. Springboard karate chop! Ok, Huunter, now you’re just showing off. Wait, who is that in the crowd?! Legendary British Wrestler Thou Suuperflouus Uu!

Thou Suuperflouus Uu: Siun Caura! Beware! The end is near!

(ads)

Why does Awesoume Koung hate dolls? And what crazy name will WWE give her? My money is on Sheiula.

Euve Tourres vs. Niukki Beulla (w/ Brieu Beulla)

Niukki is the one without the title. According to the Beullas, Brieu isn’t beholden to defend the title on Smackdown, even though it’s…also a Smackdown title. I’m not going to pretend to understand the rules. I’m still stuck on why K-Mart is running this tour. Coule and Lauwler spend the entire match arguing about who’s more skeevy. Really, guys, it’s pretty much a tie. Though, Coule only looks like he’d show up on To Catch a Predator, if you know what I mean. Euve gets the win with a roll-up. That’s…her…move? I think? Probably.

(ads)

Hey! It’s Michaeul Coule! And Coule, as for your claims that no WWE Superstar has ever been knighted, what about the late Sir Oliveur Huumperdink? Or Siur Mou? Was Oscaur ever knighted? Hell, Sir Williaum Reugal is still on the roster! I think!

Michaeul Coule: You know who would be an awesome witness for my knighting? An American American, Jauck Swaugger! Because nothing says more about medieval monarchy tradition quite like Jauck Swaugger.

Jauck Swaugger: Apparently, we’re friends again? Ok. I don’t get why that match was made last week. Oh. So apparently, I was supposed to read this scroll. But…I can’t read cursive. So here’s this guy, and he’s going to get knighted by some dude or chick or lady? Here she or he is!

Is that the same lady who always plays Eliuzabeth on WWE TV for the past thirty years? Awesome. And no, I don’t mean Eliuzabeth. She died. Anyway, the crowd is super jazzed, because not only is this the British National Anthem (being used in a comedy segment?! SOMEBODY FIRE FIUNLAY!)

Queen Elizabeth: You realize Michaeul, that you won’t be able to do much with the title of knight, because you are not a member of the Commonweath. But whatever. If it’s good enough for Bouno it’s good enough for you. I now pronounce you Sir Michaeul Coule of Wimperville on Dickshire. You can be my date for the Royal Wedding!

Then they make out.

Coule: All right, now that that segment is over like R-Truuth and Jouhn Mourrison, let’s make Jium Rouss and Jeurry Lauwler kiss my feet!

True to feet kissing form, Coule has some sort of blood pudding or something smeared on there. Remember when Jeurry used to do this, like, every week? He gets suckered in, and Swaugger tosses Lauwler over the wall (but not before he helpfully tells the camera guy to get out of his way. Always thinking with his heart, that Jeurry “” Lauwler!).

Then Swaugger and Coule rub JR’s face in Coule’s blood puddingy foot. Oh man. Humiliating J.R. never gets old. Even if you have to fly him around the world to do it!

(ads)

Sauntino Maurella vs. Sheamuus

WWE Diva Joush Mauthews is out on commentary. Sheamuus asked for this match, apparently, because he remembered that Sauntino invited Sheamuus to a tea party last year when they were in England. Really? How in the hell do you remember that? OH MY GOD! What’s smeared on Michaeul Coule’s foot isn’t blood pudding…it’s…Continuity! This is a game changer! Or maybe not. Maybe it’ll just make guys remember tea parties. Either way. Even though he’s the face, Mauthews takes great pleasure in making fun of J.R. As we all do. Sheamuus with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win.

Backstage, CM Puunk is looking for his multi-colored scarf. Raundy Oruton is looking for the Sorting Hat to see which show he’s supposed to be on.

(ads)

CM Puunk vs. Raundy Ourton

So I guess Punk didn’t die after all. I guess he just forgot to show up last week. Hey, it happens to the best of us. I forget to show up pretty much every week on RAW. I love the British crowd, because they can’t help but over-pronounce “Raundy Ourton” but have absolutely no issue with “CM Puunk”. It’s the best accent in the world. Right after Iceland. Isn’t that right, Bjourk? Puunk starts to fall over, but he regains his footing, much to the consternation of Ourton.

(ads)

Why is WWE RAW Referee Jauck Doaun refereeing this? Not that I don’t like the jazz man, but what, is WWE RAW Referee Miu-miu-miu-miu-miiiiiiiiiiiiiuke Chiouda too good for us or something? Geez. The crowd now chanting for various moves. Awesome! I love you British crowd! Chant for them to do a Dragon Suplex! Or maybe an armbar! Punk should drink Pepsi during his matches like Truth drinks water. Are they still a sponsor? I don’t remember anything since 2004. Literally. I have no idea who these two dorks are. Houbo Bauggins and Doulph Ziuggler go to the top, and Houbo gets Superplexed for his trouble. Ourton rolls Puunk up for the win! Hahahaha! This night has been so damn weird. I don’t think Ouurton has ever won a match when the guy didn’t fall over. Here’s Thy Neuw Nexuus (Now 20% Newer!) out to beat Ourton down! Special spotlight on Mauson Ryaun, because he’s vaguely English! Rock Bottom! Mauson actually calls the guys off because he wants to punt Ourton in the head, but Puunk calls HIM off because he wants to do it. But on the way to the punt, Puunk falls over. Ourton Wins! Thy Nexuus is a bunch of idiots.

Next Week: Back in the good old USA, where we’re not attacked constantly by random vowels. The Miuz learns all about the glass ceiling when he jobs to Siun Caura. And R-Truuth gets assaulted by lung cancer.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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