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RAW SATIRE    
John Cena's Night of Too Many T-Shirts

April 28, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: England was the place to be, as everybody was really disappointed to find out that the Royal Wedding was the week AFTER they were going to be there. The Superflous U made a special guest appearance. And R-Truth got hooked on cigarettes and water and turned heel like an after school special. Maybe he’ll face the consequences (Creed!) TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

The Entire Roster
In a Battle Royal for…Something. New T-Shirts?

 
Well, that saves me a bunch of bolding, later. I don’t see Yoshi Tatsu though, so this can’t really be the whole roster. Whatever happened to that guy anyway? And what ever happened to Super Porky?! These are the questions that need answers. Kane is the first one out which is stupid. More Kane. MORE. Not less. Now the only guy worth cheering for in this match is…um…Well…Wait, there’s Yoshi Tatsu! YAY! Him and G-Rilla. My final two.
 


None of the main eventers are in this, of course. So there’s your glass ceiling, y’all. You’re in this stupid match, your career is limited. Heath Slater takes the time to comb his hair on his way to the floor, which is amazing. G-Rilla out, so I’m not even sure why they’re bothering. And Yoshi Tatsu is out too. Oh who the hell cares? Everybody knows Awesome Kong is going to win. Then she’s going to draft everybody over to Internet Superstars.

(ads)

Michael Cole shows an impressive ability to count. He’s got a real future in that business. Big Show tenderly caresses Kofi Johnston in the corner, as they thank the lucky stars that the Smackdown Shirts don’t show as much sweat as the RAW ones. On the RAW side of things, Evan Bourne and Mason Ryan have no idea who the other one is. Both Smackdown guys are left standing at the end of it all, because Smackdown is so much better than RAW. I know this, because I haven’t seen an episode of Smackdown since 2001. But it was a good one. Show hits the big button.

Big Show: Come on…no Whammies…No Whammies! Big Bucks and…STOP!

On…John Cena! YAY! The Smackdown locker room reacts with…Wait why isn’t Michelle McCool wearing a Smackdown shirt? Team Pride, girl! Wait…Trent Baretta is still alive?! Somebody call the cops! We found him! Anyway, Cena seems to be pretty pleased about this, because it’s an angle to get a job on Sharktopus 2. Maybe he can be the Best Boy or something.

Kofi Johnston: This is somehow worse than a Whammy.

Show: I was trying to land on the robot.

Kofi: Everybody tries to land on the robot!

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with John Cena. And why, John? Why am I standing by with you? I thought I’d finally done it. Finally ended this miserable existence the last time I appeared on this show.

John Cena: Todd Grisham! You old pirate, it’s so good to see you! What ever happened to that Scott Stanford guy?

Grisham: He bought a bus from Randy Orton and drove it off a cliff.

Cena: Oh my God, really?!

Grisham: No, I was just fantasizing about what I would do in his situation. Well, you’re going to Smackdown, which is like career suicide. That’s got to be something, huh?

Cena: Well, it’s a good thing I know a lot of SyFy references! Like…um…Time Cop, am I right?

Grisham: You know full well The Rock is never going to appear on Smackdown right? Rendering your feud irrelevant. That only took, geez, what, a month?

The Miz: Hey, guys. Just checking in. Nice to see you again, Todd.

Grisham: Who the hell was that?

(ads)

R-Truth is out, but apparently he’s already figured out what’s up.

R-Truth: You guys! Shut up for a second! Because I’ve got a promo to cut here! I just wanted you to know that I’m now hailing from Flavor Country. Anyway, I’m going to show you all that I can cut a promo this week. So anyway, please don’t say “What” it’s distracting. So…I’ve gotten tired of my old character, because frankly, nobody would ever tell me what was up, and it was really annoying. So I finally looked up there, and all that’s up there is some dusty old rafters and Sting. That isn’t very exciting. I’m mostly disappointed about John Morrison, because not only did he not tell me what was up, he somehow convinced me to give up my spot in the main event of a PPV, on account of the fact that I felt kind of bad that Trish Stratus was holding him down. But now, for the first time since that one time I was in TNA and never wrestled, I’m going to do things my way. So expect to see a lot of R-Truth not wrestling in the future. Also, you’re a terrible crowd, and I hope you all get crunk and get arrested. Especially the kids, because they are the worst. Thank you all for your time, I hope you have enjoyed, or conversely (since I’m a heel) not enjoyed, this promo. In the words of the immortal Jerry Jarrett “Don’t piss me off.”

John Morrison attacks because Truth just cut a better promo than he’ll ever be able to. But in all fairness to Morrison, I just believed right there that he could win a street fight. Not with R-Truth. Or with anybody else, probably. But maybe with a mouse or, like, an old can.

(ads)

Man, Kharma really hates dolls.

Eve Torres vs. Layla El Layla (w/ Michelle McCool)

Michelle’s shirt is sort of terrible, I really hope Undertaker didn‘t buy that for her. Eve is wearing her standard ring gear, which is pretty boring, and Layla and is wearing awesome Smackdown themed ring gear. So maybe I’m just bored by the Divas because we have the wrong ones on this show. Hell, I even sort of miss Kelly Kelly Kelly. Michael Cole gets on a mic and starts bitching about the fact that RAW’s divas are pretty terrible, when Eve wins the match off-camera with a roll-up. Perfect. Layla beats the crap out of Michelle in frustration about her awful T-shirt. Cole hits the button on his way out. No whammies, no whammies, and STOP!

On Rey Misterio. Because that…worked…so well…last time. Even Rey is just like, “Really, you guys? Uuuuuuugh.”

Backstage, Jim Ross is punching an old can. You can do it, Jim! Show John Morrison who’s boss!

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Cody Rhodes.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Cody Rhodes, and Cody, I have to ask you, are you as depressed as me that this show is still happening.

Cody Rhodes: Todd, my face may be mangled, but at least now I have promo time and cool ring gear. You couldn’t say that when I was tagging with Bob Holly or the worst guy in The Lemony. The worst guy in the Lemony! Do you know how hard that was to stomach? So no, Todd, actually I’m riding a career high right now.

Grisham: I hate you and everything you stand for. And your face looked mangled up before, breaking it was probably an improvement.

Rhodes: That’s ok. Now that he and I aren’t feuding anymore, I’m going to send Rey Misterio to the hospital where he can high five babies and sing boy band songs with me. Come on, you must know some boy band songs, Todd!

Grisham: I think you underestimate the amount of loathing I have for you this very second. If I could, I’d fill your mask with angry bees, and then shoot you with a gun filled with bears.

Rhodes:

We like Backstreet Boys,
*Nsync
too!
Britney Spears
is kind of cute!
We watch TRL on MTV!
Everybody 3 Count one…two…THREE!

Tank Abbot materializes in the background on a green plastic circle.

Kofi Johnston vs. Sheamus

Kofi is still Shelton? Shouldn’t he be working dark matches then? I do appreciate his lime green ring gear though. That’s the best looking gear I think he’s ever had, and it’ll keep him from getting shot by hunters. Or Hunter. I sort of miss having the Smackdown commentators out here too. And no, WWE Diva Josh Mathews doesn‘t count. It feels a little one sided. Actually, I just miss Booker calling everybody yaks. Sheamus with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) but it misses. Trouble in Paradise from Kofi wins it.
 
He gets to push the button this time! Come on Brie Bella! RANDY ORTON?! What?

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the SyFy Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I am squeezed to announce that I will be taking my talons to Snacktown. Whereeverfor that is.

(ads)

OMG BOOKER T!!!

Michael Cole (w/ Jack Swagger) vs. Jim Ross (w/ Jerry “” Lawler)

I’m not sure who gets a draft pick if either guy wins. Maybe if Ross wins the pick has to go to Oklahoma and get an actual education, and if Cole wins the pick has to announce NXT. So it’s lose/lose either way for the locker room. Cole pantomimes that Ross is Kamala to start. Booker thinks this is hilarious despite himself. We’re twenty minutes in and we still haven’t had any contact. Cole is having a *** match with JR’s hat though. Cole drinks water during a wrestling match. He learned that move from R-Truth! J.R. finally starts laying in really slow punches, so Swagger lays out Lawler and jumps into the ring and puts Ross in an ankle lock. For, like, the one billionth time. Swagger’s ankle lock apparently is pretty worthless. Cole proceeds to whip J.R. with his belt. Bwahahaha. Humiliating J.R. never gets old. So, Ross wins by DQ! Hurry up and press the button, J.R.!

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: RAW General Manager Demon Girl just changed your match at Extreme Rules! It will now be a Yapapi Indian Strap match!

Jim Ross: All right! I will call upon the heavens, and I’ll say, BAH GAWD GIVE ME STRAP NUMBER ONE, BROTHER! And then I’ll ask for strap number two! And the heavens will part and-

Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with The Miz.

Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford is here, and I’m standing by with The Miz. And Miz, I have to inform you, unfortunately that my broadcast partner Todd Grisham passed away moments ago. Apparently, he dove into the ocean in an attempt to swim back to England in time for the royal wedding, and drown. Then his body was eaten by a Sharktopus. He will be missed.

The Miz: Did you hear? My Facebook events list says that next week is The Rock’s birthday! I’m planning to post something clever on his wall. Like, “It doesn’t matter when your birthday is!” Or something like that. And then I’m making my life goal to get this show cancelled. Until all we have left is Internet Superstars.

Stanford: I’m on that show!

(ads)

By the way, Zack Ryder has to go to Oklahoma. Woo Woo Woo.

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Randy Orton

This is for all the marbles. And two draft picks. I seriously thought Dolph was Evan Bourne for about ten minutes, and I was like, “When did Evan Bourne grow three feet?” Vickie is wearing a hospital gown for some reason. What is it with the women tonight? None of them are representing their brand and they’re all dressed like they just got out of prison. Except, of course, for Layla. She’s the best diva. Dolph wanders around the ring, and then gets distracted by Randy’s weird attempt at a scruffy beard, and he falls over. Orton wins!

Randy Orton: Big trucks! Big trucks! No Wallabies! And STOP!

CM Punk: Waaait a second. Sorry, the Whammy machine is broken. Hey, you guys remember when ECW kept getting the Whammy? That was hilarious. Anyway, my only hope tonight is that I get drafted to Tough Enough. I really want to meet this Miss America girl everybody is talking about.

Randy Orton: My favorite slipping is unconscious slipping!

Punk: I’m going to miss you, neck beard!

(ads)

Ok, the Whammy machine is fixed. Let’s do this. No whammys and STOP!

On Mark Henry and Sin Cara. Well…That was short lived. I can’t believe he agreed to go over to Smackdown. How much do you want to bet that he gets traded for, like, eight guys back to RAW?

Also, for some reason, “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters got drafted over to ECW. Best of luck, Chris!

Wade Barrett vs. Rey Misterio

Rey looks so excited to have avoided having to fight Sin Cara. Wade Barrett seriously has the best hair in Wrestling history. Sorry, Honkey Tonk Man, but your reign has been supplanted. Wade dominates the match by being average sized and kicking Rey in the face, which is his weakness. But eventually, Misterio gets a couple of flippy moves in, and Wade can’t compensate. Rey wins! Bring home Curt Hawkins and Ricardo Rodriguez, baby!

Rey Misterio: Come on trip to Cancun! Come on trip to Cancun! And STOP!

$2,500 and a spin!

Rey: I’m going to pass it on to Gail Kim.

Gail: Big money! Big money! And STOP!

On The Big Show! Who is big, but not really money. Doesn’t show get drafted EVERY year. Hilarious. It’s like tradition. And STOP again! On Alberto Del Rio! Backstage….

Alberto Del Rio: Hahahaha, have fun hanging out with Ricardo, G-Rilla.

G-Rilla: Aw man! I don’t even speak Spanish.

(ads)

Theodore Long: Hollah Hollah, playas! We’re going to go ahead and have a match with some guys.

(ads)

The Miz, CM Punk, and Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez and Alex Riley) vs. Chris Tian, Mark Henry, and John Cena

Hahaha…couldn’t find another face, Smackdown? “Oh, no. Don’t worry! We’ve got Mark Henry.” Michael Cole has a mouth full of cotton, which is pretty gross, quite frankly. But he’s ok with me because he’s mocking Chris Tian’s style, because he’s got his shirt, like, 1/3rd tucked in. These people all need to learn to, like, dress themselves. John Cena tags in and everybody bails, including WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mike Chioda.

(ads)

Kudos to CM Punk for wearing his The New Nexus (Now With 20% Less Saturated Fat! Thanks, Husky Harris!) armband, even though he’s wearing a shirt that totally covers it up. Alberto is easily the best wrestler in this whole match, and he should feel proud of that, even though one of these guys is Mark Henry. Miz with an armbar, which is totally Alberto’s finisher and…Wait Randy Orton is in a movie? Why the hell was I not sent a DVD of that crap already? And it won some Indy film award and stars Ed Harris as a teacher tying to teach a kid how to stand up to bullies? Fantastic. Mark Henry turns heel on Cena and Christian, or possibly face, seeing as he’s technically just turned on Smackdown, and we’re on RAW right now. Miz with the win! CM Punk is so happy he starts making out with Alberto in the corner, causing Ricardo to cry.

Alex Riley: Big bucks, no Whammies and STOP!

On John Cena! Hahahaha…Hilarious fake out.

The Miz: Can you do anything right?

Cena responds to this great news by…attacking the RAW guys and laying them out. SHOCKING SWERVE~! Combined with Mark Henry attacking him for being a member of Smackdown earlier…That’s, like, a quintuple reverse heel turn, which makes Cena…A member of the Divas division, I think. I’m not clear on how this work. Cena takes off his Smackdown shirt to reveal…An nWo shirt! SHOCKING SWERVE AGAIN~! And then he takes that one off to reveal a “Ruck Fules” shirt! Edgy John Cena is edgy! And then he takes that one off to reveal a RAW T-Shirt! He knew it this whole time! But then he takes that one off and he’s wearing a Internet Superstars T-Shirt! OH MY GOD!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Every title changes TV shows, mostly by accident. Alberto del Rio works out a trade, 15 gummie bears and a partially melted Cookies and Cream candy bar for G-Rilla. And Zack Ryder totally does some wicked Jello shots at his frat’s Extreme Rules party, yo. (Attendance: Zack Ryder)

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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