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RAW SATIRE    
Full Blooded Official

May 11, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Chris Tian finally won a World Title, and I’ve got a good feeling about that reign, you guys. Also, it was The Rock’s birthday, or something. I wasn’t paying attention. And The Mountie Finally Got His Man. Or Maybe Not. Find out…TONIGHT!

 

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez. These guys make me miss Super Porky. Believe it or not, that is the least overtly racist thing that will be said tonight.

 

Alberto Del Rio: White people! Am I right? Anyway, sucks about Christian. I guess that just proves that I would’ve been the better choice for champion. So, John Cena. That dork doesn’t deserve his 851st title reign. Who better than Alberto Del Rio to take the WWE Spinnin’ Title? I mean, you sure as hell didn’t draft me over here to job me out to Rey Misterio a billion more times, right?

Rey Misterio: No, I got ahold of the booking sheet for the next three months, and that’s pretty much what’s going on. And if they decide to put you over me, I’m quitting. Me and CM Punk. We’re totally starting a “Do What We Want Or We Quit” club. So starting next week, you’re going to be Ricardo’s valet.

Ricardo Rodriguez: Finally, it’s Ricardo’s time to shine!

The Miz: Oh, I’m sorry, did I wind up on Smackdown three months ago accidentally? Man, I hate when that happens!

Alex Riley: This actually makes me feel a lot better, considering I actually am supposed to be on Smackdown right now.

Miz: Shut up, Alex. Anyway, I heard President Obama is trying to get y’all deported, so I’m pretty sure you guys can’t, legally speaking, win a title on American soil. USA! USA!

Rey: I’m from San Diego.

Miz: I’m going to have to ask to see your birth certificate, Rey Misterio Jr. If that’s your real name!

R-Truth: I don’t have theme music anymore!

Del Rio: Con…gratulations?

Truth: So, anyway, I’m an angry black man, and I heard there was going to be a whole segment of overt racism out here tonight, so I had to get involved!

Rey: Actually, we were just arguing about who should be number one contender to the WWE Spinnin’ Title.

Truth: Oh, not me for sure. But I still wrote these down a couple seconds ago, so you got to let me say them. John Cena is a wigger who wouldn’t know black people if he got his own Tyler Perry show on TBS. Miz, you are literally a Muppet. Alex Riley, the 1960s called, and you’re too white even for them. Alberto, you belong at Taco Bell, not for any racial reasons, but because they’ve got 12 tacos right now for the price of ten, and I need somebody to split them with me. Ricardo, you look like a caricature of what backwoods people think Mexican people look like. Rey, everybody knows you were born in Kenya. Angry black man! Also, I killed John Morrison.

Miz: I remember that guy.

Truth: You hear that, Trish? I beat you to it!

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager Demon Girl. Anyway, it’s all gibberish and I think 23% of it is in Latin. So I’m just going to go ahead and say that everybody in the ring who wants a shot at the title can have one. Oh wait! I just got another e-mail. Oh, this one is from my buddy Kevin. Hey, Kevin! I’ll talk to you later, man!

Ricardo: It’s finally Ricardo time!

Truth: If you’ll excuse me, I need to go backstage and jabber to myself. And maybe smoke.

On his way out, he goes cross-eyed at Rey, which is either the ultimate insult, or an attempt to figure out the magic eye pattern on Rey’s mask (it’s a Seahorse).

The Miz: You know what? Fine. If I have to feud with the Smackdown roster to get another shot at John Cena, so be it. Because I’m the Miz, and I’m-

Ricardo: Albertooooooooooooooooo Del Riooooooooooooooooo!

Del Rio: I…what?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Then Ricardo dropkicks the hell out of Alex Riley! Match of the night!

(ads)

The Bella Twins vs. Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly

In the immortal words of AJ Styles: “OH MY GOSH!” It’s the debut of WWE RAW Referee Nunzio. Sadly, it goes completely unnoticed by the announcers, who are trained not to see these things, but I cannot ignore the debut of the greatest referee in the history of our great sport. Break one of the Bella’s kneecaps, Guido! Kelly with the roll-up for the win. I missed you, Kelly! The Bellas bail immediately, because even they know what’s about to go down, but Kelly and Eve are shocked and confused when Awesome Kharma waddles out to the ring. Um…Move? I’m pretty sure you can outrun her. Kelly, showing the street smarts we’ve come to expect from Kelly Kelly Kelly, bails and outruns Kharma. But Eve attempts to get some offense in. You know, I gave Eve a lot of credit for pulling out the marker against the Bellas, but she’s literally the stupidest wrestler on this show. PEDIGREE TO EVE~! Oh, don’t tell me that Kharma is actually Triple H in drag….

Backstage, Kane and The Big Show are talking about how awesome it is to see Nunzio working again.

(ads)

Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk) vs. Kane (w/ The Big Show)

So CM Punk is using his powers of persuasion to…valet for Mason Ryan? Truly this is a guy who has given up. I mean, at least Rey gets to pretend like he’s in the title picture. I think Punk is just biding his time until he can go play guitar for Paramore. He’s like the 12 year old girl’s Chris Jericho. I can’t wait to see him on The Voice or whatever. If anything, Alison Haislip is a trade up from Scott Stanford. The rest of The New Nexus (As Seen on TV!) runs out, but Kane and Show basically have no problem beating the crap out of them. Well. Festus and Joey Mercury these guys are not.

(ads)

Santino Marella vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

I’m still not convinced that “a better looking Cody Rhodes” is the target that Dolph should be aiming for at this point in his career. The only thing I can think of is that Michael McGillicutty bitched that Dolph looked and wrestled more like Curt Hennig than he did. Santino loads up the Cobra, but much like in the cartoons, it misses and Dolph hits his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Another impressive win for former WWE World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler. Join us next week when he goes almost two minutes with Tyler Reks.

(ads)

Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with R-Truth.

Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here, and I’m standing by with R-Truth, and R, I have to ask you, what kind of cigarettes do you like to smoke?

R-Truth: Don’t you have any wrestling related questions to ask me?

Stanford: Um…sure. Sure I do. Tons. All kinds! I…What…kind of tour bus do you ride in?

Truth: I’m in the mid-card, man. I don’t get a tour bus. I travel the country on a goddamn bicycle with one flat tire and no pedals.

Stanford: Sounds nice! So, did you watch the Royal Wedding? What did you think of Kate’s dress?

Truth: Say something else stupid.

Stanford: What’s up?

Truth: I hate you. Say hi to Ronnie for me, you stupid baby.

Stanford: That was my favorite Eddie Money song!

Elsewhere, John Cena and Zack Ryder act like they have ever met each other before.

(ads)

Backstage….

Alex Riley: So, I’m still a bit confused, can I just show up on Smackdown whenever I want too?

The Miz: NO! You don’t work for WWE. You shouldn’t even be allowed to show up on RAW, but nobody cares enough about this show for them to say anything.

Riley: So I’m not even a wrestler?

Miz: Not really, no.

Riley: Oh man. Awesome. I’ve got a great idea then, see you later, Miz.

Miz: Hopefully not!

Alex Riley vs. John Cena

So, Riley’s brilliant idea is this: If he’s not technically a WWE wrestler, he can book himself against John Cena and put himself over, and Cena won’t be able to say or do anything about it, because Riley doesn’t even work for WWE! Who’s Cena going to complain to? Miz? Miz won’t care. It’s honestly the best laid plan by any non-wrestler on this show since the time Stevie Richards got fired, and kept getting booked on the show wrestling a mop for two years. The only flaw in Riley’s plans? John Cena doesn’t play this stupid game, and he just locks in the STFU in ten seconds and Riley taps. Well…Good try, buddy.

(ads)

And here’s more Michael Cole. This is, like, WWE’s longest running feud right now.

Michael Cole: So, I’ve been thinking about this, and it’s come to my attention that I’m really wasting a lot of time on this show pretending like I’m a wrestler in a feud with Jerry “” Lawler, who is also still pretending to be a wrestler. Now, I’m not so naďve as to believe that this time that we’re wasting would’ve been spent on anything but twenty minute long John Cena promos, but still. I feel sort of bad, especially considering that I already spend four hours a week getting myself over. It doesn’t really seem fair. So I’m retiring from the wrestling portion of my career.

Jerry “” Lawler: Hey, no! You know, I’m used to being embarrassed for weeks at a time on this show, but I always go over in my stupid yearly feuds. I’m not letting you get away with this crap. In fact, I’ll tell you what, if I don’t dominate you this time out, I’ll give you my Hall of Fame Ring.

Cole: OH MAN! Does it give you Super Powers?!

Lawler: No. That would be stupid. But you can probably pawn it off for $100.

Cole: Jerry, I have a question what do Al Gore, Elvis, and your mom have in common?

Lawler: Let me guess, they’re all dead. Har Har.

Cole: What? Al Gore isn’t dead.

Lawler: Really? Oh. I thought Manbearpig finally took him out.

Cole: No, they’re all stupid and I hate them. So, Happy Mother’s Day to you. Because she died. Heh.

Lawler: Are we seriously still stuck at that stage of this? She died, like, two months ago, man.

Lawler goes over to Cole to try to come up with something else to feud about, but he gets waylaid by Jack Swagger, which really, really, really isn’t helping things. Now all we need is for Jim Ross to come out and get farted on or something.

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Johnston
For the WWE United States Title

Kofi is, indeed, Shelton to start. You know it’s been a long time since I’ve really had a chance to watch Kofi, and it’s pleasantly surprising how little he’s changed. Except that he moved from Jamaica to Africa. That’s not exactly saving any money on travel expenses. Swagger goes for the Anklelock almost immediately, which shows that he really hasn’t learned anything about wrestling over the years either. So, Swagger just dumps Mr. Johnston to the outside.

(ads)

Swagger actually does get the Anklelock, but Kofi breaks out of it almost immediately. Somewhere, Kurt Angle is pretending to be training for the Olympics and not watching this show. Another counter of another Anklelock, and then Swagger gets distracted by the scent of Jerry Lawler and gets hit by the Trouble in Paradise. Kofi wins! After the match, Lawler grabs Cole’s tie and comically mashes Cole’s face into the plexiglass bubble. Eat your heart out, Daniel Bryan! Nobody fires, Jerry “” Lawler for pulling a tie! Actually, Jack Swagger tries to, but when he learns he’s not RAW’s GM and can’t fire people, he just books Cole against Lawler in a match instead. Wait…what? Lawler wants to continue to beat on Cole, but WWE RAW Referee Nunzio stares him down. Don’t mess with Little Guido!

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Rey Misterio vs. The Miz (w/ Alex Riley)
For the #1 Contendership for the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Poor Rey doesn’t have a second. I feel kind of bad for the guy. He should’ve gotten, like, Trent Barretta to come out with him or something. It’s not like he had anything better to do tonight. Wait, is he on this show? Wikipedia says “No.” Well, there’s nothing I can do for you then. Sorry, Rey Rey. I’m actually more disappointed by the fact that Ricardo’s not in this match than anything else. That was a friggin’ sweet dropkick he threw at the beginning of the show. I was really looking forward to the Cena/Rodriguez feud.

(ads)

Del Rio and Rey are having an entirely separate match in the ring right now while The Miz spends some quality time making fun of Alex Riley at ringside. Finally, Miz rejoins the action, attempts a roll-up, which fails, and then back to ringside. Well, he gave his best effort. Somewhere, R-Truth is mumbling to himself. Jerry “” Lawler dares to call attention to WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiiike Chioda, so now he’s just flaunting it. You can’t fire Jerry Lawler! Then Miz gets back into the ring and rolls up Rey for the win. Well, if it fails to work once well…then…Try it again. John Cena comes out and quits.

Or books himself in an I Quit Match. I don’t know. I was too distracted by R-Truth running out and beating the crap out of Rey Misterio. He’s angry! And black!

Next Week: R-Truth continues his hot feud with Scott Stanford. Plus, we learn what Jack Swagger thinks about John Cena booking himself in an I Quit Match. And WWE RAW Referee Nunzio wins the Spinnin’ Title.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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