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RAW SATIRE    
Jack Swagger: Wikipedia Superstar

May 19, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: RAW got about 1000x better thanks to the addition of WWE RAW Referee Nunzio. Everybody in the locker room was incredibly racist, but especially R-Truth, for some reason. And Ricardo Rodriguez took his first steps to becoming the biggest WWE Superstar since Gillberg. Whoís first? Maybe weíll find outÖTONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

John Cena is in the ring. Please donít rap.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO YOOOO! YOOOOOO!
 

Alex Riley: John, please donít rap. Iím begging you. My cousin is here tonight, and I told him that professional wrestling is not a stupid, embarrassing profession to have. And I know that that was a stupid thing to say, but I canít the show start of with you rapping about hats for twenty minutes or whatever. Just, letís haveÖYoshi Tatsu or whatever come out here and have a match, then Miz will come out and do a promo about how Iím a great guy and how much enjoys having me here on RAW with him. Then heíll probably leave and THEN you can rap.
 


Cena: Hey! My cousinís here tonight too!

Tha Trademarc: Word. Hit him with that dope flow, J-Co!

Riley: That doesnít make any sense, his name isnít-

Cena: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Miz is goiní down,
Heís not a toughy,
He got all his training,
On MTV wrestling Pound Puppies!

Iím John Cena, Alex,
How are you gonna front me,
Now a moment of silence,
While I learn to do the Dougie!

Trademarc: Too soon, man, too soon.

Cena:

Miz just donít get it,
He should just quit now,
Heíll never beat me,
Iíll drop him faster than the Dow.

But thatís ok for him,
Losing is just a bonus!
He can start his second career,
As the long lost Jonas!

But letís put MTV aside,
I donít want to domineer,
Besides, everybody already knows,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. She says that the Miz is lame and is totally going to lose at Over the Limit, and Alex Riley is the worst wrestler in the history of our great sport, and anybody who is related to him should be embarrassed that Alex Riley is contaminating their family tree.

Mercutio Riley: I used to think that I was the lamest member of our family, but clearly, Alex, you are even worse than me.

The Miz: Yeah, get a life, Alex!

Mercutio: Back to my day job as a Rebecca Black impersonator. Good day, sirs!

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. CM Punk (w/ The New Nexus (10 Days Injury Free!))

Punk waves off the Nexus, figuring that if he canít beat Kofi Johnston, heíll just go ahead and quit tonight. Aw, donít be so hard on yourself, CM! I know Kofi is Shelton, but that doesnít mean that losing to him would be that damning for your career. I mean, he is the Intercontinental Champion, after all. And no, you couldnít get a title shot, or a plane ride into Mexico, or a spot in Paramore, butÖyouÖOk, yeah, if you lose to Kofi here your career is pretty much over. Punk with the GTS for the win. Phew. Dodged a bullet there, dude. The Nexus celebrates on the ramp like they just got a world first Deathwing kill or something. Guys, he beat Kofi Johnston. Thatís it. After the match, Punk grabs a mic and swears that this will be a NEW New Nexus. No more funny business. Then they all fall over. Orton wins!

Backstage, The Miz is explaining in no uncertain terms that he does not want Dolph Ziggler or Vickie Guerrero on his side in his fight with John Cena. For some reason, Dolph decided to wear a suit to this meeting.

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella)

If you watched WWE Tough Enough tonight (and you should, itís the best WWE programming on TV right now and has the official endorsement of Tough Enough Jessie!), then youíll know that both of these girls can drink a Mantaur under the table. And that Kelly thinks sheís finally got this wrestling thing down. And who knows, she may be right because she wins in about ten seconds with a roll-up (Thatís Her Move!). After the match Awesome Kharma plods down to the ring and stares at the Bellas until they die. And then she politely pops a zit on Kellyís forehead. Awesome Kharma: Dermatological Specialist. Well, I mean I guess she had to have some other job when she was in TNA.

Backstage, The Miz tries to tell Big Show about this hilarious Marmaduke strip, but Show canít focus, because heís too busy pondering why thereís a twelve foot drop in the middle of this building for no reason whatsoever. And also, why he shouldnít just go ahead and toss Miz down there for giggles.

(ads)

Hey, itís Rey Misterio! Whachu gonna do when he comes for you? I dunno? Offer him some pizza?

Rey Misterio: Really? Iím feuding with R-Truth now? Man, Iím sooooo glad I moved over from Smackdown right now.

Hey! Letís call that a segment.

(ads)

ReyísÖstill in the ring. Come on, man. You canít cut a promo, letís just call it a day.

Rey: -and another thingÖ.

Ricardo Rodriguez: Hey everybody! Hereís a guy!

Alberto Del Rio: Yes, thatís me. A guy! And while youíre off feuding with R-Truth, Iím not feuding with anybody! And I didnít come all the way from Mexico toÖumÖTexas just to make smug faces and wear a towel. Oh no! That was my CMLL gig. Though you couldnít really tell how smug I was being because of my mask. But honestly? I was pretty damn smug.

Rey Misterio: Iím so glad they let me put my mask back on. I was tired of looking like I was twelve.

Del Rio: Newsflash, Rey Rey, you still look like youíre twelve, just a twelve year old in a mask.

Rey: Well, at least Iím a real American!

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Rey Misterio

And suddenly this is a match. But-

(ads)

Oh, come on, show. As much as I love Mexican violence, I donít want to sit through a bunch of commercials mid match. I gotta send some love to the four dudes dressed as WWE RAW Referee Nunzio. Thatís both timely and awesome. Well, either that or they came over here on their lunch break from Lady Footlocker. R-Truth is in the crowd, with a mic, and heís begging for The Mountie to come down to the ring and arrest Rey Rey for theft of Truthís spot in a match last week. I think possessionís 9/10ths of the law in wrestling. Sadly, The Mountie is not here tonight. Heíll get his man eventually, though. Ricardo dropkicks Rey in the head. Thatís a DQ, but Alberto doesnít seem to be too broken up about it. Afterwards, Truth comes down to the ring and kicks Rey in the head. Then he wanders off back into the crowd. Arrest that man! But I will say this for Truth, thatís how you book a match for the PPV.

Backstage, Miz is asking CM Punk for advice on how to create his own group of FCW rejects while Mason Ryan plays with an Etch-A-Sketch.

(ads)

Itís a contract signing for the match weíve all been waiting for!

Jerry ďĒ Lawler: I canít believe weíre still doing this. Can you believe weíre still doing this?

Michael Cole: Yes! How else am I supposed to go into the Hall of Fame and get a super powered ring? Clearly the answer is a four month long feud with Jerry Lawler! Who doesnít want to see that?

Lawler: Iíll tell you this much, youíve officially won more matches over me than any actual wrestler Iíve ever feuded with in the past decade. Except for Miz, of course.

Cole: Well, I guess itís time to pick a stipulation, and weíve spent at least $5.50 the past couple weeks lining my foot with tomato sauce and curry. So how about a Kiss My Foot match! Otherwise all those spices will have gone to waste.

Lawler: Have we really regressed this far as a company?

Abe Orton: Iíll do it, if you donít want to!

Cole: Oh come on, Jerry, if itís good enough for Bret Hart, itís good enough for me!

Josh Mathews: I heard about that! I think!

Lawler: Oh, those were the daysÖMan, why canít I feud with Swagger instead? Heís a former World Champion at least.

Cole: Wait, he was?

Jack Swagger: Woah, really?

Lawler: You remember my feud with Bret Hart from the early 90s, but not that Jack Swagger was World Champion last year?

Swagger: I canít remember my own name half the time. Iím still trying to figure what happened to The Legal Eagle!

Wade Barrett: Sorry, man. Iíve been busy.

Swagger: Thatís ok! Eagles got to fly! But thatís my excuse, Iím dumb. Michael, you claim to be the voice of WWE, how can you not remember my apparently epic title reign?

Cole: Honestly, I still donít believe that it actually happened. Are you sure he was World Champion?

Lawler: Yeah, I had to look it up on Wikipedia, but it happened. Now, Cole, even Iím getting sick of this. So this Sunday, Iím going to put my foot in your mouth and shut it!

Heís going to shut his foot? Ow!

Backstage, Miz is talking to Kane about oatmeal at McDonalds. Kaneís not too impressed, but Miz likes the alternative. Big Show comes in and asks if Kane would use McDonalds oatmeal to bury his father. Kane responds by lighting Alex Riley on fire.

(ads)

David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty (w/ The New Nexus (Coming Soon to Theatre Near You)) vs. Kane and The Big Show

This is not for the tag team titles, because Punk and Mason are going to do it at the PPV. Which sounds way sexier than itís going to be. So whatís it going to take, now that Dolph has Cody Rhodesd it up, to get McGillicutty to grow his hair out and bleach it blonde? If he doesnít do it, Iím begging David Otunga to. Or Kane. But I donít think Kane will be around much longer because I hear Ron Paul is looking for a running mate. Mason Ryan tries to distract Kane, but he gets taken out by Show, but the distraction is just what Punk needed to whack Kane with his beard. Thatís a win for McGillicutty. Really? Ooook.

Backstage, Miz is talking to R-Truth. About what? Who cares.

(ads)

Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with Big Show and Kane.

Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here and Iím standing by with Big Show and Kane, and guys I have to ask you, Mountain Dew Pitch Black relaunched this month, and the people on the street couldnít be more excited. What do you think about this amazing soda?

Kane: Well, Scott, it was always my favorite Mountain Dew after Code Red (obviously), so when I heard that it was coming back after all these years-

Big Show: Not to be a Debby Downer, but what does this have to do with Over the Limit?

Stanford: Because Iím Over the Limit excited about Mountain Dew Pitch Black!

Kane: I canít wait to go out there on Sunday and lose so fast to Punk and Batista so I can get backstage and have a nice refreshing can of Mountain Dew Pitch Black!

Show: No! This should not be a thing!

Elsewhere, John Cena is plotting the end of Zach Ryderís career.

(ads)

John Cena vs. Jack Swagger
In a No Holdís Barred Match

Of all the WWE Superstars he couldíve gotten to try to take out Cena in a No Holds Barred Match tonight, this is what he went with? Was Yoshi Tatsu busy tonight or something? And before you tell me that Yoshi isnít on RAW anymore, allow me to just tell you to shut up. Thanks. For his part, Swagger comes in a house afire, apparently bolstered by the memory that he was, apparently at some point in time, a former WWE World Champion. I can neither confirm nor deny the truth behind that. Let me go look it up on Wikipedia, and Iíll get back to you.

(ads)

Apparently, the answer was ďyes.Ē Who knew? Cena and Swagger take turns throwing each other over things outside the ring including, in no particular order, the WWE RAW Referee Nunzio Dancers, WWE Time Keeper Mark Yeaton, Jerry ďĒ Lawler, and each other. Swagger with the Anklelock, but Cena has no idea to sell itso it goes nowhere. Swagger manages to power bomb himself onto a chair. Cena uses thisÖumÖdistraction(?) to go ahead and lock in the STFU. Unfortunately for Swagger, he does know how to sell that, so Cena wins. After the match, Miz whacks John with a pipe.

The Miz: John Cena, Iím going to make you say I quit, by recording you saying I quit right now and playing that over the speakers during your introduction.

John Cena: I will never, ever, EVER say ďI Quit!Ē

Miz: You just did!

Cena: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!

And then Cena beats the crap out of Alex Riley with the pipe. The Miz is understandably not upset by this development.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Jack Swagger forgets, once again, that he used to be a World Champion. Jerry ďĒ Lawler intentionally loses when Michael Cole slathers his foot in irresistible JRíS Barbeque Sauce. And John Cena beats The Miz when he learns to say ďI QuitĒ in languages that the referee doesnít understand.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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