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RAW SATIRE    
The Sound of Silence

June 2, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The Big Show got run over by a car, but sadly the driver was revealed, like, ten seconds later. Also, Alex Riley made the best face turn for a guy we’ll all forget about in a month since…the last guy. Ol’ Whatshisname? And Tough Enough Jessie may be secretly taking over WWE. We’ll find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

 
R-Truth is wandering around backstage, and he’s not mic'd up, which is a bad idea. He’s excited to see a Zack Ryder T-Shirt, but not as excited about the John Cena ones. John Cena literally has 18 T-Shirts. But they can’t give one to the RAW Satire? After everything I’ve done for them. They could hook me up with Café Press or something. Truth is really really ticked off about John Cena on a cup. R-Truth wants to be on a cup. Sell us on the idea, Truth!
 

R-Truth:

A valiant defense. Meanwhile, Michael Cole and Jerry “” Lawler are broadcasting the show from an old timey Ham Radio.

Michael Cole: R-Truth is mad, see! He wants to be on a cup!

Jerry “” Lawler: To blazes with you! I’m buying war bonds!

Classic Cole and Lawler. Truth has found a family in the crowd wearing John Cena T-Shirts, but they’re black which really upsets Truth because that’s like triple reverse racism. So Truth does a really impressive mime of tossing the kid out of the arena while he’s stuck in a wind tunnel.

Cena Dad: What’s up?

Then Cena Dad eats some Dots.

Michael Cole: RAW General Manager Demon Girl just sent an e-mail. She hates mimes almost as much as she hates R-Truth. So put the two together and what do you get? A match with John Cena. Which is just what you wanted, so I’m not sure what the hell this e-mail was all about.

R-Truth:

(ads)

Somewhere, to celebrate Memorial Day, Ralphus butters Howard Finkel. Uh…Go Troops?

Kofi Johnston vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

Jerry “” Lawler can’t get over how fat Vickie looks in her nice dress, which makes his defense of Kharma later on really weird. Oh, sorry, SPOILER ALERT. Also, Dolph Ziggler is Kaiser Soze and Sin Cara is Luke’s father. Which is going to make the Tough Enough finale really awkward. Oh, and Kofi Johnston is Shelton, but you already knew that, so it’s not much of a spoiler. I miss radio Cole and Lawler already. They were much more entertaining.

(ads)

Apparently, these guys wrestled 8,192 times last year alone. I guess that’s why they seem to all know each other’s moves. Well, that and they only have five moves between them. To be fair to my reading audience (all four of you!), I didn’t watch a single episode of Smackdown in 2010, so I barely know who these two people are except that one is Shelton and one is from The Spirit Squad. I wish it was Mitch. What ever happened to Mitch? According to Wikipedia, he stole Torrie Wilson away from Kidman and lost an MMA match. Well…Better than most of us, I suppose. Dolph won with something, I was reading about Mitch on Wikipedia. They own a boutique together? How…Quaint.

(ads)

I guess Alberto forgot to fire Ricardo after all?

Ricardo Rodriguez: Here’s a guy!

Alberto Del Rio: My name is Albertoooooooooooo Del Rrrrrrrrrrrrio! Everybody, listen…To me! Haha!

Backstage….

Armando Alejandro Estrada: Ok, seriously? Does nobody see this? Did they bring me back just to torture me?

Tyson Kidd: Aren’t you supposed to be trying to resurrect my career?

Armando: Who the hell are you?

Kidd: I should’ve just stuck with Jackson Andrews. Whoever that was.

Back in the ring….

Alberto: So yeah, I hired back Ricardo over the weekend, because I couldn’t remember why I fired him in the first place. In other news, I’m really sorry that somehow Big Show got ran over by my car. I don’t remember a thing about how that happened except thinking to myself, “Boy this is going to be stupid!” At least I didn’t spill any coffee on Kane! Am I right? Right? Well, whatever. Be back after your next failed WWE Films project, buddy!

Backstage, Eve and Kelly Kelly Kelly are having a contest to see who can bend down further in front of the camera.

(ads)

The Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres

Apparently Kelly was in Maxim or something. Remember when they used to be in those magazines every week? Nikki and Brie are wearing their pants just low enough that I can tell them apart, but I don’t remember which one has pelvic tattoos, so that doesn’t actually help me any. Why don’t they both have them? Isn’t that something twins do? Make bad decisions together? WWE RAW Referee Nunzio takes control of the action, mostly by staring at Kelly’s butt for twenty straight minutes and then counting the pinfall ten minutes after she made it. Well…He’s still the best ref they have! The Bellas are not impressed and make the “loser” L on their foreheads, because apparently we’ve stumbled into an episode of Blossom.

Woah.

(ads)

Backstage, Tough Enough Jessie teaches Jack Lanza how to cry.

Meanwhile….

Michael Cole: Hey, guys! I’m still never going to wrestle ever again, and Jerry “” Lawler and I are pretending like the past four months never happened, but I’m still a heel. And as a heel I have to stick up for The Miz. So right now I’d like to talk to Alex Riley.

Alex Riley: Hi!

Cole: In the spirit of pretending the past four months never happened, I guess you were never drafted to Smackdown in the first place? Apparently Howard Finkel got so excited he typed in “Alex Riley” instead of “Alexis Laree” and then when somebody told him that Mickie wasn’t even with the WWE anymore, they signed AJ Lee to cover for him.

Riley: That sounds awfully convoluted. But whatever. I guess I’m back on RAW then?

Cole: For a few weeks, and then FCW or fired!

Riley: What was that?

Cole: Nothing. So, why did you turn on Miz? I mean you were sort of in the main events, even if you were barely wrestling. But now? At best your career ceiling is Jack Swagger.

Riley: Well, I mean, that’s not so bad, is it? Swagger is a former World Champion.

Cole: Get out of town! That guy? Really?!

Riley: Um…Yeah. It’s all over Wikipedia.

Cole: I never would’ve guessed. Second question, how does it feel knowing that Mason Ryan is smarter than you?

Riley: Ha! Have you ever seen Mason Ryan wearing a letter jacket? NOOOOoo! I have at least three of them! Which means that I went to at least three different high schools! So suck on that, Mason Ryan!

Cole: Quit heeling it up, Alex.

Riley: Michael Cole, you’re a real bastard.

Cole: It’s true! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Another successful convert from the Tough Enough Jessie School of Hard Knocks! Michael needs to get a letter jacket! The Miz runs in and tries to attack Riley, but Alex jumps over the announce table instead. So Miz just shrugs and leaves. Clearly, Alex Riley vs. The Miz is the feud to watch heading into Wrestlemania next year.

(ads)

CM Punk (w/ Mason Ryan) vs. Rey Misterio

The Rest of the New New Nexus (102% Gluten Free!) could not attend tonight as they had tickets to see Glee live. CM Punk clearly wishes he was there. So, in the match where both guys desperately want to quit, who do you put over? The answer: WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton. Poor guy hasn’t gotten a push in eleven years! He’s due! This match is also a repeat from 8,000 matches on Smackdown last year, which I know because I had to endure nine million pictures of Punk in a terrible Wal-Mart brand lucha mask. I sort of miss Festus and Serena though. It’s too bad they violated WWE’s “What? These Guys Are Still on the Roster?!” Policy. It was really their own fault though.

(ads)

Apparently, during the break, Mason Ryan went out and bought a letter jacket, so he’s now a proud graduate of “Omaha School for the Deaf and Blind.” I’m not sure that’s how graduation works, but who knows with kids these days. Besides which, I’ll support anybody who has overcome the obstacles that he’s overcome to get to where he is today. As a valet for the 18th most over man on the roster (behind Yoshi Tatsu, but just ahead of Kharma’s baby (DOH! Spoiler again! Sorry!)). Rey tries all kinds of barrel rolls and spins, but those honestly always work better when you actually hit your opponent. As a result, he’s all tuckered out and Punk kicks him in the head for the win.

(ads)

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Kharma! What will her shocking surprise be?

Awesome Kharma: Hey guys. It’s Awesome Kharma, and I know you all expected me to come out here and be a monster and scream and yell and be all mean, but I’m really the nicest person you’ve ever met in your whole lives. I’ve only ever wanted two things in my whole life. One was to be in an off-Broadway production of Cats, which I achieved in the third grade. The other was to go parasailing with Bea Arthur, but unfortunately she died before we could get things planned. So I decided to start wrestling. I showed up to the Tough Enough 2 auditions, and think about this for a second, Jackie Gayda and Linda Miles won that season. Who? Exactly. So I show up, and Jim Ross points to a sign that says, “No Fatties” and shoos me away. Now, in his defense, that was back when he couldn’t tell anybody apart, so I think he thought I was Viscera. But still. So I went to Japan where they love fatties, and had a successful career wrestling against Power Rangers until I could afford to come back to the US. Then I started working at TNA, and you know how embarrassing that is. Not only that, but I had to spend half my week playing Woody Woodpecker out in Universal Studios for the extra cash. So then I went to the Tough Enough Jessie Academy, and she really got my head screwed on straight. When life hands you lemons, cry about it. It’s true. Tough Enough Jessie is a genius and the best motivator known to man. Armed with a well full of tears, I finally got into WWE, mostly because, if anybody brought up the “No Fatties” rule, I threatened to kill them. Sorry that didn’t work out for you, Mickie. But then, I forgot I was starting a job that would make me tons of money for my athletic ability and I got pregnant. Whoops. So I guess I’ll see you all next year, because as fun as power bombing a baby sounds, I heard it might not be the best idea.

The Bella Twins: Haha! Our dominance over the Divas division continues unabated. Way to go and get pregnant only credible threat to our titles! And now you can’t threaten us. So way to go fatty. No fatties allowed in the WWE ring! Go eat a ham! Who got you pregnant anyway? CM Punk?

CM Punk: Errr…yeah, probably.

Kharma: Well…Laters.

And thus ends the amazing run of Awesome Kharma. Meanwhile….

Media Member: President Obama do you have any comment on the WWE Capital Punishment PPV?

Barack Obama: No.

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

If you remember last week, Swagger beat Bourne in ten seconds, continuing Evan Bourne’s amazing run since he returned. I think he’s 0-246. Sadly, there’s no explanation of Swagger’s near Heisman Trophy win, though I understand that the Satire almost won a Pulitzer this year until somebody pointed out that the “Best Representation of an Alternative Universe Television Show in Written Form on the Internet” was not an actual Pulitzer category. Dammit. So close. I’m going to petition that that gets added next year. They’re swiftly runnin gout of opportunities. Lawler bagging on Oklahoma can only be a rib on JR, or else everybody just hates Jim Ross now that Michael Cole is back. Bourne with a Roll-Up for the win. 1-246! He’s on a roll! UP!

Backstage, R-Truth cuts an awesome promo.

R-Truth:

And John Cena begs Zack Ryder to get on Ryder’s YouTube show, but gets shot down. When will I be Broski of the Week?

(ads)

R-Truth vs. John Cena

Apparently, Truth has been saying words all night, but I’m just tuning him out. It’s like a dog whistle, I guess. Or maybe he’s just the world’s worst mime. Truth rolls to the outside about 20 times in the first ten seconds, which is the universal signal for “Match? We’re supposed to have a match? Errr……No.” For some reason WWE RAW Referee Scott Armstrong is calling this match, I can only assume as payback for R-Truth helping him in his feud with CM Punk two years ago. Yes, I watched Smackdown two years ago. And I remember every referee feud. Sure enough, Cena gets counted out while he’s standing in the ring. Truth wins! To celebrate, Truth runs over and dumps Coke all over Cena Dad’s head. It’s like the Indy 500! How timely! Cena runs over to see if Cena Dad was injured by the acidic content of Coca Cola, but Cena dad deems himself “Fine, but sticky” as he continues to pound Dots.

Next Week: R-Truth finds another Cena fan, this time with Junior Mints! The Bella Twins get their comeuppance when they learn that Awesome Kharma is pregnant…WITH THEIR BABIES! And Alberto Del Rio runs Triple H over so he stops bringing in Mexican guys and diluting the pool.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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