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RAW SATIRE    
That's Not How You Dance!

June 23, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Stone Cold Steve Austin had no idea who anybody was or what any of the angles were, so he just yelled at people and drank for three hours. Plus, R-Truth did not win the WWE Spinnin Title at “Capitol Punishment” but he did get to be offended by Fake Obama. And what’s the deal with Zack Ryder and Sin Cara? Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!

 

(Opening Credits)

Everybody loves voting for things! But letting fans vote for RAW is stupid. That’d be like letting me book the show, and we all know how that’d go down. You know who probably agrees with me? CM Punk, who’s in the ring.

 

CM Punk: You think I’m not down with the Internets? I have the Twitter! I’m on MySpace! I vaguely heard of Zack Ryder one time! He’s one of the 18,000 people in Game of Thrones, right? Anyway, I’m just out here because I figure now’s as good a time as any to demand a WWE Spinnin’ Title match. You out there tonight Demon Girl? I know you kind of booked yourself another week off, but this is pretty important.

Michael Cole: Guess who I just got an e-mail from?

Punk: Oh come on. Would it kill her to call just once? E-mail is so impersonal!

Cole: This is from RAW General Manager Demon Girl, and while she says that CM Punk is quote, “a certified hottie”-

Punk: I cannot disagree.

Cole: -he’s also ‘Straight Edge’ which goes against everything a Demon Girl like me stands for. So if he wants his WWE Spinnin’ Title shot he’s going to have to earn it.”

Punk: I’m the best guy on both shows! What else do I have to do? Train a dog to walk upright and be my valet? Hire Vladamir Kozlov to be my personal ring announcer and announce me down to the ring every week in Russian? I’m not even sure that guy knows Russian! I’m just going to lay down in the ring here and you guys can go ahead and have matches on top of me. I don’t care.

Cole: Tonight, you’ll be taking on Alberto Del Rio and Rey Misterio in a Triple Threat number one contender’s match!

Punk: Oh…That’s it? Yeah, ok then.

Backstage, the votes are flying in! Who will face Brie Bella in a Divas Title Match tonight? My money is on Yoshi Tatsu! Jerry “” Lawler, of course, votes for himself.

(ads)

And the results are in!

Kelly Kelly Kelly: 99%
Beth Phoenix: 1%
Eve Torres: -37%
Newt Gingrich: Not an actual option

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella)
For the WWE Undefined Divas Title

Michael Cole immediately makes up a Diva’s Title win for Kelly. To be fair, I couldn’t remember if she ever won the Divas title either. I’m pretty sure I had it for a while last year. I was the best Divas Champion the world has ever seen. I don’t care what anybody says, the Bellas have the best ring gear in wrestling today. Sorry, AJ, your Converse boots just don’t’ cut it compared to silver wings. Kelly with a roll-up (That’s Her Move!) for the win. Kelly Kelly has done it! She’s the Divas Champion! After the match, she tearfully says that this moment has been her dream for her entire life. Which is ridiculous, of course, because the Divas Title is only a few years old.

The question we’ve all asked ourselves at one point or another. Who would we want to see beat the crap out of Evan Bourne? The answer, of course? Yoshi Tatsu.

(ads)

The Vote:

Mason Ryan: Infinity percent
Jack Swagger: All Smiles
Sin Cara: Not a real person
Another Different Evan Bourne: 75% (Disqualified)

Mason Ryan vs. Evan Bourne

Even Evan Bourne is like, “Huh?” Backstage, Sin Cara delivers a PEDIGREE TO SWAGGER~! and starts screaming to Kevin Dunn that somebody is screwing with his votes. Somehow, they’re going to find a way to blame this on Kelly Kelly. The crowd chants for “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, which is sweet. He’s had a rough year. I’m pretty sure that either somebody backstage is screwing with us, or the WWE Universe literally has no idea what’s going on and is just texting random letters. Bourne does a backflip, and Ryan punches him in the face for the win.

Backstage, Mark Henry is going around spreading his stank.

(ads)

Here’s Mark Henry with some words of wisdom.

Mark Henry: Just like my music says, somebody gonna get they’re ass kicked. Somebody gonna get their wig split. Beat ‘em up, beat ‘em up. Break his neck. Break his neck. Bea ‘em up, beat ‘em up-

(ads)

So, what kind of match will Henry and Kane have? I accidentally voted for Yoshi Tatsu, so I’m disqualified.

Arm Wrestling: 1%
Bodyslam Challenge: .01%
Over the Top Rope Challenge: .001%
Needs More Kane Challenge: .000000002%

Mark Henry vs. Kane
In an Arm Wrestling Challenge

I think some of this voting is extremely questionable. Are you trying to tell me the WWE Universe doesn’t want to see More Kane? Sorry, guys, I’m not buying it. Mark is still rapping his theme song. Doesn’t he know that rapping is so two earlier this year? What’s in now is insane black guys! If you want a title shot you have to wear a confederate uniform and talk smack to little kids! Kane goes to lock up for the arm wrestling portion of our show, and Mark Henry eats the podium. Then he body slams Kane and throws him over the top rope. Well, it’s nice to see he had contingency plans. Then he goes to ringside and starts screaming at a little kid. Alright! Now you’re on track!

(ads)

Speaking of which, here’s the innovator, R-Truth.

R-Truth: I can’t believe it! First I job to Little Jimmy and his glass of water, and now Mark Henry’s stealing my gimmick? Y’all better vote me into some kind of title match tonight, or I swear I’m going to go back to being K-Kwik and find a way to bring back Road Dogg! Don’t test me! I will do that!

Chris Tian: You think you got it bad? I finally win the World Title, and I think everything’s going great. Next thing you know, I’m losing to Randy Orton every ten seconds, even though the guy has a concussion and has the worst beard in the history of terrible beards!

Truth: How would you even know if Orton had a concussion?

The crowd, for their part, is chanting for “Little Jimmy.” Man, that guy is over! Sadly, though, we get The Miz instead.

The Miz: You want to bitch? You guys are going to have to get the hell in line! I went from feuding with John Cena and The Rock and being WWE Champion, to feuding and jobbing to Alex Riley! At least you guys are losing to people who are over!

Truth: I still got it worse!

Tian: No, I’ve got it worse!

Miz: I’ve got it worse times infinity!

Truth: I’ve got it worse times infinity plus one!

Theodore Long: Playas, you’re all the victims of terrible circumstances. Some of them of my own doing! So to make it up to all of you, I’m booking you in a six man tag team match against your rivals right here tonight!

Tian: That doesn’t make anything up to anybody! You’re just asking us all to job again!

Truth: And I’m pretty sure you still can’t book matches on RAW. The GM here is that little girl.

Long: Holla Holla!

What kind of match will Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Johnston have? Ugh. Is…“None” an option? No? Ok, fine. I can do this. Don’t vote for Yoshi Tatsu. Don’t vote for Yoshi Tatsu….

(ads)

Dammit! Ok, let’s see what won.

Cole Miner’s Glove: 98%
No Vickies, No Vickies and STOP!: On a Whammy%
2 out of 3 Falls: 2/3%
Kofi Kingston Doesn’t Have a Submission Match: 1 1/3%

Kofi Johnston vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
In a Cole Miner’s Glove Match for the WWE United States Title

Each guy has to wear a life size doll of Michael Cole on each of their hands. I was really hoping they’d have to actually wear Michael Cole! Sadly, this extra weight grounds most of Kofi’s high flying offense, so all he can do is stand around and look sad and be Shelton, while Dolph Ziggler flails his pale, pasty appendages at him. “Vintage Cole Mine!” states Michael Cole, mostly to himself. Kofi attempts to leave so that he can just get counted out in disgrace, but he can’t even get through the ropes with his gloves, so he takes a head butt from one of Dolph’s Coles.

(ads)

I’m pretty sure that at least one of these Cole Miner’s Gloves is actually Yoshi Tatsu in disguise, so I’m going to declare that as a moral victory on my own behalf. Kofi’s now using the Coles as stilts to make himself taller, which isn’t helping him in the match at all, but it’s doing wonders for his self esteem. Finally, Ziggler just gets so sick of this match that he takes off one of his Coles and just decks Kofi in the face. You can’t do that! Johnston wins! Not the title though, because that would be stupid. Kofi and his Coles do a cancan in the ring for no reason.

What match will Alberto Del Rio, CM Punk, and Rey Misterio have? Can I vote for a Drinking Contest?

(ads)

Here’s Alberto. I miss Ricardo Rodriguez.

Alberto Del Rio: You know what word I haven’t said in a while? Destiny! It’s my Destiny to destiny the destiny! You hear that, Big Show? You can’t destiny destiny destiny that destiny’s destiny! Dest-

(ads)

Here are your results:

“Falls Count Anywhere but There” Match: 50%
Destiny Match: 25%
“Oh God Whatever the Stipulations for that Last Match Were Already” Match: 15%
Winner Leaves WWE Match: 10%

Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk vs. Rey Misterio
In a “Falls Count Anywhere But There” Match for the Number One Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Oh man. My favorite gimmick! I hope they try to pin each other there! They’re going to be so embarrassed! I kind of wonder, if all he needs is to have 1,800 matches against a Mexican guy without a mask on, why doesn’t Sin Cara just feud with Alberto? Unless he thinks that Alberto’s patented Armbar would make him unable to hit the Pedigree. Rey goes for a pinfall on top of the barricade, but WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton is all “No, not there!” Oh! You just got burned, Rey! Also, I’m pretty sure Punk’s shoulders weren’t down.

(ads)

Lawler has no idea how many people have voted tonight, so he just guesses “100 million,” which Cole thinks is laughable because that’s as many people as exist in the whole world. I’m having trouble figuring out who’s stupider. I’m going to go with Justin Roberts. Screw you, Justin Roberts! Del Rio locks the Armbar in on Rey right next to Punk, so I’m not sure he’s real clear on the concept. Rey gets a 619 on Del Rio, and Punk tosses Misterio and gets the pin on ADR! Punk wins!

Punk: To quote my Livejournal, “I’m quitting y’alls. Laterz!”

Um…Ok? Anyway, let’s just go ahead and move on to the thrilling feud that is Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan!

(ads)

Your results:

No Count Outs Match: 100%
No Backsies Match: 0%
Everybody Has to Wear a Bag: 0%
Cody Rhodes Banned from Ringside: 0%

Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan
In a No Count Outs Match

Aw man, I wanted to see everybody wearing a bag. Fun game of the night: Try to figure out why WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan is wearing rubber gloves. Fess up! Which one of you has a communicable disease? Well…Both of them now, I guess. So wait…Falls Count Anywhere followed up by…No Count Outs? Well, I will say one thing for us, WWE Universe, we certainly know how to be lazy. Cody Rhodes tries to be the Phantom of the Opera to start, but Daniel Bryan isn’t phased. I’m sort of curious whether or not Bryan is keeping in touch with Gail Kim. Trying to get his mojo back, as it were. I’d ask him on Twitter, but all it is is a string of jpegs of Cats and retweets of Rebecca Black, so I don’t think so. Bryan with a roll-up for the win. The Kelly Kelly Kelly Offensive! Brilliant! I don‘t think anybody event went outside the ring, so there were NO count outs! Ted DiBiase runs out, and just stands around for a minute, and then Daniel Bryan puts on a bag for the satisfaction of the 0% of the audience who wanted to see him wear one.

Dance Contest next! Of course! This is Yoshi Tatsu’s time to shine!

(ads)

Your votes:

Michael Cole: 100,000,000 votes (the population of the entire world)
Jerry “” Lawler: 234 votes
Booker T: 8 votes
Yoshi Tatsu: 1 vote

Vickie Guerrero vs. Michael Cole
In a Dance Off

Yoshi got robbed there. I demand a recount! Has Booker been out here all night? Aw man. Sorry Book! I guess I just…never listen to anything the announcers or wrestlers say. Ever. EVER! Vickie notes her extensive exotic dancing experience as “Peaches” back in the day. You know, exotic dancing might be the only profession with nicknames stupider than professional wrestling. She then proceeds to pop and lock and do the cabbage patch for an hour. Michael Cole counters by doing the Carlton. WWE Dance Dance World Champion Shawn Michaels is prancing in his grave right now. Matt Striker declares Michael Cole the winner because…You know what? Matt Striker doesn’t have to justify what he does to you. Get off his back!

Oh man! John Lennon is endorsing RAW now? Dying turns you into such a marketing whore. Anyway, don’t forget to put in your vote for the main event! I’ve already got my phone queued up to vote for…wait…pictures of cats? DAMN YOU DANIEL BRYAN!

(ads)

Somebody apparently forwarded WWE that video of that kid from YouTube. I’m honestly sort of flabbergasted that they’d acknowledge that somebody filmed at a WWE show, which you’re not supposed to do. Also that it hasn’t been pulled off of YouTube for violating WWE’s copyright policy. Anyway, what kind of match did we get? Daniel Bryan kept photo bombing me so I couldn’t vote for Judy Bagwell on a Pole.

Elimination Match: 87%
A “Match”: 6%
Another More Different Match: 4%
Boggle: 3%

R-Truth, Th-

(ads)

R-Truth, The Miz, and Chris Tian vs. Alex Riley, Randy Orton, and John Cena
In an Elimination Match

How could you guys screw up Boggle? Seriously? I wonder what Randy Orton really thinks about playing second banana to Cena. On second thought, I don’t think I want to know what Randy thinks about anything. Alex Riley knows he’s just cannon fodder, and is really happy to be out here tonight. That’s an attitude I wish more guys would have. Then again, he gets pinned before the match even starts by Christian, so maybe it’s not the most productive attitude.

(ads)

Just so we’re up to date on who’s left in the match, it’s everybody but Alex Riley. Ok! You’re all caught up! Truth and Miz spend about an hour beating up Cena while Orton trims his beard at ringside. Christian tags in and immediately realizes he’s not going to beat either of these guys, so he tags back out and Miz gets hit with the AA for the pin. Oh! It’s all evened up! I’m on the edge of my seat now. Truth is so upset by this that he tries to jump into the ring and he falls over. Orton wins! Randy finally wakes up long enough to pose, but that gives Christian just enough of an opening to hit a Spear. Orton’s out! What a turn of events! It’d be a huge win for Christian if he can…Oh wait. Never mind. Cena with an STF for the win. Afterwards, Randy and Cena celebrate together as if Orton did anything. But hey. In your face, Alex Riley!

Next Week: Raw Roulette is back, so Spin the Wheel and Make the Deal, because nobody wants to, you know, actually book a show. Shawn Michaels will show up and show these kids how to have a dance contest. A bunch of people who are NOT ON THIS SHOW will be on this show.

Elsewhere….

Zack Ryder: Seriously, bro? I wasn’t even a nominee! How are you going to have a show with internet voting and not have the Internet’s favorite broski?

Tough Enough Jessie: Come on now, Zack, do you think Mason Ryan was an actual choice? It was supposed to be you in there, and no doubt you would’ve beaten Sin Cara too.

Ryder: Bro! It makes so much sense! I’ve got to get on Internet Superstars and make him pay!

T.E. Jessie: Do you think that’s going to work? You’re just going to go in there and take on Sin Cara on some internet show? Zack, we need to cut this snake off at the head.

Ryder: Take out Averno?

T.E. Jessie: Ugh…No. We’re going to destroy him. Unmask him and expose him for the fraud that he truly is. Then, we’re going to drag him through the dirt and mud and grime until he begs us to stop. We’re going to put him on trial and make him pay for the crimes he’s committed against us and against the wrestling business.

Ryder: Wow, bro. That’s pretty harsh. I didn’t expect you to be so serious!

T.E. Jessie: Winning Tough Enough changes a person.

To Be Continued….

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
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RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
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RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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