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RAW SATIRE    
CM Punk Unravels the Mystery... Almost.

June 29, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Let’s face it, we did a pretty terrible job of booking Monday Night RAW, but I blame you, because I voted for Yoshi Tatsu. Also, it didn’t matter who you voted for anyway, because nobody at WWE knows how to count any higher than 10, so they just did the old SAT trick and guessed B every time. And once again, people were on the show who AREN’T ON THIS SHOW! Maybe that will finally be fixed…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Out from the bowels of our hearts prances Shawn Michaels.

 
Shawn Michaels: Now that is how you prance, Michael! Oh, man. Ok. So you remember the last time you saw me? I was out here trying to tell Hunter that there was no way he was going to beat The Undertaker, because that was stupid. Well, really I only came back because Hunter said he’d give me $50 if I did it, and now I need another couple bucks because Whyspyr is running me dry, and my arcade really didn’t work out. Nobody wants to spend $10,000 for a birthday party with me. Who knew?
 


Marty Jannetty: Haha! You’re turning into me!

Shawn: Shut up, Marty! Anyway, things are actually starting to look up for ol’ HBK, because tomorrow my new show premiers on the Huntin’ and Fishin’ channel, which I think is channel 876 on your dials. And you all know what a whore I’ve become thanks to my cow couch sessions, so I just want to mention that for every person who tunes into Shawn Michaels Superkicks a Moose, I get five cents.

Here’s The New Nexus (Team Motto: We Haven’t Split Up…Yet!). Well, most of them, because, sadly, Mason Ryan has turned back into a pumpkin.

CM Punk: Wohoho! Shawn Michaels! What is going on, my main man? My dawg! My ace in the hole! Still pretending not to drink or do drugs? Because I’ve had that thing going on for yeeeeeeears.

Shawn: I admit, I made some mistakes in my life. A lot of mistakes. I once freebased ham off of Super Porky’s back. But that’s all behind me now. I’ve embraced change.

Punk: Me too! But mostly the change I’ve embraced is randomly being a dick to everybody I know around here, secure in the fact that I’m leaving in two weeks and none of this can ever come back to haunt me. So here goes. You’re a losing loser who couldn’t even beat an old dead guy, “losing your smile” is just about the lamest way to say “I got beat up outside a gay bar” I’ve ever heard, your prancing isn’t really all that impressive, nor is your hairline, your cow couch is murder, and Superkicking Moose is not a good idea for a TV show.

Shawn: Well, let me ask you this, what do your cohorts here think about you abandoning them? Aren’t you supposed to be some cult leader? With your lap dogs nipping at your heels? What do they think of you quitting?

Michael McGillicutty: Eh, it’s cool. We’ll just find the next guy wearing a yellow T-Shirt and follow him instead. Here’s hoping it’s somebody cool and not, like, Primo.

David Otunga: Finally! My first mic time in weeks! I just want to state, for the record, that I am still married to Jennifer Hudson.

Punk: Irrelevant, Mr. Michaels. I’m going to have these two drink some tainted Pepsi and kill them off once and for all like I did to Husky Harris!

Otunga: Hey! You told us that Husky went to a big developmental territory where all the sick wrestlers go to play!

Punk: I also told you that Mason Ryan turned into a pumpkin. So…There you go.

SUPERKICK TO OTUNGA~!

Michaels: That was for making me buy the CD for Dreamgirls!

Backstage….

Booker T: Yo, what’s up, guys? Booker T back here at the RAW Roulette wheel, which isn’t really a Roulette wheel but more like a Big Six wheel. But since nobody knows what that is, and it doesn’t really sound as good as Roulette, we’ll just roll with it, dawgs. Ok, we got my main man Cheatum here, and he’s ready to find out what CM Punk’s match that’s happening right now is going to be! Hit it, sucka!

Cheatum: Spin the Wheel! Make the Deal! Spin the Wheel! Make the Deal!

And it lands on Needs More Kane! Aw, I was hoping for a Pillow Fight!

Shawn Michaels: Well, sucks for you. I just want to remind you all to watch me Superkick some Mooses…Meese…Moozersice? And I want to send my deepest thanks to the spiritual being who has helped me overcome every obstacle in my life. CM Punk was right. I was a bad person. But thanks to Tough Enough Jessie, I have seen the light. Thank you, wherever you are!

Shawn prances out, but before he goes he hits a SUPERKICK TO MCGILLICUTTY~! too, just because.

(ads)

Kane vs. CM Punk
In a Needs More Kane Match

Kane brought a pillow down to the ring just in case. Aw. Poor guy! You know, the lines have gotten so blurred lately, I don’t know who’s on this show and who’s not at this point. I’m just going to roll with it. If Shannon Moore shows up? Cool. Whatever. Not AJ Styles though. You’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Punk leaves about halfway though the match and gets counted out, but Kane soldiers on without him and eventually gets the Chokeslam and the pin.

(ads)

Sin Cara vs. Evan Bourne
In a No Countout Match

No Countouts? What is this, last week? Hey, did you know WWE has a Poker Site? Well, I bet you didn’t care either. But there it is. And it’ll never get shut down by the government either as they’re all too embarrassed to have WWE.com in their address bar. As was evidenced by their stellar turnout at Capital Punishment. Evan Bourne does some backflips, and then Sin Cara does some standing around, but in Spanish, so they’re having trouble communicating. Which I think was Chavo’s problem, because he’s just a white golfer. He doesn’t know any Spanish. I really wish him well in his golf career, though. It’s about time he went pro in something. Sin Cara with a PEDIGREE TO EVAN BOURNE~! for the win.

Backstage….

Kofi Johnston: So, you crazy, yet?

Booker T: Crazier than normal, you mean? I did spend, like, three years pretending that I was a medieval king, remember.

Kofi: That’s nothing! I had everybody so convinced that I was Jamaican before my debut that they hired a famous Jamaican artist to write my theme song and made all their marketing say I was from Jamaica. I would’ve gotten away with it too, but my mom sent me some new underwear and they saw the return address on the box said “Ghana, West Africa” which isn’t a real address, but whatever.

Booker: Who are you anyway/

Kofi: I am Shelton.

Booker: Cool. Congrats on your new contract with Ring of Honor.

CM Punk: OOooh, Ring of Honor?! What’s thaaaaaaaaaaat?

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Not to interrupt this conversation I don’t understand, but can I spin this wheel? I’ve always wanted to spin a wheel on TV!

Cheatum: Spin the Wheel! Make the Deal! Spin the Wheel! Make the Deal!

Booker: Go for it, dawg!

She does, and it lands on “Oops, We Screwed Up Another Match Last Week!”

Vickie: Aw crud.

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. Dolph Ziggler
In a No Vickies Match

Vickie dresses like Ricardo Rodriguez and sneak out there anyway, but it doesn’t work, as she’s sniffed out by the amazing deduction skills of WWE RAW Referee Nunzio and his partner Dean Malenko. Well, Nunzio used to be in the FBI, after all. Hey! Maybe he can shut down WWEPoker.com! You know, when that stipulation came up on the wheel, I figured for sure that that meant that I was getting the Kofi Johnston/Yoshi Tatsu match that I was dreaming about last week. Oh well. Maybe next year.

(ads)

Lawler implies that Kofi really wants to win this match because he’ll want to have another match with Dolph Ziggler down the line. Which…I don’t really think so. Look, the title’s not on the line here, but something tells me the world’s had just about enough of Kofi Kingston/Dolph Ziggler matches. Unless they’re planning a Best of Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler DVD like I suggested in that DVD Survey I forgot to fill out. Kofi with a kick to the face for the win. Well then.

Backstage…

Booker T: -and then my brother says “Why all them yaks out here, Tony?”

Maryse: It doesn’t sound like you hold a very high opinion of women’s tennis.

Booker: It doesn’t sound like you know a lot about English talking! Now can you dig that? SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Alberto Del Rio: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but did you see the booking sheet? The Big Show? Again? What hell have I entered that I deserve this fate?! Remember when it was pretty much inevitable that I was going to win the WWE Title and get out of feuds like this? I do, it was a frigging MONTH AGO!

Booker: Would spinning the wheel and making the deal make you feel any better?

Del Rio: I…guess so?

Cheatum: Spin the Wheel! Make the Deal!

He spins and it lands on “Candyland.”

Del Rio: I…don’t get it.

Maryse: You’re kind of cute. Let’s go and make some NAFTA babies!

Del Rio: If you think I’m cute now, you should’ve seen me when I was wearing my mask!

CM Punk: Dude! Stop and think. The Miz has been all up in that. Is that what you want for yourself? I would not get with Maryse, and if you know literally anything about me, you know what a serious condemnation that is.

Del Rio: Yeah, you’ll have sex with anything. Sorry, Maryse. Stay sexy though!

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio vs. The Big Show
In a Candy Land Challenge

WWE RAW Referee Nunzio and Dean Malenko release Vickie long enough to let her announce Alberto down to the ring, which is pretty nice. Del Rio drives out in a Ferrari, but runs out of gas about halfway to the entrance ramp. Show rolls a six and begins his traversal into the land of Mr. Mint. Del Rio initially refuses to roll in mourning the death of Gramma Nutt to a shellfish allergy, but quickly changes his mind after being excited at the prospect of meeting Princess Lolly. Yeah, she’s pretty easy. Big Show is kind of sad that Plumpy is gone, so he refuses to move through the Gum Drop Forest until he returns. Then Mark Henry can’t take it anymore, so he comes out and eats the board. But he’s a little upset that Lord Licorice tastes like cardboard and plastic. And he’s carrying a door for no discernable reason. Del Rio declares himself King Kandy for the win. He should marry Kelly Kelly Kelly!

(ads)

Backstage….

Booker T: A women’s match? Oh, dawg, I can’t wait for this one! Them yaks are always in some Pudding Match or Fulfill Your Fantasies match! The wheel doesn’t lie!

Cheatum: Spin the wheel! Make the deal! Spin the wheel! Make the deal!

Booker: And it lands on…Submission Match?! WHAT?! That’s…Tell me it did not land on that. TELL ME IT DID NOT LAND ON THAT!

The camera pans out to reveal CM Punk holding onto the bottom of the wheel.

CM Punk: Oh, was I supposed to stop it on, “Everybody’s Naked Match” or something?

Cheatum can only roll his eyes. Clearly Punk knows neither how to spin the wheel nor make the deal.

Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly

Now’s your chance, Alberto! Make her, Kween Kelly Kelly Kelly Kandy Del Rio! Kelly starts off with a simple abdominal stretch, but Nikki flips her over into a Cross Arm Breaker. Kelly rolls through into a crossface chickenwing and tries to get her hands into position to change it into a kata ha jime, but that just lets Nikki break the hold and wrap Kelly into a legvine, which she turns into an ankle lock. Kelly powers out and after a Tongan Death Grip lays Nikki out for a Surfboard, but Nikki turns over and reverses Kelly into an Indian Deathlock, but that’s racist, so Kelly kicks out of it and stands back up into a CHINLOCK~! for the win. Somewhere, Randy Orton is very proud. Of himself. For being able to order a pizza without a translator. After the match, Eve Torres comes out for no reason, and she is also holding a door. What is with these people tonight?

(ads)

Somewhere, out in the Ether, Ricky Steamboat, Dusty Rhodes, and Skinner are in charge of the career of poor Andy Leavine. God help him.

Backstage….

Booker T: Rey Misterio! You used to be in WCW too!

Rey Misterio: Yes sir. I have spun the wheel and made the deal before.

Cheatum: So I don’t have to explain it to you? Oh thank God. I’m going to go take a smoke break then.

Rey spins and it goes around and around until it lands on Tornado Match.

Rey: That sort of seems insensitive.

Diamond Dallas Page: BANG! How you guys doing tonight? WCW in the house!

CM Punk: WCW? Sounds suspiciously like ECW, another company that WWE burned to the ground!

Booker: DDP? What the hell are you doing here, dawg?

DDP: Are you kidding, bro? I have nothing better to do with my life. My play for a show on the Oprah network failed. My marriage is over. I can’t motivationally speak to save my life. It’s either show up in this segment or stalk Michelle McCool, and thanks to Twitter, I can do both! So who wants a Best of Nitro DVD? They go almost two whole discs before they start trashing us!

Drew McIntyre: What is this, the pity party? I lost my wife too! And I voted for Diversity Five’s Spice in that Oprah thing. She’s still got it. But the worst thing about being Drew McIntyre? Supposedly everybody loves me, and I’ve got the best accent and theme music in the business, but all I do is wrestle on Internet Superstars every week. I’ve been thinking about starting a web show to complain about it, but that just seems stupid.

SUPERKICK TO DREW~!

Shawn Michaels: Next thing you know he’d be asking for merchandise in the Shopzone. Best put him out of his misery. Booker T! Remember when we were in the nWo together?!

Booker: No! Are you being serious right now? We were in the nWo?

Michaels: Yeah, totally! It was the best week of my life.

DDP: You know who was never in the nWo?

Michaels: Stacy Keibler?

Booker: Yoshi Tatsu?

Punk: Colt Cabana?

DDP: No! It’s me! D…D…P!

Cheatum: All right, I’m back and…AH! I’ve had this nightmare before!

DDP: So what do you say, Shawn? Do you want a copy of the Best of Nitro?

Michaels: Hahaha! No.

(ads)

The Miz and Jack Swagger vs. Alex Riley and Rey Misterio
In a Tornado Match

Why was Rey the only one at the wheel? I’m sure Miz, Swagger, and Riley would’ve liked to have been represented. I mean, I don’t care what Jack Swagger thinks either, but I’m sure he cares. Especially if they’re going to go ahead and throw him into a tornado match. Everybody spins around in the middle of the ring, faster and faster they go, until they all fall over. Orton wins! But since he’s not in this match, everybody just rolls out and throws up.

(ads)

They’re back in the ring spinning again. It’s like some kind of hellish torture. I’m trying to decide if Swagger or Rey has it easier. Rey’s got a mask on so he can barely see, but Swagger’s got those huge pterodactyl arms, which creates wind drag and keeps him spinning at a slower rate. Riley accidentally tornados into Miz, sending him flying off to Oz, who is not happy to have his vacation ruined. It’s not easy being on a Legends contract, you guys. Rey finally trips over Swagger and covers him for the pin.

Backstage again….

R-Truth: -and that’s when I said, “Little Jimmy!” and it changed the course of my career forever.

Booker T: That’s…fascinating. Now are you gonna spin this wheel or not?

Cheatum: Spin the wheel! Make the-

Hornswoggle: I TOLD YOU NEVER TO COME BACK HERE!!!

Cheatum: My mortal enemy! To arms!

They grab swords that were randomly sitting around backstage and fence their way off screen.

Truth: Bye bye, Little Jimmys! So what now? Do I have to spin the wheel without the midget? Because, if so, it’s a conspiracy!

Booker: Nah, dawg, what’s the wheel on right now? Tables match? Good enough.

Truth: Ok, I can deal with that.

Booker: Now can you leave? I think I’m catching the crazy from you.

CM Punk: I know I have BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(ads)

R-Truth vs. John Cena
In a Tables Match

Truth and Cena both just look kind of tired walking down to the ring. Like neither of them know why this feud is still going on any more. Truth’s feuding with the audience, which is going to be the greatest match at Summerfest. John Cena, ostensibly, is feuding with CM Punk, but Punk is too busy feuding with the entire wrestling industry to notice. So Cena is left wandering the Earth alone, looking for someone who wants to feud with him, and not just using him as a prop for the WWE Spinnin’ Title. Punk comes down to ringside to look at the title, and before Cena can complain, he gets speared through a table by Truth. Well then.

CM Punk: Yeah, that’s great. You know what else is great? Me. And I know WWE doesn’t want to put me on all the promotional stuff because guys with 18,000 tattoos and piercings don’t market well, but come on. I mean, I love John Cena as much as the next guy, but isn’t it time we propped the company up on somebody else for a while? Like…Yoshi Tatsu or something? But you know what? Enough about Yoshi Tatsu, because I’m going to break the 5th Wall here.
 
Ring of Honor. Colt Cabana. Matt Classic. Wrestling. These are all words that mean nothing to you at home. I’m just trying to get myself over on Twitter. Dave Lagana is sitting at home right now high-fiving his imaginary friends. But I’d like to be real with you all for a couple seconds. Because I’ve been here for a while now, and while I think that WWE is a pretty good gig if you can land it, there’s a lot here that doesn’t make sense.
 
What the hell is a “Satireversary?” and why do we celebrate it every October? What the hell ever happened to Lance Storm? Why is it that we spent 14 hours of WWE Programming devoted to a bunch of wrestlers hiking across the hillside in New Zealand in order to throw the World Heavyweight Title in the trash at Wrestlemania, but nobody will acknowledge that that happened anymore?! I asked Chris Tian the other day why he wasn’t dead, and he just looked at me like I was a crazy person. Um…Hello, Mr. Tian, I SAW IT HAPPEN! Master P killed you with a chairshot, and you died in Chris Jericho’s arms! And why the HELL does everybody need so much Kane anyway? I love the guy, but come on! Enough is enough!
 
Then it started to clear up in my head. All the evidence points to one guy. One guy is screwing up the entirety of existence, and before I go, I aim to stop him. And I know what you’re all thinking, “But Triple H isn’t around anymore! He ran off with Stephanie, and Aurora Borealis and Murphy Brown and Vaughn Vince and Nibblins and a house full of Sarah McLaughlin posters. And maybe that’s true. But I don’t think it is. You see, I’m pretty smart, and I’ve got this all figured out. You see, I think he’s closer than we all think. In fact, I know he is. Because Triple H is-

The mic cuts off. Punk shouts something at the camera about Kharma and the show quickly goes off air.

Next Week: Next week’s episode was taped before this week’s episode, so there will be a time paradox that ends in the death of Mr. Mint. Also, Shawn Michaels will still be around, mostly to bitch about the fact that nobody watched his show, even though he won’t have known that yet. And fallout from this whole CM Punk thing will be ignored in favor of more air time for Alex Riley! Yay!


 
In the production truck….

Zack Ryder: Why’d you do that, bro? We were so close! He would’ve started it all and we’d be back home in time to catch Jersey Shore! Fist pump!

Tough Enough Jessie: CM Punk is an idiot. He’s just wasting everybody’s time with his pointless ranting. When we’re ready, we’ll spring our trap. CM Punk or not.

Ryder: Well, I still don’t like having to take out the entire WWE production team to cut off RAW.

Tommy Dreamer: I liked hitting them all with a kendo stick. Really brought me back.

Ryder: Well, see you next week?

T.E. Jessie: Unlikely. Next week passed us by two hours ago. Still, there is work to be done. Go home and get some rest. Take care, Zachary, and spike your hair.

Ryder: Woo Woo Woo.

Dreamer: You know it.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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