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RAW SATIRE    
Woo Woo Woo... to the Future!

July 7, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Shawn Michaels came back, pranced, kicked some people, and then wandered away looking tired. Also, people Spun the Wheel and Made the Deal and it landed on ďWe Screwed Up Last WeekĒ Every. Time. And CM Punk delivered the greatest promo ever devoted to his Twitter feed in history. Who will deliver a painfully out of touch promoÖTONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

 


Hereís John Cena, no doubt trying to set the internet on fire.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YOOO! YOOOOOO! YOOOOOOOOOOO!

CM Punk cut a promo,
About the Internet,
He named dropped Colt Cabana,
Whom Iíve never met!

He dissed the Satireversary,
And made fun of Hunter and Steph,
He talked stupid about New Zealand,
But he had one secret left!

I need to hear what he was saying,
But now he got suspended,
For speaking truth on the mic,
His time in WWE has ended.

Maybe Iím as bad as Hogan,
Iím certainly dorky as The Rock,
Iím like a big pitcher of Kool-Aid,
Saying ďOh Yeah!Ē as I knock off your block!

But I must know his secret,
He must make it clear,
So Vince has to unsuspended him,
Because his CHAMP IS HERE!

Backstage, Kelly Kelly Kelly and Eve are blissfully ignorant of the entirety of last weekís show.

(ads)

The Bella Twins vs. Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly

Did you know that the Bella Twins have their own website? Read it to find out the horrifying story about Brieís crotch tattoo and wonder why itís edited out of every picture of her on their site! Stay to read about how Nikki watching her dad die made her want to find a new boyfriend! Itís seriously the most depressing website Iíve read about hot twins all day! I mean, I half expect to go on Kellyís site now to read about how Randy Orton killed her dog which lead her to have sex with a bunch of wrestlers. Instead, Kelly just hits Brie with her move (Thatís Her Move!) for the win.

Remember Andy from Tough Enough? Yeah, still pretty terrible, apparently. The nicest comment about him so far?

Billy Kidman: I meanÖHe knows how to walk uprightÖmostly.

Best of luck, Andy! Man, Iím glad that Tough Enough Jessie won. Backstage, R-Truth is on the phone.

R-Truth: I want to speak with one of them Cavemen! What do you mean they arenít real? I saw them on TV, man. You canít fool me. Ok ok. Whatever. Let me speak to the Gecko! THEN JUST LET ME TALK TO SOMEBODY WITH A BRITISH ACCENT WHO SAYS HEíS THE GECKO! I WONíT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! Fine! If thatís the way youíre going to play me, Iím taking my business to Erin eSurance!

Scott Stanford: Car insurance got you down?

Truth: What? No! Phone sex lines. Spending two weeks in this Las Vegas time warp is lonely, Todd.

Stanford: You know what would cheer you up? A Stanford Army T-Shirt. Get yours today!

Truth: Scott, are you using my backstage segment to put yourself and your weird announcer T-Shirts over.

Stanford: Yep. You can get them in kid sized ones now, for the Little Jimmy in your life.

Truth: Iíll take eight!

Alberto Del Rio: I just saw a camera over here and I thought Iíd say hi! Iím Alberto Del Rio!

Stanford: I already knew that.

(ads)

Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov vs. David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty

Otunga and McGillicutty have had about a half hour and a whole week to process this whole CM Punk thing, but mostly, I think, theyíre just hoping they get to keep his music after he leaves. Apparently, Vlad is now a U.S. Citizen, which is nice, because now he wonít get deported when heís inevitably fired in a few months. Things just havenít been the same since his Bosom Buddies comedy with Santino wasnít picked up by USA. McGillicutty with the win. After the match, the Titantron explodes and a DeLorean hovers into the ring. Man, now Del Rio is just showing off. Or maybe not.

Zack Ryder: You there! Space man! WhatĎs the date?

David Otunga: Me? UhÖDo you want the actual date or the date date?

Ryder: Huh?

Otunga: Well, technically itís the Fourth of July, but this show is happening in the past, so itís actually June 27th.

Ryder: Whoops. I didnít go far enough into the future. Sorry about that, guys.

Vladamir Kozlov: I think you killed Michael McGillicutty!

Ryder: I said I was sorry! Anyway, thank you good citizens! Take care! Spike your hair!

The DeLorean rolls over McGillcutty again on its way out, hitting 88 mph up the ramp and back to the future.

Santino: Woo-ah woo woo-ah! You know-ah it!

(ads)

Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with The Miz.

Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here, and Iím standing by with The Miz, and Miz, I have to ask you, what was Trishelle really like?

The Miz: Scott, donít you have a better lead question than that? Like what I feel about Alex Riley or not being included in the number one contenders match despite being the most over heel on the brand?

Stanford: Nope, nobody cares about any of that stuff. Trishelle or bust.

Miz: Sheís exactly like you see on TV. Exactly.

Stanford: Hiyoooo! You heard it here first, folks.

ElsewhereÖ.

Evan Bourne: Why is the camera here? Iím not supposed to get mic time. It ruins the illusion of Evan Bourne Iíve created for myself.

Sergeant Slaughter: ATTEN-HUT! Stand up, maggot! Itís the 27th of June! The most patriotic day in the history of the United States. Stand up and be patriotic instead of wallowing around hiding from the cameras!

Jack Swagger: Just out of curiosity, why should we stand at attention for a man that abandoned his country and sided with Iraq during the first Gulf War? You followed the advice of Iron Sheik! Thatís enough to discount you from any credibility right there!

Slaughter: Yeah, but then I joined the G.I. Joes and fought against the real terrorist threat! Cobra! You hear me, out there? We got Osama Bin Laden, and weíre coming after you next, Cobra Commander! USA USA USA!

Bourne: Yeah, Iím going to go ahead and leave.

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Sergeant Slaughter

Oh man, we havenít had a Sarge gimmick match in forever! And letís be fair, ďJack SwaggerĒ is pretty much the perfect G.I. Joe name. They could even incorporate his freakishly long arms into his toy. Sarge goes for the Camel Clutch, but Swagger blocks it, and Sarge doesnít really know any other moves, so he just kind of stands around. Ok, you and I both know thatís a bunch of crap. Anybody whoís played WWF Wrestlefest knows that he at least has the Atomic Noogie in his arsenal. And I should know, considering that I spent about $9,000 in quarters on that game. Iím probably rounding down there. Swagger gets the ankle lock and the win, then Evan Bourne chases him off and hands Sarge the mic.

Seargent Slaughter: Kids, donít run headfirst into oncoming traffic. Thatís a good way to get yourself killed.

Evan Bourne: Wow! I never wouldíve guessed! Now I know!

Slaughter: And knowing is half the battle!

Woo Woo Woo!

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio vs. R-Truth vs. Rey Misterio
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Spinniní Title

I really, really, really miss Ricardo Rodriguez. Justin Roberts just doesnít cut it introducing Alberto, and you can kind of tell that ADRís heart really isnít in his shruggy dance when Roberts says his name. Where have you gone Ricardo Time? Complicating matters is that Zack Ryder stole his car for this week, he just had to walk down the ramp in shame, wiping his tears away with his towel. Truth with his move (Thatís His Move!) on Rey, but itís, like, ten seconds into the match, so it doesnít go anywhere. .

(ads)

Del Rio and Rey fight for about ten minutes while Truth is outside taking a smoke break. Donít forget your water! Zack Ryder briefly shows up at ringside in Del Rioís car to taunt him alongside Napolean, Socrates, Joan of Arc, and, for some reason, Jyushin Thunder Liger, who is wearing a ďBro of the Weekď T-Shirt. Del Rio throws a tantrum rather than pinning Rey, and then things get Crazy Go Nuts when everybody starts hitting their finisher on everybody else. I had no idea that WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiiiiiike Chiodaís finisher was a Death Valley Driver. Everybodyís laid out, but ADR is the least laid out, and he locks Rey in an armbar for the win.

(ads)

In the ringÖ.

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Hi. Now, I listened to CM Punkís rant last week, and while I didnít understand 90% of it, one thing that really resonated with me was that we donít eat enough cake. I mean, why do we only eat cake in the middle of October? That seems silly to me. So I baked a cake in this briefcase, just like the instructions say to do, and now Iíve brought it out here to share. I get the piece with the rose!

Dolph Ziggler: Vickie, itís my birthday. Canít I have the rose please?

Vickie: No! Now Iím going to sing a song.

I hopped of the plane at LAX,
With a dream and my cardigan;
Welcome to the land of fame, excess,
Whoa am I gonna fit in?

Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time!
Looked to the right,
And I see the Hollywood sign!

This is all so crazy,
Everybody seems so famous.
My tummyís turniní,
And Iím feeliní kinda homesick-

Dolph: I hate you, CM Punk. You hear that? I hate you!

Kofi Johnston runs out and kicks Dolph in the head, saving Dolph from the embarrassment of having to hang out with Vickie any more tonight. Then he grabs the briefcase, eats frosting rose and dumps it over her head.

Vickie: NOOOOOOOOO! This is why we canít have cake!

Kofi: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah Yeah Yeah Yeah, itís a party in the USA.

(ads)

The Miz vs. Alex Riley

Ever wondered what Alex Riley was like as a child? Pretty much as neckless and jerky looking as he is now, really. His parents should be proud. You know what would get Alex Riley over? If he grabbed the sound production guy and threw him through the sound equipment. Though I donít know how weíd deal with a whole John Cena/Vince McMahon segment without theme music. Miz dominates most of the early part of the match, including an extended eight minute segment where he just sat on Rileyís shoulder and read him selections from their book club book this month, Sex on the Moon.

(ads)

Before you ask, no that isnít the Kelly Kelly Kelly autobiography. Thatís Sex with Max Moon. Iím just kidding, I love Kelly Kelly and Randy Orton is a dick with a salad bowl for a head. Riley finally wakes up at about the half hour mark, notices that the match is still going on, and rolls Miz up for the pin. Thatís (Probably) His Move! In response, Miz rolls out of the ring, grabs the steps and slams Rileyís face into them repeatedly for about the next hour. Then he throws him over the announce table, dumps a glass of Pepsi on him, and writes ďBonerĒ across his back in huge letters with a Sharpie. The ultimate revenge!

Backstage, Vince McMahon is wearing a shirt he apparently bought at the dollar sale at Goodwill.

(ads)

Not that thereís anything wrong with Goodwill, but you just shouldnít get shirts there to wear with your $5,000 suit.

Vince McMahon: Hi everybody. No, Iím sure youíre all wondering why I got on a plane earlier tonight and flew a couple laps around Las Vegas, just so I could show back up here tonight and talk about suspending CM Punk. Because I wanted to, so screw you. Besides, I think itís next week right now anyway, so that makes it ok. Anyway, I donít know what CM Punk was talking about last week. I have no idea what a Cold Cabana is, we honor our elders on Satireversary, and I have no idea what this epic quest he talked about was. Iím certainly no Dark Lord, Iíve never forged a World Title out of pure evil, and I honestly have no idea who or what a Chris Benoit is. As far as I remember, we accidentally shot 14 hours of footage of Pat Patterson picking his nose in 2005 and had to delete it.

Vince nods to himself.

Vince: Yep. Thatís exactly what happened. And as for CM Punk, have you seen this guyís contract rider? I e-mailed a copy over to The Smoking Gun, but he wants:

-Paid transportation in the sidecar of a motorcycle driven by a bear to every WWE event

-Carrots whittled by a world class woodcarver to resemble members of the Ring of Honor roster

-14 bottles of room temperature water (not Evian)

-A meat tray with no ďsweatyĒ meat

-48 hand towels

-13 yellow M&Ms

-A poster of the band Paramore (No Josh or Zac) hung on the ceiling with little hearts drawn in mauve crayon around Hayley

I mean, who does this guy think he is? Ashlee Simpson? Hell no Iím not putting his face on a poster or making a DVD of the million matches heís had with Orton and Cena. Heís justÖIíve been working on this all day, you guysÖPunk!

John Cena: Ok, ok, Vince! Hold on a second there, pal. Because Iíve been watching WWE videos on YouTube all week, and itís really jogged my memory. I remember having a bit part in that 14 hour docudrama, and though I canít seem to remember anything I ever actually *did* aside from throwing things at Eric Bischoff and getting shot by The Sunday School Kid. That happened, Vince. ITíS STILL REAL TO ME! And for reminding me of that, CM Punk deserves to be reinstated.

Vince: You make a compelling argument, John. Except that you donít. Knowing you, youíll probably lose and Punk shows up the next day in JCW with the Spinniní Title, and we all look like a bunch of boobs.

Cena: Have you ever watched a single one of my matches? Worst case scenario, he beats me up for an hour and I ignore it and kill him in ten seconds at the end of the match.

Vince: Thatís what Hogan said! And then the next thing you know he was in WCW!

Cena: Vince, do you remember when CM Punk was in the mafia and he drove my car down to the ring one time because I owed them money?

Vince: No?

Cena: Ok, maybe that was a dream then. I couldíve sworn that actually happened. Well, ok. You know what? You take the WWE title then. Lord knows youíll never leave. Iíll wrestle Alberto Del Rio for one of my swanky looking T-Shirts, and you fritter away all the heat we built up for this angle.

Vince: Now wait a minute, whoís frittering here? Nobodyís frittering! Iím not a fritterer.

He pulls Cena close, and whispers, thankfully right into a microphone.

Vince: Look John, itís not me that wants Punk gone. Itís You Know Who. He knows Punk is onto Him, and Heís not happy. If I could do something about it I would. Can you beat CM Punk?

Cena: Yeah, probably.

Vince: Ok. Then the match is on. But if you loseÖI canít be held responsible for what He does to you.

Then Vince marches away, and the lights turn purple and yellow.

Next Week: CM Punk returns and spends the entire show with a gag in his mouth as part of a pre-show accident. Also, Vince McMahon spends the entire show trying to shred every document he can find for the past ten years. And Alberto Del Rio, confused over where the stipulations of his match leave him, wrestles himself for an hour.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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