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Megaphones and Ice Cream

July 14, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: It was actually two weeks ago, so Vince McMahon had plenty of time to circle around Las Vegas for two hours. Also, John Cena begged and pleaded for his first interesting feud in years not to end. And Alberto Del Rio won…Something. I’m not really sure what yet. Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!

Last Week: It was actually two weeks ago, so Vince McMahon had plenty of time to circle around Las Vegas for two hours. Also, John Cena begged and pleaded for his first interesting feud in years not to end. And Alberto Del Rio won…Something. I’m not really sure what yet. Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)


Here’s CM Punk with a megaphone. Either he’s trying to get Jimmy Hart’s old job (guest star on Thunder in Paradise) or he’s trying to prevent WWE from preventing him from sending another shout out to Colt Cabana. Sneaky sneaky!

CM Punk: Man, this megaphone doesn’t really carry in the arena. How’d Jimmy do it? Anywhoozle, two weeks ago, I was out here and I was about to reveal a deep dark secret about one of WWE’s top superstars. Well, I’d just like to say…I don’t know what I was thinking. I woke up the next morning in a dumpster with no memory of who I was or what was going on. I wandered the streets of Cleveland looking for answers, until I was kidnapped by WWE Hall of Famer Drew Carey and forced to price bottles of stain remover in his sweat shop. I think it had to do with Triple H and Stephanie being slobbering morons and some guy in a mask, but everybody knows what Rey Misterio looks like. But now I’m back, and everybody else pretty much sucks. So nothing has really changed. And I still haven’t signed a contract, as anybody on my Livejournal community would be able to tell you. Don’t believe me? Check my Geocities page. Vince really wants me to sign a new contract, and ECW is begging for me to come back. Apparently, somewhere, Tommy Dreamer is backstage filming himself hitting action figures together in front of a video camera. But you know what? Paramore is about to start another international tour next month, and somebody just applied to be their roadie! So…yeah. Hey, I mean, it’s a twice, maybe thrice in a lifetime opportunity! We’ll see later tonight.


John Cena: Hi!

Punk: Dude, can you not give me, like, ten seconds of mic time here? I’m beating it out here! Take your Spinnin’ title and spin on over to the Money in the Bank PPV and throw yourself off a ladder.

Cena: Can we end this charade now? I never lose. You’re smart enough to know that! I’ll sell for you for like ten seconds, then I’ll stand up like you’ve never touched me and put you in the STFU for the win.

Punk: Wrestling! I just wanted to say wrestling.

Cena: Let me give you a list of names. Triple H. Shawn Michaels. JBL. Rosa Mendez. Bullet Bob Armstrong. Haku. Kurt Angle, The Late Great Rene Dupree. Gillberg. Maven. Judy Bagwell. What do those names have in common? I’m not really sure. Let’s have a match.

Michael Cole: Demon Girl just chimed in! She says that CM Punk looks gross and like he does drugs anyway. Also, John Cena is going to have a match, because all that red is hurting her eyes right now. Then there’s a picture of her sacrificing a goat with Festus.


John Cena vs. David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty
In a Handicapped Match

Cena just looks mildly perturbed. And maybe a little sleepy. To be fair, I’m pretty sure even I could beat these two in a handicap match. It’s nice to see they’re still supporting Punk though. They’re going to follow him all the way to the Gallows. And then they’re going to have a rack of lamb! I don’t know if that’s on Jennifer Hudson’s diet list though. I think Cena’s more sad than anything that he’s missing the home run derby right now. I mean, come on, Vince. That only happens once a a year! Give a guy a break. Speaking of breaks….


See what I did there, Michael Cole? It’s called a transition! I didn’t need to take ten years of community college journalism classes to learn that. And speaking of people who failed out of community college, WWE Live Events are sponsored by K-Mart. John Cena is vintage, because, like a fine wine he gets older with age. David Otunga literally disappears for about twenty minutes, I think because he really wanted to find some old wine. CM Punk is not going to be happy! Cena politely waits for David to come back before taking out McGillicutty, then he hits Otunga with the Attitude Adjustment for the win. Well…at least they’re protecting the tag champs by having them job to John Cena.


Ever wonder what happened to Edge? Me either, weirdly. I do kind of wonder what Gillberg’s up to though. Probably something cooler than me, unfortunately. Anyway…Backstage….

Vickie Guerrero: That’s a nice suit, Dolph! When did they start selling suits at Kids R Us?

Dolph Ziggler: Very funny, Vickie! But who’s going to be laughing when CM Punk takes off with the WWE Spinnin’ Title and leaves me as the top champion on the brand? Everybody else. That’s who. Because that would be terrible.

Vickie: Wait! Let me do my Vince impression! “Dolph! I am Vince McMahon!” Pretty good, right?

Dolph: No, Vickie. That was not very good at all.

Vickie: Let me try that again! “Ooh! I’m still Vince!”

Drew McIntyre: A backstage segment? I love getting in on these! “Oh, I’m Scottish Vince McMahon! Get in mah bellah!”

Vickie: No! Get in MAH bellah!

Dolph: You guys are both really stupid, and I hope you get fired soon so I don’t have to appear in any more backstage segments with either one of you.

McIntyre: Don’t use such harmful language! Being randomly in backstage segments is pretty much all they’ll let me do now!

Vickie: And if I left, nobody would even know who you are!

Vince McMahon: Geez. Who the hell are you three? Like…Make A Wish kids or something? Do you want my autograph? Nah, I’m just kidding. I know who you two are. Spanky! Hell of a match you had against Mankind last week! Now get off those stilts, you look ridiculous. Evan Bourne, that hair bleach makes you look like a bum. Knock it off. You two want a match? I had Zack Ryder against Big Show tonight, but somebody scribbled his name out, so how about you guys take his spot? Good? Great. Now I have to go find out what ever happened to Drew McIntyre. I had high hopes for that kid.

Scott Stanford: Vince! Vince! Can I ask you something? Is that a violet shirt with a puce tie? What are you? A ten years old girl? Get with the times, Vince. You should order a T-Shirt from the HYPERLINK "http://stanfordarmy.com/"Stanford Army. It’s the manliest T-Shirt you’ll ever own!

Vince: Go to hell.

Stanford: Ok! I’m just going to go. To hell.

Elsewhere, Kelly Kelly Kelly is lost.


Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Melina

The Bella Twins are on commentary, and thankfully don’t use the time to discuss how people dying made them want to model in bikinis. Instead they spend the whole time complaining that Kelly weighs 10 lbs, despite the fact that I have it on good authority that that is their total combined weight. I learned that from Justin Roberts, who is still awful. Sadly, when Jerry Lawler asks how to tell the Bellas apart, they do not respond “Crotch Tattoo,” causing Lawler to seize up on the spot and be replaced on commentary by The Berzerker for the rest of the night. HUSS HUSS! Instead, Michael Cole just says, “You know why Kelly Kelly doesn’t eat? Because she buys her food at K-Mart! K-Mart, sponsoring WWE!” Kelly won a while back, I guess? I don’t know. After the match, the Bellas tell Kelly that she should eat Alexis Laree and Katy Perry. Eve Torres runs out with a piece of pie, but the Bellas manage to take out both girls with their superior athletic ability……BWAHAHAHAHA! I almost made it out of the segment.

Backstage, The Miz is trying to convince people that he’s still relevant.


Here’s Miz.

The Miz: You guys! Seriously! Don’t you remember last year? I won Money in the Bank and won the WWE Title! I totally happened. Hell, I was champion until Wrestlemania. I main evented Wrestlemania this year! I swear that that happened this year. I know I’ve been wrestling Alex Riley lately, but I’m still awesome. Take my word for it! Please?

Jack Swagger: Is that supposed to be impressive? I’ve won Money in the Bank and the World Title. It happened! Check out Wikipedia if you don’t believe me! So if I can do it, then anybody can. You winning the match doesn’t mean Jack. Swagger.

Miz: And how long, exactly did you hold onto that title? A day? A minute even?

Swagger: I don’t know. Wikipedia is hazy on that.

Evan Bourne: I am cutting a promo.

Kofi Johnston: You know what I need to cut a promo? FIREWORKS, Y’ALL! WOOO! Hahaha. Seriously though, I am Shelton, so that means I’m going to take some crazy ass bump and then lose the match. That’s…all I have. Wait…No. Anybody remember Edge? That guy had crazy eyes. Ok. Now I’m done.

R-Truth: I’m selling these fine leather vests! Buy one for the Little Jimmy in your life! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to leave. I have serious Androphobia. Fear of Androids.

Alex Riley: I suffer severe leukophobia. That’s why I hate Miz so much.

Alberto Del Rio: Hey, you guys! It’s me! Alberto Del Rio! But you already knew that, because it says so on the Titantron! Did you remember last week? When I won the #1 Contendership? Well, apparently that was just for pretendsies. So I’ll just win this too! It is my destiny! To get played off the stage by my own music, apparently!

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl. She says, and I quote, “You guys are sooooooooo stupid. Don’t you know these segments always lead to matches? Well…this is no exception. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go light a town on fire. XoXo Demon Girl.”

Rey Misterio was apparently too busy to come out here tonight? Gee, thanks a lot, Rey!


Bruce Campbell really classes up this joint.

Jack Swagger, The Miz, and R-Truth vs. Evan Bourne, Alex Riley, and Kofi Kingston

Alberto Del Rio decided to drive off so he didn’t get roped into being a part of this either. Michael Cole namedropping Brian Wilson is not helping me from wanting to turn over to the home run derby right now. I just can’t help but look at the Money in the Bank briefcase and think what a delicious cake they could make in there. I also can’t help but wonder if Alex Riley misses sleeping with it. I think that might give him an advantage come Sunday. They must be reunited.


Kofi is having trouble taking out Jack Swagger, which is, I think, a problem we can all relate too. I, mean, I know I’ve been trying to take out Jack Swagger for years now, but the guy just keeps popping back up. Gangly arms and giant face swinging at me like some kind of cartoon octopus. I think I just wrote Jerry “” Lawler’s next children’s book. Alex Riley makes a hot tag and will not shut up. Seriously, there is nobody louder in the ring. The strategy seems to work, though, as he scares Swagger into submission. After the match, Alberto Del Rio drives out and runs over everybody with his car. Hey, if he can do that Sunday!


Dolph Ziggler and Drew McIntyre (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. The Big Show
In a Handicap Match

Big mistake coming out to Dolph’s music. Drew’s is better by about 3,000%. It’s not even close. Big Show’s new WMD shirt seems…Well, I wouldn’t buy a shirt that says WMD on it, but you know what? It’s better than most T-shirts these guys put out, so I’m going to let him have a pass at that one. I wonder if Show is still upset about being run over by a car? No? Ok, then, Del Rio’s safe after that last segment. It’s hard to care too much about this, because Big Show is NOT ON THIS SHOW! Even if his name is “Show” it doesn’t count. Show and Drew leave, resulting in a countout, which is nice. Best ending to a handicap match tonight! Show tosses Drew into the big “WWE” on the ramp, which is as cheesy looking as ever, but then Mark Henry flies by, and the distortion waves created by his passing stank buffet Show and McIntyre, and knock them off the stage. Mark Henry: Brilliant strategist.


There sure is a lot of Shelton Benjamin in these Money in the Bank clips. I mean, he is Kofi, but still. I don’t see any Matt Hardy clips. Hey, Finlay!


After Vince makes his entrance eight times (because nobody gets a bigger pop than Vince McMahon)….’

Vince McMahon: Hey, folks. I can’t think of anything I love more than contract negotiations, and it’s going to be so much fun to show you all what happens behind the scenes. One time, Nailz tried to kill me! Kevin Kelly too!

No lawyers or agents then? Not even Clarence Mason?! You can ask for anything, Punk! Get me hired as the head of creative! We’ll run WWE off the air in weeks!

Vince: So if you won’t mind just signing your life away here, I’ll get your ugly face on a 7/11 cup and maybe make you look less spindly in the next video game. And if you’re lucky…really, really lucky, you can be the villain on WWE Babies. No need for lawyers or “reading,” let’s just get this over with.

Punk: Man, you know what? I really love that shirt and tie. I think Colt Cabana has the same one. Colt Cabana, folks!

Vince: This table is making me trip out! Where did we get this thing! Phil, you don’t do drugs, tell me what I need to do!

Punk: My mom doesn’t even call me, Phil! And hey, I wrote this contract backstage in crayon. It’s got pictures of flowers in it, and I drew a stick figure of me and a stick figure of you, and I’m totally riding you across the ocean like a wind runner. Because that’s what I do. Surf on people! And I want a unicorn. Not just any unicorn either. I want you to travel to Friendship Gardens, Equestria and find Fluttershy, the shy yellow Pegasus, and I want you to bring her back to the United States so that I may ride her to every event and become her best friend. Also, I want my face to replace “WWE” on all television broadcasts from here on out. That saves you from the eventual lawsuit from the Wild Woodworking Elves, and saves me from ever having to see Miz pretend like making the “WW” into “MM” makes any sense. Next, I want your secret stash of WWE Ice Cream bars that I know you’re keeping in your freezer, hoping the price goes up on eBay. It’s been way too long since I licked King Kong Bundy. I want to be in “The Knucklehead 2” as a disadvantaged child who turns out to be a marine whose wife is killed by gangsters, one of which is played by John Malkovich, who nurses me back to health so that I can kill the REAL criminal, played by, who else? G-Rilla. And I want John Cena and The Rock to wrestle in a bed of marshmallows match. Because it’s going to be hilarious. And stop being such a bully! Zack Ryder is literally crying a rainbow of tears right now. Damn YOU FOR KILLING COLT CABANA! THE MATT CLASSIC GIMMICK WOULD’VE GOTTEN OVER! HE’S BETTER THAN SIN CARA!

Vince: I loved EVERY SECOND OF FIRING FESTUS! That guy creeped me out!

Punk: Vince, dammit, I know what people want in 2011! Way better than you do! They want tiny Indy guys doing backflips! They want out of shape dudes with bad haircuts rolling around for an hour and then standing up and waiting for applause! They want mat based wrestling that makes you zone out for an hour! That’s the future of this sport, Vince!

Vince: I’m sorry, Punk. I really am. You’re right. You’re the king of wrestling and I’m wearing a weird pink shirt!

Here’s John Cena! He wasn’t invited to this party!

John Cena: You’re more over than me in West Blueberry! Congratulations! But now you’re leaving to go wrestle in front of eight guys in some dude’s backyard. So…Great timing there, genius. I mean, I hate Vince too! Everybody hates Vince! If it’s cool to hate Vince, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll step on Vince and poop and pee and other words that are PG versions of things that normal people say! And then I’ll talk with an exaggerated Boston accent in the hopes that it’ll get me more over but it WON’T! And the real kicker is that nobody puts in more work than me! Not Vince, not Triple H, not Zack Ryder, not WWE RAW Referee Nunzio! And it kills me to see you walking away CM Punk, without giving half the effort that I have, because John Cena is the industry standard! And The Rock! Just to remind people that that’s way more important than you!

Punk: You know, that’s an interesting point, John. You do put in a lot of work, and yet you still manage to be pretty damn awful each and every week. It’s like…Some kind of Super Power, how you could manage to suck that bad and still be the WWE Champion. It reminds me of when I was a gangster and I drove around on your car at Wrestlemania because you owed us money-

Cena: I knew I didn’t dream that! You hear that, Vince? I didn’t dream that!

Punk: And I remember thinking, “Some day! Some day I’d love to be in the main event at Wrestlemania of whatever show this doofus isn’t on. But first I have to get Mickie James to stop following me around on roller skates. But John, just like Insert Your Favorite Sports Team Here, you’re not some kind of underdog. You’ve got a dad that survived an assault from Ranky Q. Morgan! You’ve got a hot wife! You’re not a man of the people! You’re not an underdog! You’re an overpaid rich guy in clown shoes and a fake accent from a place you’re actually from. You am become Jay Z the destroyer of worlds!

Cena finally loses it and slaps Punk out of the ring. Yeah! You show him how from the streets you still are, John! That $500,000 house in West Blueberry that you grew up in didn’t pay for itself!

Punk: Oh my God. John Cena, you slap like a girl. I can’t be a part of this charade anymore. You guys have your Satireversaries. You have your frolics through the wilderness. I’m outta here. I’m going to take the CM Punk show to someplace cool and happening! That’s right, folks! Kaijou Big Battel HERE I COME!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Sin Cara somehow wins both Money in the Bank matches and wins both world titles. Also, Kelly Kelly Kelly shows how well nourished she is by eating a whole grape! And CM Punk walks out of WWE and into the warm, welcoming, waiting arms of FCW. SHOCKING SWERVE~!


Tommy Dreamer: Pkow! Pkchuu! Oh, Dreamer to the top rope! 450 Splash! Dreamer has the title! Dreamer has the title! Tommy Dreamer just pinned The Undertaker for the WWE Title! And the crowd goes wild!

Tough Enough Jessie: Tommy, would you stop that? This is serious business!

Dreamer: Aww! The Action Figure Wrestling Federation is taking over YouTube though! I have it on good authority that we have the inside track on signing CM Punk!

Zack Ryder: Bro, did you drug CM Punk so he wouldn’t talk about You Know Who?

T.E. Jessie: Yes.

Ryder: But you know he doesn’t do drugs!

T.E. Jessie: What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Or maybe it will. I don’t know what the drug I gave him actually does other than make him forget about his plans to unveil to the whole world the identity of the man behind the mask. It’s too soon for that. The Satireversary is fast approaching, and things will soon change for the WWE Universe.

Ryder: That guy was, like, my best friend.

Scott Stanford: Aw, what about me?

Ryder: You just use me for T-Shirt sales!

Dreamer: What about me?!

Ryder: You’ve gone over my action figure, like, nine times, bro.

Curt Hawkins: What about me?

Ryder: You’re…still alive?

Michael Tarver: What about me?

Ryder: How long have you been here?!!

Tarver: A couple weeks. Ever since they gave my job to Drew McIntyre. I mostly stay in the background.

Ryder: Ok? Well…Take care and spike your hair, bro.

Tarver: I don’t have any hair.

Ryder: Woo woo woo. You know it!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
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RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
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RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
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PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
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RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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