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RAW SATIRE    
Zack Ryder Sells His Soul... and His Secrets

July 28, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Triple H fired Vince McMahon from his own company for not being more fashion conscious. Also, Rey Misterio and The Miz won the right to compete for a title that may or may not belong to a five year old boy. And Alberto Del Rio failed to win his third guaranteed WWE title shot in two weeks, thereby making him the lamest wrestling in the history of our great sport. Maybe he can finally turn that around…TONIGHT!

 

(Opening Credits)

Rey Misterio vs. The Miz
For the WWE Babies Title

Backstage, the RAW Lockerroom is once again saving me a lot of work. Hey, look, Primo bought a Zack Ryder T-Shirt. I guess, realizing there will never be a “Primo” shirt. The title is sitting on a pedestal outside the ring, begging somebody to go up and touch it. Doesn’t it play WWE Superstar themes? If that’s the case, the only guys who can hold the belt from here on out are Hunter, Undertaker, Hornswoggle, CM Punk, John Cena, and Rey. So there you go, sorry, Miz. I just looked at the Shopzone, and I’m sort of disturbed that you can buy John Morrison themed Christmas stockings. Does Zack Ryder’s Dad know about this? The crowd, in an attempt to be obtuse as possible, begins chanting for Ricardo Rodriguez. I mean, I love the guy too, but I don’t think he’s going to win the WWE Babies title tonight.

(ads)

Jerry “” Lawler really, really, really doesn’t like President Obama. That’s not a good way to get him to appear on another PPV, you guys. Maybe Jerry’s just mad that he won’t follow him on Twitter or something. Seriously, though, of all the songs you have on a toy WWE title, “I Came to Play” isn’t one of them? Really? REALLY? I mean, you have Undertaker’s “Funeral Dirge,” and Motorhead, and “This Fire Burns”? That’s what you’re giving children. Miz’s’z’s knee finally gives out on him, and Rey gets a 619 and a splash for the win. Play his music, WWE Babies’ Title! After the match, Alberto Del Rio comes out to show everybody his awesome briefcase, but Rey kicks it out of his hands. Geez. Play nice, Rey! It’s mean to not let the other children play show and tell!

(ads)

Backstage, Rey is getting doused with Similac by Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters, Darren Young, Titus O’Niell, Derrick Bateman, Beth Phoenix, Curt Hawkens, Alex Riley, and Tyler Reks (WHO?!). Masters makes them some Similac pancakes and then immediately falls back into whatever hole he crawled out of. Zack Ryder watches from a distance, shame in his eyes. Shame for what, Zack? Shame for what? Before he can answer that imaginary question, John Cean shoos everyone else away, and then pushes the button on the title to make his music play.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, that sounds like a challenge. Are you challenging for the WWE Babies title?

John Cena: You know what, Josh, I think I am!

Mathews: You heard it, folks! John Cena is challenging for the WWE Babies title!

Rey Misterio: Um…Hello! What about me! I’m the Babies champion, so how about a little respect! My music is on this belt too! Hold on a second!

WWE Babies Title: The cow says “Moo!”

Everybody starts awkwardly shuffling away.

Misterio: No! You guys! I swear!

WWE Babies Title: Math is hard! Let’s go shopping!

Misterio: I hate you, WWE Babies Title!

WWE Babies Title: Oooooooh Radiooooooooooooooo-

(ads)

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Evan Bourne

Dolph’s theme music has been run though the Babies Title filter of awfulness, and now sounds even stupider than before somehow. Sort of like how they gave The Corrrrrrrrrrrre eight versions of the same song, and they all somehow got progressively worse. Did you know that Evan Bourne was once a vice president of a mailbox company? Think about that for a second. Was the company just, like, him and Colt Cabana, and Colt made mailboxes in his spare time, and since Evan was in the room, Colt was president and Evan was vice president. That’s the only way I can see that working, because the only thing I could see Evan Bourne being vice president of is jobbing to Dolph Ziggler. Which he does very well. To the sleeper. Heh. Even Dolph finds this sort of hilarious.

(ads)

Backstage….

The Bella Twins: We don’t know who you are or why you exist.

Eve Torres: You know, I wake up every day and ask myself the same thing.

Keith Stone: Hey everybody!

The Bella Twins: Is beer PG?

Stone: Face it, ladies, no matter how much kids want to rebel and drink, even they know that they can do better than Keystone. So my constant appearances on WWE TV are no biggie. Now, ladies, I can’t see your crotch tattoo, so I’m going to draw on Nikki’s arm so I can tell you apart when we’re making out later.

Eve: Tried that already, it doesn’t work.

Keith Stone draws a stick figure of himself selling Corona with lime in it.

The Bella Twins: We wish you were a cooler spokesperson.

Eve: What’s the Noid up to?

Remember to drink beer, kids. Or…Whatever we were trying to say here.

Melina and Maryse vs. Eve and Kelly Kelly

What the hell is the point of having Maryse and Melina out here if you’re not going to have them do their entrances? They’re 90% entrance! Melina especially. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her do anything EXCEPT her entrance successfully, and even that gets pretty dicey. Kelly, on the other hand, does absolutely nothing for her entrance, but then occasionally will hit something during the match. Like slapping Melina in the but. And then doing the Maryse pose. Maryse, understandably, is not impressed. If we see Miz with Kelly though, we’ll know. Kelly with the pin on Melina for the win. I guess Melina’s new haircut didn’t help change her luck. Time to…learn some moves.

Backstage, R-Truth is talking to the wall while Triple H stand patiently in front of said wall.

(ads)

D-Lo Brown will be playing live at WWE Summerfest.

Hhhere’s Hunter!

Triple H: I can’t believe they make suits for hunchbacks either, but here it is. Proof positive. You know, I just wanted to take a second to thank Vince McMahon. I mean, without the guidance and direction of Vince McMahon we wouldn’t have wasted most of the ‘90s literally doing nothing, and we certainly wouldn’t have had an unbreakable appearance contract with Keith Stone. He’s more over than half our roster though, folks, so there you go. Anyway, we haven’t had nearly enough stupid title changes after an arbitrarily short amount of time in WWE these past few months, so tonight John Cena is going to beat Rey Misterio. I mean face. Tonight, Rey Misterio is going to face John Cena and lose. I mean, you know what? Let’s call a spade a spade here. Rey’s got no chance, and I don’t care. Also, I had the opportunity to hire a certain guy back that everybody tells me we should never have fired. So, here he is, former WCW Cruiserweight Champion Oklahoma, ladies and gentleman! As head of talent relations, I have a good feeling about this one.

It’s actually Jim Ross that comes out, disappointing millions of Ed Ferrara fans. And writer of all those ECW episodes you forgot to watch Dave Lagana. #IWantBuffaloWings.

Michael Cole: Oh come on! How long do you suppose this will last? He’ll either get homesick again and refuse to show up unless we film every RAW in his backyard. Or else, you’ll be unable to resist the huge temptation to make fun of him every week, and we’ll end up burying half the roster with another pointless J.R. feud. Also, his restaurant went out of business, like, two years ago. So…how about that?

Jim Ross: BAH GOD, KING! What’s Todd Pettingill doing back?

Cole: You see? He doesn’t know who anybody is either. This is awful.

HHH: No, this is awful: you’re in a match tonight. Right after I spend 300 minutes cutting this promo.

Cole: But I retired from in-ring competition!

HHH: It’s either that or I pull you off RAW and Smackdown and put you on NXT again.

Cole: So, a match, huh? I better go get ready!

Here’s another guy!

R-Truth: Well if it isn’t Hunter Hearst Helmsley! My old nemesis!

HHH: Oh my God! When I saw you backstage I totally didn’t make the connection, but…K-Kwick?! Is that you?!

Truth: I…got a better name. But hey, remember when you wouldn’t let me in DX because even though I saved Road Dogg’s career you didn’t think I was cool enough?

HHH: Hahaha! Yeah, that was crazy. I mean we let X-Pac and Billy Gunn in, so it wasn’t like we had particularly high standards either. You must’ve really sucked.

Truth: Well, I’ve been carrying that with me for ten years! I went to TNA and hung out with Konnan, dammit! I developed an unnatural fear of macramé! I SIT BACKSTAGE ALL NIGHT AND TALK TO WALLS! I’m being followed by a guy named Jimmy and I’m pretty sure that none of this is even actually happening right now! And it’s all your fault!

HHH: Wow, that’s a heavy load to lay on a guy. So rather than respond to you and/or make fun of you and your condition, I’m just going to go ahead and make your life more miserable. Because why change the good thing we’ve got going on between us, right? So here’s this guy. Don’t know who he is, but…yeah.

It’s John Morrison! He’s just in jeans, so that’s how you can tell he’s serious. Or that Zack Ryder’s dad stole his coat. Truth acts shocked, but basically figures that he can push a cart of TVs on Morrison anytime he wants. So imagine his surprise when Johnny rushes the ring, jumps onto his neck again in a move that totally didn’t just shelve him for three months, and then misses his move at Truth! That’s His Move~!

(ads)

Michael Cole vs. Zack Ryder

Cole comes out dressed as Triple H, including the water spit and everything, but he comes out to “On Your Knees Doug” which is Hunter’s promo music, so that’s kind of dumb. Zack Ryder comes out and he’s just bawling. His fake tan is running down his face, and his hair is barely spiked. He’s wearing a Broski T-Shirt, but it’s torn, as if somebody had been weeping and gnashing their teeth in it. He hits a half hearted Rough Ryder and heads backstage with no fanfare. Michael Cole leaves the ring embarrassed, but with a hint of a smile on his lips.

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio vs.-

(ads)

Ehem.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Johnston

Oh, Ricardo. How I’ve missed you. Think about it this way, folks, we were this close to having Kofi Johnston booked in a WWE Babies Title match tonight! He’s still Shelton, though, so he’d find some way to blow it. Then again, I half expect us to wind up with WWE Babies Champion Keith Stone by the end fo the night, so who knows? That guy really is one of the most over people on the roster. You know, I wonder if Ricardo could fit in the briefcase. Then Alberto could take him wherever he went! Not that he couldn’t already, but this would be in a briefcase, which is nominally cooler. Or hotter, depending on whether you took all that literally or not. And if you did, why the hell would you do that? Alberto locks in an armbar for the win.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews stands by with The Miz.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with The Miz. Miz, I have to ask you, what do you think of Rey Misterio who beat you earlier tonight having to take on John Cena only an hour and a half later?

The Miz: Like I care. If I had won I’d be pretty pissed. But Rey Misterio is a joke. Him winning the WWE Babies title and then losing it minutes later is the greatest rib. But I really don’t care about any of that, because guess who got voted PWI’s Number One wrestler? This guy!

Mathews: You know that doesn’t mean anything, right? Lex Luger won it one year!

Miz: Oh come on, Josh. Don’t be jealous. Just because you’ve never been the number one wrestl-

Mathews: Randy Orton has won it the past two years!

Miz: LIES!

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the PWI Girl’s Chocolatechip. And it’s true The Wiz, I’m the 2210 and 1999 POW Wrangler of the Year.

Miz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(ads)

John Cena vs. Rey Misterio
For the WWE Babies Title

Rey is wearing his “Depressed Person” mask, which I haven’t seen since WCW, so I can’t imagine this is going to go well for him. Not that I really expected it to anyway. But, to his credit, Rey puts together a valiant effort. He jumps around, spins through the ropes. He does a big splash. Unfortunately, John Cena wasn’t around for any of that, so even when Rey does hit his only offensive move of the match (an STF, no less!), Cena just stands up and gives him a one-legged Attitude Adjustment for the win. John Cena is the new WWE Babies Champion! Everything old is old again! Cena really, really, really wants to give Rey another AA after the match, but Rey’s already drowning in his own tears in that mask, so Cena doesn’t add insult to injury. Instead he celebrates, well, like a little baby.

When suddenly, “99 Luftballons” blares over the loudspeakers. The crowd, being as well versed in pro-wrestling history as anyone, knows that this is the music that CM Punk used when he was trying to seduce WWE Superstar Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella)! The crowd goes wild! CM Punk comes out, apparently not having changed since the Money in the Bank PPV. He raises the WWE Spinnin’ Title (weren’t you supposed to get a new one?) over his head. Cena, not one to back down from anything ever, throws the WWE Babies title over his head and it immediately begins playing “This Fire Burns.” Awwwwwkward.

Next Week: Jim Ross quits, having fulfilled his lifelong dream of commentating on one episode of RAW in the 2010s where he didn’t get pantsed or beaten up. Triple H continues catering to Internet fans by signing amazing writing talent Matt Hocking to a lucrative long term deal (to wash ring gear :( ). And John Cena and CM Punk continue to feud about whose belt is stupider and more meaningless.

Elsewhere….

X-Pac: Can you believe that rube Ryder? Hunter found him and offered him a spot on the show, and he turned over everything he knew about this rogue cell.

Kevin Nash: Yeah, that poor kid folded like a steel chair just to make his dad and fans proud. What a maroon. And what did he get out of the deal? A squash of Michael Cole. Ooooh. Hey, speaking of steel chairs, anybody seen one? I gotta sit down. I’ve been walking for, what, ten seconds now? Ugh.

Scott Hall: Hey, yo. Where are these guys at, mang? I wanna throw toothpicks at them. They think they’re gonna take WWE down? They got another thing comin’.

Nash: What do you guys even care? I mean, I know you love Hunter and all, but I’m the only one signed to a WWE contract.

Pac: It’s either this or sit around and cry about my life all day.

Hall: I thought this was all a dream.

Nash: He said there were three of them. A girl, a fat guy, and some other guy. But I don’t see anyone back here in this mysteriously constructed shelter. Hey! Ultimo Dragon, Sin Cara, have you seen a bunch of rebels back here?

Sin Cara: Oh, no-uh! I am too busy not doing steroids and drinking Stacker 2-uh! Gotta love those bees-uh!

Ultimo Dragon: I am Dragonriffic. Uh. ECDUB ECDUB!

Sin Cara does a really awful backflip into Ultimo Dragon.

Pac: Ok, that was really weird. Let’s go check catering. I bet they’re hiding inside the pasta, and I challenge myself to find them.

Nash: Sounds like a plan to me! How dangerous could these guys really be anyway?

Hall: One more win…for…the…good…?

The trio leaves.

Cara: Tommy, you almost ruined that for us! I can’t believe Ryder turned heel on us! And for what? 30 seconds of screen time? I hope his ex-girlfriend and dad were watching, because when I get my hands on that punk, I’m going to spike his hair right into his throat.

Dragon: Aw, come on. Maybe he had a good reason! Maybe they were holding Trent Barretta hostage or something. We should at least give him a chance to explain himself. I’m just wondering how they didn’t see Tarver. I mean, he doesn’t even have a costume on!

Michael Tarver: I do so. I’m dressed as Michael Tarver. The perfect disguise.

Cara: Still, this plan is falling apart at the seams. If we want He Who Shall Not Be Named to suffer and answer for his crimes, we’re going to need…divine intervention.

Mysterious Voice: Well, I may not be divine, but I think I know just the thing that can get you out of your Zack Ryder blues.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
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