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Rollin' to SummerFest

August 4, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: John Cena won a WWE Title that is absolutely useless, wrothless, and has no place on this show. No, not the Divas title. Also, Triple H found that running WWE is a lot harder than trying to run WWE into the ground. And Alberto Del Rio still doesn’t know what to do with a briefcase. Can somebody help him out….TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s CM Punk to his new theme “Take On Me” by A-Ha. I like his new entrance video. Did Jerrry “” Lawler do those doodles?

CM Punk: Yeah. I’ll be gone in a day or two alright. Just kidding, I won’t be. I just signed a new WWE contract! Now you might be thinking to yourself, “Why would you sign a new contract? You just said all those things two weeks ago about leaving!” Yeah, well, I’d love to tell you that it was a moral thing. That I couldn’t look myself in the mirror, and I had to come back and fix WWE from the inside out until all these idiots stop trying to run this place into the ground. But honestly, I woke up one day, sleeping on Colt Cabana’s couch, and realized, “Holy crap! I’m WWE champion, but I’m here sleeping on an old pizza box on Colt Cabana’s couch! I gotta get out of here. Then I literally ran to Virginia from Chicago. On second thought, I probably should’ve waited until this week because Indianapolis is a hell of a lot closer. But yeah, I got to be on Jimmy Kimmel and chase Sexy Green Lantern around Comicon, which was awesome. But at the end of the day, the WWE Champion was sleeping on old pizza on Colt Cabana’s couch. That was just unacceptable, even to me.

Triple H: Do you ever shut up?

Punk: Honestly, that would probably be a valid critique, but coming from you? Come on. You?!

HHH: Fair enough. But let me tell my side of the story, because I could care less if you were sleeping on cold Coronas or not. But I love money more. And those shirts are selling like gangbusters. I had to bring you back. Just like I brought back Dr. Barbecue Sauce and raised Johnny Nitro from the dead. Because I know everybody in this business and I love you all like my children.

Punk: Hunter, I really have to ask you, when you look at me, what do you think?

HHH: Are you…are you hitting on me?

Punk: Maaaaaaybe.

HHH: I think you’re basically me if I never worked out and just stayed at home crying all day.

Punk: Hunter, let me give you a list of names. Mick Foley. Maria. Shannon Moore. “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” Tatanka. Lemmy from Motorhead. You know what all these people have in common?

HHH: They all don’t like you?

Punk: No, they….wait…You don’t think Lemmy likes me?

Hunter shrugs.

Punk: No! Those are all people who work at the Taco Bell on 4th Street in New York. I say we go there next time we’re in town and order a whole crapload of tacos and then leave while they make them. But, more importantly than that, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, I happen to think that I am the savior of professional wrestling. Now, that may not be a modest aspiration, but my week away, surfing the internet, I’ve come to one solitary conclusion, the one that was mysteriously missing from my brain at the end of that promo two weeks ago.

HHH: Punk, you are somehow skinny and fat, but if you say another word, I’m going to cave your face in with a sledgehammer.

Punk: No you won’t. Hunter, you single-handedly destroyed the sport of professional wrestling. Almost ten years ago, you set us on a course that we’ve never been able to recover from. And everything that’s happened since then? None of it is right. You know it and I know it. And I’m going to do everything in my power to set this universe right again, or die trying.

Punk drops the microphone, while Hunter gnaws his beard.

Backstage, John Morrison kicks Rey Misterio into a wall accidentally. Dude, hasn’t he suffered enough?


The Bella Twins vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres vs. Gail Kim vs. Melina vs. Tamina vs. Rosa Mendes vs. Natalya vs. Kaitlyn vs. Alica Fox vs. AJ Lee
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Divas Title

If you’re wondering why Maryse isn’t in this match (and why would you be?), apparently she ate some bad beef jerky, and was no longer sexy. We mourn her loss. Kelly Kelly Kelly is on commentary, and is immediately 150% better than J.R., Lawler, or Michael Cole and all she says is, “What’s this thing do?” Get her and Stevie Ray their own show. Stat. Gail Kim and Melina are somehow eliminated before they get into the ring. I guess both their feet touched the ground? Gotta hover, ladies! AJ is also gone, and may not have been in this match in the first place. But I’ll still miss her.


Ads! During a women’s battle royal! I don’t know what Eve was talking about when she said the women’s division doesn’t get any respect. Only big time stars get commercial breaks during their matches! Alicia Fox’s hair extensions come to life and eliminate her. Kelly Kelly, on commentary, “Omigosh! I didn’t even realize this match was going on right now. Who’s winning?” What’s with all them yaks, Tony? See? Awesome. Booker T wishes he could be his brother on commentary. Stevie wishes he could be Booker for everything else. Beth Phoenix scares everybody out of the ring for the win. After the match, Kelly runs into the ring to congratulate Beth, and Beth eats her. Well gee. Talk about a buzz kill.


R-Truth: I am certainly not talking to imaginary people right now.

The Miz: I…know.

Truth: AH! YOU’RE REAL! What have you heard?

Miz: You told me about the 10,000 illegally downloaded Ron Killings mp3s you yourself seeded and then downloaded off BitTorrent. And where you keep your back-up house key-

Truth: Under the Undertaker lawn gnome!

Miz: -and your ATM code.

Truth: Nothing important?

Miz: Probably not. Can you go away? My girlfriend ate beef jerky, and I have to convince her that it didn’t make her ugly.

Truth: Oh! Beef jerky, huh? Did you know that beef jerky is actually made from 42% wild gopher? And that it caused the premature death of Skip Sheffield?

Miz: Truth, I don’t think-

Truth: It’s a conspiracy! Triple word score!

Miz: I hate playing Scrabble with you.


Backstage, again, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you, wasn’t that kind of a dick move last week? Taking advantage of poor Rey Misterio like that an stealing his WWE Babies Title?

John Cena: Yeah. Totally. It 100% completely was. I don’t get why everybody’s so surprised. I’m a dick to pretty much everybody who even thinks about being my friend around here. Don’t you remember my feud with Wade Barrett? The whole thing revolved around me screwing him over because he dared say something nice to me one time backstage. I ruined his career. I mean, yeah, sucks for Rey Misterio that he lost the title, but he was stupid enough to agree to a match against me he knew sure as hell that I was going to wipe the floor with him in. I mean, I’m John Cena, Josh. Look at me. What are the two things I do best?

Mathews: Be a jerk and no-sell everybody’s offense until you win.

Cena: Exactamundo. I mean, I guess I don’t know what else to say.

Mathews: That was a pretty stupid question. But at least I got to get out of the Divas Battle Royal while I wrote it!




R-Truth and The Miz vs. Rey Misterio and John Morrison

Poor Rey, from being WWE Babies Champion to tagging with John Morrison against R-Truth in less than a week. I would feel awful for him, but he makes, like, nine billion times more money than I do, so screw that guy. I get the feeling that Michael Cole is actually watching the Bachelorette finale right now, and is just randomly shouting out words vaguely related to wrestling and hoping he doesn’t get caught. It’s a method that has worked for Lawler for years.


Everybody is surprised, for some reason, that Miz does a lot of TV shows. You all realize that he’s basically been on TV his whole life, right? I would honestly be shocked if he didn’t do every talk show known to man. Morrison jumps at nobody in particular, and shockingly, just ends up landing on his face. Well, it’s nice to see the neck injury has made him more careful in the ring. To his “credit” Morrison does get back up and come firing back, but R-Truth just pokes him in the neck and pins him. Play Miz’ music for no real reason!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Triple H.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Triple H, and Hunter, I have to ask you, what’s going on with this title thing? You can’t seriously be giving it to Cena, right?

Triple H: Josh, you’re pretty and everything, but you leave the thinking stuff to me. I’ll get us out of this mess.

Mathews: Oh, yeeeeeah. I bet you’ve got this under wraps.

HHH: What was that?

Mathews: Uh, I have to go wax. My…everything.

HHH: Damn straight you do.


In the ring….

Dolph Ziggler: Remember when I was World Champion for, like, ten minutes? Well, I figure that gives me as much credibility as John Cena, so I’d like o formally ask Triple H to get onboard the Dolph Ziggler train. I mean, I even have the hottest new catchphrase in WWE! “Follow That!” I’m going to pull up random Twitters every week and tell you to follow them! It’s going to be a T-Shirt with one of those scanning things on there. I’m so hip to, like, the kids and whatnot! FOLLOW THAT!

Alex Riley: I don’t have anybody to feud with now that me and Miz are done. Can I feud with you?

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Who in the hell are you? You’re certainly not in the league of Dolph Ziggler! And that’s really, really not saying much.

Riley: Vickie, please? I just want to have one more feud! All these A-Ry T-shirts I had printed up aren’t going to sell themselves, you know.

Vickie: I still say no. I don’t even know who you are! Were you in the Spirit Squad or something?

Dolph: Hahahaha. No, that was me.

Riley: Quit hiding behind your girl and take on the full frontal assault of the Alex Riley Experience!

Dolph: Umm…No.

Vickie: You just got put in your place by Dolph Ziggler! You must be terrible!


Zack Ryder and Santino Marella vs. David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty

So is Punk still in charge of these guys? Hell, they seem to be fairing better on their own anyway, seeing as how they stole Justin Gabriel’s music. He’d better hide Kelly. Zack is crying less this week, and just looks shell shocked. Maybe that has something to do with Santino’s new gimmick which is…Animal ventriloquist? No wonder Vlad bailed on him. Feuding with JTG is better than whatever this is. Santino tries to get McGillicutty to listen to stock advice from his snake puppet, but meanwhile, Otunga picks up the win over Ryder, who did not perform a single move in this match. He just stared straight ahead and waited for somebody to hit their move. That’s Their Move!


Edge is trying his hand at acting now, apparently. You don’t need a neck for that, admittedly. Hopefully it goes better than that time he died in a Highlander movie.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with CM Punk.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with CM Punk, and Punk, this is my third interview segment tonight. I’m the hardest working man in show biz, how do you feel about that?

CM Punk: Sports Entertainment. Championship Title. Colt Cabana. You can hear me say these and other words on “CM Punk Says Words Aloud” my new Audio Book on tape coming out this October on Smackdown! Records.

Mathews: You didn’t answer my question.

Punk: Didn’t I, Josh? Didn’t I?


Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Evan Bourne

Jim Ross has no idea who Evan Bourne in there, but he sure does love his nickname. “Ladies and Gentlemen, Evanairbourne has picked up the Twisty Rockets!” Speaking of which, why didn’t we get a Crush Hour 2? That was the best game WWE’s ever put out. By, like, 100,000%. You can sort of tell Ricardo’s just happy to be out here again. Aw, we’re glad you didn’t get sent to the glue factory too, Ricardo. Del Rio with a Shining Wizard from the mat to the top rope, which is something you’d never see Sin Cara do. Just saying. Del Rio with an Arm Bar for the win, because Evanairbourne winning would be stupid. After the match, Kofi Johnston wanders out and bes Shelton for a while.


Here’s Hunter out to main event promo this like in olden times.

Triple H: Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve done this, eh? Ok, so here’s the thing. I accidentally might have told John Cena that the Babies Title was the number one title on RAW. I mean, it’s the coolest one. It shoots lights and plays songs. Nibblins loves it. But it turns out, I was wrong. And now I have a sticky situation on my hands. Oh! Did I just say that! Hahaha! SUCK I…Wait, am I supposed to be Mr. Corporate Guy all the time now? Ok. Sorry about that then.

Johnny Ace: Triple H, I just wanted to tell you what a great job you’re doing. I wouldn’t have hired Jim Ross back, but I hate Jim Ross. You made that decision, and that’s great. Wonderful job. A master stroke, if I do say so myself. Now, I have this great guy we should hire. He’s 300 lbs of pure muscle, and he actually has a medical condition where he can’t bend at his knees, but I once saw him almost lift one of his arms. That’s just like a clothesline! I don’t know about you, but I’m sold.

John Cena comes out smoking 200 cigarettes. He’s stealing R-Truth’s gimmick! What a jerk!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Triple H is the boss
He’s running Monday Nights,
Replacing Demon Girl
And booking all our fights!

He’s got Johnny Ace,
The original Dynamic Dude,
Gonna save the president,
By skating and being rude!

With Shane Douglas at his side,
WWE is on the rise,
Nobody will mess with Cancer Man,
And his sidekick the French Fries!

I got the Babies Title,
CM Punk got a fridge belt,
He only beat me for once,
The only loss he’s dealt!

So what if I never beat him,
He’s not even in my sphere,
I’m the REAL WWE Baby!

HHH: Wait a second. That actually is a really good point. CM Punk, like, beat you for the title. You don’t have any claim over being the top champion at all. You lost. Clean, no less. What the hell was I even thinking about? And that wasn’t really fair to Rey at all. I’m actually really glad Punk came back now.

CM Punk: Seriously. Are you just figuring this out now? The WWE Babies Title means absolutely nothing. It’s literally the stupidest thing in the world, unlike my…Spinnin…You know what? Shut up. Two friggin’ weeks in power and what have you done? Taken away Rey Misterio’s very first WWE Babies Title win and actually thought that John Cena deserved a WWE championship equal to mine even though I beat him clean at Money in the Bank. I mean, that makes me want to go throw up in a urinal.

Cena: Who does that?

HHH: I DO! You know what? I’m sick of you guys, and I’m sick of your stupid feud! Both those titles are meaningless because they’re not being held by Triple H. So you know what? I don’t care anymore. You can have a match at Summerfest, and the winner gets all the titles. All of them. I think I saw the European Title in my basement. I’ll bring that back and give it to the winner. I’m even pretty sure X-Pac has the WWF Lightheavyweight title still. One call and I’ve got that too.

Then everybody’s music plays all at once, and Cena and Punk take turns holding their respective titles aloft to the cheering adoration of the ten people who stayed all the way through Triple H’s promo there.

Next Week: The Summerfest main event is rendered moot when John Cena wins the WWE Spinnin’ Title on a house show. Triple H finds out that owning WWE isn’t all its cracked up to be when he has to negotiate international PPV contracts, and somehow winds up Pedigreeing the head of Nippon TV. Plus, the Divas have a two minute match, one if you don’t count the time Lawler and Cole spend arguing.


Tough Enough Jessie: Gentlemen, thanks to our mysterious benefactor, we’ve evaded capture by the Goon Squad, and are ready to strike. The Satireversary will never be the same again. He Who Shall Not Be Named will feel the full wrath of our glory, and we will set the universe right once and for all.

Tommy Dreamer: Do you ever wonder what life was supposed to be like for us? Like if…he had never broken the universe? I’d like to think that I became WWE Champion!

T.E. Jessie: Oh, Tommy….

Dreamer: What? Look what’s happened here! CM Punk and Dolph Ziggler? That can’t be right.

Michael Tarver: I don’t know. But I’d like to think that even in the real universe, I’m still best friends with John Cena. That guy really means a lot to me.

Dreamer: How long have you been wearing my clothes?

Tarver: All week.

Dreamer: So who is this mystery man anyway? Is it CM Punk? It’s Punk, isn’t it.

T.E. Jessie: Shhh! No. But Punk clearly has a role yet to play in this. Now, onto Summerfest! We have a cat to ’nap.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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