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Secret Ingredient: Future Endeavors

August 12, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Half the Locker Room got fired, so that Triple H could be the only Russian child of British Bulldog who has sex with John Morrison and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”. Also, CM Punk didn’t even want the WWE Babies Title, ok? Geez. And Rey Misterio can’t buy a break lately. Maybe his check will finally come through…TONIGHT!

No (Opening Credits). Screw you. Instead, here’s Triple H, who will not waste one second of valuable entrance time. There’s something incongruous about Motorhead and a guy in a suit. Sorry, Hunter, but there just is.

Triple H: Oh, man, you guys. That extra two seconds really made that entrance, I think. Anyway, Summerfest is fast approaching, like, this weekend or something, and I realized that I only booked, like, one match. That’s sort of my bad. I mean, how embarrassing is it that my first PPV as boss is our second biggest PPV of the year and nobody is fighting? But we’re just hoping that people want to see Randy Orton and Chris Tian for the 951st time, and John Cena and CM Punk. But even I know that’s not enough. This PPV needs something more. And since Kane died or whatever happened with him, I know exactly what the Summerfest main event needs. That’s right: ME! More Triple H in the main event! I’m going to referee or something. It’s going to be awesome. Stay tuned, I gotta go find a referee’s shirt that fits me.

John Cena comes out and he doesn’t seem too happy about all that, but he’s not so upset that he gets a mic or anything.


John Cena vs. Jack Swagger

This is Cena’s punishment? Beating Jack Swagger? I mean, the guy hasn’t won a match since 2008, even when he won the World Title, he didn’t win it in a match, he won it in a high stakes game of Don’t Break the Ice. The crowd is chanting for CM Punk, because chanting for Jack Swagger would just make everybody sad. In an effort to maximize his potential stupidity, Swagger successfully punches Cena, dances around the ring for an hour, and gets hit with the Attitude Adjustment.


Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with nobody.

Scott Stanford: Everybody buy my T-Shirt. Ok, I’m out of here.

Ricardo Rodriguez: Albertooooooooooooooo Del Riooooooooooooooooooooo!

Alberto Del Rio: Hey, guys! I just wanted to remind everybody that, even though I’ve been losing like Jack Swagger lately and there two whole champions right now, I’m pretty sure I’m still going to win the WWE Spinnin’ Title at some point. I’ve got this briefcase here. I don’t know what goes on with it-

Ricardo: I live in there sometimes!

Del Rio: -but I’m pretty sure one of these days I’m going to be able to exchange it for a brief, underwhelming title run. Or possibly a really, really nice car.

Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with R-Truth.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with R-Truth, and Truth, I have to ask you, what is the one thing you hate more than anything else. Here’s the difficulty though, you can’t say Little Jimmy.

R-Truth: Bigfoot, Josh.

Mathews: Bigfoot.

Truth: A giant hairy monster hanging out in the forest? Killing people? I’m always afraid he’s going to get me, Josh! I haven’t been able to even look at a tree in years! Have you seen him in those Jack’s Beef Jerky commercials?! He’s a MONSTER!

Mathews: Man, those aren’t-

Truth: And don’t get me started on Harry and the Hendersons!

Mathews: So…You’re not going to say John Morrison or something?

Truth: Nah. Man, I just feel sorry for John Morrison. That guy just leads a sad, awful life.


Rey Miste-

Whoops. Never mind. The Miz comes out to drive Rey’s head through the entrance ramp. Hasn’t he suffered enough? I mean, as bad as I feel for John Morrison, Rey finally wins the WWE Babies Title, only to have it stolen minutes later by John Cena. And then, even more insulting, the next week he doesn’t even care about that, and he agrees to a tag team match with…John Morrison. John Morrison! What was that, Team Bad Luck? Miz has the mic.

The Miz: Hoooooly crap. I was just on WWE.com, and there’s only, like, two matches booked for Summerfest. And I’m not in either of them! I mean, I don’t want to be a whiney complainer, but that’s at least 8 or 9 different kinds of stupid. You know, it’d be nice if we had somebody around here who would book matches or something. I don’t care if it’s a ten year old girl! I don’t care if she hates me! This is seriously stupid! And also, I don’t like being in a 7/11 Commercial where I have to put over Rock and Cena.

Kofi Johnston: Good news! Triple H just booked you in a match against me tonight!

Miz: This is not helping.


The Miz vs. Kofi Johnston

Miz is just laying into Kofi right now, and poor Kofi can’t do anything about it because he is Shelton. I wonder what the deal is lately with the upswing of horribly embittered faces. Not really helping matters is that this crowd is booing literally everything that happens. Kofi comes firing back and manages to hit Trouble in Paradise on WWE Time Keeper Mike Yeaton. Good! That guy is a jerk. That won’t help you win the match though, and sure enough, Kofi gets nailed with the Skull Crushing Finale when he rolls back into the ring. Well, thanks for coming out here tonight, Kofi!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with CM Punk.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with CM Punk, and Punk, I have to ask. Beth Phoenix? Really, man? How much longer can you resist the beauty that is Josh Mathews?

CM Punk: Listen Josh, just wait it out. Knowing my track record, it’ll happen eventually. In the meantime I’ll hook you up with Colt Cabana. So anyway, Triple H! In the main event at Summerfest while John Cena and I try to have a match around him. I wish I could say I was shocked by that. At all. But that’s kind of just his thing. So all I’m worried about right now is Alberto Del Rio. And by “worried about Alberto Del Rio” I mean, “I’m not at all worried about Alberto Del Rio.” Unless he cashes in his briefcase during the match and beats me. Because that would be hilarious.


Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. CM Punk

Michael Cole is still shocked, a month later, that CM Punk has fans. He just cannot fathom. Cole’s been doing the “Telling it like it is” gimmick since NXT Season 3, and all it got him was a feud with Jerry “” Lawler. Every time Alberto wears this white ring gear, I always get the uncomfortable feeling that he actually forgot his gear and is just in underwear out there. Which…I guess he is anyway. But still. Punk invested in some new gear too, which is nicely monochromatic to go with his new shirt. He’s a marketing machine that CM Punk. Del Rio loses in about twenty seconds, because he is neither CM Punk nor John Cena, and is therefore irrelevant.


Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres

Oh, WWE Women’s Division! You just keep plugging away! Sadly, nobody just rolls out of the ring and quits in this match. I don’t mean to be crass, but did Beth get implants, or what? Maybe CM Punk filled them with Pepsi or something. Wait…No. I don’t want to think about the unpleasant connotations there. Eve gets about five moves in (all of them punches) and the Beth snaps her in half for the win. It’s still better than whatever TNA is doing. Let’s hear from the winner.

Beth Phoenix: OBJECTION~! I’d like to enter into evidence that Eve Torres isn’t even a wrestler, and therefore-

And then Kelly Kelly Kelly nails Beth from behind with a Hello Kitty pillow. Beth is out cold! Half of Eve celebrates in the ring because she lost the match!


Oh, so they’ll show Miz and Cena at the Teen Choice Awards, but not Maryse awkwardly standing next to everyone? Maybe there really is a bias against the women!

Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley

Alex Riley to Vickie Guerrero before the match, “You have stinky breath! Poopy!” Oh, Alex Riley. That doesn’t even work for Cena! Then again, I can describe Alex Riley’s entire character as “…” so maybe this shouldn’t come as a shock to anybody. Dolph controls things for about ten seconds, but then Riley hits a Spinebuster, so Vickie slaps Riley for the DQ. Yeah, he may never have recovered from that devastating one move. After the match, Vickie quits and storms off. This marks the 30th Time Vickie and Dolph have broken up. That’s good for a coupon for a salad bar for two at Sizzler! Congratulations to the happy couple!


Remember how John Cena and CM Punk had that month-long feud that revitalized the business. Wait…that’s still going? Ugh.



R-Truth vs. John Morrison

Morrison starts backflipping basically on his way to the ring. Maybe somebody will remember that time he did that thing at the Royal Rumble. Honestly, though, everybody’s just having a good laugh at Melina’s expense right now. John Morrison is a just slightly richer man’s Matt Hardy. Which I guess makes Miz Jeff Hardy, but without as many drugs. And Melina is Lita, but without the ability to hit a halfway decent moonsault. And Batista is Edge, but without the crazy eyes, but with more quitting. I don’t even know where I was going with that, but somehow I feel a million times better having it down in print. R-Truth wins, because…well…Come on.

Backstage, Triple H gives Johnny Ace a throat lozenge.


Here is Chris Tian, remember him? Apparently they’re afraid that everybody else doesn’t!

Chris Tian: Yep. Still World Heavyweight Champion. Don’t believe it myself. Anyway, watch Smackdown why don’t you? Please? Pretty please?

And now back to our regularly scheduled ego stroking.

Triple H: You know, I loves me some contract signings so we-

CM Punk: Uggggh! Are you done yet? How many times are you going to jam yourself into a hot angle just to get yourself over. Haven’t you gotten tired of trying to destroy this company for the last decade? John Cena versus CM Punk sells itself! Ice cream bars sell themselves! All this is is an excuse for everybody to throw tables at each other!

Triple H: I’m putting myself in because I’m better than both of you! The only way this is going to sell Summerslam is if a cool start that people actually like is involved. People are sick of John Cena, and it’s sure as hell not going to be you. So what, am I supposed to leave it up to WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda? Heh. No. We need a top star. Where’s your movie Punk? I was in Blade 3!

Punk: The worst Blade! And I say that as a huge Parker Posey fan. But I don’t want to drag my career down in the toilet to associate myself with WWE Films. I’ll leave that up to real stars like John Cena and G-Rilla. Speaking of movie stars, here’s an actual movie star who was smart enough to bail on this place when the getting was good.

Hey, it’s The Rock’s face book video! Remember The Rock! He’s feuding with somebody or something!

The Rock: John Cena! I know I haven’t shown up in months, but I’m still proud of my WWE heritage! And I’m still coming for you! As soon as something opens up on my schedule! I can fit you in sometime in…December? Maybe. I dunno. Anyway, just to reiterate, here’s what I think about you. Fruity pebbles. Goo goo gaga! Cena sucks! Monkey anus! If you SMEEEELLLLLL-LA-LA-LA! What the Rock! Is cooking! Here on the beach. Which is where I’d rather be than in a WWE Ring.

Punk: More stirring words have never been spoken.

John Cena: What the hell is everybody dumping on me for all the sudden? I’ve done everything I could to drag this company kicking and screaming from the abyss, and what do I get? I turn on the internet and it’s all, “That guy only knows five moves!” “That guy is worse than Hogan!” “That guy is just a face because he sells lots of merchandise!” I mean…So what? I sell tons of merchandise. Five year olds love me. I don’t give a crap if Joey Smarks hates me. Joey Smarks didn’t pay for my brand new Lexus. His eight year old son who bought 800 pairs of John Cena sweat socks did. And what the hell does CM Punk have over me? Just because he looks like a swarthy hobo and talks about people’s personal lives suddenly he’s the top guy? I work my ass off for ten years and ice cream gets him over?

Punk: Heh. Life’s a bitch, John.

HHH: Hey, I mean…I like ice cream.

Punk: Don’t you take my side, prune face. Sitting over there in your suit with your main man Funkhouser. I hate you, Johnny Ace! Oh, what’s the matter? Banned from ever speaking again because you sound like you’re gargling Vince’s-


Punk: I know. I’m just mad that these two ice cream bars fired my three favorite wrestlers. I am of course talking about Vladamir Kozlov, who was hilarious in that tea party thing we did. What ever happened to that guy? And Harry Smith, who got shackled with the name David. No David is ever going to get over! You know that! And Chris Masters! How the hell is the Iron Chef commentary team going to eat now? You two are a couple of monsters, and I hope WWE dies so I can jump to Ring of Honor and actually make wrestling decent again by having matches with guys who are five feet tall and love rolling around on the mat all day every day! WOO!

Cena: What about Gail Kim and Melina?

Punk: Who?

Cena: You know-

Punk: No I don’t. And I don’t want you to act all self righteous, Cena. I mean I was ECW Champion. I know. That sucked. But I carried that brand just like you carried this one. Only I had Tommy Dreamer and Ezekiel Jackson to feud with. You, at least, have had guys people have heard of. So don’t give me this sob story!

Cena: Yahoo Seriously, Punk? If I wasn’t out here rapping every week there wouldn’t even have been an ECW.

Punk: Oh no!

Cena: You’re a real dick, you know that. I mean, I know I’m a huge jerk, but you, you sir take the cake. It’s almost as bad as…The Rock being in the GI Joe movie!

Punk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The first one was awful! How could they do that?!

Cena: Maybe he’ll be Serpentor. That was a good character! Thissss I command!

Punk: It’s awful! It makes me want to jump off the Titantron! Serpentor was the worst villain in the history of villainy! I want to punch you so hard for reminding me about that! But…you know what? I won’t punch you. Because I’ll always remember you as The Prototype! Way to be a robot, John. Mr. Charisma.

Punk and Cena go to flip the table at the same time, but both miss and fall over. Orton wins! Punk hops up and kicks Johnny Ace in the face. Just for the hell of it. Cena tries to defend the honor of WWE’s favorite rasper by punching Punk, but he’d already left, so Cena connects with Hunter instead. Still, they recover in time to stare meaningfully at nothing in particular. They’re two peas in a pod, Cena and Hunter.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Everybody is shocked, SHOCKED~! when the night ends and Triple H is somehow the WWE Spinnin’ Babies Champion. Rey Misterio and John Morrison lose matches, despite not being booked. Plus, Summerfest puts its mark on the WWE landscape when The Rock returns, raised his eyebrow, and then falls asleep.


Tough Enough Jessie: You said there’d be an army.

Mysterious Voice: Yeah…well…I didn’t have much to work with.

T.E. Jessie: This is even worse than the time I joined that OMEGA reunion. I can’t beat Triple H with this group!

Voice: Oh, you’d be surprised.

Tommy Dreamer: ECDUB! ECDUB! I just found where we keep the CheezIts! ECDUB!

Voice: Ok, maybe not too surprised.

T.E. Jessie: Ugh. Fine. Name?

David Hart Smith: Harry? Maybe?

Jessie: What’s your skill?

Smith: ….

T.E. Jessie: ….

Smith: …Skill?

T.E. Jessie: Yeah. What do you do? Backflips? Get hit by sticks? Staple yourself to things?

Smith: Oh, no, no. British Bulldog was my father.

T.E. Jessie: Whatever. You can be on Michael Tarver patrol. Find out where that guy goes off to. Next! Name?

Vladamir Kozlov: Vladamir Kozlov. U.S. Citizen! I am number one plankster!

T.E. Jessie: Any skills?

Kozlov: I love Double Double E!

T.E. Jessie: That’s…not really what we do here.

Kozlov: I hit people with head!

T.E. Jessie: Perfect. You do that.

Kozlov: Ok. I go find Santino now.

T.E. Jessie: Ne-

Schinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: With “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters out on the street, we’re here to beg for new jobs! What will happen here in Kitchen Stadium?!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I don’t even care about my job! I just want to get me some of that hot Gail Kim action!

Fukui: Oh thank God, you’ve finally moved on from cracking jokes about my mother.

Hatori: Are you kidding? I just need somebody to tide me over until your mom recovers from that hip surgery.

Fukui: Would you stop? Please?

Ohta: Fukui-San!

Fukui: Go ahead.

Ohta: Tough Enough Jessie wandered away while we were talking. I guess we’re out.

T.E. Jessie: Anybody else? Anybody?

Melina: I-

T.E. Jessie: NO! HELL NO!

Michael Tarver: Psst! Look what I found!

T.E. Jessie: AAAH! Dammit, Harry, you were supposed to tell me where he was!

Smith: Oh I said something, but nobody paid attention.

Tarver: Guys! Guys! I captured X-Pac. He was lurking around.

X-Pac: I wasn’t lurking. I was…looking. In the bushes.

T.E. Jessie: Tommy! Tie this maggot to the Tree of Woe! We’re going to beat some answers out of this little worm!

Pac: No! No Tree of Woe! I’m the reasonable one now! Haven’t you been following my blog? Or my YouTube Channel?

T.E. Jessie: Our IT guy quit. And I really want to hurt somebody. Somebody get me “Backdoor to Chyna!”



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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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