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RAW SATIRE    
John Cena: Loud Blathering Idiot, Once More

August 18, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: CM Punk won then lost the WWE Spinnin’ Babies Title when Kevin Nash showed up and stroked his long, luxurious hair until Alberto Del Rio rolled Punk up for the win. Also, Triple H is not a referee. And Kelly Kelly Kelly officially stole Melina’s “Most Dominate Diva” title. Maybe she’ll steal our hearts…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)
 


Here’s Hunter.

Triple H: Man, now I remember why I’m not a referee. Remembering all those rules and things is hard. No feet on the ropes, no chairs to the face, no steroids. There’s only so much I can write on the back of my hands, you guys! I kinda feel bad for how we treated WWE RAW Refereee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda now. But oh well, what’s done is done. Speaking of which, I don’t know anything about why Kevin Nash was here last night. He certainly isn’t working for me and taking out my enemies in any way shape or form. He definitely wasn’t there last night to debrief me on the disappearance of X-Pac. So let’s put those rumors to bed, ok? He’ll be here later tonight, where he better have good news on the location of…um…his morals. How dare he attack a guy like that? Anyway, speaking of guys, here’s WWE Spinnin’ Babies Champion, Alberto Del Rio!

Alberto Del Rio: Hahahaha! What did I tell you?! I said it was my Destiny to become WWE Champion, and look what I did! I gave away my briefcase and got the WWE Title instead! I’d like to thank Kevin Nash for deflecting the CM Punk angle away from me, so now I can run as WWE Champion basically unopposed until Royal Rumble at least! And then I might just win that again so I can take Wrestlemania off! All that for a lousy briefcase I wasn’t even using anyway!

Ricardo Rodriguez: I was living in there….

Del Rio: You can stay in one of my cars!

Ricardo: Really?!

Del Rio: Of course not! I don’t want your hair greasing up the seats.

Ricardo: Sigh…so what are we doing tonight, Alberto?

Del Rio: The same thing we do every night, Ricky! We’re beating up Rey Misterio! And if anybody wants to come say hello to me, I’ll be in the concession stands selling bootleg CM Punk T-Shirts!

(ads)

R-Truth vs. John Morrison
In a Falls Count Anywhere Match

A little video of Morrison plays during his intro. “I know I haven’t won a match since I came back, but I really think this is my night, you guys! Seriously, I’ve got a good feeling about this one!” Meanwhile, R-Truth has “What’s Up” back as his theme, buth with significantly less Bananarama in his pants. Sorry ladies. Or…guys? I don’t know who would be more excited to find Bananarama in R-Truth’s pants. J.R. helpfully points out that this match favors Morrison, because “he can’t win a match in the ring.” Oh! Maybe they’ll fight outside in the parking lot and Melina can help him!

(ads)

I do like that Truth’s new ring gear has tributes to “Little Jimmy” all over it. That’s dedication that we never got from the likes of Jon Hrrnrrnrr. They fight out into the crowd, because that’s the sort of thing that’s really been missing from PG WWE. The chance for little children to take shots at the heels as they wander through the crowd. Truth is tired of this nonsense, so he sits down and Morrison hits him with a Shining Wizard into a vat of feathers. Morrison wins! Morrison wins! Though that has to be the most comfortable loss ever.

Backstage, CM Punk is not drinking or getting high.

(ads)

Here’s The Miz. He’s come to play Othello, I think. I get to be black pieces! This just isn’t as charming without a weird old little person and John Morrison badly lipsynching to it.

The Miz: Let me cut to the chase! Jared from Subway! Your longstanding feud with the WWE Lockerroom is not forgotten! You think you could just get away? Well, like Santino Marella before me, I’m stealing this sandwich. Mmm! Delicious BMT! Try one today at Subway! In your…in your face, Jared. From Subway. Eat fresh.

A single tear rolls down Miz’s’z’s’’ face.

Backstage, Kevin Nash makes a heroic effort to get out of his limo. Once that fails, he just instructs the driver to “do a JBL.”

(ads)

Trace Adkins is lost, I think.

Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. The Bella Twins

I wonder if the Bellas realize they’re not in the new WWE game. Or would that be unfair to have every one of their matches be a handicap match. And how lazy is that? All you have to do is model one girl, copy her, and then slap on a crotch tattoo. Boom. Bella Twins. I will say that, while she isn’t the best wrestler in the world, Kelly might have the world’s greatest torso. Oddly enough, that was a rejected nickname for Shelton Benjamin. Eve gets the win with a Moonsault. Wait…what? Why was Eve even in this match? Afterwards, Beth Phoenix and Natalya come out in what I will generously call “dresses” and stare at Trace Adkins. They can smell fear, Trace.

(ads)

Kevin Nash has finally rolled on down to the ring.

Kevin Nash: Aaaaah. Whew. That’s a hell of a walk, what was that? Ten feet. Oh man. Anyway, yeah, if you don’t know, I’m Kevin Nash, the biggest star in Wrestling history. I’ve been World Champion, I destroyed WCW pretty much by myself. So yeah, I was in L.A. last night for Summerfest, just…um…checking on some things. Looking for my buddy X-Pac, you know. Haven’t heard from him since last week. Then, all the sudden I get a text message saying “beat up the winnar of main event lol! g2g” and I thought to myself, “Self, Scott doesn’t know how to use a cell phone, and X-Pac is missing, so this must have come from Triple H.” So I did what every other 50 year old with bad knees and no athletic ability would do. I hurdled a barricade and kicked a guy in the face. I don’t even know his name. Then some other guy came out and won the match, but I was too tired to kick him too. And I feel sort of bad about that, but hey, what can you do? That’s life.

CM Punk: That guy you kicked in the face was ME! And while nobody gets off from getting kicked in the face by legends more than me, you sort of cost me the WWE Spinnin’ Babies Title, and that’s sort of what I’ve been all about the past couple weeks. I mean, I’m not mad at Alberto Del Rio, that guy’s hilarious, but I am sort of mad at you. I mean you ruined the business once already, twice if you count coming back with the nWo a few years ago and basically doing nothing. Can’t you just leave us alone and let us fail in our own right?

Nash: Is this what passes for a wrestler these days? Holy crap. I mean, I thought the X Division was bad, but you know that was all “Hahaha TNA!” but this? Wow, man. Can you even lift a weight?

Punk: No, but I can talk to a weight until it rolls itself off a cliff. But you want to blame ending my career on a text message, that totally came from Triple H and not one of the ten billion other people who owns a cell phone. Well hey, I just got a text message from my sister Serita M Punk, lets see what she says, “whys that guys beard so different from the rest of his face? lol bbq!” And this one from my former associate Serena! “So drunk right now ahahaha!” So anybody can send a message about anything. For all you know, Jared from Subway sent that message!

Nash: Jared isn’t that smart! Anyway, nobody has my phone number except Hunter, Pac, who’s missing, and Hall. And Scotty can’t see well enough to text.

Punk: Ah yes! Scott Hall! I honestly, don’t even need to say anything else.

Nash: Hey! You outta be thanking us! All that guaranteed money you got? That’s thanks to me and Scotty taking WCW for all it was worth back in the day!

Punk: You guys took all the money! There’s none left for us!

Nash: Heh. Yeah.

Punk: I have half a mind to kick you in the face, right now.

The Police block Punk’s path to the ring.

Punk: Come on, man! After all he’s done to you?

Sting: I guess I’m just gullible.

Punk walks off in a huff. Sting goes in the ring to shake Nash’s hand, and Nash power bombs him.

(ads)

Backstage, Kevin Nash is standing by with Triple H’s Door.

Kevin Nash: Woah! Long time no see, man! What’ve you been up to?

Triple H’s Door: …..

Nash: Ah! A door of few words! That’s why you’re the champ.

Johnny Ace: Hey, Kevin, Hunter’s not in right now. He’s talking to CM Punk about a great Throat Lozenge sponsorship opportunity I worked for us.

Nash: That sounds weird. Who the hell are you again?

Ace: I have a great idea. Why don’t you come back to my “private office” in a “dark closet” so we can “have a meeting” about your “future in this industry.”

Nash: I have a better idea, why don’t you get the hell away from me and let me spend some time with my buddy the Door.

Ace: Ok. If you want though, my door is always open to you, Big Sexy. Always.

Nash: What a maroon, eh, Door?

HHH’s Door: Creeeeeeeak.

Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger

Dolph and Vickie are on commentary and screaming at each other on commentary which derails things pretty much immediately. Jerry “” Lawler breaks out his book of “101 Hilarious Fat Jokes.” Michael Cole is, I think, hitting on Vickie. And possibly Dolph. And J.R. just shuts down and starts mumbling barbecue sauce recipies under his breath, but not quite quiet enough to keep them off mic. Vickie steals Ross’ hat, and Dolph, exasperated, wonders if Vickie doesn’t have enough hats already. He doesn’t get up and go after her, he just sounds so defeated. Swagger wins after failing to hit his finisher something like eight times because Riley’s a fatass.

(ads)

Backstage….

Jack Swagger: Will you please be my manager? Now that I don’t have Michael Cole to leach heat off anymore, my career is back in the toilet.

Vickie Guerrero: Anything to get me more TV time!

Swagger: Uh…heh. I hope you count the Internet as TV!

Vickie: What was that?

Swagger: Nothing! I’m just a big dumb goofy guy!

Vickie: Yay!

Elsewhere….

CM Punk: What the hell are you doing here?

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: You have sex with all the girls in the locker room, and you’re the hottest thing in the business right now. Have you seen my boobs?

Punk: Oh my God, your voice does really sound like a hundred dying banshees! How do you do that?

Stephanie: Years of training. Does it turn you on?

Punk: N…Well…Kind of.

Stephanie: Well, then, my closet is always open.

Punk: I really need to learn my lesson.

Kofi Johnston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGillcutty

This isn’t for the titles, because nobody remembers that Otunga and McGillicutty are champions. Also because Kofi is Shelton. To their…um…I guess “credit” is too strong a word. Ok, so Otunga and McGillicutty raided Vlad’s closet after he got fired and stole all his ballin’ clothes. They’re straight planksta, now. I’d suggest JTG sue for gimmick infringement, but quite frankly, I don’t think JTG exists anymore. He was always just a figment of our imagination. Bourne with a backflip for the win. Michael Cole cannot say “Maryse.”

Backstage, Rey Misterio cries.

(ads)

Rey Misterio vs. Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)
For the WWE Spinnin’ Babies Title

Nobody is happier that Alberto mortgaged his house for a gaudy piece of jewelry than Ricardo. You look at his cherubic face, and you realize, that’s what the WWE Spinnin’ Babies title is all about. That and spinning babies. The crowd, seemingly suddenly realizing that they’re from San Diego, chants “619.” Rey attempts to set Alberto up for it, but ADR is just like, “It’s ten seconds into the match!” so he stands up and the crowd collectively frowns at him.

(ads)

Alberto has gotten bored and tried to pull Rey’s mask off. Hey, it’s just in time for the Mexico tour. Are they still mad that he’s wearing the mask after losing it in WCW? Probably not as mad as they’ll be when they find out that Sin Cara is actually from Connecticut. Rey sets up the 619 again, but Alberto is just sick of it and doesn’t even bother getting down onto the rope. He goes for the Armbar, but Rey rolls through it and gets a two count before WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton runs out of gas because they won’t let the referees do drugs any more. Rey finally hits the 619 to a huge pop because everybody knows those numbers, and goes up for a splash, but Alberto sees it coming from a mile away because he’s seen every Rey Misterio match for the past ten years, and grabs Rey in the Armbar on the way down! That’s His Move! Rey taps out, and Patton has no problem calling for the bell because that doesn’t take much effort.

Here’s…John Cena?

John Cena: You think you’re a champion? You’re nothing! I was proud to fight against CM Punk because he’s earned his championships, but you’re nothing but a loser who had a briefcase!

Alberto Del Rio: Do you even remember how Punk won his first WWE Title?

Cena: I don’t actually watch the show. It’s Hustle Loyalty Respect. Not Hustle Loyalty Watch Monday Night RAW. Speaking of which, I don’t respect you! You’re going to have to defend that title some day, you know!

Del Rio: Like…I just did?

Cena: And not only that! You beat a guy after he’d wrestled an epic thirty minute match! You took advantage of him!

Del Rio: Like you did to Rey?

Cena: PLAY MY MUSIC!

Next Week: Alberto Del Rio is going to be gone because he has to find a couch for Ricardo to sleep on. Plus, John Morrison gets back to his originally scheduled losing streak. And the announcers call a match. Just kidding, they don’t.




Elsewhere….

Tough Enough Jessie: TELL ME WHERE HE KEEPS THEM!

X-Pac: How the heck am I supposed to know? If I knew where the WWE contracts were don’t you think I’d have one by now? He keeps me away from them! I’m only helping him out because he used to be my bud. But I think you guys might be right. I think he is destroying our universe. I want to help you. I’ve been listening all week, and I’ve made my call. I’m with you.

He’s suddenly brained by a Singapore Cane.

T.E. Jessie: Tommy!

Tommy Dreamer: Got one! ECDub! ECDub!

Vladamir Kozlov: You do good job, Mr. Dreamer! Just like Santino!

Dreamer: Thanks, I guess?

Harry Smith: I forgot to follow Michael Tarver again. Sorry.

T.E. Jessie: I’d ask what good you were, but I don’t know if I want the answer.

Michael Tarver: Found another one.

T.E. Jessie: STOP DOING THAT!!

Tarver: Finding our enemies?

T.E. Jessie: NO! Lurking in the shadows.

Tarver: Well, I can’t exactly catch them standing in the sunlight. Now I have to go stalk Drew McIntyre. Bye!

Scott Hall: Hey, yo.

T.E. Jessie: Scott Hall?! You just wandered into our Fortress of Solitude? How…Brazen?

Hall: Is…is this my house?

Dreamer: Oh my God, did we accidentally move into Scott Hall’s House?

T.E. Jessie: No. No, this isn’t your house, Scott.

Hall: Hey….Hey yo.

Kozlov: You want I should punch him?

T.E. Jessie: No, just…let him go. Ugh.

Dreamer: You’re letting him go?!

X-Pac: You’re letting him go?!

T.E. Jessie: You know, I know I’m trying to topple Triple H’s evil empire here, but how can I be mad at that guy? He’s like a puppy! He doesn’t know what’s going on. Get out of here, Scott Hall. Shoo!

Hall: One more win…for the good guys!

Mysterious Voice: A mistake. I hope it’s not one that will cost you our ultimate goal.

T.E. Jessie: Ok, enough of this. Who the hell are you? I’m not listening to a mysterious voice anymore.

RAW General Manager Demon Girl: Oh. I thought you knew. I am the voice of the voiceless. Triple H wants to force me out of power? Well, I will help you force him out of our existence.

Dreamer: ECDub! ECDub!

Demon Girl: But there is much to still prepare for. I serve yet another. A Higher Power, if you will. In the end, he will be the arbiter of all our fates.

T.E. Jessie: If it’s Vince McMahon in a bathrobe, I’m killing you all.

Demon Girl: *giggle* An interesting conclusion. But no. In the meantime, I think I have somebody you want to meet.

Gail Kim: I hear you all are looking for WWE Contracts. Well it just so happens I’ve got one I want to unload.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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