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Conspiracies Everywhere

August 26, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Kevin Nash made his big WWE return by forgetting all his lines and being too lazy to leave. Itís just like he never left! Also, Iím pretty sure that Triple H doesnít even have a cellphone. And The Miz hates sandwiches. What other foods doesnít he like? Find outÖTONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Ricardo is in the ring. Yay, Ricardo!

Ricardo Rodriguez: Hereís that guy!

Alberto Del Rio: I-

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOO! YOOOOOOOO!

Alberto Del Rio,
Youíre wearing the belt?
The only thing you deserve,
Is a big red welt!

Sneaking in the ring,
Cuz you won Money in the Bank,
You stole the Babies Title,
Even though you stank!

CM Punk is the man!
Never a sneaky creep,
Youíre just a guy,
Who makes me fall asleep!

A new car every week,
Do you even know its name?
You took Ricardoís house!
You should be feeling shame!

So Iím invoking my rematch,
John Cena has no peer!
Iím gonna beat you down,

CM Punk: Still not you! Geez. Take some anger management classes or something, John! I mean, thanks for putting me over, I guess, but really nothing you ever say makes any sense anymore. I mean, Iím a sneaky creep too! I won two Money in the Banks, and cashed them both in on guys who were knocked out. And you did beat Rey after he had just wrestled a match, which is almost as bad as what ĎBerto here did-

Del Rio: Hey! I may wear a dress and spit eggs in my downtime, but I am NOT an asexual pink bird!

Ricardo: Youíre not?!

Punk: B-E-R-T-O! Anyway, Birdo here is in the right.


Punk: Cars donít have names, John. Donít be weird about this.

Cena: My cars have names.

Punk: Besides which, if anybody has a rematch clause to invoke, itís this guy right here. I mean who won that match at Summerslam? Oh right! Who won at Money in the Bank? Oh right! You wore a fake belt that you basically cheated to win for a couple weeks, and got your rematch at Summerfest. Youíre done. Is what I would be saying if I knew that wasnít a load of crap. Youíll be in every title match until the end of time, and Iím starting to wonder if Triple H and Kevin Nash and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley and Johnny Ace and Shannon Moore and everybody else is conspiring to keep me just popular enough to sell these stylish T-shirts but not able to actually do anything.

R-Truth: I tried to tell you! I told you but you didnít listen. CONSPIRACY~!

Del Rio: Does anybody care what I-

Cena: NO! This title feud is between me and Mr. M Punk!

Del Rio: Not the guy with the belt?

Cena: Nope.

Triple H: Guys, guys, guys! As the CEOOFO of WWE, Iíve got to come out here and get this sorted out. Alberto, youíve got a match next. Donít worry, itís really easy, but hopefully that shuts you up for a minute. As for all these rematch clauses, Iíve given up trying to figure out what I was going for with the two titles there. Technically Punk should get the rematch, but Iím pretty sure Cena is guaranteed at least five rematches per his contract, so you guys can just wrestle for it tonight. Winner gets a WWE title shot.

Punk: Typical!


Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. John Morrison

I just realized that I donít know the name of my car either! I feel sort of shamed by that. Not as shamed as John Morrison feels aboutÖpretty much everything right now though. Heís still got cool sunglasses, I guess. Michael Cole makes thing worse by declaring Morrison ďon a roll,Ē having won two matches since his comeback. Del Rio tries to put JoMo out of his misery quickly with an Arm Bar, but the guy is so greasy he just slips right out. Morrison does a backflip in agony, but misses the ground and starts floating.


Del Rio is poking at him coming out from the break, but Morrison is still defying gravity. I hope heís happy right now. What am I saying? Of course heís not. Heís John Morrison. Del Rio tries to get him to just quit, not even doing any moves at this point, but Morrison is just on autopilot, occasionally throwing a kick or missing a moonsault, his brain having officially shut down somewhere around a month ago. Finally Morrison misses Starship Pain (Thatís His Move!) but Del Rio no-sells it anyway and puts him in the Arm Bar. Morrison screams ďDo it! Break it!Ē but sadly, the bell is called for and Morrison will live to fight another day.

Backstage, Kelly hollas, and Eve says ďHo.Ē Well thatís not very nice.


Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Eve Torres (w/ Kelly Kelly Kelly)

I mean, Eve should just know how Kelly do. Get with the program, Eve Torres. In an interview from earlier tonight, Beth and Natalya ask that we donít treat them like women, donít treat them like men. Just treat them like who and what they are. Ladies with big jaws. Somewhere, Abe Orton is going nuts. And begging for change. Eve with the booty pop for the win. Kelly also hits a move on Brie, so play HER music instead! Sheís worse than John Cena with that crap. Natalya and Beth come out and clap, because Diva unity, you guys! Donít be a bully!

Backstage, Kevin Nash stares into a mirror, and sees only Michael P.S. Hayes.


Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler) vs. Alex Riley

Jack Swagger has a posse. Unfortunately, for him, I donít think they count. In fact, I donít think Dolph is even all that happy about being relegated to ďposse dutyĒ even though thatís what heís been doing for Vickie for quite a while now. Donít worry, Jerry ďĒ Lawler will be around to explain that joke to you all later. Swagger still canít hit his finisher, and unfortunately, heís not John Morrison, so this week that means he loses. Also, somewhere in there, Vickie fell over. Orton wins!


Want to see other people falling over? Check out WWE.com, where itís apparently a Falloverathon or something.

Hereís HHH!

Triple H: Hey guys! So, I talked to Kevin last week, Kevin Nash that is. I can call him ďKevin.Ē Anyway, heís really really sorry about what happened. He doesnít know who sent him the text message, but it wasnít me! I swear! These sausage fingers are too fat to text! So now he wants to come out and say hello to everybody, and I think thatís pretty cool.

Kevin Nash: Why donít I have music yet? Who am I R-Truth? Iím not saying sorry or hello to anybody! Iím Kevin frigging Nash. Big Sexy Daddy Cool Giant Killer Diesel!

HHH: Come on, man, the WWE Universe wants you to say hello! You donít have to put anybody over, just mumble a quick greeting and be on your way.

Nash: Canada blows, but at least Tim Hortons is half decent.

The crowd pops huge for that, because even in Canada they donít care for Canadians. Hereís CM Punk with the retort.

CM Punk: Kevin! Your beard is weird! Your facial hair canít keep you out of a rocking chair. And Hunter! Did you use a sledgehammer to type that text? Of course not! Everybody knows you canít spell! So maybe it was Stephanie! Her long, slender fingers stroking the phone until a message just squirted out and hit Kevin Nash.

HHH: I donít know whether or not I like what I think you may or may not be insinuating!

Punk: Well, basically the gist of what Iím getting at is that I donít really care who sent the text message, who raised the briefcase, or who drove the Hummer. Because at this point, Iím just going to kick olí No Knees in the balls and walk away from this cesspool.

Nash: Is he talking about me?! AM I OLD NO KNEES?!

HHH: Easy there, Big Knee-y! Everybody knows youíve got two knees. Heís just trying to get under your skin.

Punk: And you! Oh, Mr. Backne himself. I just want you to know that Iíve had sex with every girl in the locker room. Every. One.

HHH: But that would meanÖ! Look, Iím just going to calm down a bit, because I promised the Board of Directors that I wouldnít wrestle anymore, and this is coming dangerously close to being an angle where the only possible blow off is me having a match. Iím beyond that now. Iíve ascended to a higher plane of existence. One where-

Punk: You donít have any balls. Because of the steroids. Got it.

Nash with a punch out of nowhere, and then he bails as fast as he can, which still gives Punk about twenty minutes to catch up, but Punk is no-selling it anyway so he just kind of sits there and waits for olí No Knees to get out of there. HHH is none too happy about this latest development, because heís suddenly realized that heís become friends with Michael Hayes.



Triple H: Iím just saying three different colors of hair is not normal! And that mustache, what is with that?

Kevin Nash: Ugh. I screwed up with my razor a little bit. And I think my beard being like this makes me look refined.

HHH: As in processed through a refinery? Because it looks like we could lower the price of oil by ringing it out a bit. And itís not just the hair. Itís the whole outfit. Whatís up with that Hawaiian shirt? Are you going to a luau later?


HHH: Oh, you donít mean that.

Nash: No. I do mean that. Iím out of here. I hope They take you out. I donít know what Their plan is, but I hope They succeed and destroy you. Insult my beard and clothes will you. Iím done.

Nash slowly crawls away.

Kofi Johnston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

McGillicutty is balliní more than MVP ever was. Kofi, in his new powder blue ring gear, is more Shelton than ever. Seriously, when the hell did he buy that? Itís weird. I have nothing to say about Evan or Otunga. Sorry. Jerry ďĒ Lawler has plenty to say though, channeling Michael Cole and complaining to everybody that will listen that Mike and David are boring. Thankfully, nobodyís listened to anything Jerryís said since 1998. McGillicutty yells at Lawler, but Jerry is too busy getting scolded by J.R. Unfortunately for the champs, Shelton was great at winning tag titles, and Kofi and Evan win the tag titles.


Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Kofi and Evan.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and Iím standing by with these two. And guys, I donít really care about the Tag Team Titles, so do you care if I bail?

Kofi Johnston: Not at all.

Out of nowhere are Derrick Bateman and Titus OíNeal with a bottle of champagne.

Derrick Bateman: Here. Weíve been saving this for the winner of NXT, but thatís never going to happen. Way to win some belts, you guys.

Titus OíNeal: Bark bark bark.

Evan Bourne: Whereís Darren Young, anyway?

OíNeal: Who the hell cares?

Aksana: Are you needing manager? I have green card!

In the background, Zack Ryder and Drew McIntyre scowl.


Johnny Ace: Hunter, I need a truckload of honey to sooth my throat, but it canít get through traffic. Apparently, thereís been an accident. A wrestler ran off the highway.

Triple H: A wrestler?! Oh God, did Kevin just leave?

Ace: Oh, I think so. You donít think it was him do you? Why would he be in such a hurry to leave?

HHH: Kevin! Oh, God! I killed Kevin Nash! Johnny, can you watch the show for a while? I have to go help him!

Ace: Oh, suuuuure. If you see any honey trucks let them know Iím still waiting.

Hunter waddles off as fast as he can.


Santino Marella vs.-

Poor Santino doesnít even make it off the ramp, because heís waylaid by R-Truth and The Miz. They both grab mics.

R-Truth: Oh donít tell me you donít all see whatís been happening to CM Punk earlier. And whatís just happened to Kevin Nash right now. You donít think thereís a conspiracy? Oh, thereís a conspiracy alright! A conspiracy to hold me down with spiders! They took the Bananarama out of my pants, and now I canít main event any PPVs! And something sort of similar happened to Miz too!

The Miz: Yeah! I canít believe they made me come out here and talk to Jared! Everybody knows that The Miz is a Quiznos guy!

Truth: That doesnít sound so bad.

Miz: It does if you remember that this time last year I was main eventing PPVs. Now I canít even buy a feud against an actual wrestler.

Truth: Well that does it! Now weíre a tag team!

Miz: Yeah! Now weÖwait, I never agreed to that!

Truth: Now Iím going to rap about things that rhyme with team!

Iím too extreme
I like sun beams,
I shoot a trireme,
My pants got a seam,

Like a crazy dream-

Miz: You suck.

Truth: Yeah! There you go!

You Suck!
You Suck!


CM Punk vs. John Cena
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Spinniní Babies Title

Johnny Ace and Alberto Del Rio are sitting at ringside playing tiddlywinks and not really paying attention to whatís going on in the ring. I wonder how long Alberto took before sitting down to make sure that his scarf was playfully splashed across his shoulders like that. That takes some planning. The crowd is chanting ďLetís Go Oilers!Ē Where were all Nashís fans earlier tonight? Do they only show up halfway through the show like he does? How dedicated! I wonder if they know about his terrible accident that totally just happened right now. Punk can totally see Cena.


Punk goes for a Savage Elbowdrop, but if Punk isnít going to sell for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, then heís sure as hell not going to sell for a dead guyís finisher. Then he locks in the Crossface. Oh, John Cena. You are a mystery wrapped in a jellybean. Punk eventually gets tired of it and knees Cena right in the damn face. Well, thatís one way to do it. Cena is down, and Punk gets him up for the GTS. But then, no music hits, and you know what that means! THE GHOST OF KEVIN NASH!

Kevin Nash: Hey! Hey! Look at me! Iím not a ghost! Iím standing on the top of the ramp!

Punk, of course, looks, and Cena grabs him into an AA for the win. What a dastardly coward that Cena is using a distraction to get the win! But before he can celebrate with some APPLEDOUGH, Alberdough rolls into the ring and starts wailing on him with scarf-assisted punches. Oh, heís going to ruin the stitching! Cenaís not worth it, Alberto! Johnny Ace makes a lame attempt to try to stop the beat down, but heís not a dynamic enough dude to stop Alberto Del Rio from accomplishing his destiny of beating down John Cena during a worthless RAW overrun.

Next Week: Kevin Nash actually does die on his way to his home planet. CM Punk tries to join the R-Miz stable, but heís denied until he feuds with a low level fast food mascot (look out Mayor McCheese!). And Kofi Johnston and Evan Bourne continue the epic legacy of the WWE Tag Team titles by losing to the Usos on Internet Superstars.


Triple H: Oh God! Kevin! Kevin?! Are you ok?!

Matt Hardy: Mfmglpg.

HHH: Matt Hardy?! Youíre not Kevin Nash. Get out of here.

Hardy: IímÖtrappedÖinÖthisÖcar. Help! This tree didnít cleanse me as much as I thought.

HHH: Ugh. I canít believe I drove all the way out here for this.

Tough Enough Jessie: Hello, Hunter.

HHH: You! You dare show yourself?

T.E. Jessie: You donít have any help. My people are watching right now.

HHH: Yeah right.

Michael Tarver: Nah, sheís not kidding.

HHH: AH! An olden times bandit! Where the hell did you come from?!

T.E. Jessie: Youíre lucky, Hunter. Itís not your time yet. But the hour of twilight is approaching. Consider this a warning. Your actions have destroyed the WWE Universe, and we will not stop until you have come to justice.

HHH: A lot of talk. Iím out of here. Youíll never stop me, crybaby. Iím bigger than this. Iím bigger than WWE.

Hunter leaves.

Hardy: Jessie! Can you help me?

T.E. Jessie: Matt?! What the hell are you doing here?

Hardy: Enlightening myself by hitting trees across the country.

T.E. Jessie: That soundsÖstupid.

Hardy: LetísÖrestartÖOMEGA!

Michael Tarver kicks him in the face.

T.E. Jessie: Michael!

Tarver: Aw, come on. I havenít gotten to kick anybody in forever!


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