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RAW SATIRE    
Alberto del Rio: Foe to Midcarders Everywhere

September 9, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Kevin Nash was ruled kneeless and ineligible for a PPV Match. The Smackdown Roster showed up, but I didnít know who any of them. And Alberto Del Rio knew better than to show up at all. Maybe heíll stay awayÖTONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

 


Hereís CM Punk, so at least we still know who the show is about.

CM Punk: Oh man, you guys! I totally thought I was going to be facing Kevin Nash, but then NOT SO SHOCKING SWERVE~! he wasnít even cleared for competition! And since WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman is working at a hotel now, we didnít have a doctor that could tell us that he had no knees. Plus, he had Gail Kimís WWE contract, which Iím pretty sure is a violation of something. So now I have to fight Triple H. And while it would be awesome to kick his stupid nose off his face, I canít shake this sinking feeling that heís just going to show up all PEDIGREE TO CM PUNK~! and end my career. And I was kind of actually enjoying it for once!

Kevin Nash: Punk! Punk! I have seen the light. Or, rather, the darkness.

Punk: It was in your beard this whole time!

Nash: No! Seriously. X-Pac and the voices were right! Hunter has to be stopped.

Punk: Voices? You going crazy there, oldster? I mean, I know youíve probably got a couple billion characters in that brain of yours, which one is finally talking some sense to you? Vinnie Vegas? Oz? Please tell me itís Super Shredder!

Nash: No! Super Shredder is telling me to knock down piers! Or perhaps peers. Heís not clear on that. But-

Punk: God, remember when you were cool? You beat Bob Backlund in, like, ten seconds, had one good match and that was the beginning of the end. What ever happened to those days? Oh yeah, those days were, like, 20 years ago.

Nash: WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?! Weíre on the same side here! I want to end Hunterís insane power grab just as much as you. Thereís a whole group of us out there. La Resistance! They have punch and pie and everything. All you need to do is find Tough-

Triple H: Thatís enough out of you! Kev, I love you, but if I have to put a Pedigree in your head, you better know damn well that I will. Youíre out here talking crazy talkk. Well, I got some crazy talk for you. Everybody was wondering who sent you that text message that said to attack CM Punk. Well, I got some security footage from GTV, which has apparently been running all these years, even though nobody has ever said anything-

Goldust: I have decades of footage saved on VHS Tapes! Gotta show something on the WWE Network when we run out of John Cena clip shows!

HHH: And it does indeed show somebody using my cell phone at the time you got that text. YOU!

Nash: What?

Punk: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

HHH: Thatís right! It was you! It was you all along! You were the one who wanted to attack John Cena or CM Punk! So you secretly sent a text message to yourself, telling yourself to do just that! Then you sat back and waited for your command, and then did exactly as you asked yourself to do!

Punk: EvenÖeven I donít think that holds water.

Nash: Iím pretty sure-

HHH: Iím pretty sure youíre a crappy friend! The WWE Universe isnít big enough for the two of you, Kevin. And if you think youíre going to come out here and destroy me and my WWE? ThenÖYOUíRRRRE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

Punk: ďYouíre Fired?Ē Itís been said before, but not by you.

HHH: You think Iím becoming Vince? You think Iím becoming Vince? Thereís no chance in HELL of that happening!

Nash: Hunter. Iím sorry. Letís just talk about it. Come on. Iíll tell you everything. Youíre my friend!

HHH: NO! Youíre not my friend! Youíre Shawnís friend! I never liked you!

Hunter decks Nash. Nash stood up and wanders off, trembling. HHH turns to address Punk, but heís riding a Raven backstage.

Raven: I really need to find a day job.

(ads)

Backstage, Kevin Nash loads himself into a hearse. In a dark corner, Johnny Ace watches him go.

Jinder Mahal and The Great Khali vs. Air Boom

I already miss Indian Eric Bischoff. Jinder Mahal appears to be a Bollywood sensation, so thatís nice. His story is that he married Khaliís sister (The Great Kelly, not to be confused with Kelly Kelly Kelly) and is using their sexual relations to convince Khali to appear in ďmatchesĒ instead of ďrandom appearances whenever WWE needs a tall guy. As you might imagine, this has caused Khali great mental distress. Kofi Johnston is caused great mental distress just by being so Shelton that itís painful. Bourne doesnít suffer from any of these issues, so he hits the Shooting Star Press on Jinder for the win.

Backstage, Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez are pulling up to the arena. Oh, man! Late! You guys better run to the time clock! Johnny Ace watches from the shadows. Dude, youíre not good at that, and itís getting kind of creepy. Stop.

(ads)

Eve Torres vs. Beth Phoenix
For the Number 1 Contendership to the WWE Divas Title

Kelly Kelly Kelly is on commentary tonight, and is 100x better than Lawler and Cole. Can we just make the team her and J.R.? Plus I really like what sheís done with her hair tonight. Natalya is also on commentary and does not seem particularly enthusiastic about talking on TV. Thatís how you can tell how sheís one of the Harts. Eve tries to do her little flippy move, but this isnít TNA or whatever (despite what that last match would you have you believe) so Beth just punches her in the face for the win. Kelly is either concerned for Eveís wellbeing or totally going to pick her pocket, but we never find out which because Nattie punches her in the back of the head. Well then.

(ads)

BackstageÖ.

Drew McIntyre: Sucks that you lost the World Title match.

Chris Tian: AH! Where the hell did you come from!?

Drew: Scotland. Anyway, I havenít had a match on TV in about five months, and I was just thinking that if you werenít doing anything to-

Alberto Del Rio: Gentlemen! How is it going! Drew McIntyre, you arenít good enough to be in this segment, you can leave.

Tian: He hasnít been standing here for a while.

Del Rio: Weird! So, Christian, I was just wondering if you wanted to attack John Cena for me! That sounds like something you would do!

Tian: And get beat up?! Are you stupid? Iíve learned my lesson. Iím just going to sit back and wait until Orton and Cena inevitably get hurt again. Then itís Christian Time!

Ricardo Rodriguez: *sigh* When will it be Ricardo time?

Del Rio: Never! Now Mr. Tian, I wouldnít just ask you to go get beat up for nothing! I have a plan!

Tian: What plan is that?

Del Rio: Ricardo, whatís my plan?

Ricardo: To get a couple other guys together? Then we all jump Cena at once and hope that everybody remembers that the whole lockerroom hates John Cena?

Tian: Brilliant! Iím in!

Del Rio: Really? HahaÖok! Great!

(ads)

Hereís R-Truth. Maybe heíll set us all free.

R-Truth: Thereís a lot of conspiracies happening around here! The spiders conspiracying with the Usos to keep Bananarama out of my pants! CM Punk conspiring with Kevin Nash and Triple H to use up all the TV time before I come out here. Little Jimmys conspiring to get me a hot sandwich whenever I want it and wherever I want it!

Miz is out now too, and heísÖdressed as a 1970s businessman. Well, thereís a gimmick.

The Miz: Truth, youíve got to help me out, man. Iíve got a dozen vacuums here, and Iíve just got to sell them or my family will go hungry! Maryse is eating her own shoes as we speak! Please can we be faces for one night?

Truth: Nah, dawg, I donít do that anymore.

Miz: Wait! I just had an epiphany!

Truth: Man, even I know the Epiphany happens in January.

Miz: No, An epiphany.

Truth: A sudden, intuitive perception of the reality or meaning of something, usually initiated by a simple occurance?! Do tell!

Miz: I bet Kofi Johnston and Evan Bourne are really messy eaters! I could probably sell them all kinds of vacuums!

Truth: I just farted a little.

Miz: Because youíre so excited that Iíll finally be able to make ends meet?

Truth: No, because I ate a whole can of beans before I came out here.

(ads)

R-Truth (w/ The Miz) vs. CM Punk

Man, donít you just hate whent hat happens? Miz, apparently, has his own Fantasy Football show, where he will no doubt tell me why itís a great idea to draft Peyton Manning because The Miz doesnít know anything about fantasy football. But I guess we need to come up with some way to waste all the time on the new WWE Network. By the way, if I donít get a show on WWE Network, itís a travesty of justice. I know that may sound a little egotistical of me, but can a girl get a salad here? Miz tries to get involved in the match, but his suit is so stiff he canít raise his arms. Punk with a GTS for the win. HHH has more time to waste apparently, because heís back out with a mic.

Triple H: AAAAaAA! Iíve gone mad with power! If I beat you at WWE RAW Presents Smackdown Presents NXT Presents WWE Night of Champions then youíre getting fired! No more CM Punk! No more ďCult of Personality!Ē Your momentum has stalled! Vince was right! Weíre better off with you just bitching about us on Twitter and staying home!

CM Punk: What if you lose?

HHH: Hahahahahahahahaha! Did you guys hear this guy? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Punk: No. Seriously!

HHH: Ok, Iíll humor you. If, by some weird coincidence, I blow out my quads again, and you somehow manage to pin me in the five seconds that Iíd be incapacitated by said injury, then Iíll quit. Itís never going to frigginí happen, though, man. Hahahahaha.

Punk: And I want your family!

HHH: Done!

Punk: Really? Just like-

HHH: No takesies backsies!

And Hunter shuffles off as fast as he can, giggling. ElsewhereÖ.

Tyler Recks: Yeah, the paychecks just keep clearing. I donít understand it either. But itís paid for, like, two years worth of the nattiest dreads a white guy could possibly grow.

Curt Hawkins: Itís pretty awesome, man. Itís the most lucrative nap Iíve ever taken. And every time they show a clip of me getting beat by a dudeís finisher on the Titan Tron? I get five dollars. Now, think of how many dudes have beaten me. And those matches constituted maybe ten minutes work combined? John Cena hitting me with the AA alone has put five future kids of mine through college.

Wade Barrett: Damn! I wish I wouldnít be used on TV. I should never have made that ďWinds of ChangeĒ speech.

Hawkins: Yep. Shouldíve just called Daniel Bryan a dork or talked about Darren Youngís mamma or something.

Del Rio: Excuse me, gentlemen! I need to talk to Wade for a second!

Tyler Recks and Curt Hawkins leave, never to be seen again.

Barrett: Ö.

Del Rio: Ö.

Ricardo Rodriguez: Ö.

Barrett: You needed something?

Del Rio: Nah. I just like interrupting these dorks when they try to get themselves over.

(ads)

David Otunga and Balliní Michael McGillicutty vs. Jerry ďĒ Lawler and Zack Ryder

Zack successfully avoids detection by Del Rio by having a match instead of randomly talking to somebody backstage. He also gets a hilariously long video package about how WWE never gives him TV time. Iím not sure whoís being a bigger jerk to the other one anymore. Then again, Zack has looked really drawn out and depressed the past few weeks for some reason, so Iím willing ot give him the benefit of the doubt here. Lawler is all hugs and smiles as he tags Ryder in for an easy pinfall on McGillicutty who couldnít overcome the awesome powers of an old man. Zack wins, but he doesnít look too happy about it.

BackstageÖ.

Alberto Del Rio: Dolph! Howís it going, my man?

Dolph Ziggler: Not too bad, Alberto! You still interrupting stupid midcarders so they donít get any TV time?

Del Rio: Itís all Iím doing tonight!

Dolph: Hillarious, bro! So, who are you interrupting now? Haha!

Del Rio: Ö.

Dolph: Ö.

Ricardo: Ö.

Dolph: HEY!

The Bella Twins: Who wants to have sex?!

Ricardo: I do! I do!

Bellas: Ok!

Ricardo: Itís finally Ricardo time!

Elsewhere, Randy Orton is sort of jealous of Ricardo.

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater

Hahahahaha! Oh, man, Heath Slater is still alive? Wow. Howíd that slip through everybodyís notice? And whereís Alberto Del Rio when you need him? The entire match consists of Slater jumping, spinning, ducking, dodging, dudking, backflipping, and selling while Orton sits in the middle of the ring and smiles and licks his cheeks. Finally, Heath is all tuckered out and he falls over. Orton wins! Well, thatís certainly a worthwhile use of the ďSuper ShowĒ concept.

Backstage, Zack Ryder bawls softly into John Cenaís shoulder, while Cena steals all the Zack Ryder merchandise he can get his hands on. Thatíll be worth something on eBay someday! (Or not!)

(ads)

You know what makes a great Labor Dabor desert? APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: Alberto Del Rio? Youíre a fat pig with no morals and you donít deserve any WWE Titles, much less a Spinniní Babies title. So why donít you stop trying to get midcarders off TV and come out here so we can waste the rest of the show with a giant promo!

Alberto Del Rio: Youíd like that, wouldnít you? But no! You see, I have at least one Bella Twin I have to steal away from Ricardo backstage right now, but I just came up with an awesome name for a new stable, ďThe RAW Rudos!Ē And these guys thought it was so awesome too, that they decided to join right on in!

Wade Barrett, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, and Chris Tian all run out wearing lucha masks and start beating down Cena, who no-sells them all in true Lucha Libre fashion. He is joined shortly by Sheamus, John Morrison, and Alex Riley(?!) who are dressed as Vilanos III, VII, and XI respectively.

Teddy Long: I guess thereís a power vacuum on RAW what with the mysterious disappearance of the RAW General Manager. So Iím moviní in, Playa! I run all the shows! Iím bigger than Triple H! Hollah Hollah! Also there will be a match.

(ads)

Wade Barrett, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, and Chris Tian vs. Alex Riley, Sheamus, John Morrison, and John Cena
In an Elimination Match

Couldnít wait for Survivor Series, eh? And itís nice to see that somebody forgot that Alex Riley is not a main event talent and cannot carry any segments of any matches. He doesnít even have that totally awesome varsity jacket anymore. How will he take over Sweet Valley High now?! John Morrison is eliminated before he even tags into the match. That guy has not had a particularily good year. Iím just saying. It could be better. Vickie Guerrero comes out, most likely trying to figure out how she can sign main event superstar Alex Riley to be in her stable.

(ads)

Everybodyís still viable, so I wonder how that feels, eh, Morrison? Both Swagger and Riley are more important than you! I say that now, but Riley totally taps about ten seconds later to Swaggerís ankle lock. Talk about the bleeeeah beating the bleeeeah. Sheamus finally tags in. Bicycle Kicks for everyone! Theyíre the Finishers of Champions~! Wade gets his head caved in again, and thatís enough for the win. Sheamus, seizing this extra TV Time this week to start a feud that doesnít involve any stank, drags Chris Tian out of the ring, up the ramp, and far, far away from Mark Henry. John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger! What can go wrong?!

Nothing. Nothing can go wrong. Cena pins them both ten seconds later after a Five Knuckle Shuffle, even though they were both standing outside the ring at the time. John Cena was the sole suvivor! What a SHOCKING SWERVE~! Del Rio tries to take advantage of Cena feeling no ill effects from just having to beat two WWE Superstars, but shockingly Cena just picks him up and hits an Attitude Adjustment. Del Rio rolls out of the ring in shame, and Cena is about to go after him, but heís stopped in his tracks by WWE RAW Referee Nunzio, who will not take any of John Cenaís crap. To his credit, John checks himself before he Tyler Recks himself.

Next Week: John Cena totally beats the crap out of Heath Slater. In your face Alberto Del Rio, Randy Orton, and possibly Heath Slater. CM Punk and Triple H argue about whether or not Nibblins is considered ďFamily.Ē And Ricardo Rodriguez appeases the growing tension in the Divas Lockerroom with so many kisses.



Elsewhere, at a dessert place.

Tough Enough Jessie:

When shall we meet again,
Iíd like to be done as fast as we can.

Tommy Dreamer:

As soon as the sun sets in the northern skies,
Or as soon as I eat eleven pies.

Michael Tarver:

I donít get why weíre talking like this!

T.E. Jessie:

AH! Donít do that you idiot! Weíre doing this for dramatic effect.

Dreamer:

Iíll take raspberry, banana cream, and Heath!

Tarver:

Tommy, try to catch your breath.

T.E. Jessie:

Michael, that doesnít really rhyme.

Tarver:

Sorry, donítÖhaveÖtime?

Dreamer:

Anon!

All:

We come that Triple H may die,
As soon as Tommy eats his pie!

Vladamir Kozlov: This is good rhyme! Nothing rhymes in Russian!

Harry Smith: Remind me again why I hooked up with you guys?

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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