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RAW SATIRE    
The Massing Hints...

September 16, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Alberto Del Rio interrupted just about every person he could get away with. Also, CM Punk got Kevin Nash fired faster than anybody in WWE history, proving that he truly is the biggest star. And Zack Ryder finally got his second big match on RAW, what’s the line on him not even making an appearance…TONIGHT?!

Screw (Opening Credits) let’s get right to Alberto Del Rio!

 
Alberto Del Rio: Hey! Canada! You guys are the only ones not watching Monday Night Football right now, so we can do anything we want tonight! I just wish Rey Misterio was still alive so that I could beat him up for an hour! It’s going to be one of those kinds of nights. And, hey, I’m really sorry I retired Edge. I didn’t realize that he was that fragile!
 


Here’s Bret Hart!

Bret Hart: Would you guys keep it down? I live next door to this arena, and your incessant prattling keeps waking me up!

Del Rio: Sorrrry, Mr. Hart.

Hart: Damn right you are. Hey, that’s a nice belt! You some kind of World Champion?

Del Rio: Spinnin’ Babies Champion, actually.

Hart: What the…you know what? I don’t want to know. I just like how it shines in the light. I used to have a belt like that, you know? Not that gaudy or stupid looking, but I used to have a belt. I loved that belt. I wore it wherever I went. It was mine. My own. My precious!

Del Rio: Hey, why don’t you take your eyes off my crotch area, Hitman! Go get out of your 1980s wrestling gear like you’re not some old weird cripple that everybody takes pity on and get a real job. Like a hobo. Or a pool boy. I’m hiring old weird pool boys right now!

Ricardo Rodriguez: Aw, Grandpa is going to be so disappointed!

Hey…hey! Psst! You…APPLEDOUGH!

John Cena: This show has gone on LONG ENOUGH! LONG ENOUGH without an appearance by John Cena! And while you want to pick a fight with this incredibly lifelike wax statue of Bret Hart-

Hart: John, it’s me!

Cena: -Ah…haha…Ew. Anyway, I’m going to give you one chance to get out of this ring Alberto, because if you and Eddie Munster don’t leave right this second I’m going to be forced to beat you both down for no reason! Because that’s what I do! I NAME CARS AND BEAT UP INNOCENT PEOPLE LIKE A JERK!

Del Rio: ENOUGH! I’m tired of your antics. Nobody likes you and you look like Mark Wahlberg’s cousin who has had one too many concussions.

Hart: Donnie?

Del Rio: I’ve had enough. Tonight, you’re getting the crap kicked out of you. And I have just the man for the job. Ricardo Rodriguez!

Ricardo Rodriguez: YES! It’s Ricardo Time!

Cena: Really? You want to fight me?

Ricardo: I’ve spent years training in FCW for this one moment!

Cena: Well, in the words of totally relevant pop culture icon Judge Mills Lane, “Let’s Not Have a Stroke!”

Hart: Amen to that, Miles. Amen to that.

Johnny Ace: You know who hasn’t been on TV yet tonight? That’s right! Johnny Ace! And even though last week, Triple H expressly told me that I could not book any more matches, tonight, I’m booking Ricardo Rodriguez and Alberto Del Rio versus John Cena and the “Hart Man” Bret Hart, even though only two of those people are active competitors.

Cena: Well, as totally relevant pop culture icon Jean Claude Van Damme once said, “I’m the Fred Astaire of karate!” Hiyaaaa!

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All Right!

(ads)

John Morrison and Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

I’m absolutely flabbergasted every time I realize that John Morrison and Alex Riley still even work here. Hell, they were in the main event last week and I still pretty much had no idea they’d be back. Vickie is really excited to see Jack and Dolph getting along and that they may or may not be able to beat notable loser John Morrison and useless oaf Alex Riley. Then Riley hits the F5 (when did he get a finisher? When did he get THAT finisher?!) and Dolph totally doesn’t go and help Swagger kick out. Way to follow the rules, Dolph! You’re my hero!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Miz and R-Truth.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with The Miz and R-Truth, and guys, you’ve gone from main event to lame tag team. I mean, for Evan and Kofi being in a tag team is a big step up because now they’re actually on TV, but you guys? Hahahahaha. Laaaaa

The Miz: Shut up and look at my awesome new T-Shirt. Get it? Awesome? Because it’s…oh never mind. Yeah it’s all a conspiracy! One month I’m main eventing Wrestlemania, six months later I’m saddled with this whole mess.

R-Truth: Conspiracy! That I have to be Alex Riley for no reason? What’s next? A feud with Dolph Ziggler? What a waste. Nobody would ever see me ever again! I truly would become Bananarama and not just in my pants!

Miz: And don’t get me started on stupid CM Punk! More like MC…Punk?

Truth: Ninja please!

Miz: You are such a caricature.

Truth: C-O-O spells COO! As in, Triple H is coo. He’s just trying to get everybody to think he’s cool! He’s so full of himself! It’s a CONSPIRACY!

Miz: That’s…so stupid, that it’s brilliant!

(ads)

The Miz (w/ R-Truth) vs. Kofi Kingston (w/ Evan Bourne)

Kofi is totally Shelton to start. I will say that nobody is happier to have the WWE Tag Team championships than Team Air Boom! Nobody is less excited to be named “Team Air Boom” than Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne. Miz with a suplex, which, shockingly does not get a pin. R-Truth looks legitimately worried about that The Miz’s’z’s well being. Evan Bourne could probably care less about Kofi. Evan Bourne is kind of a huge jerk.

(ads)

Miz beats the crap out of Kofi for about a half hour coming out of the break. And Kofi hits a dropkick and is a house afire. R-Truth is devastated. Evan Bourne is…I think the emotion he’s giving just now is “perplexed.” Not what I would’ve gone with, but hey. Who am I to judge? Then Miz with the Skull Crushing Finale (That’s His Move!) out of nowhere for the win. Oh, Miz. Don’t you know that means you’re going to lose on Sunday? Then again, that might mean you don’t have to team with Truth anymore!

Backstage….

Teddy Long: Playa, Sunday Dolph Ziggler is gonna be facing Jack Swagger, John Morrison, and Alex Riley for the WWE United States Championship! Holla Holla!

Vickie Guerrero: Can you even do that? I mean, your ability to book matches on the RAW/Smackdown Supershow is dubious enough as it is. But you just booked a RAW match for…the Pay Per View.

Long: Vickie, until somebody tells me that I can’t, I’m gonna book every match I can think of! I have all the power!

Vickie: That doesn’t seem fair is all.

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Vickie, a little advice? If you just sit backstage and stare vacantly at nothing all day, more people will be nice to you and give you things. I did it so long that they gave me the WWE Divas Title. I didn’t have to do a damn thing, and the only people that don’t like me are Randy Orton, The Bellas, and Beth Phoenix. And really? Who cares about them. I got mine.

Vickie: Sorry, Kelly, I just can’t be as vapid as you. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried, but you’re either born with it or you’re not.

Kelly: Yeah. It’s an innate skill to be sure.

Long: And I’m booking Vickie Guerrero versus Kelly Kelly Kelly!

Vickie: Why?!

Long: Because I can! All the matches!

Elsewhere, John Cena is trying to explain to Bret that David Hart Smith never even existed.

(ads)

David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty vs. Jerry “” Lawler and Sheamus

In Jerry Lawler’s ongoing quest to make absolutely no sense, he continues to tell the crowd that David Otunga is boring, Michael McGillicutty is not Curt Hennig, and then turns around and teams up with his mortal enemy Sheamus. Sheamus just couldn’t wait to be “”. Lawler punches both guys and then tags in Sheamus who immediately loads up the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win. Sheamus has a huge smile on his face and hugs Lawler. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL SHEAMUS?!

Backstage, Ricardo Rodriguez drinks a mysterious white drink.

Alberto Del Rio: Do I even want to know?

Ricardo Rodriguez: It’s an aphrodisiac.

Del Rio: Why would you be drinking that?

Ricardo: It’s Ricardo time, baby. I’m gonna get so much action tonight.

Del Rio: ….

(ads)

John Cena and Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs. Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez

The crowd chants “Thank You, Bret!” because wrestling crowds love nothing more than old, crippled men trying to wrestle well past their prime. It’s the only thing keeping Ric Flair alive at this point. Ricardo backflips into the ring and takes Cena down with a Dragon Suplex. Bret tries to insert himself, but Ricardo with a standing Moonsault to take him down. But they only run, like, two minute matches in FCW, so he burns out quick. And then Bret locks in the Sharpshooter, and that’ll do it. Afterwards, John Cena yells “THE CHAMP IS HERE!” while the crowd cheers because they think he’s talking about Bret.

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Vickie Guerrero

All the girls in the club say, “Ho” whenever they see Kelly Kelly Kelly. I don’t know if I’d want to admit that in my theme music. In my theme music I’d want it to say that I’m a man’s man. In fact, it can just repeat that over and over again. Swagger and Ziggler both run down the ramp, arguing about who deserves their double G the most, but before they can decide, Kelly rolls up Vickie for the win. Aw. I had high hopes for Vickie in this one! Beth Phoenix runs out to attack Kelly, but Kelly’s hair is so shiny that she sees the attack coming and she escapes before Beth gets her. Much hemming and hawing over the Kelly Kelly Kelly Accessory Belt ensues.

(ads)

Oh, man! You know who we haven’t seen in forever? Triple H! Whatever happened to that guy? Anyway, backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Mark Henry.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Mark Henry. Mizark, I have to ask you, what does one have to do to get into the “Hall of Stank?”

Mark Henry: Stank!

Mathews: A man of few words!

Henry: Josh, I’ve realized that every time I open my mouth in an angle for more than a minute, it ends with me having sex with my sister, a prostitute, or Mae Young. I fathered a hand, Josh, a hand! I’ll just settle for beating people up and stanking.

Mathews: Brilliant strategy!

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

Never watched Smackdown? Me neither! Apparently, Cody Rhodes has not taken his banishment to Smackdown very well, because he’s dressing like Phantasio, only without the awesome scarf tricks. He should get with Alberto and they can do an act. They can make Alberto’s cars disappear! Cena would have fits! Also, he hands out paper bags, either to encourage recycling or because he’s well aware that people are rightly embarrassed to be sitting front row during a Cody Rhodes match. Also he’s the Intercontinental Champion. What the hell has been going on over on Smackdown? Geez.

(ads)

Hillarious aside? Phantasio’s real name is Harry Del Rios. This was clearly meant to happen, and after CM Punk beats Triple H and I’m named the new COO, that’s going to be the top WWE storyline. Ratings be damned. Which is already kind of the attitude we have! Orton goes through all his moves, so the announcers can nod and say, “Well, he couldn’t do that to Mark Henry!” even though he totally can and has, because Randy Orton has beaten Mark Henry, like, 900 times. Mark comes down to ringside to get him one of those plastic bags and the Stank is so overpowering that Cody hits the CrossRhodes on Orton and wins! CODY RHODES WINS! CODY RHODES IS GOING TO NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS~! After the match, Mark Henry eats a chair.

(ads)

Here’s Triple H and CM Punk! Certainly we haven’t heard enough from these two!

CM Punk: First of all, since football is on for, like, eight hours tonight and nobody cares what we do or say here, I just wanted to say that I’m glad you fired Kevin Nash. Now, Gail Kim is finally free of her contract. But I still think you’re a stupid blowhard that is no better than your stupid blowhard father-in-law. You still go home at night and make out with your full sized poster of Ludvig Borga, because you’re so obsessed with jacked up steroid monsters that you haven’t realized that the most popular guys in the company are all skinny internet weirdos.

Triple H: Ok, to be fair, I don’t have a poster of Ludvig Borga!

Punk: That doesn’t really address my issue. One minute you love Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters because he’s a jacked up freak, but the second he turns his life around and becomes a skinny, but decent wrestler, he’s out on the streets!

HHH: Hey! Ok, that’s not fair! That’s not fair to me! I don’t just bring people in because they’re roid monsters. Look at Ultimo Dragon! Look at Sin Cara! Two of the greatest wrestlers in the world, dare I say better than me. But I had no trouble bringing them in.

Punk: THEY’RE BOTH YOU! Everybody knows that! Besides which, you got caught taking steroids as Sin Cara and had to pass the job off to Mantaur!

HHH: They are not me! You have no proof! I’m appalled that you would speak such nonsense. But fine, you don’t like those examples? How about Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, and Mick Foley? How about Rey Misterio, huh? We push other guys too!

Punk: Oh sure. Occasionally. But hey, Shawn and Bret got pushed during the era when the government was investigating WWE to find out why everybody in the company had backne. And Mick Foley only ever got over because you kept ramming his teeth into his brain and you were afraid he was going to sue you if he ever got them all out. And Rey? Really? The guy who is clearly 100% on steroids and weighs 90lbs more than what he did in WCW? That’s your example?

HHH: Now you’re just making up things and excuses. Stephanie was right ten years ago! You’re a part of this global conspiracy to take down WWE!

R-Truth: You can’t use that word! That’s our word!

Punk: Ok, remember that Suvivor Series in 2006? When I was on Team DX and everybody chanted for me to tag into the match? What did you say to me after that match?

HHH: Great match, Punk?

Punk: No. You said, hey what’s your name? I hate you. You can’t work and you’re going to pay for trying to get yourself over.

HHH: Me?! That…doesn’t…sound like something I would…say?

Punk: Ninja please! You say that stuff all the time! To everybody! You said that to WWE Time Keeper Mark Yeaton one time when he took the last bit of coffee.

HHH: Well that was a pretty dick move. You’ve got to admit that. Why aren’t you like John Cena?

Punk: A former body builder and robot? Yeah. I’ll get right on that. Anyway, counterpoint: Ice Cream Bars!

HHH: Those were really gross. You don’t really want those.

Punk: Ok. Ok. We’ve gotten off track here. Face it Hunter, the WWE is a joke. And it has been ever since that fateful night ten years ago where you had sex with a mannequin on national T-

The mics and lights go out. Punk screams obscenities and Colt Cabana tributes at the top of his lungs. HHH yells at “Frank” at ringside, who I don’t think is an actual person. The lights and mics come back up.

Punk: Damn it. Ok. Look, Hunter, we all know about you and Katie-

The lights and mics go out again. And they never come back on.

BONG

Sunday Sunday Sunday: CM Punk defeats Triple H making way for the epic COO run of Sin Cara. Jack Swagger wins the WWE United States Title, thereby assuring that that angle goes on FOREVER! And John Cena loses the WWE Title match, but gets to name Alberto’s car, which makes him just as happy.




Elsewhere….

RAW General Manager Demon Girl: Theodore, what have I told you about booking matches in my extended absence?

Theodore Long: Not to do it, ma’am.

Demon Girl: That’s right. And if you value your IMMORTAL SOUL YOU WON’T EVER DO IT AGAIN!

Long: I just figured it was about the Dollah Dollah bills, y’all.

Tommy Dreamer: I beat up everybody in the production truck again. Including Frank. This is getting pretty fun, honestly.

David Hart Smith: And I brought you the Thane of Cawdor.

Raven: That’s a really stupid pun, you know that?

Ric Flair: You can drop me off anywhere around here. WOO!

X-Pac: What is with all the stupid cameos tonight?

Flair: That’s why we’re the champs! WOO!

Tough Enough Jessie: Ugh! I hate to agree with X-Pac, but this “army” is getting insufferable. When will we strike?

Demon Girl: Six Weeks. Then the King of Kings will fall.

Michael Tarver: If CM Punk doesn’t get get to him first.

T.E. Jessie: AH!! STOP DOING THAT!

The Voice: Don’t worry, our friend Mr. Punk has no chance to beat Triple H. No chance in hell.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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