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RAW SATIRE    
The Gleeful Wolverine?

September 23, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 


Last Night: Randy Orton graciously gave Mark Henry a hand winning the World Heavyweight title. Plus, Triple H beat CM Punk thanks in large part to R-Truth, The Miz, Johnny Ace, and Kevin Nash attacking just about everybody for no apparent reason. And John Cena beat Alberto Del Rio, but OF COURSE HE DID! Will something else predictable happen…TONIGHT?!

 

(Opening Credits)

Well, we’re starting with a CM Punk promo, so that’s probably pretty predictable. Maybe he’s going to come out and hang out with Wolverine!

 

CM Punk: I hate Wolverine. He’s not nearly as cool as he thinks he is. But I really could use super healing powers and an adamantium skeleton right now, because getting beat up and buried by Triple H really hurts. This reminds me of this one time I was hanging out backstage, minding my own business, making out with all the Divas, when suddenly, Bob Holly ran over, said, “You’ve got greasy hair, twirp!” and punched me right in the eye. I hate Bob Holly. Anyway, I just want to say that I’ve got this all figured out. Again. The tromp across the countryside, the mysterious text messages, who raised the briefcase-

Triple H: You’ve got it all wrong! There is a conspiracy! A conspiracy to hold both of us down! To end my reign as WWE COO and to end yours as the top superstar on RAW. And I wouldn’t be surprised if R-Truth and The Miz were in on it. Think about it. A few months ago, you were about to expose everything, but then the mic got shut off and you got knocked out. You lost your memory. Fast forward to last week. You were about to do it again, and what happened? Your mic shut off again. You can’t blame that one me. Something bigger than me is manipulating the WWE Universe and I need your help to stop it.

Punk: But you are the root of all evil here in WWE, what the hell would I get out of helping you?

HHH: Your WWE Spinnin’ Babies title rematch against John Cena. And Alberto Del Rio, in the Hell in a Cell.

Punk: Ooh! Not very tempting! But you know what? You’re right. Believe it or not there are more powerful forces in the WWE Universe than you, and I’m not convinced that they’re not somehow more evil. With that in mind-

Johnny Ace: Hold on a minute there, cowpoke. This Dynamic Dude isn’t about to let you two break the space time continuum. Not for nothing.

Punk: As far as I’m concerned, you’re the worst one of all! Nobody likes you, John. Not a single person backstage. I mean, everybody hated Jim Ross when he was head of talent relations too, but at least he was a good announcer. You don’t even have that to fall back on! You’re just a worthless waste of space who is using terrible wrestlers like poor Miz, Truth, and Kevin Nash to try to get himself over so Vince can come back.

Ace: You think I’m working with Vince? Is that right? Well, how about this? You’re FIRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

HHH: Nobody’s getting fired here until I solve this mystery. I can’t have people coming at me from both sides here.

Punk: That’s what she said.

HHH: But I am gonna fire somebody tonight, and it’s going to be awesome. Later, skaters.

(ads)

Sheamus, Kofi Johnston, Evan Bourne, and Justin Gabriel vs. David Otunga, Ballin’ Michael McGillicutty, Wade Barrett and Chris Tian

Survivor Series isn’t for another month, you guys. Well, this isn’t elimination anyway, I guess. Hey! Nice to see Justin Gabriel still exists, I guess? Though I sort of have to wonder what he thinks about the two most ballin’ wrestlers in WWE stealing his theme music. Everybody, including his own team, spends a while beating on Evan Bourne, but then Kofi is Shelton and the whole match stops while he suplexes everyone. Sheamus wraps things up with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) to Otunga for the win. Jim Ross swears. Get the F out, J.R.!

Backstage….

WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton: -and that was the second biggest steak sandwich I’ve ever seen.

Triple H: Holy crap! How did you eat that?

Patton: Are you kidding? I’m Chad Patton, baby! Nothing’s gonna stop me.

HHH: Wait, are you supposed to be on TV?

Patton: What are you, some kind of Narc?

HHH: Kinda, yeah.

Patton: NARC! NARC! You used to be cool, Hunter!

Patton runs away. Del Rio enters.

Alberto Del Rio: Hunter! My main man, my dawg! My ace in the hole!

HHH: You’re not getting me to change that Hell in a Cell match. In fact, you’re in a match tonight too. I can’t stand seeing your smarmy face.

Del Rio: A match? Tonight?! But I’m too humiliated after being buried by John Cena last night!

HHH: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect guy for you to wrestle. John Morrison.

Del Rio: Oh thank God. My prayers have been answered!

HHH: Say one thing for Triple H. Say he answers everybody’s prayers.

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricar-

Never mind, Alberto already beat Morrison.

(ads)

Oh dear. They’re really going through with this.

Hugh Jackman:

Times have changed,
And we’ve often rewound the clock,
Now I’m on RAW the master of the Shock!
Are we still building to Cena and The Rock?

But today,
It’s a case of us versus them,
Hosting RAW is such a crock,
Turned down a part in La Boehme!

Not here to start stalking,
I’m here for Real Steel hocking,
As far as RAW’s show?
Anything goes!

CM Punk has gone mad today,
Faces are bad today,
nWo Black and white you say?
I’m so happy and gay!

Sing and dance for pay!
Hope I don’t get kissed by Mae!
I miss Santino!
Paul Bearer was a necromancer,
HBK is a silly prancer!
Like the size of Hunter‘s nose,
Anything goes!

Dolph Ziggler: Man, I thought we were getting Wolverine!

Jackman: You clearly know absolutely know nothing about my resume, dude. I’m way more Glee than Wolverine, mate.

Vickie Guerrero: I think you’re soooooo dreamy. I loved Van Helsing!

Jackman: Oh, you’re the one! Well…Thanks, I guess?

Dolph: You know who I just realized has been missing for, like, ten months? Mason Ryan. What the hell ever happened to that guy?

Jackman: I have no idea who you’re talking about.

Dolph: There’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you. With a name like Hugh Jackman, didn’t you ever want to go into porn?

Jackman: Every day, mate. Every day.

Dolph: Well, you should’ve. Because you are terrible. I hated Kate & Leopold! Screw you and screw Rock’em Sock’em Robots: The Movie!

Jackman: Yeah? Well wait until you take on my mystery opponent for you…ZACK RYDER!

Dolph: O…Kay?

Vickie: I still love you! Even if you’re stupid!

Backstage….

The Miz: -which is why I can’t wait for the Glee season premier tomorrow.

R-Truth: Man, that bitch be crazy.

Johnny Ace: Hey guys. The principal wants to talk to you. Sorry.

Miz: Aw nuts. Now we’ll never get to win the big game.

Truth: What are you guys talking about?!

(ads)

Sin Cara vs. Cody Rhodes

Things never get off the ground, because just as Cara is about to hit the PEDIGREE TO RHODES~!, another Sin Cara appears! Dos Caras! Alberto is still probably pissed off about this! Sin Cara gets pissed off about Sin Cara’s appearance, and Sin Cara raises his arms for the support of the crowd, but he doesn’t get a reaction. Shockingly, Sin Cara doesn’t get a reaction either! Sin Cara goes for the PEDIGREE TO SIN CARA~! but Sin Cara knows its coming and blocks it. After a few seconds, Sin Cara freaks out and backs slowly away from Sin Cara, and then dashes backstage.

Speaking of which….

R-Truth: -I don’t care how many half mens they have! I watched that show one time and it didn’t have anything to do with The Hobbit! Do you know how disappointing that was?

The Miz: I think I’ll just watch Community and Glee. Where the hell is Triple H, anyway?

Hunter comes running in, out of breath and sweating heavily, pulling on his jacket.

Triple H: Did you guys see that? There were two of m-Sin Cara! I mean, one of them was clearly better looking and in better shape, but what the hell?

The Miz: Hunter, we’re really sorry we attacked you at the PPV. We were only trying to beat up WWE RAW Referee Scott Armstrong, but we missed and kind of beat you up for twenty minutes. That was our bad.

R-Truth: I’m even sorry for all that Little Jimmy nonsense. That’s never going to sell any t-shirts.

HHH: Can’t you guys see I have bigger fish to fry here? Two Sin Caras! What does this mean?

Miz: Does that…uh…does that mean we’re not getting fired?

HHH: Huh?! No! No! Whatever. You can just…pay a fine or whatever. A million dollars or something? Just go away.

Truth: A million dollars?! Do you know how many bootleg Ron Killings CDs I’d have to sell out of the trunk of my car to get a million dollars? Because I don’t!

HHH: JUST PAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

So Triple H’s fine ends up coming to $12.95. Somebody’s eating at Perkins tonight!

(ads)

It’s time for Jim Ross to get killed by Mark Henry.

Jim Ross: You’re the World Heavyweight Champion? Really?

Mark Henry: It’s a long way away from you telling’ me that I was too fat and stanky to be WWE champion! I’m so fat nobody can beat me! And what won me the title? Mah STANK!

Ross: So, even I know what’s going to happen here. Now you’re going to beat me up, right?

Henry: First I want you to apologize to me! You said I was nothing but a midcard comedy act who wasn’t funny! That really hurt me, Jim! Really bad! I cried chicken soaked tears into my beard, J.R.! My beard!

Ross: I’m sorry.

Henry: Thank you, Jim. That means a lot to me.

Henry grabs J.R. by the lapel and starts to rip his face off. That’s the best thanks I think I’ve ever seen on this show. Jerry “” Lawler, of course, won’t stand for this and hops into the ring to pry Henry off. He quickly realizes that this was the stupidest possible thing he could ever have done, and the look on his face just says, “Look what you’ve gotten me into again, J.R.!” Mark slams Lawler down and then tosses him through the announce table and the floor, shattering every bone in Lawler’s body and dumping him into the building’s boiler room.

Mick Foley: Dammit! I live down here again! Can’t you leave me in peace?!

Lawler: …puppies….

Michael Cole is distraught by all this carnage because…you know what? I don’t know why. He hates Lawler and Ross and he tried to get Jack Swagger to do this same thing, like, three months ago. The only thing we should learn from this? Maybe Cole should’ve hired Mark Henry in the first place.

(ads)

Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Natalya and Beth Phoenix

WWE Diva Josh Mathews is now at ringside to not call the action alongside Michael. I was really excited for the big Melina run-in here, except for the fact that I wouldn’t care about the big Melina run-in here. Or anywhere for that matter. Eve rolls up Natalya for the win! HaHA! That should teach you girls! No wrestling aloud in the Divas Division! You want to have meaningful matches on this show? You better call Chaz Bono and find out how it’s done. Or don’t, because then Abe Orton would never leave you alone.

Backstage….

Hugh Jackman: How many times do I have to tell you? It was just a movie!

Zack Ryder: Come on! Just once? For me? Pleeeeeease?

Jackman: Ok. But if I do this then you can’t even mention me on your stupid talk show.

Ryder: Deal!

Jackman’s adamantium claws slide slowly out of his skin.

Ryder: YES! This almost makes betraying my friends and dooming myself to a life of service to an ignorant and evil master worth it.

Jackman: Uh huh. Totally.

(ads)

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Zack Ryder (w/ Hugh Jackman)

I never saw The Prestige, any chance that Hugh can make this match disappear? Actually, nobody’s more excited to be a part of WWE right now that Hugh Jackman. I half expect him to show up again next week to find out what the continuation of his big angle will be. Unfortunately for Mr. Jackman, his big angle involves Zack Ryder, turncoat to the stars. Vickie tries to get at Zack, but while WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan is busy dealing with her, Hugh Jackman hops into the ring and decapitates Dolph with an uppercut. That’s…a win?

(ads)

You know who hasn’t had a video package? Jack Swagger. And there’s a good reason for that! Backstage….

Vickie Guerrero: I was just thinking to myself, “Self, there aren’t enough Zooey Deschanels on TV right now.”

Jack Swagger: So are we going to have sex now or what?

Vickie: Well, given that my last boyfriend was just beheaded in the ring, I’d say “Yes.” I like to say things.

Swagger: Cool beans. Can you introduce me to Nicky Fontana?

Vickie: Hell yeah! He and I are, like, best friends now!

Elsewhere…

CM Punk: COMMUNITY!

John Cena: PARKS AND RECREATION!

Punk: ABED!

Cena: TOM!

Punk: META-HILARITY!

Cena: FAUX DOCUMENTARY!

Punk: I…wait, what were we arguing about again?

Cena: Who got screwed worse at the stupid Emmys.

Punk: Oh. Steve Carell then.

Cena: Word.

(ads)

R-Truth and The Miz vs. CM Punk and John Cena

Justin Roberts would like you know to that John Cena has changed his name to JOooeuuughhhhhhhooUUUnnaaAAEIOUsometimesYOOOON CEEEEEAUNAU! APPLEDOUGH indeed. Miz gives WWE Smackdown Referee Charles Robinson a hug, because he knows if he tries some crap Lil’ Naitch will just beat the crap out of him. How sad is it that Lil’ Naitch is more high profile and has more money than actual Naitch at this point? Miz DDTs Cena and Cena blinks slightly. He almost sold that!

(ads)

Cena is still handling the beat down by Miz and Truth with aplomb. I think CM Punk is either asleep or listening to the Colt Cabana pod cast (now with 10 minutes of Wrestling talk and 50 minutes of ads!). After about twenty minutes of beat down, Cena makes the hot tag to punk. Five seconds later and he hit’s the GTS to Miz for the win. Well, it was nice of them to give Punk some time here! I think he got a whole minute. Almost. Everybody is recovering (except Cena, who is fine) when Triple H comes out.

Triple H: So, it turns out that unraveling a conspiracy is a lot harder than it sounds. I totally didn’t figure anything out in this two hours, so I’m just going to go ahead and fire Miz and Truth!

Hunter wanders backstage.

Scott Stanford: Hunter! It’s a new TV season, and I just want to get your opinion on what you’re expecting from the season premier of 90210? Will Screech finally get with Zach?

Sadly, we never get Hunter’s answer to that question, as he’s waylaid by the suddenly jobless Miz and Truth. Unfortunately for them, The Rest of the WWE Locker Room is standing right there, and they know better than to cross Triple H. So they drag Miz and Truth kicking and screaming out the door and toss them into a dumpster.

The Miz: See? I told you I was the new Chris Jericho! I gotta see if I can get a stupid things falling off buildings game show!

Truth: Would you shut up? I think we just got jobbed out to Tyler Rex!

Next Week: Miz and Truth are re-hired like nothing ever happened. The WWE Locker Room is locked in an epic battle about whether or not Coach can save this season of Survivor. And CM Punk and Triple H say nothing in a thirty minute promo.




Elsewhere….

Tough Enough Jessie: I don’t care how confused he got! It was stupid!

Tommy Dreamer: Stupid like a fox! I’m the best Sin Cara yet!

Harry Smith: More like Fat Cara!

T.E. Jessie: Go away, Harry.

The Miz: Tough Enough Jessie! Just the woman we’re looking for! Nash told us you were the one to see about a revolution against Triple H!

T.E. Jessie: Does anybody not know about our secret society? Yes. We’re taking out Triple H.

R-Truth: Great! We’re in. Let’s take out John Cena too while we’re at it. That guy is a total Little Jimmy.

Michael Tarver: I like this guy’s style!

Truth: Ninja! Don’t you sneak up on me!

T.E. Jessie: Fine. Miz, you can be in charge of getting food. I sent Tommy out to get it last time, and we’ve been living on SnoBalls for a week.

Dreamer: They’re delicious!

T.E. Jessie: Truth, you can…uh…what is it that you do, exactly?

Truth: Talk crazy and rap!

T.E. Jessie: Right. You can watch X-Pac and make sure he doesn’t do anything stup…you know what? Just make sure he doesn’t do anything. At all.

X-Pac: Hey! K-Kwik! Remember when we were almost sort of feuding?

Truth: I don’t remember what happened last week.

Pac: Cool cool. I wish I couldn’t remember last week. Egh…Chyna.

Everyone shudders.

T.E. Jessie: Five more weeks, Tommy. Five more weeks and we have our revenge.

Dreamer: It’ll be raining SnoBalls that day, I promise you that.

T.E. Jessie: Maybe you need to go on a diet, Tommy.

Dreamer: Sin Cara never diets!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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