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RAW SATIRE    
The Trial of Triple H Begins

October 27, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The leader of an oppressive and violent regime was found after being holed up for months, somehow still exerting power over the very citizens whose lives he ruined. Also, Triple H was captured.

Triple H is dragged into a chair with a Sin Cara Mask over his face by Drew McIntyre and Michael Tarver. He is sat down roughly into a steel folding chair and the mask is torn off.


Triple H: I demand a lawyer!

David Otunga: I have a degree fro-

HHH: A real lawyer!

Clarence Mason: Sorry, Hunter, but I’ve got my hands full with Lindsay Lohan right now! But best of luck on…whatever the hell this is.

Booker T: Dawg, get out of here before I lose my T again.

Mason: Hey! What’s up, GI Bro?

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Look no further, Triple H! I am the lawyer you need!

HHH: Greeeeeeat.

Tough Enough Jessie: ORDER! We’ll have order! This session of the Wrestler’s Court is now in session. The honorable judge The Whole and Complete Undertaker presiding.

BONG!

The Whole and Complete Undertaker: Triple H, you stand here accused with a crime under the penalty of death. Do you understand the charges being brought against you?

HHH: No, not really.

Tommy Dreamer: The prisoner, one Hunter Hearst Helmsley, stands accused of irreparably and irresponsibly destroying the world of professional wrestling ten years ago.

Undertaker: Defendant, how do you plead?

HHH: Innocent, you old zombie! You were there just as much as I was.

Undertaker: Very well. Prosecution, you have the floor for your opening statement.

Edge: Look at this guy. We’ve all been here for ten years. We know the score. I mean…can a girl get a salad over here? Triple H is guilty as hell. It’s a joke!

Phoenix: OBJECTION~!

Taker: The defense has a rebuttal?

Phoenix: While my client very likely did cause the collapse of the WWE Universe-

HHH: Hey!

Phoenix: You probably can’t prove anything. I bet most, if not all, your evidence is circumstantial.

Randy Orton: Oh man, I had a circumstantial one time. It still stings.

The rest of the Jury Box nods in agreement.

Edge: The prosecution calls to the stand Kane.

Undertaker: Can you please state your full name for the court please?

Kane: Dr. Reginald Kanus Taker, DDS.

Edge: Reginald, isn’t it true that this man, Triple H, ruined your life?

Kane: Yes. Ten years ago he had sex with a mannequin on TV and said it was me!

Edge: Really? That’s what you’re going with? Sex with a mannequin on TV? Hey, if that’s a crime, I’m guilty too.

Undertaker: That IS a crime.

Edge: Oh.

Kane: And that was MY WIFE! THE MOTHER OF MY CHICKEN PARMESAN!

Edge: You were on a break!

Kane: AAAAAAAAARH!

Edge: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Undertaker: Granted.

Edge lays Kane out with a chair.

Edge: I’d like to call to the stand another guy whose life Triple H ruined. Test!

T.E. Jessie: You can’t. He’s dead.

Edge: Murder!

The Jury Box mutters incoherently.

Edge: Fine. If I can’t call one guy Triple H murdered, I’ll call the next best thing. The Portuguese Man of War!

HHH: Justin! My old buddy, old pal!

T.E. Jessie: Could you state your name for the court?

Justin Credible: I’m not just the coolest. I’m not just the best.

Lance Storm: I’m Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Credible: And I’m Justin Credible.

T.E. Jessie: That’s long.

Credible: It’s a family name.

Edge: Mr. Credible, you seem like the…er…credible sort. Can you please explain what happened to you during the winter of 2002?

Credible: It was awful! I was forced out of my body and…violated!

HHH: Oh, come on, Justin, I never violated you!

Credible: YOU TORE MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY AND THEN STOLE MY CORPSE!

HHH: Oh. Thaaaaaaat. Yeah. Come on. It wasn’t like you were doing anything with it!

Credible: I WAS LIVING IN IT!

Murmurs come from the non-existent gallery.

Phoenix: OBJECTION~!

Undertaker: You’re objecting to the fact that his corpse got stolen?

Phoenix: It’s Justin Credible! I mean…what was he really doing with it? Being on X-Factor?

Undertaker: Hmm…Sustained.

Credible: WHAT?!

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?!

Undertaker: Justin, you’re horrible. Just let it go.

HHH: You know, I’m getting sick of all my friends turning on me. First X-Pac, then Nash, and then…Hall probably? I don’t know. And where’s Shawn Michaels when I need him most? Sitting at home prancing around on his cow couch. This is the stupidest frigging thing ever. I’m still not even sure what I’m on trial for. Or why they haven’t killed me.

Phoenix: Who are you talking to?

HHH: The folks at home.

Phoenix: What the hell are you talking about? Nobody is watching this right now!

HHH: It does take me back, though. To the heady days when Lance Storm was an action figure. When Val Venis ran Monday Night RAW-

Val: Wait, that was real life?

HHH: When Maven was the next big star in Hollywood! When everybody wore Hammer Pants and we were proud of it, dammit!

Dreamer: I also remember some or all of those things!

HHH: You see, guys? It wasn’t so bad, ten years ago! We were all young and innocent and hopped up on Stacker 2 Bees and Stone Man Still Austinberg.

Austin: Whatever happened to that guy?

HHH: Clearly this has all been a silly misunderstanding, and I forgive all of you. I’m really sorry that I was such a jerk all those years ago. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have had sex with that mannequin. That was a bad move, but we’ve all made some bad moves, haven’t we? I mean, Tommy, didn’t you used to eat out of the urinal?

Dreamer: I still do. Is that…bad?

HHH: And Undertaker, didn’t you spend most of that time jobbing to Maven and pretending that you rode motorcycles? I mean…that sure as hell wasn’t cool.

Undertaker: He’s right.

HHH: And I don’t know what grudge you could possibly hold, Tough Enough Jessie. You weren’t even alive back then.

T.E. Jessie: That’s true, I’m only nine years old.

HHH: So let’s just let bygones be bygones. We’ll just show up next week on RAW, and it’ll be just like nothing ever happened. Let’s be honest with each other, as bad as things have been at times, we’re still family, and we don’t know how much worse things would be over in the other WWE Universe.

Edge: You know…maybe he’s right.

Dreamer: I’ve been convinced by everything everyone’s ever said to me.

T.E. Jessie: We’ve all been so wrong. WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Undertaker: You know what? Booger Red was the worst gimmick name I think anyone’s ever had. Case Dis-

Demon Girl: What the hell are you all doing?!

Edge: Nothing!

T.E. Jessie: Nothing!

Undertaker: Nothing!

Credible: Sooooooooooooooooooomething.

Demon Girl: Declare a recess. We can’t continue with this farce now if you’re all going to get dewey eyed at Triple H misremembering the horrors of the past. Drew, bring him back to the prisons, we’ll deal with him again next week.

Everyone but Undertaker leaves.

Michael Tarver: Mr. Taker! A Rather Officious Looking Penguin dropped off this briefcase! He seemed to be very intent about getting it in.

Undertaker: A briefcase?! But that’s-

David Hart Smith: He says it’s for the prisoner’s eyes only.

Undertaker: How the hell would you know that?

Smith: I speak fluent penguin, sir.

Tarver: What should we do?

Undertaker: Well…let him eat cake. Tell him “Happy Satireversary” for me.

To Be Continued….

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
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RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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